94 yr. old stepfather gave his credit card to caregiver to buy his food and I have proof that she is using him as an ATM machine. How to legally handle?

I would contact her and notify her that you are now the active POA and you would like to have a contract in place for the help she is providing for your dad.

Let her know that all transactions will now be handled by you and that dad's old credit cards have been canceled and you will be providing a new card after the contract is all arranged and signed. Then do a prepaid, low limit credit card that she is required to photo and send all receipts to you. Maybe 200.00 a week to start would be ample.

Her reaction will tell you lots.

I found out that since my dad gave this female helper, ha, his debit card and permission to buy him things with it that it was now his word, dementia, against hers about the agreement of use. There was nothing the police would or could do because he gave her the card. I'm guessing but, I bet you would run in to the same sad laws.

I would not accuse her of anything, I would approach it as you are now in charge and want to be sure that everything is on the up and up to not only protect dad but everyone involved. She should be getting paid for the services she provides, at a fair market rate. Dad should not be taken advantage of and you need to keep track of every penny as a legal fiduciary, because you will be the one held legally responsible at this point.

What does dad actually need help with? What are viable solutions to meet those needs? Does he have the money to pay for the services?

Maybe you can order his groceries. Hire a housekeeper for 2x monthly cleaning. Get him signed up for his local department of transportation paratransit services. Introduce a new, professional caregiver that actually shows up.

Let dad know that everything you are doing is specifically so he can stay in his home and he needs to cooperate to ensure he stays at home as long as possible.

This isn't about taking away his rights, it is about protecting him from unscrupulous people. She has already shown who and what she is, believe her. Make it a true, prosecutable crime for her to steal by getting a contract in place with other measures to protect your dad. I am so sorry that you guys are going through this. People suck sometimes and his "friend" is obviously one that does. My dad would never believe he was being stolen from by his female helper, ha, and all I could do was sit back and stay out of the train crash, 2nd hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life.

You are fortunate that you have POA and he trusts you. Do whatever you can to keep that trust and ensure his safety because it gets harder with any memory issues and such long distances. Find a good certified elder law attorney to draw up care contracts and button down the hatches, it will be well worth it.

Great big warm hug!! This is hard but, you do learn as you go.

Put a credit freeze on his accounts and call the cc company to tell them about the fraud.

You can try to call the thieves and tell them you have proof of their robbery and you're going to press charges unless they pay you back (in a lump sum). She may tell you he volunteered it but then you tell her he has a medical diagnosis of dementia, and this is called abuse. But don't make a treat you aren't willing and able to carry out.

Divert his mail to your house (do this online).

Move him close to you to AL. Of course he won't like it but he can no longer take care of or protect himself and he's just going to continue to make messes for you to clean up. You don't do what he wants because he obviously isn't making good decisions anymore. Tell him a therapeutic fib, that his house needs fixing and they'll be shutting off his utilities to do it so he has to go live in an "apartment". Once he's there he stays there. There are no other options unless you want to keep managing him long distance. I'm trying to do this with my Aunt in FL and I'm in MN. Doesn't work unless you have absolutely trustworthy people at his end.

The credit card needs to be cancelled today. This woman needs to be told that she is not to come to see your dad ever again. A police report needs to be filed about this because it is theft. You #1 mission is to protect dad and is financial security at ALL costs and this woman is a threat to dads financial well being. Dad is being foolish so it is up to you to put a stop to this. I would also confront the woman and tell her that you are filing a police report and that see is not to see your dad anymore.

And I agree with Geaton, dad needs to be moved to a facility closer to you so you can keep an eye on him.

Cancel the credit card and speak with the caregiver about the charges and Make a boundary with this Person.

Cancel the credit card. No discussion needed. This is exactly the time he’s depending on you to make sound decisions in his best interests. He chose you to do this as he trusted you. If he insists on keeping the helper, make sure there is no access to money, no debit card, nothing. Have groceries delivered, and no more than he can eat in a week. I personally wouldn’t pursue getting back what’s been stolen, it’s just a too hard bill to climb.

