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It's a question of priorities. My sister who lived out of town - and was employed full time - managed to visit more than the two unemployed (by choice) brothers who lived 20 minutes away. They had more excuses but it really came down to how they wished to spend their time.

Here are some ideas as the pandemic winds down: If you belong to a church, perhaps you could let your minister know your father would appreciate visitors. If your brother is married and has children, you could let his wife and kids know how much grandpa would appreciate a visit. Perhaps you could set up something fun that everyone can do like Board Game Night unless you think that might be overwhelming to your father. With warmer weather, you can take your father out - maybe meet up with your brother for a walk or eat in a restaurant if they are open and you believe the risk to be low. Does your father have friends that live reasonably close? Perhaps you can facilitate a meet up? Offer to drive or meet at a mid-point. Ask if they'd like to zoom? Invite them to lunch?

I contracted with an organization called Seniors Helping Seniors to find men to spend time with my father as he had females helping him all the time and he missed his male friends who had passed away. The guys that came were nice and friendly enough but closer to my age and not creative in finding things they could do together. Same problem as with my brothers.
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Some people are just not as tolerant, patient, or strong enough to handle the responsibility. I had a device placed in my spouse's room so family and friends can communicate with her. My son has come to see her, and has Facetime'd with her, but otherwise. Actual visitations have been awkward since COVID-19 landed last March. I could not physically be in the same room with her for over a year. The device that I got for her is like a digital picture frame and works great. Part of the problem is that she has a day full of activities which are posted on a printed schedule, and she has routine lunch times. Family that have tried to reach out have called at odd times, more convenient for themselves than my wife.
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"Why does my brother not come see my dad?"

That really is a question for your brother. Although many of us have similar experiences, the reasoning behind this is different for each person. If possible, call or visit with him and ask nicely if he is afraid or upset by seeing your once healthy dad like this. Ask if he would try a short visit with you there. If he really can't muster up enough to make the visit, encourage him to make contact in other ways. If dad can take phone calls or video chats, arrange that.

For us, it was my mother. The funniest part is neither brother had a clue about dementia or the cost of care. After the first place we checked out, BOTH immediately said "Gee, for that kind of money, I'd take her in!" Riiiight. OB isn't local, YB is. OB came up for checking out places and stayed with mom while he was here for a few days. When it came time to move her, I stayed out of it, requesting THEY do the move (I had done all the arranging and wanted no part in the move, expecting to get all the blame anyway.) She managed to "bruise" her leg and develop cellulitis just before the move. OB had to deal with that when he came up and stayed the few days before. The injury delayed the move and YB used it to draft a fib letter from 'Elder Services' instructing her to go where we choose or they will place her. She had been refusing to move anywhere. This was just enough to get it done! So, OB came up a few times to assist with the condo and during his last visit, we went together the evening he arrived. All was good (I busied myself to give them time together.) If you could have seen her reaction when she saw him!!! So, one morning I suggested he pick up DD coffee/donuts and visit while I get ready, since he wasn't local this might be his last chance. Maybe 15-20m at best. No comment from him. When we had some down time later, I suggested he visit again. He refused, stating he "didn't know what to do with her." THIS from someone who would have her 24/7, with no help from us??? HAH! It was pretty clear he just couldn't handle it and refused to even try. So she repeats herself. So she might ramble. Just BE there!
YB initially would sometimes join us for the special occasions they had for holidays, mom's birthday, BBQ for all, etc., but it was like pulling elephant teeth just to get a response from him. I finally stopped asking. I had enough to do without chasing after a grown man (boy) who is 10 years younger than I!

"It is incredibly heartbreaking for my dad!"

I can imagine it is. Countless times she would ask me if I'd seen or talked to one or the other brother. I could only say not recently. Eventually she stopped asking. Out of sight, out of mind... Even though she was living life about 40 years ago, we were all adults by then, so she remembered me, knew who I was and so long as the conversation could be pushed along, to get out of the repetitive ruts, it was nice to visit. Those two have to live with not being there for her. Will they regret? Who knows. I really don't care. For various reasons, including more or less abandoning their mother, once all the paperwork is done, I am finished with them. The verbal and physical abuse was bad enough, along with ZERO emotional support, but to just forget your mother is inexcusable. I don't need them in my life.

