Mother does not care.. about anything.

That is part of the illness. I use incentives for my mom. Whether a piece of candy or anything that will encourage her. All with kindness and gentle words and physical touch. It is also not an option. But I do ask her is this a good time for you. If she says no I say ok in 40 minutes I'm going to put the movie on pause and then we are going for a bath instead of right now. Is that better for you. Then when the time comes. I say nothing put the movie on pause and assist her with kindness to get up and and get a bath. When dressing her I ask her what color she wants to wear today and compliment her constantly. Put lipstick on her and tell how beautiful she is after she bathes and gets all dressed up. Everything is like that. It's grinding. It's grueling. It's stressful. But it works.

I'm going through a lot of the same things with my mother. She has been with us since March and has slowly gotten more and more "helpless". My mother is still interested in food and would happily sir in her chair all day waiting for food to show up instead of fixing something for herself. I know she can still do it but she just doesn't want to.

The problem is that the less she moves, the weaker she becomes and then, she really will be helpless.

And, oh, the smell. She can't smell herself but the family gags when she comes into the room. Getting her to bathe is a struggle.

Sorry, I don't have any advice bur you are not alone

Bonniepages: I hope someone is telling you how beautiful you are for the care you are providing. Don't forget to take sometime to refill you're own well to avoid burn out.

It would seem that she is suffering from a deep depression. Have you seen a doctor about this? I am not a big fan of medicating emotional illness but at 82 she is not likely to do therapy - perhaps an anti-depressant would help. I feel for the difficulty you are facing with her. Is it possible she knows you will not put her in a home so she knows she can get away with this. Perhaps, too, you could consider saying that you cannot go on like this, you are going to look for a care facility....she may just snap out of it when she realizes you won't put up with it anymore. This is terrible behaviour on her part, the situation seem untenable to me. I am sorry for your difficulty. I don't believe you are responsible for anyone to this degree, that any of us are. You cannot do for her what she will not for herself. She is capable it seems from what you say and only doing this because she gets away with it. Back away until she behaves appropriately and tell her this is what you are doing in no uncertain terms. This is childish attention seeking, when she is not rewarded for it by your attending to it it will stop....it takes some strength to let her sit in her self-pity and do nothing but it is the only thing that will work. If it doesn't work, put her in a home and get on with your life, making a visit or two a week.Where is it written that we must give our lives up to our elderly parents when they will not do for themselves when they are able. Your behaviour is as dysfunctional as hers in a way...and I say this with complete compassion. change your end of things and her end will be forced to shift. Not easy at all i know...but crucial. Good luck and many hugs.

This is not self pity it is dementia...

Medication will probably help some but it will not disappear..

Patience and education will help..

I feel your pain. My mother has Dementia to the point where she doesn't really know HOW to do anything for herself anymore. Physically she can run around the house like a maniac and climb the stairs 200 times a day. She's a whirlwind of activity as she (organizes) all day, which really means she's moving stuff around. Mentally though, she can't and won't bathe herself or change into clean diapers when she's had an accident, or clean her dentures, change her clothes or fix anything to eat. I have to follow her around to make sure she's not doing anything dangerous or unsanitary. She will not cooperated with the caregiver when it comes to baths or diapers unless I'm around to reinforce it. She is rebellious around everyone but me. Yes...it is hard to care for someone who does not care about their self. Mom takes forever to eat and prefers soft and mushy foods. I think her dentures aren't fitting right. I'm not a professional but it sounds as though your Mom is depressed. Laying around and not wanting to do anything is a sign of that. Not wanting to eat is a sign of depression also. Sometimes "approach" has a lot to do with how Mom responds to me. When she's not responding to me, I try a different approach. Am I acting disgusted, bossy, aggravated or condescending?
If so, I try acting sweeter, more patient, more loving,etc. But sometimes I'm acting very sweet and patient and she wont respond until I go all military on her :) There are no hard and true answers for Dementia patients. You just have to keep trying to word things differently or use different psychology until something clicks with them. Sometimes they don't want to do things but what they aren't telling you is that they don't know how because they are confused and they are too embarrassed to admit it. Good luck to you and lots of hugs. Every day brings new challenges and it can be very exhausting.

I agree that she sounds depressed. Go to the doctor and get an depression screen and meds if needed. I would find her an adult day care near you and work toward taking her there two or three days a week or everyday if she is able. Since she likes when other people come to visit she might need more socialization an adult day care could fill that void.

I agree she is very depressed and needs medication. It might save her life, if not she might spiral down into a place you will not be able to reach her. My Mother is in a home, and I felt it was my responsibility to put her there. People take care of her there in ways I never could, and she is safer. Do you think your mother might have dementia?

