My mom (84) has lived with me (60) and my wife (56) for the last 5 years She was living alone So I, being the good son I, moved her in. And my wife was her caregiver for all those 5 years. Up until last Thursday when i got a call at work that she had left me under the stress of 5 years of being told your stupid get me this get me that do this don't do that among other horrid things.
Me and my wife love each other deeply and our marriage will survive If i can just find a place for Mom.
Hello mother, goodbye me.Goodbye us and our marriage I don't even know this angry, frustrated, and burned out man I see in the mirror. I just want to have my life back without guilt. I am the the only son left my brother passed away Oct of last year
I don't like this person I've become. How can I be this bitter? My mom has always loved me. She's been a good mom. So how can I resent her so much?
She can still get around with a walker but she won't. She sits in her chair and refuses to do anything for herself. She wants me to serve her - period. She won't eat at the table, she wont go outside, she just sits in her chair and when I come home from work she expects me to wait on her
My marriage can be saved but i just don't know what to do with mom. Funds are only 915 a month that's it with blue cross/medicare. She cant get Medicaid because she is in my home and they go by household income.
This is all new to me and i am lost as to what to do She is in the hospital right now and i am trying to have her placed into a nursing home medicare will cover 3 months and i can apply for her Medicaid then because she will be out of the home.
But i am getting this sick feeling that they are going to release her back onto me ruining any chance to get my wife back and put our marriage back together. I am met at every turn with six to eight waiting lists at places she can afford to live on her own. help i am losing my sanity and my hope
It is not that my mother cant do it is that she wont do hence my wifes frustrations when she will be forced to then she will and now she is being forced to.I have to be up there today @ 1:30 for another meeting as i needed time to think
I must speak to my wife and get her input also and assure her what ever happens she will be out and we will have our life back.
I ask that because she's evidently convinced them that she is more able to do things for herself than she's been doing for herself for the last 5 years in your home while demanding that she be waited on hand and foot.
It just sounds like at this point with her history of messing things up, that insisting they place her in a state run facility. As you have written about your attempts in the recent past to get her to live somewhere else "Everytime i get a plan in motion she kills it someway."
Yet for however many days that she's not been in the psych ward, but home alone with you at work and your wife gone to her sister's, it seems that your mom has been able to function just fine with no one around to boss around.
Has she really needed all of this care that she's been demanding from your wife at home and you when you got home from work?
Has she always wanted people to wait on her hand and foot?
Did your dad wait on her hand and foot?
Has she always related to your wife in the manner in which she has for the last 5 years?
Has she always been this bossy and dependent with you all of these years?
If not, when did all of this begin?
Does she still drive and have her own car?
Her behavior has to have some kind of roots for it to make sense.
I don't understand how one goes about evicting someone from a house that their name is not on the title for and who are not paying rent as part of a contract of agreement for them to live there. I'm not a lawyer, but it sounds to me like she has not legal claim to the house as her residence other than as a mailing address as someone who is a guest in a house that does not belong to her. That sounds like freeloading to me. I'd see a lawyer about this for it sounds rather open and shut to me.
However, I would not blame you at all to insist the hospital place her in a state run facility with all of the stress she's already created for you, your wife, your marriage and your lack of a life. See if they will place her somewhere. Otherwise, it sounds like for you it is back to the same old battles and games all over again, plus when she wants some extra attention she'll find someway to get it.
I really don't think you are dealing with a very healthy personality when it comes right down to it. Thus, you need some boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage starting with saying something like "my wife and I are not doing this anymore for you mom". The state is going to find somewhere for you to live. If that is what you decide to do, I wouldn't get into an argument about it or get into some drama filled lengthy discussion. I'd just share it rationally, calmly, but firmly. This current pattern of behavior and the stress it is causing needs to end before it ends you.
Sorry, but from someone looking in from the outside with the facts that you have given, that's the forest that I see from the individual trees. Maybe others see this differently?
So, she doesn't need a nursing home and isn't a danger to herself. You sit down with her doctors (and her) and ask what kind of our patient mental health services and/or medication they are going to be providing her with, because there seems to be a problem In that she thinks she needs to be waited on by you and your wife.
Are they seeing signs of treatable mental illness? What is their care plan for her?
I guess the next step is to look into the eviction process in your municipality. Sorry.
