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I have been looking at some of the other articles on this. When we had dad over for Christmas yesterday (he lives on his own with the help of caregivers), he brought up the fact he would really like to go see his nieces and nephews this spring. The car trip would be a minimum of 4 hours on a good day, but potentially looking at 5-6 hours on a bad traffic day. He uses a walker and this would require multiple rest stops. He is very, very frail. I really, REALLY don't want to do this. Just spending every Saturday afternoon with him is exhausting to me. There's the med management situation plus the care of his legs (he's diabetic). He said he would pay for a place for us to stay but I don't want to share a hotel room with him and he would be very confused on his own. I just don't think he could do it. Possibly one of them would let us stay. His grown nieces and nephews are pushing him to get me to take him up there (I am the only one here in town with him - I've been managing his care for almost 4 years and was recently awarded guardianship). They have not seen him for many years and I'm afraid they don't realize how frail he has gotten. My sister lives there and suggested that possibly her daughter could meet me half way and they could take him the rest of the way and manage him for an overnight stay to give me a break. I did read in one of the articles to talk to his doctors. I could run this by his geriatric psych and primary care doctor if you think that would be good. I am at a loss and maybe I'm worrying about this all too soon but I really don't want to do this but feeling like I don't have a choice.

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Jasmina hit the nail on the head when she said: "I think family members who havent seen the elderly person in a long time, remember them as they used to be years ago. Not how they are now. They have no concept of the changes."

They likely have no concept of his current illness state and confusion.

It would not be 'safe' for him to make such an extended trip. Just because your father is asking to go does not mean that he SHOULD make such a trip. Elderly persons tend to overestimate their own abilities and see themselves as they "used" to be when they were in their middle-aged prime.
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Llamalover47 Jan 2019
dragonflower: You're spot on! One time my late mother said "You think I will just keep going along" (not aging). No, I was most certainly not that naive.
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The adult nieces and nephews need to be informed and they are the ones that need to do the traveling at this point.

Make it fun. Schedule a weekend with 'uncle' for some point in the near future.

You're jumping through too many hoops and driving yourself crazy. Come up with the easiest way to get this done.

You might start a yearly family reunion if all goes well.
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Drove 91 years old dad in early stages of dementia with diabetes and leg problems from Orlando to Maryland. Made sure car was comfortable and we stopped when he needed a break, Which was less often than we thought. Depends are a must. 4-6 hr. drive's Can actually be pleasant and will give you and your father and your family a final memory you will never regret. Have the care giver prepare your father as my just possible and see if you can arrange for a care giver on the other end. Insist on separate rooms and with the Internet nowadays you can get very good deals. Confirm that your family will pick him up half way. Assured that a care giver will be there on the other end should assuage your concerns. Always advisable to speak to doctors ahead of time. Good idea for you to make a list of things for your family to know about your dad like whether he sundowns or how to calm him Down. Music he loves like the big band series or Frank Sinatra can be played in the car and there as it's been proven to really calm and please Alzheimer's patients. Once you have things arranged, Take a positive outlook on how this could benefit everyone. I can tell you what an amazing experience it was for everyone that my father was present with his And the bride's family. Wishing you all the best and this is your decision to make. Think about how you want to look back on this years from now.
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Babs75 - you said "He is not going to understand so I don't think I'll bring it up to him unless he asks again-sometimes he forgets."

Definitely don't offer anything, but if he brings it up, what I find works well (may not always work for everyone or all the time, but worth a try) is reply with something like 'tomorrow' or 'next week' or 'soon', not today...

When I have done that, mom will say OK, and then it is forgotten. She does not live with me, so I would not get a questions like that all the time, only when I visit, but generally they have no sense of time and short-term memory loss will help them forget... for a bit... easier to defer than argue or try to explain anything...
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Babs, so now you have read the comments, what are you going to do?
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Babs75 Jan 2019
I put a call into his geriatric psych today but haven't heard from her yet.

