I just placed wife in memory care yesterday-she refused to take meds or would fail to take them, has escaped house once and picked up by police and taken to pysch ward. I am very depressed and keep thinking I made a mistake. Neurologist will not see her because she will not consistently take meds. Anyone have any alternatives? I am approaching 90 and have been told that I can't help her anymore. Thanks in advance; I cannot afford 24 hr homecare.
I know the feeling VERY well because I was in your shoes 3 years ago when I had to put my husband in an MC facility. In there, he too refused to take meds or eat. My life was turned upside down; I was depressed and lost sleep and appetite. After 2 months and $30,000 poorer, I took him home with caregivers while I was at work. That is still the arrangement for me. Admittedly, it has been very stressful to care for him at home but overall I am happier to care for him the way I want him to be cared for. It is much cheaper too.
Of course, I am not 90. Your age limits what you can do for her. Since you have the money to put your wife in a Memory Care, why not use that money to hire caregivers at home. You can keep an eye on her to make sure she is well-cared for. If you outlived her, at least you know that she went to heaven with you by her side and not alone in a strange facility.
A warning: I knew when I was caring for my husband that it was extremely stressful on me emotionally, but I had no idea how badly it affected me physically as well. Be prepared for this. I was completely exhausted and unable to do anything. My children were very concerned about their father, but I think were unaware of what was happening to me.
Helpful ideas? One daughter made a scrapbook of our family visits, and he loved it, so I copied her idea with one of my spouse's and my trips abroad. Not only does he enjoy looking at it, but it made me feel good that I had done something for him! As for my own recovery, I found doing something I enjoy (crosswords, Sudoku, playing the piano—badly) helped a great deal.
All this is to say that you should NOT feel guilty, that no matter how difficult your circumstances, it will take time to get over it, but you will realize that you did the right thing.
My mother is in memory care. She has medication management, bathing, dressing, meals, laundry, doctors visits, nursing care, activities, and her own room with her own belongings.
I am so sorry you had to make this hard choice. Know that she may be angry and lash out but don’t take it personally (easier said than done!). I’m sure you miss her and have doubts and are second guessing yourself. Those are normal feelings to have. Perhaps contact one of memory care agencies and join a telephone support group. I wish you all the best and hope you find some peace with your decision.
Of course you are feeling bad about her no longer being in the home. Try to look at it from another perspective. When she wandered off, she was found alive and taken to a safe place. All of the stories about dementia/wandering do not end well. Her life was spared so that you would have more time with her even if it is not the exact way you wanted it to be. She is in a place where they will manage the meds and handle daily tasks that you were doing. At 90 years young, you can now spend more time maintaining your own health and mobility.
Eventually, I hope you find comfort in knowing that you tried your best for as long as you could. Some things in our life are beyond our control and your wife's health and well being happened to be more than you could handle any longer. Love her and be a peace with placing her with the professionals.
many prayers and Blessings to you!!
Remind yourself that you have made this move to keep your wife safe.
Try to find some peace and take care of yourself.
Prayers for you.
Yes, now you are lonely and depressed. You may need to see a psych or mental health counselor to help you through the early stages of this.
Although I am about 25 years younger than you, I have had to place my wife in either rehab or long term care for almost 30 out of the past 36 months,
She is home now, but I am much more depressed with her home. She is demanding and unappreciative both part of her narcissistic behavior. Her memory is in bad shape even though she is only 60 Y/O. I can tell her something this morning by afternoon she will not remember it. She then starts crying because things don't go her way.
I have to use a Hoyer lift to transfer her from bed to wheel chair and back. Those are the only transfers she does at home. However yesterday she wanted me to rinse her hair in the shower. This ten minutes after placing her in the wheel chair. When I told her I couldn't do that she wanted to know why. I can't get her in the shower. She says she can step into the shower . What? You can't stand to get into the wheel chair but you can stand to get in the shower. Of course she can't but she had forgotten already how she had been placed into her wheelchair,
I struggle to miss much sleep, no daytime naps even after not getting much sleep the night before, at 66 Y/O. (Note We have a 17 Y/O learning disabled son at home for his last year of high school) I don't know how you did it at 90.
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Yes, you did the right thing. Now take care of yourself and get yourself some help.
I think she would feel safe and lived being in her own home in a place that is familiar to her.
I would bring her home because she will be lonely and deteriote fast put in a home.
I think ya'll would both be happier together.
If she doesn't want to take her meds, don't worry about it.
Yiu can remind her to take them, that's all you can do.
In fact, most Seniors take way too many medications anyway.
Wouldnt you rather live out the rest of your life in your own home?
Bring her back home
It took a little adjustment, but now she appreciates the regular human contact she gets, 3 yummy meals a day, and her own cute, well decorated "apartment". The consistency in bathing, sleeping and nutrition - and a reduction in size/obligations environment - has really helped her to have peace.
I share this because even as a very vigorous-aged daughter I could not keep up with the wackiness and the needs Mom's declining condition demanded.
You did the right thing by giving her the dignity of having staff to do the mundane, while you can visit daily and call her Queen (I tell my Mom that and she loves it!)
Queen in her own "hotel". Yesterday she said she was happy and content with her new situation. A welcome outcome for me as I hope will be for you both too!
I’m so glad you realize that you have done all that you could and are now accepting much needed help for your wife.
You have not abandoned her. You are looking out for her by utilizing care from medical professionals.
Take care of yourself. She would want you to do so.
Realizing that she is not safe at home and you can not care for her as well as you would like and finding a safe place for her is honoring the vows you pledged to each other.
Don't question a decision made with love and the best intentions.
the mistake would be to keep her at home and have her wander off and not get found until it was to late
As another poster said, you are now free to just love her more and worry about her safety less.
Memory care is a wonderful thing, and my dad would be so pleased to see how much better my mother is doing with professionals to care for her. He, too, did his very best for her, but a familiar face also made it easy for Mom to grump at him, not take her medications, and sleep away the days. Now she's much more stable because she gets her medication and lots of stimulation each day.
Lots of spouses visit at my mother's place, so you'll find friends with common concerns there, too.