I totally agree with clarinetcathy. Read the post "What might the neuropsychology test results mean if elder can make own decisions with guidance of doctor?"

If I have misunderstood the cause of her behaviour I am really sorry. Dementia is very difficult. Ido think you must take care of yourselves first. I don't know much about dementia. You have my deepest appreciation. I know some cultures take care of their elderly which I respect and believe we can all learn from. That said, there is a point where ruining your own lives is not doing good for anyone, including your mother. You need help and so does she. If you can find a good facility for her, daily or full time, and reclaim some of your own lives, I would encourage you to do it. Many hugs to you.

We had the same problem with my sister in law not wanting to bathe and always an argument. So I bought a calendar and every other day I have it marked shower today. On Friday's I have shower and wash your hair. I also have two dates written in a week to dust her furniture and vacuum. Surprisingly this has worked. She marks off each day when she gets up and comes and tells me she is ready for her shower and then does her chores and reports back that she completed them and marked them off her calendar. People with Alzheimer's cant keep track of time but if you use a calendar they can see that it has been so many days and this is the schedule. Getting her to use soap is still an issue but at least the shampoo runs down and she does sometime use soap. We take everything out of shower area except her soap and wash clothe,.we keep only her towel in the bathroom..it makes it less confusing and overwhelming for her..there is a lot of steps in bathing so it helps to remind them to wash their face first with that wonderful new anti aging soap you bought for them. Tell they really glow when they get out of the shower. Eating, well that's another issue. We don't ever ask her if she is hungry anymore because she would always say no. We Just make her food and tell her it is time to eat. She still wants to argue sometimes but she does it even if she doesn't eat it all...but if we don't monitor it she will not eat. We have to stay on it every meal. She is also in great health physically, better than myself or my husband, but she wont get anything to eat herself..not even a sandwich...we have to make it. We will care for her as long as we can but once she gets to the point that she will not use the restroom we will put her in a home. We have had her now for about a year and half. Our visits with our children and grandchildren are very limited due to caring for her..long story..she tells very inappropriate stories to anyone she can get to listen to her. It's a challenge, once it becomes too much accept that you have done everything you can and let a facility that can better care for take over. They really don't care about any of us anymore, they are trapped in their own world and it is very limited.

Yes, in the original post there was no mention of dementia so knowing that would go a long way to giving proper comments. Getting a diagnosis of dementia or depression or a combo of each would really help you decide on your next step. The fact that she likes to use a baby bottle and needs to be changed and washed shows that she is regressing and I doubt she is doing this on purpose. Resisting could be partially an attention getting device. The day care idea sounds great if you could get her there...that would be a reason to shower and it might lift the depression.

I'm sorry your right I shouldn't have posted. I thought this was I had read dementia somewhere, my mistake.

Or it could be just her personality. My mother doesn't care about anything and shes only 74 and pretty healthy for her age. She just doesn't care about anything. She doesn't care about ANYBODY( but herself and her medications). And its Maddening to say the least. she doesn't bathe she doesn't clean her area she complains that just bending over exhausts her in fact I think she complains about everything and everybody. Taking care of somebody who doesn't care about you at all is Horrible, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

She does sound depressed which comes when the brain does make connections with the neurotransmitters. Ask her doctor for an antidepressant and see if she improves. Because antidepressants are not all alike, it may take several times (or more) to get the right combination that will benefit her. Best wishes!

yes, sounds like some depression and not bathing, well that can be a health hazard. IF she does NOT have dementia, you might want to kindly tell her that IF anyone knows that she is not bathing to keep the smell down that you might be reported and she will be removed from the home for protection. maybe if she feels that she will now not get away with stuff in another environment she might not fight the bath thing so much. But IF she DOES have dementia.........good luck and try other suggestions in this site.

I know it is overwhelming to get so much advice! You may want to try and find a private area and just go through the comments and jot down the suggestions --put check marks next to the ones that are repeated. Then take a deep breath and look them over with your husband and make a plan. What do you want to try first?? Keep in mind that plans are like experiments - you try something, see what happens, tweak it or change it up--and then try again.... If the issues are still not solved after spending some more time experimenting it is OK to move her into a nursing home. She might simply need more care then you can provide. It has nothing to do with loving her or not loving her and it is not about being selfish. It is as simple as that - you are not trained to provide such care and having an emotional attachment to her behavior can actually make it worse for her. So keep trying but give yourself a break if you cannot find a solution!!!!

It's time for Mom to go into care. You are ruining your lives and hers. It takes a staff to care for someone in your Mom's condition. Don't let your good intentions pass for foolhardiness. This is beyond your abilities. It's beyond any child's abilities.

My Mom was acting like that, but does not have dementia. She was just uncaring about doing anything at all and would not eat. We finally found out that she was severely anemic. This may not be the case with your mom, but it is worth checking out. After a few days of iron and eating red meat she was markedly more alert and back to her old self. She just turned 85 and is doing very well now.