Cancel the credit cards immediately and have new ones issued. Certainly the caregiver using your father's credit card for her own purposes is wrong and unprofessional. She would be fired at once and face charges if she worked for me. However, he very well coud have given not only his permission to use it, but insisted that she use it then not remember. You don't mention this woman being a hired employee. Was she a friend of your mother and father prior to the caregiving? This changes the scenario greatly if she was a friend rather than hired help.

Your father is lonely and wants to keep the caregiver/friend on part-time as needed because he wants to be friends. That's not going to happen if gravy train she's been riding comes to a stop.

I've seen this scenario play out many times because I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. It's usually an old man and the caregiver is a younger woman who does not know how to conduct herself in this line of work. The elderly client seems sharp and fine mentally because they 'showtime' very well around her so the caregiver doesn't realize that they're not fine. The elder wants to show off that they have money and can pay for things. Then will insist the caregiver go shopping on their dime, or pays some bills for her, or gives her money. Then when the bill comes in they freak out about what was spent. Or they want to over it up when their family finds out so they throw the caregiver under the bus and accuse her of stealing.

I couldn't count the times some old gentleman or other I've worked for would try to give me all kinds of expensive things. Especially when I was younger. When you spend actual time with an elderly person as their caregiver, you will be able to spot dementia if they have it and know not to accept the expensive gifts and offers.

Would your father be open-minded to moving to a senior community where he won't be alone so much?
Would you be open-minded about having him with you or moving to an AL or senior community near you?

There's certainly plenty for you to think about.

For future reference, if a different caregiver/companion gets hired the shopping and errands get done using a debit card for a new account that you set up which is specifially for household expenses and errands. Then the caregiver photographs the receipts for everything bought for the household out of that account and texts them to you weekly for inspection. If they don't match up to what's being spend, you suspend use on the account.

As you have already seen the credit cards must be cancelled.
If this woman is a "nice" person, one that up to this point has not done anything wrong I would have a conversation with her and tell her that all the monies must be paid back. You can review all the past statements and figure out ones that are ones that would be unauthorized. If she does not do this I would report her to Elder Abuse for Financial abuse. I would also file a police report. Depending on the amount this may be a Felony.
If you like this can all be worded in a letter from an Attorney rather than talking to her directly.
As much as dad does not want to move from his house I think it is necessary.
1. You do not want this person having access to the house and to dad.
2. He will need more direct care and since he is resistant to having someone come in moving him to AL or even MC would keep him safe and cared for.

YOU are the POA here.
Do you have someone with dementia living alone?
Because this going into care at some point is not a choice (you say he doesn't want this or that; but truly not a choice when he cannot function on his own--and clearly he cannot whether because of physical or mental incapacity, or BOTH).

Do you have PROOF that vet bills and her own bills are paid on his card?
This of course is simple elder abuse and fraud and punishable by prison time under the law, making this an instant report to police, canceling of credit card, opening of new credit card through POA ONLY and protected.

You have several ways to go. At present Dad is "paying" 4,000 a month to stay in his own home. You can add your name as POA to credit card, changing the number, and have all credit card bills sent TO YOU. You can then freeze his credit so she cannot get new cards for your Dad nor use his name in any way for anything, and that if you are POA is your DUTY if Dad has dementia. You would arrange to pay all his bills; you would give him a monthly rundown for his records and keep meticulous records yourself; you would give him a small allowance account and manage all other accounts so he cannot be defrauded. It's a huge job; I did it.

Putting Dad into ALF is going to be a good deal more than 4,000 a month, I think you know. Tho he will be protected, have food, and be housed well, and may even come to enjoy the benefits available. My brother did.

You are either his POA or not.
He either has dementia or such severe physical incapacity he cannot manage, or not, and if not you cannot make these decisions FOR HIM without his agreement. But if he is blind he is HELPLESS, as as POA you must act.
You have all the information. You know what is right, because clearly you "get all of this", but you are not THERE for him to protect him, and he doesn't want to go into care. He is clearly being taken advantage of, to the tune of 4,000 now, but who knows how much more in future.

