I have been a caregiver for my mother over 20 years. It has been trying and exhausting but I go on. My mom will be 100 in March and still on her own. Oh yes we have been through it all. When she left the home (3 months for rehab) my sister and I had to stay with her. I mostly had the day shift due to my sister working. My other sister wanted no part of it. It was so trying because she is very demanding. ok survived that. So now my nephew is opening his mouth to relatives about me. First of all mom had congestive heart failure with a leaky valve and she has to watch her sodium. Well he sticks his nose in there and brings her food every Frid. She loves battered fish which she shouldn't have. He made a remark to my cousin oh yes if I want to bring her a bottle of booze and cigarettes I will. then tells her how different my sister and I are . my sister layed back (lazy) and I get pissed off at things. well try it buddy and see how you would handle things. Now my mother calls him if she has problems with the bi pap which I always ran there. And yes I would get mad due to the distance and I am power of attorney for her medical. Now something else on my plate. My nephews think ma walks on water and now she is depending on him to help her. I am at witz ends due to everything I went through with mom and now hes throwing me under the bus...please if any suggestions feel free.
Your profile says Mom is in a NH. She is 100 yrs old. So she goes enjoying what she likes to eat. Its only one day out of the week. Mom is going to pass from CHF or that leaky valve. Let her have her favorite things. She is now in a NH. Your physical caring is over. Let the NH do the caring now. If they have a problem with nephew bringing things in for Mom a Nurse will tell him. Let Mom enjoy what life she has left. Time for you to just visit. Everything is being done for her. I have so many favorite junk foods I like. I so hope my girls go out of their way to make sure I enjoy them for the rest of my life.
From one of your responses below:
“I busted my butt and just about mentally broke down with all the pressure I was under.”
Totally understandable. I think you should step back if you want to. This has gone on too long and you are not young, either.
Deanna , maybe tell your mother this is not working for you any longer . She needs to have others help her . Perhaps it’s time for assisted living . Or paid caregivers come to the home .
Let your mother eat what she wants, she's earned that right.
Stop trying to control everything, you will be dead before your mother by putting that level of stress on yourself.
I hope your caregiving ordeal is over soon.
You can tell mom that you no longer want to be her POA for medical and she needs to select someone else.
*I am assuming mom is competent to do this, if not then she should not be living alone but that is another problem that I am not going to get into*
Stop running over at the drop of a hat to do things.
Let her eat what she wants when she wants. My gosh she is 100! she has earned the right to have a fish fry. (sure hope she puts malt vinegar on the fish and chips)
Once others have to take over the "care and feeding" of ma they will see she does not "walk on water"
Maybe Mom is calling the nephew because he lets her do what she wants .
Not such a bad thing especially at her age . Let her leave earth happy .
You seem militant about managing your mother's life, at 100, without regard to your OWN life. You getting so pissed off at things and your sister being laid back will likely keep HER healthier and YOU sicker from stress and insisting on controlling things you have no control over. Mother is going to pass one of these days, regardless of whether she enjoys battered fish on Fridays or not.
As far as your nephew goes, tell him to take over caring for your mother 24/7 if he'd like because you can use a nice long vacation.
If he brings mother things and she doesn't want them, a simple no thank you will suffice. If she wants them, she's a grown adult and can make her own choices, think of it like that.
Let go of the ultra tight reins you're holding here before YOU are hospitalized and THEN what happens to mother? I know it's irritating to have relatives stick their noses in where they don't belong. My cousin used to do it frequently. I'd just ignore her personally. I wish the relatives cared enough TO come visit my mother or bring her a scrap of food of any kind, but they didn't. They just gave out free advice and were Arrmchair Critics.
I know what you are saying about others who are backseat caregivers. Some people have never been full time caregivers but want to tell others what to do.
Please consider that they may be trying to help in their own way. Also know that when we are very close to a situation, we can lose sight of the entire picture. Be open to listening to feedback from others.
My mom struggled with Parkinson’s disease. I know that it is hard for you to watch your mother decline. It was hard for me too.
I don’t know what to say about your situation. I see your mom’s side and I see your side too.
I am sure that it’s difficult for you to balance her care and her desire to live life as she pleases.
My mother’s final time on this earth was in an ‘end of life’ hospice care home. Mom received excellent care from the entire staff.
By this stage in life, the nurses, aides and all family members didn’t care about what my mother ate. If she wanted ice cream three times a day, she got it! If she didn’t want to eat anything, that was fine too.
I believe in eating healthy food but there comes a point where we have to ask ourselves if it really matters anymore.
I suppose that your nephew feels that your mom has followed dietary guidelines long enough.
She’s your mom. So, you will have to decide what you feel is best.
If your mom enjoys her nephew’s visits I don’t think that I would want to keep him from seeing her. I hope that you can find a solution that will satisfy all of you.
Perhaps offer to cook a meal with your nephew with a modified recipe to serve to your mom that would please each of you.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
There's a nice article on this site that has six suggestions for busting stress*. The better you feel, the better you can handle the caregiver/annoying nephew stress.
*https://www.agingcare.com/articles/relieve-caregiver-stress-instantly-143093.htm
First of all he just recently started this. What snarky comments are you talking about? I don't say anything to him cuz I know what would happen. If you mean the booze and cigarettes and the salt the snarky comments cld very well be doing that. I hate it. I busted my butt and just about mentally broke down with all the pressure I was under. They all can talk smart when they don't have to do the task. I do take classes for caregiving and will be doing another class on "taking care of yourself". Thank you for understanding.
I am with you. If that's an option and that's what she wants at 100, then I am all for it.
As to nephew?
Well, she has a right, your Mom does, to see whomever she likes and to eat whatever she wants would be my opinion.
If I have to live to 100 I can promise you that I will be eating all the battered fish I can, heavily salted, and may take to drinking and smoking as well.
I have to tell you that you can't have it both ways. You have been doing this for 20 years? I think you may suspect that already.
I am 81. I may look at this with a different perspective.
The other night I got food poisoning or some such thing, and I mean I didn't know for hours whether to sit on the pot or throw up into it. Pulse went to the 150s and BP down in consequence. As I lay in bed shaking I just hoped it would take me out.
Sometimes we see things differently with great age.
We kind of know our time here is finite.
We ate and drink what we want, given license to do so. And as she lives alone, without your monitoring, then she has that license.
Now realistically Nephew may be thinking a bit as I do.
But he may not understand that a mess of salt in that battered fish may mean great aunt can't breathe at night. Perhaps suggest to him that his love may just kill her if he isn't careful. Not that she will mind going at 100, but she perhaps doesn't want to go gasping for breath. Just try approaching him with letting him know how well meaning you recognize him to be, but the realities may mean limbs swollen and leaking, sores, and etc.
The good news here is that there is so much love and care for this woman.
I can agree with you on certain statements but...I can't give her a license to eat what she wants because of her health. Congestive heart failure contributes to the edema. I get that. But if I can keep the fluid down as much as possible I will. I don't need the nephew added to the problem. IF I approach him on this all hell will break loose. He is starting to act like he is the caregiver or wanna be. And no I know he wouldn't want to take on that task. I do my best with my mom. Bottom line is this. If it wasn't for me and my caregiving she would be in a nursing home. I kept her out. But when you have someone trying to pull the arm in the wrong direction it gets very trying. As far as I am concerned its none of his business. He can see that she is very well taken care of but he sticks his nose in there to make me look like an ass. I don't believe there would be any reasoning with him at all.