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My mom moved in with my wife and I a couple months back due to triple negative breast cancer and she is driving us insane. She is cynical, pessimistic and difficult to deal with. We have tried to be nice, firm, straightforward but noting works. My wife is fed up. This sh*t is hard.

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Can I also suggest you reframe your thinking, to ditch the underlying perspective that living with family is the best option? Elder care (not to mention memory care when/if needed) is complex. If a family member asked you to do their accounting, their taxes, their carpet steam cleaning, their car repair, their major surgeries -- you'd say definitely no, unless you happen to be such a trained professional (and maybe not even then since there can be issues with scheduling, bias, objectivity, or conflict of interest).

Plus, it's not a one- or two-person job. Socializing, connection, medical care, environmental customization, entertainment -- there are so many aspects that you can't replicate in your home even if you give up your time, freedom, and preferences.

I am 100% certain that my mother-in-law's daily life, care, and safety are all far superior at the AL/MC facility where she lives than they would be if she were stuck here in our house. Separate entirely from the lack of accessibility and space here, she's at a place with an apartment large enough to contain all the furniture and belongings she loves and to fully control her own space, there's on-site medical oversight, aides that handle her ADL needs, activities available every day, visiting dogs, a cafeteria with 3 daily meals, and staff and residents who all know her, socialize with her, and keep an eye on her.

I know it's not a happy ending for every elder individual who has to leave their home, but moving in with a child or other relative isn't always (or even usually imho) the next best thing. Get away from thinking about the various types of elder living facilities and communities the depressing way they're almost always shown in movies and on TV. Figure out what her current needs are and schedule some tours to see what's available in your area. (And then help facilitate her moving on to her next adventure :)
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DaughterByLaw 3 hours ago
Addendum: I don't know if there's anything like this in your area, but I can't say enough about how helpful this eldercare referral agency was for us (in the twin cities, MN) -- I suggest googling a bit to see if you can find something like them: https://twincitiescare.com/what-we-do/our-process/
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It’s time to move Mom out. If money is a problem, Medicare and Medicaid may help, depending on her condition.
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Your wife could divorce you at any time, but your Mother raised you and gave you life.
I would hope you can find a way to love both your wife and Mother, and keep them both as happy as possible.

People do not behave the same when they are hurting ir ill. I would hope you love them both, and want the best for your wife and mother. To throw Mom to the wolves would not be good. If your wife loves you, then she loves the woman who made you who you are.

Best of luck to you all
🙏 ❤️ 🍀
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MargaretMcKen 8 hours ago
There is no marriage ceremony that includes "love your mother in law".
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It was a mistake having your mom move in with you. Does she still have a home? Was the plan for her to stay with you for the rest of her life? Or is this temporary?

It's always difficult to share your home with an additional person. It requires a lot of adjustment for everyone involved.
Try seeing from your Mom's point of view. Is she comfortable? Are there changes you could make to accommodate her needs? You say you have tried being nice, firm, straightforward, which isn't working. You and your wife might benefit from some psychological counseling. The right counselor could help you find an effective way to manage someone else's difficult behavior.

This is not going to work long term if your wife is already fed up. You need to make a decision and find another living arrangement for mom before this ends your marriage.
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I was thinking some more about my own issues when visiting a daughter who does things differently. Sometimes what I intend to be ‘good ideas’ come across as criticism. I hope I’m not as bad as your M though!

An alternative to ‘move out’ might be to tell M that you are giving up on trying to be “nice, firm, and straightforward”, because it isn’t working for either of you. Instead you will say “be quiet” and “do what I have just said”. You can add “please” if you want, but it’s still an order, not a request. You are the one in charge, and M needs to follow orders. This is in the best interests of all of you.

As the alternative for M is to move out, it’s in her best interest to go along with clearer rules.
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You need to be as blunt with M as you are with us: You living here is “driving us insane’’. You are ”cynical, pessimistic and difficult to deal with”. “My wife is fed up”, and I am fed up with the whole thing. The advice to me is that “you need to move out”. If you have any better alternatives, please let me know very soon. Otherwise I’ll take the advice., and you will need to move out.
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Oh my.. this sh** is very hard..and she is probably really scared.. that doesn't give her a free pass to be mean, but she needs to let out her emotions, and perhaps ask her doctor to evaluate her for palliative or hospice care.. you can also ask if they have volunteers who can come over and spend half hour with her.. another face..to look at..
I don't know your living conditions or her mobility..
Did she ever put you on timeout when you were growing up?
Mom, sorry, I'm going to put myself on timeout.. I'll come back after I figure out what I did wrong as to why you're getting upset with me/us...
Yup, doubt that'll help, but she might reflect..
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has your mom always been this way, or has her personality changed since the cancer diagnosis?
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Reply to ferens
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I’m in a very similar position. My mother came to live with my wife and I six weeks ago and it seems to be getting harder the longer we’re doing this. She had a fall and living on her own isn’t safe anymore. That’s it- there’s no ongoing treatment or anything. We’re having a hard time with the snide comments and questions about every single thing we do and how we do it. We’re losing our patience. Sorry for jumping into this conversation and making it about me. I’m reading comments that say “it’ll never work.” Is this really not possible?
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MargaretMcKen Aug 6, 2026
The longer M stays, the more she learns about the way you and your wife do things, and the more she feels like criticising. She feels like the senior member of your trio, fully entitled to criticise because of her own extensive experience.