Behavior variability is common in dementia One dy they can do things, another day they can't. I know it seems like the are refusing, but they are not. Their reasoning ability is going, if not gone. They respond to a shower as an 8 year old boy. Sometimes they are afraid of all that water.
It is als true that novel figures, grandchildren from far away, new visitors can get a person with dementia to "rouse" themselves for a lmited amount of time. That's why when relatives come for the holidays, the person looks much healthier to them, than she does to you, who are with her every day/
SO
1. do not fight with her. When she smells, calmly lead her by the hand into the bathroom and wash her. As hr if she would prefer to wash up in the shower. If she agrees, fine, if not, just wash her.
Place food in front of her at mealtimes. If you see she is not eating after 20 minutes, remove the food. She may eat the next meal --or not.You may give her kid food that she can eat with her hands and is easy to chew--chicken nuggets, french fries. Place her dessert on the table at the same time. She may eat her ice cream first. That's fine too. You are not making her well or healthy, you are making her and yourselves comfortable.
Calm down, reduce your stress, reduce your expectations of her cooperation to zero. Do for her, love her and realize she has dementia and she is failing. She needs your love and support, but not your criticism or orders.

She is depressed as well as probably other neurological problems.

BE GOOD TO YOUR SELF & BLESS YOU BOTH FOR CARING FOR HER....
Merry Christmas!

Have Dementia/Alzheimers you expect a person not to rememberhow to do.

It sounds to me like she probably lacks motivation. It may also be that she's probably feeling lonely. If you know the term long Lanae crowd, you'll know what I mean especially if you've ever experience it for yourself. I also see what happens to be a pattern. It seems like when she gets to know someone who's caring for her, she stops complying with them then stops doing her part to care for herself. You may have to get to the point of stepping back and not catering to her. I knew someone much like this who expected people to wait on him hand and foot when he was well able to care for himself. It seems like I was used by the person to do for him what others wouldn't. What I experienced and have observed is that he turned against people when they could not or would not cater to him such as taking him somewhere. This is when he would turn against someone he would otherwise like. I know that when you step back and stop catering to someone that they can become very angry at you when you stand your ground and not give in. Sometimes someone that you're helping to care for may expect you to jump on demand and require you to drop everything just to do something they want when they want, even if you're not in a position to be able to do it such as illness or injury. What they fail to understand is that we are human and not robots. One time I hit a situation where I had to take care of a medical need. I was taking care of my own need when this person I was helping demanded that I get up from bed and do something he wanted even though it was clearly bad timing for me. I did not jump on demand, I took care of myself and stayed down until I felt well enough to get up. There comes a time when you must step back and let the inevitable happen when all else fails. Age doesn't matter when someone can physically take care of themselves but won't. Sometimes you had to step back and wash your hands of the situation like I had to. Remember that the person is definitely an adult, but when someone's elderly may have to involve APS.

If not Dementia maybe you should threaten that if she doesn't start doing for herself she won't be allowed to stay with you. You are really no longer her child she is and your the adult. You need to be firm and tell her you can't except her behavior. Yes, you understand she has lost some of her freedom but she is lucky you allowed her to be with you.

I know a very wise woman who says sometimes the elderly regress into past negative behaviours, which they may have grow through over their life. My mother is doing this...abusive when I was a child (very)...learned to do better over the years, and I love her to death...but that loss of function, energy that just comes when you are 90 means she cannot gate keep her negative impulses very well...and she grew up in a time when there wasn't help for people psychologically so no deep healing has really taken place over the years. It's very tough to see and to say good bye after the things that have been said an done this past year grieves me deeply...I hope I will remember the good times...I think i will....it seems to be fairly common in the elderly....very difficult....allow yourself to get help with your mom. I can tell you love her.

My 11 yr. experience now with my now 84 yo. Mother. Brought her here. Me or assisted living, even after much fussing about not leaving her home, or moving out of state with me. But between 2 choices, she chose me. Diagnosed AD over 13 yrs. now. Did much better here with diet, supplements. Good care. But I have said all along there may be a point I can not do it. My health is not the greatest. Have no children to care for me.
So I have reminded Mother all along she must stay active, to stay here. I can not lift her. Lots of challenges. Sometimes, you have to use different tactics, or think how to direct or redirect them.
I have given her lots of care, and concern, but I can not break down my own health.
She does attend adult day care, she is on Medicaid. That gives me a wonderful break. And she loves it and the activities. Gives her something she has come to love, and extra friends.

The elderly have lost interest in things they used to love. And who can blame them really-they've lost their vision, sense of smell and hearing.My mom pooped it up all the time and the bathroom couldn't be used without a complete wipeout. So gross!