"Why does it hurt me so bad?"

Probably because you can see how much it hurts your dad. If you can get some kind of answer from your brother, it might help you let this go. No guilt laid on him when you ask, just let him know you want to understand and encourage him to try a visit with you there or make contact without visits. If he isn't willing, then try to let it go. With dad, you can try making excuses for your brother (work, too far, etc.) Pass it off saying you'll ask him later or just change the subject, if possible.

The best you can do for now is just continue to be there for dad! Even if/when he forgets who you are, a kind person coming to visit is good.
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Send your brother a copy of Owen Darnell’s “Do Not Ask Me to Remember” poem. It pretty much says it all. It’s about just being there- caring! Our LO don’t come with directions or instructions for elderly care or how to handle the massive changes dementia and Alzheimer’s bring. He needs to show some grace and love- he can muster both if he decides to! Good luck and God bless you. None of this is easy.
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It is heartbreaking. I have 2 brothers that have not visited my mom for many years. One lives 30 minutes away and hasn't visited since around 2008 and the other brother who lives several hour away hasn't seen her since 2004, he never has the money to make the trip! I have to let it go even though it bothers me and breaks my heart for my mom. Some things we will never know the answers to, we just have to do the best we can for them.
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Concerned one,
Everyone in your family system is suffering. Your father, you and your brother. Our culture doesn’t teach people how to deal with suffering, partially due to the decreasing level of spirituality in our nation. Suffering is a part of life, spirituality affirms this and gives us the ability to hold space for another who suffers while we learn to endure, release and transcend suffering ourselves.
Males, generally speaking do not know how to handle deep feelings of pain as it breaks the cultural commandment: “Don’t be weak.” So they avoid it and the anxiety that comes with it. For most males, breaking down and crying feels like dying and they won’t face it.

The other item is that we don’t know what to say or how to say it which creates more anxiety. Males have to “do” something and don’t know how to simply “be” with someone.

See if you can get your brother to do a phone call. Maybe you can arrange a time to be with your father to get your brother to call. Or perhaps he could send a card? Drop one by his house, have him write a note in it and deliver it for him.

Don’t take your brother’s resistance personally. It’s not about you or your father (unless there was a major conflict in the past). It’s your brother’s problem.

My thoughts and Prayers are with you.
From the perspective of a pastor and a clinical therapist.
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Dosmo13 Apr 2021
Glad you expressed some compassion for brother. It's not just males who have trouble visiting elders.
I visited my father less then I should have when he was in a nursing home, unable to do much for himself. He was angry...a proud ex-military officer being helped in the bathroom by women, being told when and what to eat, unable to walk, hear or see well enough to even read. It would have been better (maybe) if he was disoriented or confused, but he know where he was and why.
He complained to me and and felt that, as an RN, I should be able to make things better. Even if I was not a health care worker, I should help him as his daughter. I wanted to, but I could NOT think of a way to make things better. My presence didn't seem to help. I apologized to his nurses for his anger, but felt terrible for him. I ended up often staying away. A niece was with him when he died. I would have been, but did not know his condition and have always felt guilty for letting him down.
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Being let down and then watching someone you love be let down is just that ...heart breaking - for me I don’t know if I will ever be able to explain in words what it is like seeing a parent realize one of their kids just isn’t going to come. It also hurts because of who I am inside and where I hold my values. I do think people handle things differently and if you haven’t tried talking to him about going with him and getting him comfortable etc if you think it could be the reason its worth asking and talking to him about. But I have also learned (and it took me a year and a half) to stop watching the door - my sister will never be to me or mom what we were to her. It hurts like heck and I’m not sure I will ever be who I was before knowing this - doesn’t mean i am a worse version of myself but my sister not making time for mom for sure changed me as I thought of my family in a different way.
I do hope maybe for you he is just nervous or scared and you can help him with that - wishing you and your dad to be surround by love - and the gift of time - we all deserve that from each other
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Imho, do not attempt to control the actions of your brother as to why he doesn't visit your dad. Concentrate on your STELLAR self and what a wonderful job that you are doing.
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loveadey Apr 2021
I do the same. It’s just creating a stressful situation except getting upset what could other siblings are willing to do.
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Wow! 38 answers so far, and most of them examples of similar behavior. You are obviously not alone!

