I thought I was alone when it came to losing my mother-daughter relationship from caregiving.

Bless your heart. I start getting upset just thinking about a visit to my queen mother. I don't like having to justify the feelings I have about her. Perhaps I wish there were other options, but a normal loving relationship with her is impossible, since she never was that way, and with declining cognitive issues, will probably never be. I grieve daily. Have you seen the thread called "I love my mother but don't like her?" I think you'll find many struggle with these same issues. You aren't alone here. So glad you decided to share. Keep coming back, and hang in there. I pray you find the love and encouragement you need here.

seam, be proud of what you are doing , my geuss is a lot of our siblings that are capable, metnally would never cope. Be strong, when a little times comes along for you GRASP IT, you need it and certainlly deserve it, no one can possiblly take crap all day long and still always have love all you really need is love god bless...sandy

Seam, just know you are not alone. The people here are angels and very supportive. Here you will not be judged, criticized, or yelled at, we promise.

Oh sweet Seam, what an interesting name. Reminds me of keeping two sides pulled together to work as one. Interesting.

Anyway, welcome aboard. Start reading threads and like Anne suggested, its a hot thread when it comes to dealing with mother's selfishness. I hope you can find some encouragement there too.

May you finding healing and comfort while giving care to someone within your family. Plenty here have many stories to share and a lifetime of comfort! Welcome!

Thank you so much for you help. Just knowing there are others that understand is very comforting. I am so glad that I found this.

Sean2-Welcome you have come to a great place- it is easier to deal with things when you know you are not alone and I hope you can somehow get some time for yourself and if you can try to find a caregivers support group in your area-you can check with your local hospital if not continus to post you will find great friends here who care about you.

Sean, my mothers is EXACTLY the same. She always has been very self-centered. My father did everything for her. She expected everything she wanted and he gave it to her. She has said some very nasty things to me and my childrent that have been very hurtful. Most recently, she had my son in tears and now is demanding that he call her and apologize!! My husband is not very supportive and I have no siblings, so all of her demands are on me. Just as you, she is the Queen and I am the servant. She doesn't want me have any kind of a life. We have only been on one family vacation in the last 10 years, because she demands that she goes with us, and I can't stand to haver her with us, so we just don't go. I hate to have the feelings that I have. I don't have a mother-daughter relationship anymore. My mother does not live with us, thank the lord, but she calls multiple times per day and if I don't answer, she tracks me down demanding to know where I am and why I didn't tell her. I find taht I make up lies so that she doesn't guilt me for not taking her along. I understand the not liking those feelings, I hate them, but she has caused this by years of taking and taking from us all. If she were to come over and laugh with us or listen to OUR stories, instead of crying, screaming and feeling sorry for herself, she would find that we all (including her) would be much happier, but I don't think that is in our future. Take care and know taht you are not alone.

Dear dede, here is a big hug for you! I wish my Mom was still here. I miss her so much, she was my best friend, and died when she was only 51. I always want to say to people when they complain about their mother's, at least you still have your mother, but when I read these posts I'm not so sure. Being in the caregiver position instead of the care receiver puts things in a whole different perspective, for daughters, as well as sons. Hugs to you all! Naus

Nauseated. It is so nice that you had your mother as your best friend. That is something that I always wished that I had. But, my mother has always resented me. She hated being pregnant, she hated the birthing process and because my father is the one that wanted a baby, not her, she has always resented me as well. But, now, I am supposed to pay her back for giving birth to me, although she recently told me that she wished I had never been born.. wasn't that a nice thing to say? I feel that all I do is think about her and worry about the next phone call and what horrible thing she will have to say about me or my family. But she wants to know when she can over and see the kids again. I am in such a quandry, because I know I need to have her over and I will never the hear the end of it until I do, but she makes my kids so unhappy... It is very difficult... I just wish I could live my own life without always worrying and wondering about her.

