My mother is narcissistic. I just discovered this a year ago after dating someone similar. It came full circle. She is 81 yrs. old frail & a raging pit bull at times. I’m an only child & the only one that sees behind the mask, except for her sister whom she can't stand. My mother has literally turned my two grown children against me. She acts as if she has done everything for them, not at all true. She brags on how she has helped everyone in the whole family in one way or another. My daughter thinks it's me and has not allowed me to see my grandchildren for the last year. She doesn't understand her dad was mentally abusive to me. I was a good mother, not perfect, but his is a nightmare. I never knew people like this existed. I want to walk away, but I don’t know how. I have turned to other family and friends, but I haven't received much help at all. They say just pray about it. We attend the same church and my mother is on the Usher Board committee. She says God tells her what to do and say. Not she but him. After reading and learning, I have questioned my own existence, have I inherited this? I know I'm an empath. I love and care for people. I'm an Aries, a leader, I have a heart and I'm creative and smart. So I get hated on just for smiling. My mother shares land with her sister who lives next door, and her sister's grown son lives with my mom. He is an alcoholic & takes advantage of my mother and dislikes me. She is controlled by him and against me. The son she never had. I can't stand him because he is manipulating her. Sometimes I say that’s what she gets. I don't have poa or executorship. She is secretive about her business affairs. Her doctors apts as well. Her manufactured home is over 49 yrs. old and badly damaged. She wants to keep patching it up and says, "I can fix it myself!” She only receives social security. Snakes, squirrels, ants, spiders etc. are taking over. I’m so scared after seeing a snake go up under the porch. She is running off electric heaters. She and nephew want to have b-day parties every July and they invite everyone. The outside of the house is terrible. I have tried to bring in Habitat, Mid Cumberland to help with home improvements, buts she says I'm not going to let them take my house and refuses to let them do any work. I live in an apt, I've even told her I will buy a new manufactured home, but I would have to live there, and that will be difficult. I thought about an RV next to her, but I would get sick of looking at the damage and she will want to use my money to fix things. It's beyond repair She now says she likes her house and no one else says anything about it but me. Mom, that’s because they need somewhere to lay their head and she looks at that as superior. Needing her. You can’t talk to her, she will not listen to anything! She starts arguments and lies, and just says everything. She tells me I'm supposed to honor her. And sometimes I feel she wants to hit me... I forget it’s the disorder. I understand it’s her home and I can’t change her. My mom is physically able & very active and for that I'm grateful but dementia is setting in and it's like her five senses are not there...Because she is a retired Headstart teacher she'll say" I have a 4.0 gpa. Sigh. My mother also allowed other family members to lean on her for years. She says I have to help family, but will not help me with my kids. Our relationship. We don't do anything as a family. It’s only us six. Trying to be the bigger person and peacemaker is draining.
I have lived in our hometown all my life. The world is so unsafe to just pick up and move & I think about my grandkids I miss them terribly. It's breaking my heart. Although, she says she loves me, her eyes are cold.Then at times she so different, and you think it's safe to help or to care. I love my Mom & my children, but they don't care about me. I just want my mom to live in a safe and secure home, so I can move on.
Your narcissistic mother (your description) lives in a decaying manufactured home with her nephew, on her sister's land, and nobody but you feels in any way motivated to change this. Have I got that right?
Honouring a parent does not mean giving up your life for them, please stop trying to be the perfect child to a woman who was never the perfect parent. Don't even think about giving up your home to enmesh yourself more deeply into this mess, you can love someone without sacrificing your life to their every selfish whim and desire.
I would get help as there is quite a history here to deal with and you may need help combing out what can be changed, and what can't. I find that often Licensed Social Workers are better than psychologists. Some do private practice in counseling and that's what you want to look at. You don't need a whole Freudian workup; you just need hints on how to change to a happier, more giving person, one that anyone would want in their lives. There's no answer to the past and what is done. There is only forward. I sure do wish you luck.
My guess is that what you really want here is to have her love you, to have her or family tell you that you are selfless and caring and appreciated. Please know that is likely unrealistic. Like Alva said, it may be time to start over. Focus on loving those who love you back. She is showing you who she is… believe her.
If both of your adult children do not speak to you and don't allow you to have a relationship with their children, the reason for this is YOU. Not your mother, not your aunt who she shares land with, and not your alcoholic cousin who lives with your mother.
I don't doubt you for one moment that your mother is a gaslighting, manipulative narcissist and bully. I don't doubt that her asinine stubbornness has been the cause of many problems of the past and will be the cause of many in the future.
That's not your fault and you can cut her out of your life if needs be. She should never have been allowed to come between you and your kids. You are the one who let that happen. Go 'Grey Rock' with her. Let her home crumble to the ground and don't help her. She wants your useless, freeloading, alcoholic cousin living with her. That's fine. Leave them to it. Let him be responsible for her.
As for being a retired Headstart teacher. OMG! LOL! Headstart is basically a daycare where poor parents can being their kids. I had a summer job when I was 15 years old as a Headstart "teacher". They're not real teachers. They're daycare workers for kids.
Your only priority should be making amends to your children and re-establishing a relationship with them. Not with your mother and not even your grandkids right now. With your own children.
Start being honest with yourself. If this is hard for you try going to therapy. You're not going to have the family you want. I spent years trying to turn my family into the one I wanted. It can't be done, but you have a chance to make a good family with your kids and grandkids.
So take it.
Forget about your mother's crap and your other relatives because you will get nowhere with them.
Your priority should be rebuilding a relationship with your kids and yourself. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.
Focus on yourself and building a life for you. If your kids are taking sides, it's nothing you can do about it. It's funny how the one who tried to hold things together is the one being pounded into the ground. You raised these kids, so there isn't much you can do about them. Hopefully, in time they will see things from a different perspective. I wouldn't wait around for it though. Live your life. I wish someone would have told me this twenty years ago.
Live your life one day at a time.