My mother is 87. Has lung disease and is on oxygen 24/7.
i have 7 siblings.
2 live too far to be any help and one who refuses to help as her life is too busy.
The other 3 (of which I am one) are caring for my mother 24/7 at her home. It’s killing me.
i have a full time job and three young kids of my own (2 under 12).
i spent every 3rd night sleeping at her house and stay there the next day till a sibling comes to take over at 6pm.
This has been ongoing for 6 months now. We only started it as we thought she was end of life but she’s not.
i want to move my mother to a nursing home but my siblings say ‘she won’t like that’. They don’t have families and are divorced. I am married and have kids.
Help. What do I do? I feel I’m losing my mind. My home life is suffering. My job is suffering as it’s impossible to work from her house due to the e demands on my time from her.
I’m angry now when it’s my time for sleepover as know be there for 24 hours straight and have one full day between shifts at my own home with my own family. Being the only female all the personal care such as showering is down to me.
My mother is a narcissist and was never much of a mother to me. Was always about her. Now she’s saying stuff like ‘you’re an amazing daughter’ but I know for a fact that’s only being said now as she ‘needs’ me. She’s never once had a positive thing to say about me for 45 years so….
Do I just extract myself like my other sibling has done?
im suspecting my siblings are waiting for me to bail out so it’s ‘my fault’ as two people couldn’t manage this.
Any advice or words of wisdom welcome.
It’s nobody’s “fault” that your mother is old and needs more care than can be provided by family .
Your siblings either will pick up the slack , which I doubt , or Mom will be placed in a facility that can meet her needs.
I agree with you that your mom would be better served by being in a nursing home. They have a full staff that can look after your mother.
You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness on this earth. That’s too bad if your mother won’t accept that you do not wish to continue with things as they are now.
If your siblings disagree with you and feel that they can do a better job, let them handle it.
Best wishes to you.
It is a matter of who bails first.
So be the smart one.
This arrangement is not good for you or your family. So own it.
Phone Call, meeting, email how ever you want to do this let them know that you are no longer going to be able to do "sleep overs"
Mom can pay for Caregivers if a facility is not what the family wants. (Whoever is POA for Finances can add paying for caregivers to the list of bills)
I think mom no longer has a say in the game as far as she is best for her.
Placing mom in Skilled Nursing or AL (if she is able to be in AL it depends on her medical issues.)
THIS
This statement here is it.
This has been told to my LO by their Doctor. I hope & wish many more professionals, family caregivers, other family & support workers can spread the word.
Caregivers twisting themselves up, trying to avoid appearing 'selfish' - so that others can stay selfish.
Get your plan of action ready if this happens. Do not give in to your sibling bullies.
You have good reason to be losing your mind but I'm here to tell you that your emotions are your undoing.
Take deep breaths and flip that handy-dandy switch, which we all have, and that you're emotions have blinded you from seeing. Put the feelings aside and become a superior person of clear vision who needs to fix this nonsense. Period.
For you and your immediate family's survival you must become (not uncaringly) a hardcore, logical, clear thinking machine. Leave your nerves and feelings out of what you are about to do. With no stress or malice YOU take charge.
Deep breaths… And then for the next 7 days work as if you are a laser focused investigative paralegal, cool headedly collect and list all the services available in your mom's area. Tough nuts if there aren't too many. You may throw in a couple of facilities in the areas of the two out-of-town siblings.
You head this list with a message saying that the current arrangement is unsustainable and a tremendous burden that's hurting your family and your health, not to mention that the responsibilities are unfairly distributed.
Conclude by saying that you tried your best to research facilities and home aid services. List several and include links to websites.
Sign off by saying you are open to reasonable and serious suggestions because as of…set a deadline… your can no longer damage your health and neglect your family.
On the eighth day email the whole shebang to all your siblings.
You mother's assets should pay for her care. Maybe you can suggest that each sibling equally pay for a CNA.
Your mom may love a nursing home. They are not all bad. Better that each of you take turns visiting than killing yourselves and wind-up hating each other more and for yet another reason.