You have decisions to make now that only you can make. I am truly sorry. This is a dreadful dilemma. This woman is basically doing CAREGIVING for your stepdad. Truth is that she SHOULD be paid something. But she cannot just decide how much and when.
You describe this person as a friend. It is clear that she is no friend. BUT I don't know that you know how severe any diminuation of mental capacity is in Dad, nor clear about what permissions for paying her is giving. I think that you really need to meet with her and present the evidence you have found. Dad either approved this or didn't, and without such a meeting with her and with Dad how can you know. If she won't discuss with you, I guess you have your answer.

I believe this is elder abuse and fraud. What I don't know is what you can do about it without getting a diagnosis of dementia. Which would mean an end to living alone, in all honesty, and the beginning of you being in the middle of a very tough job of long distance POA (I know; I did it) for someone uncooperative and disagreeing with you (which I didn't have to deal with).

I can only wish you luck.

Does he have home care services from an agency? Where did she come from? How far away are you from where he lives? If she isn't a friend, tell her to leave and get your dads card from her. Also, you can call the police.

Love Crochet,

That is so sad! Isn’t there any trustful family members that can stay with him to cook and clean in exchange for room and board?
you should definitely call Adult Protective Services and Social Services. Even the police make sure that she passed the background check and isn’t a scammer doing this to other elderly people.
wishing you luck.

Aside from contacting Adult Protective and Social Services, it will be a good measure to request if you can, the bank statements associated with the ATM card, at least 3 months worth from the month the spike in total balance occurred. It will help solidify the possible financial exploitation that is occurring. Perhaps it will be a good idea to limit the amount or balance of the account associated with the ATM card and establish a notification (via text or email) if the balance exceeds a certain amount. In this way, your family will be able to get the alerts and check the transactions.

Please (1) report the card lost/stolen immediately, (2) find a reputable care agency to help your step-father. Once that is in place, (3) file a police report. What the caregiver is doing is fraud/theft. It’s important to take action against her so that she cannot so this to other people. If she actually cared for him, it might soften the blow but what she’s doing is very illegal. Your step-father should also have a POA (medical and durable), preferably utilizing a trusted family member. (3) Establish online account access for his credit card(s) and print off all statements for before this woman had account access and after (so you can show the police). I am a professional bookkeeper & have seen unscrupulous/illegal behavior before. Cut the ties with this woman and please press charges.

Call the police. It’s theft.

In addition to all the other posts, is it possible to move your stepdad closer to your home? Clearly, he needs someone to manage his financial affairs and his life day-to-day needs.

If you have legal authority over accounts, block all of them or create new p/w that only YOU know. If you do not have legal authority over all financial, and otherwise, accounts, do this immediately.

I do not know why he has been 'allowed' to manage these needs for 'so long' - for this theft to go on for so long? In any case, you must call APS. Be sure to get the caregiver's information - as she may take off. Is she hired through an agency? This is important to know. Do a background check on her.

Gena / Touch Matters

Cancel the card, freeze his credit files. File a police report. Your only chance of recouping money is through the police, also they may save someone else from becoming her victim.

My mom fought going into memory care, even after she was there. But knowing she was safe, was a huge relief. She made many friends at MC and is well cared for.

All these answers have merit. (Since I was a Geriatric/Medical Social Worker for 30 years I had to help families with this issue) However, before you, as Power of Attorney for Health and Finance, you must do one thing. You must, in most states, take your father to a doctor who understands dementia. If he/she agrees that your father has dementia and is unable to make rational decisions, he must certify in his paperwork that your father has dementia and that the POA H&F should be activated. (Some states require 2 doctors signatures). Most banks and other organizations won't accept your word that you are the POA and can make decisions for your father without copies of the POAs and doctor's activation paperwork. (There are many family members, sadly, that scam their loved ones also)

This is extremely fishy. If Dad hasn't been seeing his bills ( electric/water/ medical coverage and most importantly homeowners insurance)how are they getting paid? I don't believe you can pay a credit card bill with a credit card. Was she paying his bills with her own account? I didn't have your problem but a joint bank account should've been done after your Mom passed. You have the right,if you have a notarized will, to open the joint account,get a debit card and get the banks app that notifies each purchase. When you get a different credit card, make sure you have the authorization to use it,they can not be inherited. I'm surprised she was able to sign for anything. I know over the phone and pins go unnoticed. There's no doubt that Dad has issues about leaving his home but it's not only for protection but his safety, just one fall could end up with surgery/ bedridden or be fatal. I don't know how you want to handle this "friend" but I still wonder how his bills are getting paid. BTW, I feel for your situation and taxes bite! I'm glad you had all the forms to do them. Might not next year unless you change his address to yours. Mom was in AL and then MC which basically says that they can't get/handle the mail. Please act quickly as she might be a thief and know that you're on to her and move on. Perhaps the weekend trip is to another credit source? Good luck,be strong!