Perhaps you can convince her to hold her tongue and things may settle down. Probably not. If not “it’ll never work” and she has to go.
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Does she have a care/case manager?
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If mom is undergoing treatments, the only viable way to have her stay with you is for the treatment period only. Then she leaves. My son took his father, my ex, in when he had stage 4 colon cancer and was undergoing about a year of chemo. Once the treatments ended, he moved out and went back home. They all had the understanding in place all along. Because my ex can drive anyone insane when he's well, never mind when he's sick from chemo and has an audience! Even with an end in sight, my DIL nearly had a nervous breakdown waiting on him hand and foot. Plus he was paying them to stay there. It was way too intolerable.

So. Imo there needs to be an end in sight for your mom's stay with you. If she's not being treated, she may need to go to Skilled Nursing for 24/7 care and hospice until she passes, Idk the details. But you cannot have her ruin your marriage by staying in your home for the duration.

Best of luck finding another living arrangement for mom.
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
Thanks, I’m going to tell her she has to go. In a more polite manner though, lol.
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Sit down with mom ...just you, not your wife.
Tell her point blank how her moving in is effecting you.
Tell her mom I want to make sure you are safe and have help when you need it so you and I will go look at some Assisted Living apartments. (don't call them a "facility" or a "home" the word apartment has a better feeling to it)
Maybe your mom really just wants to be back in "her" house. I get it. I would probably have a lot of mixed emotions having to move from MY home into someone else's home.


Does mom need help on a daily basis? If so Assisted living would be good
If she needs occasional help is it possible for her to return to her home and have a caregiver come in to help her when she needs it?
As her care needs increase she may either need full time help at home or she may need the constant care that she would get in a Skilled Nursing facility (again do not use the term "nursing home")
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
She needs some help but she’s actually doing pretty good. The last round of Chemo is August 27th and then radiation. After that she’s needing to go. Thanks for your reply.
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Nice of you to try to give mom a place to live. Unfortunately it’s proven not to work. Your marriage and home life take priority here, or you’ll lose them. Time for an honest talk with mom on her next living options
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
You’re absolutely right. Thanks for your reply.
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She needs to move out. Does she have a home to move back to? Or did she sell her home to move in with you? You are actually in a good spot compared to the many people who post here whose spouse insists that the obnoxious parent-in-law stay, against the spouse's wishes. You may need to be the "bad guy" and take the blame somewhat. But both of you need to, and can, just do it.

You and your wife can help by laying the groundwork for whatever your MIL's needs might be. Gather brochures from assisted living if that's a possibility. And/or brochures from in-home caregiving agencies. Get information on senior transport services or set her up with the Uber and Lyft apps. Find out about how to sign up for Meals on Wheels if that would help. Whatever will help so that you can't validly be accused of abandoning her (although she may still claim that, but at least you can say that the accusations are false).
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
She doesn’t have a home anymore. She can afford her own place or assisted living so we’re going to have to talk about the best options. Thanks for your advice.
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Time to tell mom that you tried but it's just not working anymore and that she has to find somewhere else to go on her dime of course.
If money is an object then she'll have to apply for Medicaid.
Even though your mom has cancer your marriage and your wife MUST come first. Period, end of sentence.
Mom must go.
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
For sure!!! Thanks
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Was she always this way or do you think her diagnosis/prognosis is causing her to act out or be depressed? How old is she? Does she have dementia? I think the answer to these questions will determine what you do.

Does she have enough money to live on her own and hire aids?

If not, you can connect her with social services for her county. Maybe she's a candidate for Medicaid.

Are you her PoA? If so, I hope it's durable. Does she have an Advance Healthcare Directive? She can create a very detailed one with her oncologist.
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
She’s always been cynical and difficult but it’s different when you’re at a distance, lol. She has several other health problems. Cancer, diabetes, and heart disease. Her state of mind is solid enough to know what she’s doing. I am her POA.
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It will never work. She needs to move out, and it's probably up to you to make that happen. Rule #1: Her money pays for her care. You and wife do not pay for her care. You've done enough.

Follow me for more mean sick elder relatives relationship tips.
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
True!
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Get her out.
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Keepthepeace55 Aug 4, 2026
That’s the plan. Thanks
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