What do you do when you start becoming resentful for having your mom in your home?

I'm sorry that all this seemed to happen at once. You need to not stress due to your health & have time for yourself & your family. To me there are four basic choices. Sell her home if needed to provide for whatever is necessary for her. Speak with husband & mom about the choices & get their input. 1)Have mom stay in her house with round the clock care-live in &/or shift so that she can keep her dogs. 2)Keep her with you, but have more hands on deck to help you-friends, family, or hired. That allows you time to relax, rest & recharge. If possible, set boundaries with your mom. Have her do small chores (fold towels, put utensils away, set table, put her laundry away, etc.)with or without supervision to encourage her interaction. Encourage as much self care as she can do. 3)Have her move in with a caretaker. 4)If these don't seem feasible, then let mom know that you'll try to find homes for her dogs & she'll have to go to AL. Good luck in finding what works for you & your mom. 🙏

Imho, perhaps the solution will be facility living for your mother, especially since you are an unwell individual, although "doing well."

You are NOT required, legally or ethically, to care for your elderly mother in your own home. Since she is getting confused, she clearly has some type of dementia - and soon will not even recognize her own dogs.

You need to start setting boundaries. At 70 with cancer, you are not doing yourself any favors by attempting to care for your mother. What if your own health suddenly goes down the tubes?

Don't wait until it becomes an emergency situation. It's time to start pursuing other options for mom, such as Assisted Living or Memory Care.

I am in the same situation and I TRIED to do it all myself and was feeling the exact same way as you are. Then I hurt my back trying to keep her from falling. I I found 2 very strong, young girls who come to sit with her from 10am to 10pm. They help her to the bathroom, play games with her and make her breakfast or lunch or dinner if I'm not here. This not only allows me to enjoy my own life but saves me from hurting myself.
Now it's a pleasure having my Mom with me because I'm not the one TRYING to care for her when I really can't.
Get some hired help and you will feel a lot better.
Best wishes to you and your Mom.

Your anger and resentment are normal. I am feeling the same way. I would change it if I could but my husband doesn't want his mother in a nursing home so she continues to live with us. It is stressful and I know the feeling of being trapped inside and burned out. Your anger is telling you what you need. Listen to it. Get a therapist to talk about your feelings and how to move forward. Put your life first. Don't compromise your own precious life on order to make your mom's a little bit better. Only be a caregiver if you have a passion for it. Your mom made her choices in life including adopting dogs at a late stage in life. My MIL who is 91 did the same thing. She adopted a dog when she was like 86 years old! Now, she keeps hounding us about wanting a kitten!

My heart goes out to you and to the two dogs. Losing "sight of" those dogs at this stage will be horrible. But here is a solution - let your mother know YOU will take the two dogs and work something out where they could be brought for visits. I went through all of this and it is heartbreaking because I became disabled and had to leave my home. Second, with your personal situation, you should NOT under any circumstances bear this burden. She needs to be where she is cared for and safe so YOU can live your life in peace and doing what you love to do. You have NO choice. Her being there is so negatively impacting you, it will destroy YOU and you do NOT deserve that. Take the steps and place her and keep her dogs. Good luck to you

At your age and with your health conditions, you should be doing whatever you want whenever you want to.
You are a prisoner in your own home. You are becoming resentful because you're giving more than you have to give. Don't feel guilty about that.
Your life is more important than your mother's dogs. Put her in assisted living or a nursing home. Visit her often. Be very active in her life and her care, but do it.
Everyone will be better off for it. You, your husband, and your mother. The two of you will get your home and life back and your mom will get one of her own because she'll be around other people and will have activities to do.

First, Thank You for stepping up and helping your mother out. Family is Family and caregiving is a beast of a job with little "thank you" moments. That is why I'm leading with THANK YOU!

Secondly, The advice below, get help in the home is 100% correct. A companion care aide either private pay, or through Medicaid or VA (if either of your parents served in any of the forces.) Caregiver burnout is real and will affect your health, your attitude and your marriage. So please see where you can get help in the home, even if its friend that is looking to earn a few extra dollars.

Lastly, you need to develop a new plan. I'm not saying your old way of thinking will never be. What I am saying is stop comparing your life to what it was and understand what your home life will be. Kinda like bring home a newborn child or when you first brought home your new puppy. You and your husband changed. There were new protocols; new things changed or were deleted from your life. You need to start thinking about "What is Your new Normal?" with your mother living with you? Try to create a new normal with things you can live with; something like a compromise. Example, Every Wednesday is your golf outing with the woman's league. You don't have to or want to change that, so look for a person to adult-sit on Wednesday. So you are not pressed to be home and your mother is taken care of.