You are your Dad's POA to act on his behalf. I recommend that you follow advice from Isthisreallyreal, Geaton777, BurntCaregiver and AlvaDeer. They have been on our forum for years and trusted advisors.

BRILLIANT POST

LoveCrochet: Cancel the credit card posthaste. Inform the credit card company of the fraud.

This is theft. This may be considered elder abuse—taking advantage of an elderly person. Call Adult Protective Services and see if this warrants contacting law enforcement. They could have ideas your next course action. Bring all your documents including the POA. One idea would be to close his accounts and open one with both you and he on that one. Collect all the evidence you can. With the POA you might be able to access the accounts and find previous bills.

I'm a degreed accountant with 35 years of experience doing internal audit in the corporate world. About five years ago I turned those skills to helping non-profits who have been attacked by financial fraud. About the same time, I became my mother's POA and a whole world of elder financial abuse came into view. I've seen or heard your story numerous times at this point.

Quite often, the perpetrator has gained the trust of the elder. Separating the perpetrator means harming the elders sense of well-being, so it gets really complicated.

Here are a few things I've learned in my work, and now in my own family:

1. Notify the bank immediately of suspect fraud on his card and in his bank account. Get them to kill his debit card and reissue and ask them to close his account and open a new one. If you haven't already given them your POA paperwork, you'll need to present that to them to get them to act on your word. Also, is your POA springing or durable?

2. No matter how frustrated and angry you are with the caregiver, don't let on quite yet that you've figured out their game. By soliciting their help, you may get the information you need faster than of you were to go to banks and credit card companies for records. You want to gather as much evidence as you can before you tip your hat. Knowledge on her parts gives her time to fabricate things or make up stories to explain away what she's done.

3. When/IF she asks why the card isn't working, tell her the bank suspected that the card was compromised and they are issuing another one. Allow her to think you view this as a nuisance more than a big deal. Lying isn't lying when you are dealing with a thief.

4. Ask for her help. Tell her you can't find any statements and bills around the house and ask her if she might know where they are. You need to give them to the accountant for taxes. She may just be able come up with them and you never know what she might tell you in the process. I know this seems like a Longshot, but I've seen this work more than once!

5. You say she used your dad's card for personal expenses. Prove it. Perhaps you know the vet bills on his card must be hers because he doesn't have an animal. Soooo...did she pay that card herself? If she did, that's one problem, but if you can see that the card was paid from your Dads bank account, you know she used his card AND stole his money to pay it. Your proof has to be objective and verifiable if you are going to pursue it legally, and even if you are going to justify to your dad why you have to get rid of her.

6. Pull a credit report on him so you can see what open accounts he has. Notify all of them that you are the POA and give them your address for statement purposes. You can also see if there are any addresses on there (maybe hers?) that don't belong to him

7. Sign up with USPS for delivery notification. You can get a daily email telling you all the first class mail that will be delivered that day. Its not perfect, but it's pretty good.

8. Decide what you are going to do with the information you have. If you turn it over to authorities, you are going to put a lot of stress on your dad unless you can help him understand what she is doing to him. And understand that they are going to look at any evidence you have through critical eyes, so nothing you take to them should be based on feelings or supposition. Everything you collect, look at it and ask yourself if this could be anything except what you suspect? She's certainly going to have explanations (i.e. "he said he would pay my dogs vet bill", or "I paid him back with cash") so try to anticipate what those might be.

We just finished dealing with this with my m-i-l. Our nephew was taking a weekly paycheck from her and writing himself another larger check each week, forging her sig. He was charging his amazon purchases and groceries to her card. We cut him loose and it's been a big ugly thing. Had to be done though.