Who says you have to have her over? At whose expense? And why do you have to hear it? I'm not suggesting abandonment. Do all you can to help her, but only from a distance. Worry? Why? Love her, yes. Pray for her and yourself? Definitely. Thank God for the good daughters. Those who scale the walls of bitterness and hate. We couldn't do this without God's help. But we need to remember to protect ourselves and our families from undue pain and abuse. Set your limits boldly. It's not a sin, and it's not a crime, though feeding the fleshly monster of resentment and evil clearly is. Be strong, and cry out to the One who sees and knows your heartache. Mom is hurting, and taking it out on you. Compassion, love and understanding needed. Perhaps some pity, too. But know you're admired by all of us here, and deeply loved by God and us too.

I think you need to hold a hard line with her if you can explain that her behaivor needs to change if you can give her one thing that you will not tolarate from her like her nasty treatment and when she can agree with these conditions she can come for a limited time like for dinner and she can bring something like dessert and maybe stay for 3 hrs. and if she is nice she can come back maybe in a month and if she acts out there will not be another invitation

Excellent thoughts! The only thing is, are we talking about reasonable people here? It is seemingly impossible to reason with unreasonable and cognitively impaired or emotionally deficient people. Though I love the idea of your limits. I've tried them, and they work...temporarily. But old patterns soon resurface, and the process starts all over. Old habits die hard, and old dogs don't always want to learn new tricks. That takes incentive, willingness, capability, and plain hard work. But we choose how to respond, and we are responsible and accountable for how we do so. We have to be different and strong and consistent in order to break the chains and patterns and not ruin the next generation. Love the dessert idea! Perhaps a separate table in the corner to "discipline" all offenders? lol

How about a special time-out chair for Mom? (To think about what just happened...) Call a taxi, and let her drive home alone and pay for it herself, or by taking away a favorite food or privilege? This could get ugly! lol

You guys are actually funny!! I do like the "time-out" chair idea.
Austin - I have tried, over and over, to explain that we can no longer tolerate her nastiness, and for a short time, she says she's sorry. Then comes the next phone call when she says that she can't believe that we are doing this to her and that it is all my fault because I ordered her out of my house when "she did nothing wrong". Anne is so right when she says that we are not dealing with reasonable people here. I know that I and my family have been over backwards, to the detriment of my kids, to meet her needs over the past 10 years, but she continually beets us down. Just this a.m., since my last post, she called to ask when she can see the kids because she has a gift for them, but in her very next breath she said that she "hates" them because they "have done this to her", then she asked when she could come over and give them their presents, so when I snottingly responded "Why would you want to when you hate them so much?" She responded, with "I don't hate them, why would you say that?" I just can't keep up and don't know when to trust her or what she says.
I've got to go to work now and pretend to be happy LOL, so I will talk with you guys later.
Thanks again for all your posts. You don't know how wonderful it is to be able to vent to people who actually understand!

Anne - sorry, I forgot to say, that I do pray for her daily. I pray for her happiness and peace and acceptance. I pray that she will somehow see that her life has been pretty good and focus on the good not the bad, but she continues to only focus on every bad thing that has ever happened and continues to take her anger and bitterness out on me and family. I pray and pray and pray. I have been told many times that I have earned my halo, and I am proud of that, but I'm not sure that I need any more halo's. I crave a normal relationship with my mother and with God, but I'm not sure my prayers are being heard.

Your prayers are heard but God has his own time frame-I am so sorry for what you are going through. She may never change and it is her fault she is lonely- it is sad for your kids-could you drop them off at her house for a short visit with them.

Dede... Austin is right, you have to set hard limits. But what I would follow up on is that if she doesn't remember what she said (and even though it may be a lifetime behavior), check if there are meds that could affect it etc. Also, discuss it with her doctor. Track patterns? (cringing)

But if she said she hated my kids. I'd flat out tell her, "Mom, as much as I'd love you to come by and give them gifts, until you can not hate anymore, you cannot come over." With love and firmness. If she doesn't remember she said it ask, "Perhaps you need me to record things as a reminder?" See what happens then?