Of the 7 of us, my 3 sisters and I visited Ma regularly and coordinated our visits so she wouldn't go a day without a visit. The oldest son lived the farthest away and also was dealing with treatments for throat cancer. He came once in a while, with his wife. The next son had bi-polar disorder and often had conflicts with the staff because he didn't think they were treating Ma right. Us girls kept smoothing things over for him because we knew his heart was in the right place and he was very devoted to Mother. The youngest son? I believe he and his wife only came when us girls arranged a celebration for Ma, such as for her birthday. Why? His "reason" was always his young family. His daughter had an important softball game. He promised to take the twins swimming. It was his turn for carpool duty for the youngest's after-school activities. But surely in the 5 or 6 year period we are talking about there were SOME times he could have visited. And he didn't. I still love him but sometimes I don't like him very much.
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When my father went on hospice, my brother moved back to be with him and our mom more. He rarely showed up. Even when dad died, he showed up at the nursing home and only stayed a short time. He wanted to get with me but never did.

My brother is emotionally disturbed and suffers from severe/terminal depression and takes no responsibility for his actions. He does or tries to do "good works" for others. So who knows why he can't follow up on his promises, but it is his problem and not mine.

Shortly after dad died he moved away suddenly. He sporadically keeps in contact with mom.

These are your brother's actions and there is nothing you can do about it. Don't tell your dad that brother is planning to visit then he won't be disappointed. If he does show up, what a happy surprise. It hurts because he's family and you feel it hurts your father. You can do only what you can do. Keep the lines of communication with your brother open. Forgive him his failings and continue to forgive it may take the sting out of your hurt.
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I would ask him why. Is it because of Covid? Ie, does the facility require immunization and he hasn't had the vaccine or doesn't want the vaccine. Is he uncomfortable seeing your father in his state? Or is it just the facility that puts him on edge? There can be many reasons, people don't visit nursing homes. As long as it's not the vaccination thing, I would suggest going with him on the first visit. Make sure that there is some structure for your brother to follow. I discovered, that my mom enjoyed playing dominoes; the set was color-coded so counting wasn't necessary and she was able to play. Maybe they could play dominoes. If that isn't possible, have a couple DVDs of favorite shows handy or a book or two that could be read aloud. I always kept book of jokes handy. Dad loved history; mom loved me to read all about the actors of the Golden Age of Hollywood. If not just suggest bringing a small treat; fudge is easy to eat. I used to bring soup to mom which she enjoyed or a frappe. When weather allows, sitting outdoors can be a change of pace; wheeling dad around outside can be enjoyable. You may accompany your brother a couple times. After that, it's up to him. I have a sister who never visited. She just didn't care and I couldn't change her attitude about it. Sadly, her narcissistic approach to life was immovable. Hopefully, your brother will come around.
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Ask him why he has not gone yet. Let him know after a year of no family, dad would appreciate the visit. If he hems/haws his way around an answer, offer up some info - I understand it is hard to see dad get older/in his condition/in a facility, however this situation is the life that dad has left. I would like it if you went to see him. After that, if he doesn't show - he just doesn't show. You can't make him.