You give everybody fair warning, the list and a deadline. AND STICK TO IT. Go out of town if you have to.
Please take a few deep breaths, clear yourself of your useless emotions and take f'in charge.
Who gives a sh*t what anyone in the whole wide world thinks. This is straight up really taking-care and not in the chaotic way it's going now.
Who among your siblings are going to step up to help your family after you're spent to down to a frazzle. Your kids are suffering, and so you have to take a couple of steps back, say to yourself this is happenin' and tough tahtahs if someone doesn't like it. And don't you dare think "then their going to say it's my fault" if you bail. Their hurting you, and you're hurting you with that type of thinking.
You are offering a solution. Stand proud. Show your kids how it's done to be a take charge person.
Btw, who's got the POA? The person doing the work should have the power. If that's you, you've got to do the logical thing in the best way you can for your mom within the limits of who you are, a human being, and not a sacrifice.
The name of the game from now on...
You work with me. I'll work with you.
You dump on me, I'll dump on you 10x's better.
You help me, I'll help and teach you graciousness.
Hugs. 🤗
It is common for a narcissistic mother to dump everything on a daughter. The sons, not so much. It appears that you have been the family scapegoat your whole life. Which is not an insult aimed at you, but your siblings and mother. The brothers don't want to place her because their mother probably sees them as the golden children and they don't want to upset her in the least. So what if it's killing you and you're shortchanging your kids? As long as mother is happy with her sons, it's all good in their world.
The bulk of caregiving is always on the daughters in families like this. There is a tendency to think caregiving for an elderly parent is the same as taking care of a child. As you know, it isnot. The brothers figure you're already taking care of kids; why not one more?
You should not be spending nights/full days with mother when you have kids at home who need you more. They come first. You know this.
Families like this do NOT like it when the scapegoat finally puts her foot down and says she can't do this level of caretaking anymore. Your mom might be mad about placement but she is the sort who will be mad at you for maybe breathing too loud.
You'll have to tell them you can no longer do this. Or at least stop spending nights and full days with her every week. If the brothers insist she stay home, then they can stay with her and hire someone for bathing and such. Everyone will be angry and act like you're the most selfish person on Earth. Stay strong and remember THEY are the problem, not you.
My mother was at "then end of her life" three times according to medical professionals. She was even in hospice once. The first time I tried to be with her every day for the majority of the day, but with two kids and full-time job, it was impossible. I lost my job due to the stress and my inability to actually do my job. She has now been in the NH for 3 years.
She never wanted to go to a nursing home, but it wasn't about what she wanted, it was about what was best for her and the rest of the family. We couldn't care for her at home without sacrificing our mental, physical, emotional and financial health. It also would have had a significant impact on my kids as I would have always been stressed and unable to support them financially.
If you siblings want to care for her at home, let them. That is their choice. Your choice is to step away, which is the right one for you and your family.
Are you afraid that your siblings AND your mother will be mad at you if she goes to a NH? Are you the only reason she's not in one already? Are the (5?) non-participatory sibs also saying that Mama can't go to a NH because she "won't like it"?
Even if all of your sibs end up being mad at you, you will have to realize that they never really liked you very much then, did they?
I didn't read the first time that you are having a hard time doing your job. on the days that you have to do it from Mama's house. Another factor tipping the scale to make you realize that you need to exit yourself from this entire situation.
What do you think of the suggestions and thoughts from forum members so far?
I would tell them explicitly why you're overwhelmed. I would give them your recommendation. Then I'd exit the situation.
But that's just me. You can't be expected to play by others rules, dictation and consequences.
I feel for you, as a mother with a young child myself.
Since you are already doing all the medical, pension, and banking stuff, I take it you are her POA/HCPOA? Can you make unilateral decisions for her (ex. facility placement)?
Step away from the physical caregiving. This is not an equitable situation amongst the sibs. Have the ones who live elsewhere taken family leave or vacation time to come stay with your mother? I bet not.
You and YOUR FAMILY deserve more.
“She sees all the housework etc as my job (my other two siblings are men).”