For me, mom never got the politely direct subtleties. I had to be direct and blunt with mom. For some that may work, for some it may not. Some people feel love is allowing them to be a little more forgiving, let them do because they are sick, but I'm going to tell you something... that is such a deceitful misnomer.

My sister in law works with special needs and autistic children and she says that's why they are behaved so poorly in private or out in public. Even special children can understand (do not always like it), but it turns out an enjoyable event because of the boundaries or rules set in place. There's nothing wrong with it when it comes to even our parents.

I'm sure I'll receive a lot of flack over it, but learning how to deliver the message of boundaries no matter what is wrong with mom or dad can help make our daily lives just a smidgeon easier. Draw strength on God for learning how to deliver and set boundaries. It's the only way to get through it!

Thanks, ladies. Don't we all need a smidgeon? Love it when we can just hang with our friends who don't expect anything, and we don't owe an explanation. Just laugh and enjoy each other's company. And the encouragement is marvelous.

I didn't mean to say our praying changes anyone. We may only see that in heaven. People need to be willing to change. For me, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is then I cried out to God, and He changed me. I tried, but really couldn't. And I can't change my Mom. Only God and she can do that. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. I may not see those desires fulfilled until we get to heaven.

What loving person wouldn't crave a normal relationship with their parent? But that parent has to crave it too. Just because they aren't healthy, doesn't mean we can't be. We just have to find health where it is, and deal with the unhealthy stuff we have with Mom or Dad or siblings. Yuk. Remember, sometimes God makes people willing to change, through circumstance, etc. We all have choices for how we handle what's been dealt. We didn't get to choose our family, but we get to choose our friends. Choose well!

Austin - it's my kids that she says that she hates... so dropping them off at her house is really not an option.
Mitzi - to me, you are the icon. You have set your limits, know your limits and live by them. I am having a hard time with the boundaries, especially since she calls all the time claiming that all of this is my fault or my kids or husbands fault. Every single call is a fight while I try to remind her that the reason we were angry was because she was so nasty, not the other way around. She just cries and swears that she didn't do anything wrong and I am just being TERRIBLE and I am such a HORRIBLE daughter!
I'm hoping that this is the direction that GOD is guiding me toward and that this is the answer to all my prayers. Perhaps he is finally telling me to set my limits and let her live with it. I don't know. I do know that this is terribly difficult and I seem to be on pins and needles all the time, sick to my stomach, etc. But, this too shall pass, as my father (wonderful man) always used to tell me when we were hashing over my mothers latest transgression.
One of her old friends recently emailed with a story that happened a long time ago. She and some other friends were at a restaurant that my parents happened to arrive at. My mother approached their table and gave them a very loud tongue-lashing because these friends hadn't invited my parents to join them or tell them that they were going. This was about 15 years ago, so you can see, this is nothing new, only worse now with the aging and the passing of my father.

DedeDede, I appreciate that, but I'm going to tell you... its the toughest lesson you will ever have to learn. I'm a stubborn booger, so that is one thing I can credit mom for when I have to focus on the good. Its funny because mom always complains how stubborn I am, and first thought I have, "Well DUH, where do you think I learned it from, the boogie man?"

Ladies, I've hard some hard lessons with mom. I'm just now for the first time in my life trying to find who I am. Literally, and its just too long to post in this thread. But let me share with you what brought me to my "boundary" where I can step back (still hurts, but I can do it).