If you have questions please feel free to ask,

Most important...
Stay Inspired,
Shonda

Hi. Someone competent you hire would not be sitting around doing nothing . S/he would be keeping your mom safe while you live the life you deserve to live . My mom recently passed away at almost 98. For the past ten years, she has been taking turns living with my sister and me ( we live 5 min. apart ). Together , we hired caregivers to stay with my mom so my sister and I could enjoy life while taking care of my mom. I am72 with health issues so I can relate . My mother learned to love the caregivers that we hired , over the years . They kept her company , played cards and games with her , watched movies. I did not have to worry whenever I wanted to go out . You will have a totally different outlook on taking care of your mom, if you can have a life, as well .

Have home care say 4 hours for 3 days a week. They are to care for your mother so have a list for when they come u can choose morning, or afternoon. Sth should be at top of list , change her sheets, maybe fix lunch, while you go golf, eat out with friend, date with hubby, beauty shop, grocery shopping, but leave while caretaker is there. I had hospice come in 2-3 times a week and they gave him a bath that was it.but it was a big help. You have to take care of yourself in order to care for mom. And once or twice a year your sister could come to your house to care for mom while you and hubby go on a vacation.

People are more important than animals, this includes you. You need to do what is best for your mom and you, even if it means you keep her dogs and she goes to A.L.

I am faced with almost the same situation but for 6 month. My sister gets mom for 6 month but is hinting she doesn't know how much longer she can do it. My mother also can b left alone for short periods. I too am feeling resentful. I am 67, my husband is 72. We r retired and I do get 6 month off but I feel like our lives are in the last season and we would like to travel. My husband is also a big help. My issue I am impatient especially with moms forgetfulness and memory loss, I know she cant help it but it still is hard. You could ask the Area Agency on Aging if they can assist with attendant care. Or will ur mother go to Sr. Center long enough for you to get out a couple hours. They are a great resource. I feel ur pain and will pray God will send us both answers.

Don’t think of a caregiver “just sitting around”. Assess your mothers abilities and then make up a list of what she needs help, what works for you and most important: what is a reasonable expectations. My mother’s caregiver played cards with my mom while doing a small amount of laundry, running the sweeper in the downstairs and taking out the trash. My mother refused any type of personal care and was able to make her own meal. I had made a list of the details and adjusted it as we went along. The caregiver would come twice a week at 1:00 pm and stay for four hours each time: 8 hours total per week. It is a process finding what is affordable and being flexible in your expectations. I had nanny cams in the entire downstairs and informed both the agency and the caregiver of their placement.

I am sorry if this sounds pessimistic, but your life is no longer your own. Caregiving for the elderly subsumes all of your life and until you give into the fact that you have no life except caring for your mother and aunt, you will be angry and depressed. Even after you accept that fact, you'll likely still be angry, but at least you will be operating from a baseline of what to expect.

What does your mother want to do?

Was she happy to go along with the idea first to move in with her sister, and then to move in with you? - did anyone have to do any arm twisting to persuade her?

What's the funding situation?

