Would you care for mom-in-law after split?

You do not say how long she has had this ALZ and that might be the cause of the abuse. When my mama and daddy had ALZ they were the worst. To them I was bad. I loved them deeply and even though my mama did not live long with ALZ my daddy did. He treated my like dirt, called me names, cursed at me. He resigned to me before he got bad and he depended on me. We had good days and bad days. I never had a MIL but I'm reading your story and it seems that on top your grrr not gonna do it but inside you don't want to see your ex struggle. Majority of these posts state to "run". Think of how you feel deep down you have helped before, you don't want your ex to struggle, you have cut ties with your MIL a long time ago. Do you have time to give? Do you have the support your ex will need to put MIL in a home? Are you trying to get the sister more involved with you stepping back? Does you ex know about this website so she can read and be supported by experiences shared here?

I think you've already answered your question. You say you don't want to do it.

If you think caring for the mother will assuage your feelings of guilt, it won't.
You say you feel a little guilty wanting to separate while your partner is struggling with the care of her mother. There is never a "good" time to dissolve a relationship. Her struggles with her mother's care have nothing to do with you.

If you step in to provide care out of guilt, I can see a whole lot of potential for anger and resentment to build to an explosive level, not only for you, but everyone involved.

This is not your problem to resolve.

Do not help her mother. Caring for her own mother is more than she can handle. She needs to find a real solution for her mother. One where she is cared for properly, most likely by paid caregivers.
If it is important for you to show her support, help her find caregivers or other solutions for her mother but re-iterate that you are not the solution.

Yes, I did care for my MIL after the divorce. However she was a real sweetie, I loved her dearly, and my second husband also loved her and was happy to have her stay on the farm with us for several weeks after she came out of a hospital stay.

That’s not where you are at. Your (ex)wife’s ‘overwhelming’ situation after firing a carer sounds like one of those things that can be expected, and will probably happen again, not a genuine emergency. MIL doesn’t sound like ‘a real sweetie’, and your view is that MIL mistreated you.

If you want to split, get on with it, and be resented for not helping. If you aren’t sure about splitting, do the care, get the thanks, and tie yourself more closely into W and MIL and their issues. It’s your choice.

Jumping in here with a decisive "don't do it"! You have said you want to split right now. What if you find someone else you are interested in? Are they supposed to share you with the ex partner and the ex partner's mother?? You know the right decision, you just want us to validate for you . It's been validated. Don't do it and go on your way.

Hello,
You are right to think deeply on this huge request from your ex.

I thought I’d add one more idea to this thread. It isn’t about the MiL, or the partner, but more about YOU and your personal nature.

I would be willing to bet that you’re a caregiver by nature, (NOT just Alz or physical caretaking) that you’re very empathetic and always jump in to help solve problems in the relationships you have. (Think work, friendships.)

I know I said I wasn’t commenting on your relationship with your partner BUT were you the problem solver for your ex? Did she rely on you when she was stressed out? Did you previously pick up the pieces in the relationship, smooth out and make things work. I’m wondering if the established dynamic of the relationship is being enacted by your ex.

People who are natural care takers and ’fixers’ for those they care about often feel guilt in saying no to others’ request for help. Even if it’s felt as a totally irrational feeling by those who aren’t problem solvers for others. A person with a caregiver nature oftentimes has to intentionally learn to set appropriate boundaries for themselves. I’m willing to bet many people here could attest to that, after being in the trenches as ALZ caregivers. It’s TRUE that a person has to take care of themselves first -emotionally, mentally, physically- in order to be a healthy caretaker of another person.

I see that you recently entered one of the most stressful life situations (break up with life partner) and my question to you is, ‘how is your emotional health doing at this huge time of change.’ I encourage you to take the step back from these people like you intended to when you separated. Things haven’t changed over there. From my point of view, your ex hasn’t changed and I’m sure your MiL hasn’t.

It seems to me that you were asking for change with this separation.

Are your needs being met? (Red flag answer: NO, seeing as the ex asked you to return to a situation that was not good for you.) Are you prioritizing taking care of yourself? Are you ready to be sucked back into the same relationship again?

The situation of dealing with the decline, care decisions, and actual hands on care of a parent or loved one is immense and crushing at times. Are you in a position-emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, logistically- to take on this full time role for your ex? It seems clear to me the guilt you’re feeling isn’t over the feelings of the MiL.

Are you feeling guilt that you’re not fulfilling your previous responsibilities to your ex?

You are not responsible for your ex’s worry, anxiety, stress, or lack of time or energy. Your ex needs to step up and take care of herself and her life…isn’t that what a separation is about? Is THIS how the ex is handling her problems…asking you to fix it. Is that the relationship you want to be in, further, is THAT the relationship you want to be stuck in—fixing for the ex and caretaking the MiL? (Your answer was a definite NO in the original post)

It seems to me that you asked for space, but the ex came right back trampling over your request.

MAYBE I’m totally off here. ?? Feel free till take what you can use from my thoughts and disregard all that don’t help you. Only you can decide what is good for your life and the life you want to have.

Does your ex’s request fit into the life you’re working towards??

My advice:
Do not take on this massive responsibility TO your ex.

Best of luck in your healing and reflection process! Glad you’re here and so grateful for this community.

I’m back, to offer perspective. Yes, I would care for my MiL. BUT I love her dearly!! She is a good human, a mentor to me in being a parent, supports me as a spouse to her child, supported us as parents to grow into our own style. She loves and cared for our kids when they were young (the way we preferred, not any type of ‘this is how you’re supposed to do it’ baloney.) She has been integral in all our lives and continues to be so.
We would gladly take her into our home if it was the best care for her (we actually tried when they started to decline in old age, but they refused to move.)
We would take her (both of them actually, my spouse’s mom and dad) because we would want to, because it would be the best option for them, because we are in a position and capable to do so.
NOT out of guilt, despair for them, or duty and responsibility.

The dynamic is completely different. Your hesitation is completely VALID!! Respect your intuition, respect your feelings, respect your right to be safe.

If I were to apply this same criteria to myself and my family situation, the answer would still be yes.

Is the answer in your situation still only a ‘maybe?’

maybe = no

You could be helpful by directing your ex to the local senior services department in your city. They are extremely helpful (this is why the exist, you’re not the first people to face the problem of how to care for a parent.)

May you find peace and healing!

If you decide to help, be very specific about
how long you will help,
the types of help you will provide,
what you are not going to do,

When the time comes to get out of this situation,
be kind with your words,
be firm that you are no longer available.

January question.
The OP has not responded to us.

Alva,

So many of these questions are clicked on and answered when the OP hasn’t ever been active.

I think the topic catches a poster’s eye and then they respond to it without looking at the date.

Five months later after this was asked and answered, and still a big no, I’m not taking care of her 😜

OP never responded. I think the question needs to be closed to replies. I reported.