About 10 months ago (before mom's hospital runs and such before assisted living), there was a severe storm here. Now what you have to understand that the past 5 years, since my dad's stroke (he was fairly competent then), she has tried EVERYTHING to get me to quit my job (using my best friend, husband, and job) to stay with her for her needs. So during this severe storm they issued a hurricane warning in our area (which really is unheard of). We are getting ready to go in our basement (its pitch black out). She calls me and begs me to come over and starts crying and pleading. God I've never heard her more pathetic (I had to refrain from crying myself). I said, "Mom if I leave my house, I could die. Then what good would I be? Do you really want that?" Without a flinch in her voice she screamed, "Yes!" and hung up the phone. I was devastated. (crying now as I think about it).

I vowed from that day I couldn't change her selfishness. So when she started throwing her temper tantrums about going to the hospital because she couldn't breathe (as she was yelling) she ran screaming from me into dad's arms, I just held open the front door and said, "You have a choice and I'll take you if you want to go, otherwise I'm leaving you." My husband witnessed her and heard her yelling about how she couldn't believe my husband could marry a woman like me and so forth. I held open the door for 2 minutes, and I shut the door and actually told my husband to come with me. Emotionally I didn't turn back.

Needless to say, mom survived, I had a broken heart about her behavior and even though I cry myself sick sometimes over having such a miserable mother, I try to focus on the one thing she taught me... stubbornness which I jokingly say I use for good not evil.

I still have "challenges" with her, but they have gotten somewhat easier. Do not think that I am this cold-hearted and emotionless person. My husband has watched me cry, get berated and even tried defending me. But I drew my line when she wanted me dead. The question to you guys/gals is what is your breaking line? What is your line in the sand?

I still honor her making sure her basic needs are care for with excellence and get a counselor to go to her facility even to try and help her, but I will not allow the behaviors to affect my life anymore.

Thank you Dede for calling me an icon, but my stubbornness to get past this helped me more. God has given me an innate strength that I rely on Him for. Hopefully you will each find God can provide an innate strength to deal with these challenges. With all humbleness, thank you.

If you ever need to ask question, just find my wall. All I can share is my past.

Awww. Bless your aching heart. And you the one trying to love and look after her. I'm feeling similar about my mom, too. But Dad's a different story. His Care Page I'm maintaining has attracted 45 faithful followers

Good thing caregivers everywhere are finding these boards to know they are not alone. Everyone here is a part of my daily healing. Thank you for helping me realize I am not alone.

This site has given me so much. I am sorry that the others here have gone through what I have gone through, and I wish we all had the love and compassion that all children deserved. When my mom got cancer I threw myself into her life to keep her alive because we HAD to bond. Nine years later, she still is not interested.
I prayed so hard-It was level three cancer...nine years ago. Now, she has dementia. And we will NEVER bond, I can't make her love me. So, I prayed for the wrong thing? I think so. Instead of praying to keep her alive for me, I needed to pray for what was best for all of us. I guess the moral of the story is that after all of these years, we just have to let things go. My mother explained that taking care of a baby is just keeping the orafaces clean, the belly full, and then you just ignore them until they can talk and reason with you. (Where she expected us to learn how to talk is beyond me, thank heaven for speach threapy in the public schools,) I will make sure that she is fed, safe, and clean, and I will go to the ones
that can give love to get my love. It was a hard lesson. Not everyone is going to love me. But it does not mean that I am unlovable or unloved. It just means something is missing in her brain. Some glitch. She had the best parents in the world, and she couldn't love them either. It doesn't bother her because she just doesn't know any difference. Maybe we all need to think of it as a handicap and adjust our lives accordingly, but like mitzi- It breaks your heart until the pieces are so small it just can't break anymore. Then we worry that we are cold...and gasp...unloving. But if that were the case, would we still be here? Would we still be working this hard? We need to lighten up on ourselves. Hang in, hang on and love the ones that can love you back.

My mother was the controller. She had to do everything in order to ensure it was done right. No one else could do it properly. Suffering from Alzheimer's, there are some things that she can no longer do, but she doesn't realize it. Still she insist on doing them. I just calmly go ahead and do them, talk around her while doing it. It's turned into a game for me, yet there are times I just need a break too.