Feeling resentful is an indictor that your needs are not being met. May I suggest a process that will pinpoint changes and types of help.
1 - List all of "mom tasks" - task you do for your mother, time. and frequency. Example - walking to toilet ____ time every __ hours.
2 - Mark "mom tasks" that require some training. Calculate "Mom task" weekly time spent. You will be amazed how much time that is.
3 - List of all your "essential needs" (doesn't include leisure activities) - task, time and frequency BEFORE mom: sleep 7-9 hours, 3 daily meals at reasonable pace, housework, meal prep, grocery shopping, personal care, personal health needs, at least 2 hours daily of alone time with spouse, time to meet spiritual needs...
4 - Star or asterisk next to those "essential needs" that are getting shorter amount of time now that mom lives with you. Underline those activities that others could do (grocery shopping, cleaning house, laundry...) Calculate the weekly time for all the starred/asterisk areas to see the least amount of time needed to recover.
5 - Make a list of all your "leisure activities" - meeting with friends, outings with spouse, hobbies... - mark time and frequency for each. Rank them from most important to least important. For the top 5 or so items, calculate "leisure time desired" for month and week.
6 - Final totals. Start with "minimum time" which is only the starred "essentials needs" added to "mom tasks" for week and month. Calculate "preferred time" which is "leisure time desired" added to "minimum time" for week and month. DO NOT shortchange yourself on the time in your calculations; it is better to be more generous with estimates and round up to full hours
7 - Enlist help. Contact people in this order: spouse, children, extended family, friends, members of faith community... not paid help yet) Use "mom tasks" list and underlined "essentials tasks" list. Let them know that you need help caring for your mom in order for her to continue staying in your home. Give them "mom tasks" and underlined "essential tasks". Ask them for a commitment on a regular basis (daily, weekly, monthly) of either time or for a task. Example: your sister who lives 12 hours away might take mom for a 3 day weekend every other month in your home so you and hubby can get away. Expect that most people may need to look at these lists (that is why you did all that calculating in detail) and talk with their spouse/family before getting back to you. Short waits are OK, you have been doing this without help already, but give a reasonable deadlines for answers. The goal: develop a schedule of helpers who consistently help meet "mom's tasks" and starred "essential tasks". Use the time "gained" to get back time for your essentials and leisure.
8 - Paid help. Contact home health agencies and private hire (sitters and home health aides) to fill in the voids in your list of "mom tasks" and "essential tasks." An administrative staff member with ask you how many hours of care you need weekly usually in 4-8 hour chunks of time and the types of help your mom needs. Those lists provide the answers. Home health aides can complete home "essential tasks" while they care for your mom; let them know the tasks not covered on your list. Agencies will tell you the cost and schedule to meet your needs. Talk with your spouse and mom about discussions agency and volunteers and the cost of care. Pay for it primarily with mom's resources, then your family resources - if available.
9 - Not enough resources to cover time and/or costs? Time to discuss other caregiving options: adult day program, senior living/assisted living, and potential transition to full residential care. Talk to local resources about "mom tasks" and costs. Her resources should pay and then Medicaid should pay.

I too am feeling so resentful. Feeling trapped is an understatement. I believe it is time for a home but then the guilt kicks in. My mom has been with us over 5 years now, she too can be left alone for a couple hours but lord knows what you will find when you come home - feces all over the floor was the latest. I feel like my life is on hold - I know she needs to go in to a home, she has been abusive with the caregivers - one left crying and quit, she gets mad at me if I ask her to get into her pajamas, her hygiene is non existent. It is just so hard. If you have the will, place your mom now.

A home caregiver would be the best option, in my opinion.

Best wishes.

Her health will only decline from this point on - and it could be a long slow journey. It is time for a different plan. She needs professional services like a visiting doctor, home health care and visiting nursing. She will need to be placed at some point. Even if she were to stay with her sister she would eventually need placement. Look into any free county or state home care professional services for which she may qualify so you can get back to golfing. Start the process for applying for long term care - there can be waiting lists. If you are resentful now, in a year or so (or less) you will be losing your mind and your own health might be impacted. I am a total dog lover - they are my life - but if I had to make a choice between my dogs and my daughters health and happiness I would choose my daughter. And you have to make yourself a priority. If you cannot keep the dogs for her, there are wonderful rescues out there that will help find a safe and happy home for them. These are not easy or pleasant choices or decisions to make. You will feel like the “bad guy.” But just letting the situation go along as is won’t help you or your mother in the long run. Look for professional resources in your area that you can consult with such as an elder care attorney, elder care social worker, support group, etc.

I so agree that having a home care aide for your mom will be so helpful for both you and her. We have a caregiver come 4h/day for my mom. At the beginning, my mom claimed that the aide did little, after 6 months, she admits that the aide is helpful. The caregiver washes mom's hair, dyes her hair, cuts her nails, measures her blood pressure, fixes her lunch, do light housekeeping, takes her on her daily walk, do her laundry, dispenses her meds, and guides her through some strengthening exercises. Having this aide has improved mom's health overall. It takes stress away from her children in being sure that she's got daily care and social interaction. Try getting a homegiver...it'll be a life saver for you and your mom.

I am just curious, why does a 90 year old woman have two dogs under 5 years old?

This was a bad idea from the word go and now you feel like a prisoner in your own home because she chose to get animals that would most likely outlive her. Rehome the dogs and place her in the best facility for her needs, you can bring your dogs to visit her. I promise you that she will not die without her pups.

I just convinced my 75 year old mom that adopting a puppy would be a really bad idea and she got a 10 year old that is a joy to her and I don't have to worry about the dog outliving her or creating work she can no longer handle.