UPDATE: As I was typing in this website, she called me back. No, she does not recommend a trip like that for him. She said it would be too much. He is not going to understand so I don't think I'll bring it up to him unless he asks again-sometimes he forgets. I also asked her about an official diagnosis for him as she's never really said. "Mixed dementia". A bit of this, a bit of that, I guess.
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Sounds like you are getting some excellent answers and suggestions here! My comment is simply 1. Trust your instincts, and 2. By all means check with your dad's doctor. That way you're not the "bad guy" in this scenario. Tell the doctor your concerns. He or she is sure to back you up, and then you can tell the relatives that although you would love to come, you can't do it against doctor's orders and risk dad's health. Then make some of these alternative arrangements such as the relatives coming your direction or (better!) a Skype visit or such. Best wishes to you, and blessings for taking such good care of your Dad and wanting what is best for him.
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Babs75 Jan 2019
I suspect his geriatric psych will back me up. She is the same person that told me anytime I need a letter written to state that he should be moved to assisted living to let her know (based on stipulations in the guardianship, I can't move him without the written recommendation from a physician.) We're not quite there yet, but it's always good to have that in my back pocket......
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Babs75; wow they really have no clue how hard it can be to do this road trip why dont they all come visit your dad then the neices and nephews and your sister can witness the decline 1st hand look I do not know your exact situation but Id say HELL NO !! its too exhausting for him !! He acts like he wants to go but in all reality dad probly dont know how draining a long trip can be, we took my mother to see her sister 5 hour drive 1 way when we returned my mom went into conjestive heart failure again so no you are NOT being selfish actually you are a very selfless person so for your own good and your dads just say NO!! The family has to travel to see him hes tooooo frail for a long trip NoNo No just say No please do not torture yourself or your dad !!and tell the family to STOP PUTTING The Idea in his head!!! Tell the family dads tooo sick for long trips anymore ! GOOD LUCK
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It's not easy to travel with someone in this condition, nor advisable.
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I am new to this site,and saw your post. I live in Ohio, our son got married in Mo. a 9 hour trip. My 92 year old mom insisted on going. We took a "trial" trip to Cleveland, a 3 hour trip. We reserved connecting rooms. She was past exhaustion from the 4 hour drive and when we returned home, she made the decision to stay home.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
Thank you for writing that visits exhaust you. I feel so guilty about that, mom lives with us so if I am not in sitting with her I get guilt. It is a difficult situation.
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JoAnn29 Jan 2019
To care for someone you need time to yourself. My DH thought I should bring Mom to my Den to spend the day with me. Mom could not carrying on a conversation. All she had was TV because she couldn't read anymore. She never played games, cards or had a hobby. Her shortterm was put the door, so no learning something new. I don't like daytime TV. So, what was I suppose to do with her. Guilt, yes but I am not an entertainer or have patience. She had a room with a bathroom. She went to Daycare 3x a week. She ate dinner with us, either home or out, and spent the evening watching TV with us.
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My dad is 80 and has been in memory care facility for 2 years now. Taking him out for about an hour is all he can handle and he really is not able to enjoy or engage. He is incontinent as well. I no longer take him more than about 15 minutes away from his ALF. He really seems somewhat relieved when we return. I just took my mom across the country - she is 76 and has great cognitive ability but physical limitations meant a wheel chair through the airports and she had to hold onto me to walk most places, steps were very difficult, bathroom breaks along the interstates in our rental car were nerve-racking. I'm glad I took her but I am exhausted. I could not imagine doing that with a cognitively-impaired person.
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I think its time for a family reunion and for the family to come to your father...
Have a picnic at a park... have everyone bring pot luck so your not stuck with the food stuffs and this way father gets out in the sun and the little ones can play on the equipment and then visit then play... the adults can visit not only with each other but with father and especially father gets out in the sunshine and he has gone for a "ride". Then you take him back to a familiar place and he hasn't spent 4 to 6 hours in a car you get to rest after a hectic day and everything is good
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Betsysue2002 Jan 2019
Excellent suggestion ! Sounds like fun. Can i come too :)
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My father had dementia and eventually had to be put into a nursing home where I visited him every single day. He has since passed away at the age of 88. The one thing he always asked me was, could I take him home so he can take a real bath because he didn’t like the bathing situation at the nursing home. Against my better judgment I took him home. I knew he couldn’t climb the stairs. I knew he would have a problems in and out of the bathtub. I had to help him through all of this and I have a back problem. I also knew because of these problems he would get irritated at me. But the only thing that I absolutely knew was that once he experienced all of these limitations, he would never ask me again. And I was right — he never did. It seems to me that your situation is a lot worse and that this course of action may not work for you and it would be a lot more difficult to manage him on a long trip with his limitations. I was moved by your story and compelled to share mine. I wish you the best and bless you for your efforts in helping your father. Take care.
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One thing that everyone here has said...but not said...is that each case of dementia is different. One persons dementia may allow a trip to happen. In my mother's case, her incontinence alone would disallow the trip (She has even commented that she would never be able to travel anywhere now). We took her on a 2-1/2 hour drive to a wedding a few years ago before her ALZ was diagnosed. It was a very difficult trip for my wife and I. My mother no longer has a 'filter' on what she says, so the trip was spent with her bringing up everything my brothers and I ever did wrong in life. (As I said...it was before we had a diagnosis...so it just seemed like she was being mean. Even now, it isn't something that can just be ignored for a long period of time.)
The important thing is once you start on a trip, you've got the same distance to return home. There isn't much you can do about going to see the cemetery, but my vote would be for the nieces and nephews to come see him.
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You know best what you are capable of. It's not easy to travel with someone who has a cognitive impairment and the walker would complicate things even more. If you don't think it's a good fit for you to travel with him then don't. I know that sounds selfish but there is nothing wrong with knowing your limits and sticking with what you know works.
On the other hand, if you'd like to make the trip, maybe you could get one of them to come and make the trip with you both and stay in the hotel room with him etc. Basically just tell them you're not doing this alone. Maybe you could rent an RV so that he would have his own "room" for the whole trip and a bathroom too. They have RVs that are handicap accessible.
I know the choices are tough and that people can try to guilt you into doing things you know are not a good fit for you. Stay strong and do what works for you.
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Arrange for them to visit - he will be constantly disorientated - listen your gut feeling that you won't be able to manage the trip or your dad - FYI .. he may already have forgotten his request!

