As if I don't have enough worries, lets add this to the arsenal. My mother is the
worst passenger a person could ask for in their vehicle. She is the proverbial, 'back seat driver'! It drives me crazy. She has to comment on all aspects of my driving. She has macular degeneration, but she has 'perfect vision' to criticize my driving. I could be talking to her while we drive and she will interrupt and say something about either mine or another drivers driving. I go too fast, I follow too close, there's another vehicle near me, etc. It never ends! Let's hear from others who go through craziness that is somewhat off track from the normal caregivers complaints.
One day after coming home from the hospital, she wanted to drive me to a birthday lunch, but we said we would drive, since the restaurant she picked for me was far away, through winding roads. While we were driving there, I tried to cheer up the somber mood of the car (because she was so angry she wasn't driving). I thanked her for taking me out for my birthday... she said, "I haven't paid for it yet!!!" Needless to say, we drove and I paid.
At 92, just 6 months before her passing, she snuck out of the house with someone, in secret to go to the local elder driving testing place. She triumphantly told me she scored at the top of 92 year olds in intelligence, so I should take her for the 'in-car' driving test. I wondered to myself, what relevance scoring at the top of 92 year olds has to do with driving, but I agreed to check out the process with her. They took her on the road for 1.5 hours and she passed!
As she was leaving the offices, they told her she should consider the "transition" from driving in the years to come, like she transitioned from working to retirement. I asked what they were talking about... she didn't transition to retirement. She hadn't worked (outside of the house) since she was 25 yrs old. I think she told them some fantastic stories...
No one ever drove fast enough for her.
The other day I took her shopping and I had to go the mall to return something to Sears. As I'm driving around the backside of the mall to get to the entrance I wanted, my mother shouts out, "THERE'S SEARS!!" as if I had no idea the store was there. I told her that I knew where I was going. Her comment was that she was trying to help me get where I needed to go.
What makes this so ridiculous is that she's new to the area and has never shopped at the mall (although I've gone in to get something and she's opted to stay in the car.)
I try to use the "dysfunctional bingo" mentality whenever I'm with my mom. Someone suggested this to me when I asked about another topic on this website. My mom has no sense of humor, so I don't have anything physical (like a hand-made bingo card)...I just do everything in my head. When my mom says something critical about me, my family or my driving, I don't reply. I just mentally tally that I've earned an imaginary $5. As the day goes on, I keep a running total in my head about how much money I've "won" by her making nasty comments. Some days I've "won" $40 or $50 imaginary dollars.
Playing this imaginary game helps me get through the stressful hours when I'm with my mother and gives me something else to think about, instead of her comments.
Maybe it will work for you too.
Yes, both are semi-back seat drivers.... the only issue is whenever I am at a STOP sign waiting to pull out in heavy traffic. Dad will be telling me the "coast is clear"... I appreciate the help, but usually the coast is NOT clear.
Another issue, is seat belts. My Mom hates using them but she will buckle up at the start of the ride. But whenever we are a couple blocks from where we are going, I hear her unbuckle the belt... she is very hard of hearing so saying anything is fruitless. It scares me when she does that because I have read too many accidents where an elderly person has died in a survivable accident because of not wearing their seatbelt.
I think many Seniors resent the fact that they can no longer drive and have to depend on others to get them from point A to point B. I know my Dad is constantly saying he wishes he could drive and he still thinks he can safely do it. I've seen him with a grocery cart at a store.... you don't want him out on the roads :]
Once he got diagnosed, I asked for his driving to be tested. He passed, but with the limits of no driving in heavy traffic or unfamiliar places. That worked for awhile, but then he became uncomfortable on the open highway and then around our small town. He gave it up himself and hasn't driven for 3 years now. He tries to backseat drive sometimes, but remind him that he gave it up and he needs to let me do it and he should just enjoy the scenery.
It was a process for us, and we discussed what we were going to do when this happened or that happened, or I would ask how do you feel about driving. We also discussed the consequences of insurance not covering an accident, even if it wasn't his fault, because once they found out he had dementia that would be an issue. We didn't want to do anything that might risk our financial future.
I think sometimes the discussions don't happen until the problem/disease is too far along or the discussions don't happen at all and a decision is made by someone else, which causes resentment.
I recently read a book about Lewy Body Dementia, and it said to always involve the "patient" in the discussions and decisions in advance and while they can still understand. When you do that, they seem to remember on some level and are more cooperative when the time comes. So far I have found that to be true. The book also says blaming the disease and that has helped us too, and not just with driving.
And I just had another one of those nightmares where my parents are back alive and we are in some land that is an odd combination of where I grew up and where I live now, and this time Mom got into the driver saide and started driving and drove us right into a big ditch before we realized we did not need to let her do that. I actually used to have a lot of nightmares where I am supposed to be driving but I am not, either the car is under its own control, or somehow I have to reach everything from the back seat before we wreck or the police notice this...got to be a metaphor for something!
Snoozi--- NY passes all the elder drivers no matter what. Mom put her foot on the gas instead of the brake, the engine was screaming and she could not do a parallel park or 3 point turn. They passed her.