You are hurt because you see it as someone not feeling the same about dad as you do. Your dad hurts, so you hurt. You are just being a compassionate human being. As long as you continue to go, that is the best you can do. You can hope for more, but as long as you know you have given dad what you think he needs, that's all you can do. No one can ask more of you.
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I have another perspective. I had a once-dear friend - I considered her the sister I never had at one point - who had progressive MS and died far too young, after countless years of degeneration, physically and mentally. She started manifesting severe personality changes and treated me progressively horribly, until I finally did not pursue the friendship anymore. She was finally in a nursing home, confused and ill, and I kept telling myself to visit her, no matter what she'd done to me, and I did pray for her regularly, but I didn't go. Part of the time, I had no transportation, but the other part of the time, I knew part of her large family and friends did go, and I didn't know what I'd say to her in any event. In addition, I was being ridden like a pony by my 3 abusive bosses (1 right after another, as the organization itself is dysfunctional and I couldn't afford to quit pre-Obama care), and I honestly didn't think it wise or healthy for me to put myself in what I knew would be an extremely stressful situation that I couldn't materially improve. I was told she mostly lay there and didn't talk, because she lost her voice at the end. I still feel guilty and selfish about this - I went to her memorial, but of course, she was gone by then, so how did that help her? As a Christian, I have to forgive myself, but I find I still need occasionally to re-forgive my neglect of someone who was once a close friend. Your brother may have conflicted feelings as I did.
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I feel for you.  My brother leaves me to deal with everything related to mom and only visits her when I am hosting something and he has nothing better to do.  He is self absorbed and weak, so I expect it from him.   If there is one thing I have learned over the last ten years in dealing with moms dementia, I can't control anyone's behavior but my own.  Try to get there mentally...it's a lot more peaceful.
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Who is the eldest child?
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clavecin Apr 2021
I had the same situation with our youngest brother....to the point that mom disinherited him. She passed and now he is suing estate because he sees money!
My theory is that the baby of the family is rarely asked by parents to watch "your sibblings while mom or dad go run an errand." Thus they never develop that instinct to care for someone else outside of their immediate nuclear family, wife and own children. Personal character also contributes to lack of empathy. You cant change him now.
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It may hurt but I think that it would be better all around to look at what your dad has rather than what he doesn’t.

He has your love and I bet that he doesn’t take it for granted. I am sure that he cherishes your affection.

Please stop taking on your brother’s issues. How is that helping anyone? It is counterproductive. It is robbing you of feeling special when you are with your precious dad. Start focusing on the two of you instead of your brother.

Your brother is NOT going to change. You can’t wish for it to happen. You can’t shame him into it. You can’t force him, nor can you cry, beg or plead for him to change.

Try with all your might to let it go.

Live your life. He isn’t stopping you from doing exactly as you wish.

Right or wrong? Good or bad? Wise or foolish? He’s made his choice, which doesn’t include your father. Sad? You bet!

You can choose to be at peace by accepting what you can’t change or you can make yourself miserable by not accepting it. What do you think is best for you and your dad?

Live your life. Forget about how your brother lives his. He may have issues that you aren’t even aware of.
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I've already commented but wanted to add something.  Obviously this is a sore subject with me.  If everyone decided they didn't want to deal with the unpleasantries of dementia, aging, dying and all that entails, no one would ever take care of anyone.  Does my brother think that I want to have to take off from my job week after week to run mom back and forth to doctors appointments or that after I do all of my familys laundry, I have to search moms apartment for her dirty things that she has hidden and then haul them to my house to launder, take them back and put them away.  After I have worked all day, call her to check on her only to feel guilty that I don't have the time or energy to visit .  To pay her bills every month and fret over what we are going to do when she runs out of money..  And the mental part of dealing with a parent or spouse who is not who they once were and are dying before your very eyes...No one wants to do any of these things.  They are stressful and time consuming and depressing, but someone has to do them.  You've heard the expression many hands make light work.  Well, there aren't many hands when the other sibling decides they don't want to deal with any of this.  All of us don't have the luxury of politely declining or just not showing up.  You just have to come to terms with the fact that you are there for your father and that has to be enough...for both of you.
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