My mom moved in with my wife and I a couple months back due to triple negative breast cancer and she is driving us insane. She is cynical, pessimistic and difficult to deal with. We have tried to be nice, firm, straightforward but noting works. My wife is fed up. This sh*t is hard.
Plus, it's not a one- or two-person job. Socializing, connection, medical care, environmental customization, entertainment -- there are so many aspects that you can't replicate in your home even if you give up your time, freedom, and preferences.
I am 100% certain that my mother-in-law's daily life, care, and safety are all far superior at the AL/MC facility where she lives than they would be if she were stuck here in our house. Separate entirely from the lack of accessibility and space here, she's at a place with an apartment large enough to contain all the furniture and belongings she loves and to fully control her own space, there's on-site medical oversight, aides that handle her ADL needs, activities available every day, visiting dogs, a cafeteria with 3 daily meals, and staff and residents who all know her, socialize with her, and keep an eye on her.
I know it's not a happy ending for every elder individual who has to leave their home, but moving in with a child or other relative isn't always (or even usually imho) the next best thing. Get away from thinking about the various types of elder living facilities and communities the depressing way they're almost always shown in movies and on TV. Figure out what her current needs are and schedule some tours to see what's available in your area. (And then help facilitate her moving on to her next adventure :)
I would hope you can find a way to love both your wife and Mother, and keep them both as happy as possible.
People do not behave the same when they are hurting ir ill. I would hope you love them both, and want the best for your wife and mother. To throw Mom to the wolves would not be good. If your wife loves you, then she loves the woman who made you who you are.
Best of luck to you all
🙏 ❤️ 🍀
It's always difficult to share your home with an additional person. It requires a lot of adjustment for everyone involved.
Try seeing from your Mom's point of view. Is she comfortable? Are there changes you could make to accommodate her needs? You say you have tried being nice, firm, straightforward, which isn't working. You and your wife might benefit from some psychological counseling. The right counselor could help you find an effective way to manage someone else's difficult behavior.
This is not going to work long term if your wife is already fed up. You need to make a decision and find another living arrangement for mom before this ends your marriage.
An alternative to ‘move out’ might be to tell M that you are giving up on trying to be “nice, firm, and straightforward”, because it isn’t working for either of you. Instead you will say “be quiet” and “do what I have just said”. You can add “please” if you want, but it’s still an order, not a request. You are the one in charge, and M needs to follow orders. This is in the best interests of all of you.
As the alternative for M is to move out, it’s in her best interest to go along with clearer rules.
I don't know your living conditions or her mobility..
Did she ever put you on timeout when you were growing up?
Mom, sorry, I'm going to put myself on timeout.. I'll come back after I figure out what I did wrong as to why you're getting upset with me/us...
Yup, doubt that'll help, but she might reflect..
Perhaps you can convince her to hold her tongue and things may settle down. Probably not. If not “it’ll never work” and she has to go.
So. Imo there needs to be an end in sight for your mom's stay with you. If she's not being treated, she may need to go to Skilled Nursing for 24/7 care and hospice until she passes, Idk the details. But you cannot have her ruin your marriage by staying in your home for the duration.
Best of luck finding another living arrangement for mom.
Tell her point blank how her moving in is effecting you.
Tell her mom I want to make sure you are safe and have help when you need it so you and I will go look at some Assisted Living apartments. (don't call them a "facility" or a "home" the word apartment has a better feeling to it)
Maybe your mom really just wants to be back in "her" house. I get it. I would probably have a lot of mixed emotions having to move from MY home into someone else's home.
Does mom need help on a daily basis? If so Assisted living would be good
If she needs occasional help is it possible for her to return to her home and have a caregiver come in to help her when she needs it?
As her care needs increase she may either need full time help at home or she may need the constant care that she would get in a Skilled Nursing facility (again do not use the term "nursing home")
You and your wife can help by laying the groundwork for whatever your MIL's needs might be. Gather brochures from assisted living if that's a possibility. And/or brochures from in-home caregiving agencies. Get information on senior transport services or set her up with the Uber and Lyft apps. Find out about how to sign up for Meals on Wheels if that would help. Whatever will help so that you can't validly be accused of abandoning her (although she may still claim that, but at least you can say that the accusations are false).
If money is an object then she'll have to apply for Medicaid.
Even though your mom has cancer your marriage and your wife MUST come first. Period, end of sentence.
Mom must go.
Does she have enough money to live on her own and hire aids?
If not, you can connect her with social services for her county. Maybe she's a candidate for Medicaid.
Are you her PoA? If so, I hope it's durable. Does she have an Advance Healthcare Directive? She can create a very detailed one with her oncologist.
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