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The original poster wrote, "We are not the "put her in a rest home" type..." but it really can get to the point where it is not about you, as the caregiver - sometimes everyone and especially the caregivee is better off in a facility. You can't necessarily tell how much is depression or fatigue, and how much is dementia, but just labeling it "I don't care" may not be altogether right. Sometimes the "I don't care" is a mask for the fact that they really can't pull together all the steps of doing a task anymore and if someone else steps them through one bit at a time it will still be doable. Sometimes you fall into the trap of asking if they "want" to do something necessary instead of saying "it is time for" and giving smaller choices but not the choice to avoid altogether...other times they really are going to refuse no matter what and that can be a bad situation, where it's true you may actually do better than a facility because they more or less have to let people refuse care. On the other hand, if they refuse critically necessary care like turning in bed and get pressure sores or starve themselves, you can get in trouble for neglect. Realize too that if there is significant dementia, even if memory and superficial conversation seems relatively OK, empathy or taking other people's point of view is a higher level skill that is lost first, so they really can't appreciate the reason for doing anything hard or unpleasant if they don't really feel like it at the moment. Most people don't smell an odor that is always around them, and it would not be surprising at all that they don't believe you when you tell them there is one. Spraying won't work as well as cleaning - maybe use some Nature's Miracle or something enzymatic - if they really won't let you or a hired housekeeper do anything, one of the options is to call Adult Protective Services and explain there are two adults unable to care for themsevles.
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Llama I agree with you my Mum has virtually no sense of smell at all now. So it is now me who deals with it. She actually popped herself at one point in my car on a warm sunny day and said it is just as well it doesn't smell - (yeah of course it doesn't - gag gag)

I don't ask my mum I tell her I am going to shower her. She rarely puts a barrier u against it. Not the same with feeding she is too lazy to put the food in her mouth and won't let me feed her (I also don't want to start that until it is essential) I say feeding but I mean main meals she will eat junk till it comes out of her ears! Go with the flow where you can and if you have to have battles pick them well or you will end up like me - bloody frustrated - you will anyway but more quickly if you don't step wisely
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As a nurse, I had a woman in her 40's hospitalized for an extreme adrenaline disorder. She could not get herself to care if she died. Just lay in the bed, wanted nothing, did nothing, peed on herself. Although she as embarrassed, she said she'd rather sit in it than let us help her get cleaned up. It took a few days of IV hormone therapy to see some results. When she was able to get her hormones orally, she was sent home. She became more active and cared about what happened to her. Maybe a blood test is in order to make sure there is no imbalance?
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OhJude: IKR! (I know, right). Mom even used her shower seat as a toilet and did not even know it! How did you ever get the stench out of your auto?
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Llama luckily when we go out I make Mum wear not just depends panties but also an incredibly huge padded pad inside them - she hates it but let me tell you it was a god send that day. Not only did she poop but we were miles from home late afternoon just as home time traffic builds on a warm sunny day. Moreover what I didn't realise is that she had taken her seat belt off. On the way home she said I am seeing now (peeing) oh deep joy and a river runs through it sprang to mind!. Then when I had to do an emergency stop for a car whose driver was on his mobile phone (don't start me on that one) she started to go forward at an alarming rate. Of course I swung my arm out to stop her at which point she was flung BACK into her seat at an equally alarming rate. now this wasn't a nearly through the window moment but it was enough for me to actually hear the splurge of her bottom sit down hard on the already wet and soiled pad.

So no mess in the car as far as the upholstery went but kings from waist to waist she was covered in ....well I am sure you get the picture. I now have plastic covers on the seats JUST IN CASE
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Sorry about all the spelling mistakes WE NEED AN EDIT BUTTON
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OhJude: Oh my! You certainly had a time of it! What was her mindset (or not) in removing her seatbelt? Glad your auto didn't get pooped up, but that must have BEEN SUCH AN UNPLEASANT TASK!
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Jude: Your river runs through it had me laughing. I'm sure laughing was the last thing on your mind that day.
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Time to cut a hole in that shower seat. :-)) WE DO NEED AN EDIT BUTTON, webmaster.
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Llama you can buy showerseat commodes which would solve that problem hun and there comes a point when laughing is the only thing you can do short of losing your marbles. Weirdly enough I cope really well with all the big things b ut if you really want to see me lose my cool drop round when its meal time. Constant battle. Mum gets rage, I get furious and we end up not speaking most days over her eating her dessert and leaving her lunch. Don't let her have dessert till she has finished the mains course I hear you say. I don't....then when I empty the bins I find she has put half her main into the bin and hidden it under tissues - I tell you she may have, well does have dementia, but they can still bloody outwit us
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OhJude: No need for me to buy a different shower seat. Mother has departed. The town's senior center is using it (or not! ). I know what you mean about the childlike behavior! Just about drove me 'round the bend! Nuts..
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