We had this happen with hubby's mom. Grandson would come by and get a check every week from mom. He knew how much she got each month, and would get 1/4 of that every week to "buy her groceries/cat food". He would pocket the change. He even had her bank account where he would "pay her bills" via the phone. Bills weren't getting paid. We got wise to that too. So, we took her credit card, bank card, checkbook, changed all the passwords to the bank, paid the bills, etc.. She was such a trusting person! This was her grandson! We started backtracking, checking bills, etc. After doing a search of the checks, credit card statements, etc., we found he had embezzled over 18,000 from his own grandmother! When he couldn't access the money any longer, he stopped coming around, which was fine with us. Elder law attorney said it wouldn't be worth the cost of prosecuting him. We haven't seen the boy since then! I can't even imagine doing that to my grandma/mother/father.

Reroute the bills to your house. Cancel the credit card she has. You can pay all his monthly bills online from your house. That only leaves food he needs and some reasonable gas money to give her.

Get another of his credit cars to use for groceries. Start sending her a paper check (reasonable amount) each month to cover gas. She does go visit and willing to grocery shop, so consider gas and her time to run these errands. Go pay dad a visit and let him know he needs to reel in the card spending....and help him by talking with her in front of him. You can tell her that the credit card is only to be used at the grocery store and you will pay her XX dollars for her time and XX dollars for gas per month with a check because you have to start tracking his spending in case he has to go on Medicaid at some time. She may decide the free ride is over and not come back. At that point you will have to find someone to handle this sort of deal - or - have a relative handle it - or - hire a caregiver to come in weekly/twice a week to visit/handle a few chores/errands and do the shopping in a more professional manner - meaning she provides the receipt to you that she charged on the card. You could also have groceries delivered weekly to his home.
What is doing is morally wrong maybe, but probably not criminal. He gave her the card and never complained about amounts all this time. You will have to participate to get things under control with a new plan and more oversight.

It's fraud, financial abuse, report it to Adult Protective services. Get power of attorney. Go the legal route. Time consuming yes, but worth it. It is exhausting to get wrapped up in the stories that go along with adult financial abuse. Yes, I also went paperless, keep track of all financials and document, document, document. End it sooner vs later and yes - I speak from experience unfortunately.

I experienced the same thing with my 87-year old uncle. I am his healthcare and financial POA. I recognized last summer that his bank account got charged $1200.00 from his local hardware store. I called the store to ask about it and they told me they remembered the transaction and the woman who was with him. They were even able to tell me what she was driving...a white van.

(A couple months earlier, his "van" driver from the Senior Center tried to buy his car for $200.00. I told her that he was probably confused and wanted $2000.00. My uncle started getting angry with me because I wouldn't let him sell his car for $200.00. We fought for about a month, and I finally said okay. The day of the sale, he realized his mistake and I immediately called her and cancelled. I sold it a week later for $5000.00. He boasted about it and told everybody he had money. That's when I believe the theft started.)

I started investigating his bank account and his food stamps. I got copies of receipts from local grocery stores and statements for all his food stamp purchases since January 2023. I highlighted transactions and made copies of everything that was in question. I then called the Senior Center and sent them all of my evidence. The very next day, they put her on leave of absence. One day after that, I walked into the local police station and filed a report. That happened in September 2023.
I got a phone call the day after Christmas from the detective on the case, she told me that the woman just got arrested. In January 2024, we had a Grand Jury and it was moved to trial.

The best thing about all of this is that when I started my personal investigation, I got a call from a guy whose mom also attended the same Senior Center. Months before he had filed a police report because he had proof of the same person withdrawing huge sums of money from his mom's account. However, he lived on another island in a big city and nothing was being done to move the case. I was able to share his information with the local police department here and they took on his case as well!

I'm not expecting any money back from what she stole, but I am expecting justice to be served. It takes a lot of time and effort to pursue, but I would encourage you to do what you can to stop these thieves from taking advantage of our elderly population!

Fraud & Scam

If you continue to work with her discontinue credit cards and use a gift card for grocery store and perhaps gas and "request" receipts for grocery store etc. as is you responsibility
as POA.