Have you checked into board and care homes? My dad had his little dog with him and the staff helped take care of her, she was a comfort to the other residents as well.

Best of luck finding the strength to do what is best for everyone involved, including you.

Use mom's income to hire a Caregiver a 2-4 hrs a day or 1 or 2 days to give you a break.

Yes! My 2 brothers do nothing to help. Though your problems are much greater And I’m sorry for you I understand how you feel. Sending prayers your way🙏

I love Featheredfriend’s suggestion of seeking a foreign student to help! So many other cultures are more used to multigenerational households. Depending on your mother’s Medicare needs, be mindful of how you compensate caregivers. Not sure how they would perceive bartering for care, or if that matters. Also, pardon me if I missed it, but is your mother able to move back in her home with care coming in? Since her vision is bad, she may be more comfortable there due to familiarity at surroundings. Regardless, you definitely need help with her so that you will have more time to concentrate on and take care of yourself. All the best to you, and big hugs too!

Even though they may be sitting around,
I think its a good idea you have someone come in to care for your mom to free you up on a regular basis. This rather than have you become burned out and feel resentful toward your mother. She probably senses how you feel and yet what can she do because she is old and helpless. She took care of you when you were small and now she needs you.
But you can also share the care with someone else. If you have an extra room in your house you could contact a local college or nursing school's job center to find a serious student needing a quiet place to rest and study in exchange for some care duties for your mother such as reading to her, taking her out for fresh air and sun in wheelchair or helping do exercises...perhaps a little laundry, meal
prep, vacuuming. This to free you up to get away.. Many female foreign students especially enjoy being part of a US family to live with and just need a quiet place to rest and study in return. And you can tell them if they need to socialize they will need to do it outside your home
such as Starbucks or their friends' houses. Even if you have to pay someone to come in for a couple of days a week it will be worth it to for you to be able to get away and enjoy your life. This rather than dvelop animosity toward your helpless mom who probably doesn't want to impose on you either but has no where else to turn literally!

Could you get a part time carer in so that you can take breaks? I do this with my mother and it works well. We go out for 3 hours on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and the carer makes sure to take her to the loo, then clean her and put her to bed after her breakfast.

Though we love out pets, we valued human life over that of animals. We told our MIL we needed to rehome her dog, which we did, and gave her a stuffed animal dog. It was a short readjustment period. In a couple of days she enjoyed the stuffed animal and forgot about her dog.

I feel the same way that you do. I was never meant to be a care giver, i never had children of my own. I work full time (from home) Assisted living is an option for her but she won't go. Refuses. Every time i mention it she says i am throwing her out on the street. she won't go to an "old folks home". It would be a great solution for the both of us and I don't know if I can physically drag her there. i don't have the time and energy to meet all of her needs and like you i'm resentful. I wish I had not brought her here in the first place, but too late now. Its not a good answer but I do commiserate.

Despite the reasons you gave, I'm telling you, the best solution would be to keep her dogs yourself and to put her into assisted living. You could visit twice weekly and bring her dogs.

If all of you have been vaccinated for covid, I see no reason why this cannot work. You feel like a prisoner now, just wait til a YEAR of this has passed!

There are places that allow pets. My mother's facility was IL/AL/MC and even allowed pets in the MC area. If you enter a search for Assisted Living that accept pets, you may find some. They may be further away than local ones, but it would be better than nothing. While some ALs may require the person be able to provide the pet care, others might provide assistance, for a fee of course! Another option is to hire a pet sitting service. My son worked for one for a while. They don't need to be there all day every day. You schedule their time to meet the needs - take them for a walk and doing their "business" several times/day, ensure they are fed, etc.

At 70 years old, even without your own medical issues, it is a difficult job to care for an elder, esp with dementia. The dementia will only get worse, not better. That will require more and more of your time. It would be best to find a place for her that will allow the dogs. At some point, as she regresses, you may need to remove the dogs from her care. She will begin to forget about them and what they need. That isn't fair to the dogs either. If/when that time comes, there are some nice robotic pets that might fill the void. One resident in mom's MC had a stuffed dog that she treated like the real thing.

Find a good place. Let them do the hands on and allow yourself time to enjoy your life too. You can still visit with her, take her out on occasion, walk her dogs and be her daughter again, not her nurse maid.

(in addition to the usual AL/MC facilities, there are also smaller care homes. perhaps there are some in your area that might allow pets.)