The sexism is jumping out at me, Nalz44. I assume you don’t want your children to pick up the idea that only females clean or only females can do personal care.
Also, as a total outsider to this situation please take this just as food for thought but: is it possible you are “OK” with shortchanging your kids in favor of your mom because that’s how your mom always treated you? (I know of course you aren’t purposefully doing that; there was an initial crisis situation that morphed into an open-ended slog.)
Mother's needs will increase.
So unless more non-family get included into the care team, the team will get overworked & start to quit.
You can lead the change & arrange more help: adding more NON-family help.
You can keep following this plan.. waiting for one of you to quit. Maybe a sibling will quit before you - making you 1 of 2 left.
Or you can quit first. Explain the whole plan needs to change. Warn them you will quit without extra support. Then do so. This will FORCE change.
After looking at your options, which choice are you leaning towards?
Then call a family meeting. Listen to what each can offer. Will it meet the actual care needs? If not, who & how will fill the gap?
A friend that went through similar (3 sisters share-caring 24/7). They accepted they needed non-family help too. They put an initial time limit of 3 months. They kept up family discussions. They kept reassessing. Was everyone ok? No. They were scared, exhausted, overwhelmed. Sometimes angry blowups happened too. So what needed to change? What extra training or equipment did they need? They researched, found it, added it. The plan was to stay home.
Then the plan was to stay home as long as possible.
Their honesty & flexibility helped them.work.as a team enormously. I know not everyone has siblings that slot into a good working team .. just do your best to be honest with them about your limits.
Time to step away from the overnights and let them see how untenable this situation is. You can do other things to help -- and it sounds like you already are -- so you prioritize your own family, do what you can for your mother, and let your two divorced siblings who appear to have all the time in the world take on the day-to-day care. I guarantee they'll have a come-to-Jesus moment within the next two weeks.
As a mother of young children and a wife, you should not be doing these 24 hour shifts. You should be with YOUR family. If you feel bad or guilty about anything, it should be that you are not spending enough time with your own family.
Your mom should be in a facility or have 24/7 paid caregivers. If your siblings get mad that you are going to back waaaaaay back, too bad. Let them get mad. So be it.
If your mom gets mad that things are going to change and she will not be surrounded by family or in her own home, again, too bad. She needs lots of help and she does not get to call the shots. YOU are in control of your own life, not her.
It may not be easy to extricate. yourself, but the life you are living now is not easy either.
Please, quickly make a plan and just do it. You deserve it. And so do your children.
Best of luck.
It's probably way past time for mom to go into SNF, it is the price that needs to be paid for a long, healthy life. You pay one way or another in life. Either you die early, cheated out of your time or you grow so old and die in bits and pieces and you need to go into a SNF. That's the way the cookie crumbles. I don't feel sorry for my elders anymore.
I am sorry you're being taken advantage of by your siblings. You said you're doing 90% of the workload. I agree, as mentioned, to stating what you will help with (meals, meds, etc...) This all has become too much for you obviously. Is there any way caregivers can be hired for bathing?
I would immediately have a meeting with your siblings and do not bend on your position. Explain your dilemma. Explain this situation needs to change. I hope things get better for you. As I had to learn from this, my husband and family have to come first. You will never get your time with your children back.
First find your nursing home, though. It's easier to start the ball rolling when you can make the plans specific.
Fish belong in the water, bears belong in the woods, elephants belong in the savannah, and 87 year olds belong in facilities. It’s just nature’s way
You take care of you and your family.
Be straight up with siblings: "I cannot possibly do this much CG for mom. She is not at the point she needs hospice, but she needs some kind of in home care, or perhaps placement in a facility. "
You could then step away from hands on care and tell the sibs the things you WILL DO. Likely, setting up meal kits, if mom can still cook for herself. Do her banking online for her, pick up and pills and stuff she needs, but can wait for. A short, and I mean SHORT visit at your convenience. I had waaaay too many visits with mother that went south after an hour and I'd be driving home crying hysterically. I didn't need that. Neither did she.