Our neighbor’s son calls me at 10:00 pm on Tuesday night. Saying their dad is driving to go to a doctor’s appointment almost 3 hours away, but his appointment was for the next day at 1:30 pm. He was calling because he was lost and confused about where he was and he ran into a ditch. He swore it was Wednesday morning at 10am but it was Tuesday night, 10pm. He was not injured. We were able to find him, but he was confused and angry. He has a habit of outbursts and was screaming about cars stopping at red lights.
He has been more and more confused over the years. I told his family to get a POA back in August and they are so lost with dementia… zero understanding of it and what to do.
I suggested for him to see a doctor in August (his anger gets so bad out of nowhere) but nice and confused most of the others times. Him driving scares me.
I have worked with person with dementia as a CNA. I did my shift and that was all. My MIL has it, but she is sweet, 96 and in a nursing home.
What is there first steps to tell the family to do? They come up to see him 2 times a month to pay his bills, but have a hard time getting him to understand.
They are asking me for advice. And I am not sure what to do first. I think take his license and get the POA. The appointment with the attorney for the POA is next month. They just scheduled that app.
What can I suggest? Thank you in advance.
The police should have been called to find dad in the ditch. Can you see that by rescuing him, you effectively stopped the first step towards placement?
EMTs would have been called and he would have been taken to the ER to be checked out. It would have been noticed that he was confused and agitated. Social services may well have stepped in to explain to family that he can no longer live alone, let alone drive.
Next time, call the police.
The man has no business driving and may just kill someone because his son is a damn fool.
Tell son he needs to get his a** to his dad's house and get dad the help he needs.
Stop enabling the son. This is well past getting a POA. Dad needs to be in a facility.
And everything Lea said below too!
Next, remove yourself from the situation.
It is not your responsibility to take this on. The police should have been called asap! Get APS involved and report a senior on the loose driving with dementia. This man is having a tantrum because people are stopping at red lights. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO STOP AT RED LIGHTS! (Shaking my head) It is not denial on the family's part. The family knows what is going on. They are passing the buck to you. You are a caregiver when you are on a paid assignment. You are not being paid to babysit a neighbor all hours of the night. You are being used by this family.
And if you see him in his car call 911 and report his driving as unsafe, giving them his name, address and license #. Call every and any time you see him driving.
You are a compassionate person for helping him and a wise one for coming here for objective advice. You didn't do anything wrong... we're just trying to show you that his needs are way beyond what you can/should help with, and that you're not in any way responsible for him. The best way for you to help now is to not help at all.
When my in-laws were imploding, they lived in a quad home in a HoA community. I did ask one very sweet neighbor and her husband for favors like bring in their mail and newspaper in the winter, and let me know if they were going to the grocery store and be willing to pick up an item or 2 for them (I gave them a pre-paid GC to the grocery store that they could use themselves as a thank you). I paid for their newspaper subscription also as a thank you. Mostly I wanted to know if they saw anything out of place with my inlaws and to call me immediately (we lived 6 miles from them but had our own business and 3 kids in school plus my own elderly Mom). This was while I was working on a permanent solution for them -- this neighbor was NOT the long-term solution, ever.
Bless you for being willing!
I'm speaking as an in-home caregiver. Many families and even the senior neighbor themselves will try to take advantage and responsibility on us if they know one of my kind is living next door. Many think this means we're available because that's our 'job'.
I've got a neighbor like that now. There's an old woman with dementia who lives with her daughter and family. She's in the house on her own when they go to work and school.
The daughter expected me to babysit her mother on the days I work from home because I'm in that "business". She sent mom over to my place, locked up her house and left for work.
I put her mother in my car and dropped her off at her daughter's work. I told her daughter if she wants to use my company for homecare services, call the office. If she ever sends her mother over to my house again, I'll call the police.
She put her mother in daycare and has a homecare agency (not mine because I don't offer neighbor discounts) the rest of the time.
Seems like you have given the family info they need and suggested his keys be taken away, which they refuse to do. You call APS tomorrow. Then you back away. You tell his family you will not be involved anymore. That you will call the police if Dad drives his car. You will call the police if he comes to your house confused and belligerent. You also will not go looking for Dad again, thats when they call the police. They can call the police for well checks. Its time for the family to realize that Dad can no longer live on his own. If they have to go looking for Dad a few times, hopefully they will realize that he needs help. If they do not want to care for him then he needs to be placed.
Being a good neighbor only goes so far. When that neighbor can no longer care for themselves, its time fot the family or the authorities to step in.
I told this person to stay out of this and to report to APS or other authorities.
I am not sure where that's coming from?
I wouldn't tell anyone to enter anyone elses home for keys or anything else, that I can think of. I don't think????
You could report any concern for a neighbour for a welfare check. If you notice anything unsual eg mail piling up, bins not out on bin night or home dark when usually lit. Either do a welfare check yourself, (phone call or a knock at the door IF you feel comfortable to do so) or report to your local authority.
Stepping from concerned neighbour to more is fraught with problems.
Do not take responsobility on where you hold no responsibility.
I would advise the son to obtain his own local advice. For him to speak to his local Area of Aging, maybe ask about a Social Worker service, someone experienced with elders. It may be beyond his experience &/or capabilities.. if so, then he needs to alert others to help. By others I mean professionals services, people trained in this area who have the power to arrange paperwork, legal matters & take action.
Sometimes APS becomes necessary. As a resource. Family can call & report an elder at risk. You could also call APS yourself.
PS Obviously also calling EMS or 911 if a neighbour is injured or unwell.
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