Working closely with her psychiatrist has been one of the greatest assets. With the proper medication, mom's outburst and control issues have been kept to a much tolerable level, yet without depriving her of her natural self, such as it is with her worsening mental condition.

hi im a carer to my mother in law who has recently been diagnosed with having dementia..its been hard for me all these years having to cope with her terrible demanding personality and as a daughter in law feel she has done her bit of making me feel unconfident when she was young n independent...and now shes ill she is more harder to control n i feel as though sometimes im losing it...shes incontinent...she repeats everyting, shes constantly walking inside the house..demanding to eat more..her own family cant take her because its too much to handle with her

Hi Seam you are not alone, i joined last night, and couldnt beleive so many people are in the same boat as me, my story is on "End of my rope " thread where i have replied to the writer..
Its strange how all these mothers we have problems with have all been described as "always been selfish".. its like they are all cut from the same cloth. The me me me cloth..lol..

Yes, my mother has always been very self oriented. My father really fed into that as well with her. Now she demands that I think of her first. I have come to the realization that since she doesn't have a husband she doesn't want me to have one either. She always finds things for me to do to take me away from my husband when he is home. It is very hard.

You have to make choices that are her best interest for care along with your own health. You will hear time and time again that caregivers statistics of dying first before the one receiving care is high. It is high for a reason.

There is a fine line I believe in dealing with a self-absorbent, controlling, all about me parent and one having dementia or Alzheimer's. So please just be careful although believe me when I say I completely understand.

My poor husband has had to deal with a lot when it comes to my mother. I am an only child and so it makes it very difficult not to recruit my spouse to help. He has been used to try and manipulate me, insulted, yelled at, and just everything else you can imagine. When my husband's mother recently died unexpectedly, he does not want anything to do with my mother due to her lack of care for life. To be honest, I completely agree.

You have to make a choice on what's right for your situation. Venting is great to do, but in the end tough choices based on tough love must evolve. The question is, what will you do to provide for your family and your mother?

My mother is driving me crazy. My dad died a year ago and we thought after a couple of months she would find a place of her own. Unfortunately, she has no plans to move. She lives with me 2 months and then goes to my sister's for 2 months. My sister has the same issues with her. My mother is very controlling and manipulating. She lies constantlly and tells stories about me that are not true. The only thing she lives for is shopping. She expects me and my sister to take her everywhere. She never says thank you and always has something negative to say about us. My children are both grown and don't live with us anymore. I feel like I have another child, only worse. I started seeing a therapist because I feel so sad sometimes. Unfortunately, he makes it sound like I can just tell her she can't live her anymore. Well, it's not that easy because when push comes to shove she is my mother. My husband has been very patient and supportive, however, he too has had enough. I have asked her numerous times to think about what she wants to do with her life and her answer is nothing. I really don't have any answers anymore.

Kristina, sady, no one else will have answers for you either, but... you still have to make some tough choices and you will do it out of love for those involved. You may even cry while making the decisions, but they must be made either way.

My mother is narcissistic (to the 10th power), and the day she told me she wanted me dead for her own selfishness, we crossed a line. But out of our totally dysfunction history together, mom taught me one thing: stubbornness

My mom used to tell me all the time how stubborn I was. Asked my husband how he could live with a person this stubborn, etc and one day my mom was in my face about how stubborn I was and I flat out looked at her and said, "At least I use it for good, not evil."

That was my defining moment in how I'd live the rest of my life. Tough love takes stubbornness. It takes action and it takes misery while constantly pushing through what needs to be done.

Your mom gave you at least that one gift out of all that is miserable. Take it out for a ride. It gets easier with time (altho still tearful).

My counselor also told me one thing that helped me with my stubbornness for "good". He said "You can't get blood from a stone." So why continually fight? I gave my mom choices every day and she simply chose or would not choose leaving me with the decision. Tough love, it can be a __ well we get it.