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I must have knee replacement surgery in the next few months and am sole caregiver for my 87-year-old husband with dementia. He is incapable of caring for himself, let alone caring for me for the 3-4 week period that I will be incapacitated. I don't even know where to begin getting help.

I think that others are correct. Your husband will need to be in care, or this is not possible. You, yourself, are going to need, as a caregiver, to be exceptionally careful not to take on care again until ready willing and able, and I would plead with your surgeon to do all he/she can do to get YOU into rehab care for a few weeks. This is going to help enormously. Remember, doing too much too soon can dislocate this surgery before all the muscles and tendons can adapt. Doing so could lead to your being immobile. THIS would lead to permanent placement for hubby at the least, and perhaps for you both.
You are going to need good coordination between surgeon and social workers and rehab/PT/OT, so WARN the doc this isn't a matter of your coming in the morning and leaving at noon.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I would set up Respite Care in a local facility.
If you do that you can take the time you need to rehab either at home or in a rehab facility.
Ask your doctor how long he/she anticipates you being "out of commission". If he says 3 weeks, schedule the Respite Stay for 4 weeks. That gives you some time to adjust to life with your new knee without having to do all that you do for him. Make sure the doctor is fully aware that you are a caregiver and what you do day to day.
If you do not have anything in writing get signed confirmation from your husbands doctor stating that he has to have 24/7 care and can not be left alone. Since it is a medical necessity it might be possible that the cost of his Respite stay could be taken off taxes as a medical expense.
If your husband is on Hospice (or eligible for Hospice) Medicare, Medicaid and other insurance will cover the cost of a Respite stay. Typically about a week but exceptions have been made in some cases.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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OliveBalla Aug 17, 2024
Thank you for your response. I am hoping his son can pitch in, but want to make sure my ducks are in a row just in case.
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Respite care. Depending on his severity of dementia, start searching in ALs and MCs. See if your county social services offers any stipend $ to help
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Reply to MACinCT
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OliveBalla Aug 17, 2024
Thank you for the social services tip. I will follow up on that.
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one point - you do not mention how much work is involved with taking care of your husband, but if you are spending long hours and physical work including helping him up and down, prevent falls, - then, are you sure you will fully be able to start the caregiving up again in 3-4 weeks? From family members I have seen, knee replacements are tough and its sometimes months before they say their knee is strong again.....
just saying that you may want to be careful and estimate a longer time. others on here who have had knee replacements may comment?
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Reply to strugglinson
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Southernwaver Aug 17, 2024
I’m not sure where she got 3-4 weeks. That is not true. It’s a very major surgery and patients are down at least 6 weeks and upwards of 12 weeks for some people. She is also assuming she will have no post op complications which are somewhat common like needing a knee drained. Etc. (but I’m sure she is overwhelmed and trying in her head to fast track her downtime since she doesn’t know what to do with him while her needs have to be met).

The pain is intense and is the worst pain hands down I have ever experienced. It was worth it though. She will not be able to care for him at all during this time.

She will have to go to physical therapy for 3 months and she will need someone to drive her there for the first 6 weeks. She can’t skip physical therapy— my mom did and she is as bad off a year later as she was before her surgery. The patient cannot skimp on the recovery period or bad things will happen.

Recovery is one year.
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You will be incapacitated for 6-8 weeks. Recovery time is one year.
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OliveBalla Aug 17, 2024
Thank you for the response. Not loving the idea, but it's good to know what I'm dealing with.
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Your husband will need to go into an AL facility. You may also need to go into a facility temporarily while you recuperate.
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OliveBalla Aug 17, 2024
I'm grateful for your response...dreading this for sure, but the pain in my knee is to the point I can barely function. Hoping it all goes well.
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