They told me since she lives here gets her mail here i would have to evict her. They will not place her in a NH And if i insist she will be placed into a state run facility. They said she is able to live on her own and encourage me to find her a place of her own.
I have many applications for low income housing that go by what you make And have spent the last 5 hours filling them out. All want proof of income which is a print out of her S S that shows her income which i can not get only she can request that.
So the hunt begins for an apartment for her.
It is very hard to see things as they really are when it is your parent. You could not quite see it as it was happening, but mom's behavior and needs outstripped what could be reasonably provided at home, and out of guilt, it waited until your wife felt she had to vote with her feet before an alternative was undertaken- my heart goes out to you because I know how painful good hindsight can be, and how hard, both logistically and emotionally it is to deal with all the fallout.
One of them once asked about a facility I knew to have a reputation as a death facility - I learned from a few attorneys and an ombudsperson agency that people who went in often didn't come out, that the environment was terrible. It was fairly common knowledge but the discharge planner asked if we would consider it until I told her absolutely not. Then she admitted that it didn't have a good reputation Yet she asked if we would consider it. I lost all respect for her at that point.
You NEED to do your own investigation, whether it's you or a friend or your wife.
Second, of course, everyone else is right here. You have come to the right place. Keep reading, reading, reading all sorts of posts on this site and you will have something like a master's degree in geriatric issues. Do not lose your sense of humor. Call your wife and tell her you are all over this problem and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. (Don't tell her it is the train!). See, that was a joke...
Be prepared for the discharge planners to push for you to take your mother home. They're in the position to ensure that people get out and have a care plan, so they're the ones to push. Push back; they can be aggressive people.
You've already received good advice on standing up to them.
It seems your mother is a skilled manipulator, using threats to achieve what she wants. If she's not suicidal or mentally ill, she'll find out quickly how unpleasant it can be to be in a locked ward. If Northville were still in existence, she'd be there, and that would be a whole 'nother experience in itself.
As Glad suggests, consider FMLA, at least to get things settled. Or offer to take leave w/o pay; I've done that in the past and it's been accepted.
Good luck.
On the POA if she refuses to sign one tell the social worker they will need to request to have a state guardian appointed by the court on an emergency basis. May that will persuade mom. Does she want a strager makimg decisions or her? Or you. But, it may be easier for you if the state assigns guardian. And thie would be an excellent way to speed up the Medicaid process if necessary.
The discharge planner had a list of facilities, then narrowed it down to facilities with available beds, a friend of mine gave her input on facilities(she'd visited a number of them for her gma) and we visited those on the short list.
They arranged transport for our mom to the NH, which worked better for our mom, who was actually much calmer than she'd have been with us. We were able to get this done over a weekend in time for discharge on Monday.
Don't be shy to ask for a supervisor and their manager, and the director, and on up until you get some help. The service level seems to be all over the place based on where you live.
The good ones I know are literally life savers. There are some out there who are surprised to learn the job actually requires effort and knowledge.
Does your wife work? If not, andvifvyou ask very nicely, she might go and visit some of the sites that discharge is suggesting. I would not look on my own, only withvthe tecomendation from the discharge planners IF they are talking about discharge in the next few days.
One more thing. The hospital arranges transport to yhe facility site. You do not put mom in your car and transfer her yourself.
Maybe you have tons of money to take time off i do not Thank you
1. Your wife has been a good soldier....she is doing this to save her own sanity and force you to "deal" with YOUR mother, who she has been stuck with in HER own home for 5 years. Ask for her forgiveness! Get down on your knees and tell her how important your marriage is. Then follow the advice above.
2. Tell the social worker at the rehab she goes into after the hospital that there is no way she can be cared for at home since you work and your wife has left because of caregiver burn out. Then find a place for her to go after rehab. Do not waver , do not weaken. She can go in as Medicaid pending.
3. Repeat step #1 and best wishes for you.!
Start with what mom needs, not how much she can afford
If she is deemed to require 24/7 supervision, you are not responsible for providing her with it or paying for it yourself. If you need to give guardianship over to the state of Michigan, so be it. You'll still be her loving son and you'll still visit.
Safe and cared for sounds more likely for your mother who has some serious problems.
Was you mom happy before she moved into your home? Was she ever happy in your home? What put your mother in a setting where nurses and social workers heard her say that she would kill herself? Has she ever acted like this before in her life that you recall?