There are so many good comments/suggestions on this forum -- exactly why I come here day after day. The support is so comforting and ongoing.

That said, my Mom is 86 but has really cognitively regressed to a 5 year old sometimes, but then seemingly "okay" at other times. That's what someone posted here before. Some days are up and some are down. My 65-year old brother lives with her (always been a mama's boy but also was the object of my Mom's controlling personality from the time he was born). Although not the ideal situation, having my passive-aggressive brother living there does take some of the pressure off of me.

Unfortunately, they too do not take daily baths/showers. She was born during the depression and he was brought up during the 50's. Baths/showers were not a daily thing back then. You're lucky people took a bath once a week -- showers were non-existent in homes basically -- everyone had bath tubs. My Mom gets up everyday and washes herself the best she can with a wash cloth and soap. My brother, nothing. Not only do they smell, the WHOLE HOUSE smells. And they have a cat, too. It is horrible and embarrassing to anyone stepping foot in that house. I have taken to bringing over a dozen cans of Glade linen air freshener spray and leaving them all around the house. As soon as I walk in the door, I'm walking all over spraying, spraying, spraying. When my Mom finally passes and we move my brother to a senior apt., the house will have to be fumigated before being sold.

I know I need to get over there more often and help Mom into the shower but it's an exhausting process. Showering her is at least a 3 hour ordeal because she can barely move or lift her legs to get into the shower and sit onto the shower chair. Getting an aide in to help do this? No way -- she won't allow strangers in. Once done though, SHE smells like a daisy but, again, my brother and the rest of the house reeks. I gag every time I'm over there.

I am also not a "put her in a rest home" type and try my best to make her happy and keep her from falling. I have gotten her at home physical therapy but as soon as the PT person leaves, she doesn't do her exercises and just sits there. I've asked my brother to "remind" her to do them but again, he's passive aggressive and when I'm not there, he just leaves her be to sit there on the couch all day. I'm frustrated beyond belief.

I am constantly struggling with my own anxiety and depression and feeling like nothing I do is making any difference. It's horrible. I know I should be happy that I'm doing SOMETHING GOOD that seems to make a difference in keeping her in her home and independent, but I still feel terrible. That's the depression in me. I know I have to keep working on making MYSELF feel better because my health and happiness at this point does not matter to my Mom (she just is getting cognitively worse by the day so she's just not getting it) and my brother who just does what he does to get by everyday and avoid any meaningful interaction with our Mom. It's a daily grind mentally and I've just learned I've got to forge ahead or I'll end up in a mental institution myself. It is what it is.

I am no health care worker or psychiatrist, but your Mom could indeed be depressed, but medication for this may or may not make her more cooperative. Dealing with depression and it's accompanying medication in a "regular" person is difficult, but for an 82-year old with possible dementia/depression, the odds of her cooperating at this juncture is spotty at best. Again, there is no "reasoning" with the elderly with dementia. So ultimatums are meaningless. You need to take charge in your own mind and calmly tell her that if she refuses to bathe, eat, etc., "xxx" will happen and then follow through on it. It's tough love really.

Taking care of elderly parents is not for the faint of heart. You either decide to do it all in or make the decision to get help, whether from outside aides coming in or exploring a NH or other living situation. I personally cannot put my Mom in a nursing home, she will not leave her home and she refuses outside help/aides, so I've made the decision for myself to chug along and do what I can. I'm waiting for "the call" that she has fallen and will be hospitalized for a broken hip or worse. Then I'll go from there. I need to mentally "step back" from my Mom/Brother or I will surely go over the edge. My husband is very supportive and my sounding board. I thank God for him EVERY DAY.

Oh and as much as I rag on my brother to "please take a bath/shower daily", I might as well be talking Swahili. It's the total passive-aggressive thing in him. He's been brow beat and bullied by my parents all his life, that now that she's so frail and elderly (my Dad passed 8 years ago), she's stopped yelling at him so he now doesn't do ANYTHING he doesn't HAVE to do. So my pleading and begging to "please take a shower. You smell." gets no reaction at all.

His uncooperation is just a manifestation of his being told what to do all his life. Now that our father's dead and our mother has regressed to a 5 year old, my brother has turned the tide on her. He now is frustrated at her physical/mental limitations but refuses to really do anything about it and is totally uncooperative. Again, he just does the minimal required interaction with our Mom that he can get away with. It's pitiful really. I feel bad for her, hence why I go over there and try to make her day to day life a little more enjoyable, because, good God, I would never want to live like that. Other than cognitive dementia and weak muscles/frail, she is basically healthy (heart, lungs, etc.). Sigh.....

Is it possible that he, too,.has lost the olfactory sense?