Pre-arm yourself with delay excuses if/when he brings it up again .... like long awaited dr/specialist app't, car issues etc
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You absolutely have a choice. You are in the best position to know if your dad is capable of a trip like this (he is unable to be rational about his abilities) and it sounds like you've carefully thought this through and determined that the trip isn't practical. I'd start by sharing your knowledge of his health status with the nieces and nephews - they clearly don't understand how challenging the trip would be. His dementia would likely send him spinning, adding to the difficulty of the trip. Don't do it.
Instead, take whatever money you would have spent on the trip and rent an Airbnb near your dad for the family to come see him.
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janerides Dec 2018
Wow. I think they could get there own room...suggest a clean, not too expensive place. (I've run the bnb-for free here in the Ozarks...not much fun for me).
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Babs75, I have not read all the answers and I’m not even certain of your decision but I implore you not to take him. Ask your family to come see him if they can-or, maybe if you don’t think he’ll be too confused, FaceTime him. My husband had early onset dementia at 53. By 59, he was dependent on me for everything except he was mobile. His 82 year old Aunt begged him to come see her and he was always close to her so it broke my heart when I heard them on the phone. I relented and got 2 plane tickets. Travel was a nightmare. Don’t forget how confused he gets in an area he knows well. Imagine if you take him for a long ride for hours. It’s frustration and dangerous for both of you. He will not enjoy the ride, the visit or the return home. It may push him over the edge and you will always regret it. His long term memory thinks of family as they were. Things change. I wish you peace and health for the New Year. Take care of yourself first. You have a thankless job and no one appreciates it till they have to step in your shoes. Good luck
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I've been reading through all of these posts. Thank you!!! I had dad out yesterday to run errands and it is such a challenge. Just trying to get in and out of the car. Had to park next to the lawn and the uneven surface was bad for him. I got to thinking about the trip. Stairs are out of the question for him. Just getting up two stairs into my house or his house takes a lot of work and holding on to him. If we went someplace with more stairs than that, I'm not sure how we would do it. And the over stimulation. I think that's why he is so hesitant to come to my house for holidays. He always makes sure that I know that when he says it's time for him to go home, that I need to take him right away. It would be way worse up there because everyone would be fussing over him. He seems to have gotten so much worse. I think back to even a year ago. We needed to go to his credit union yesterday and he insisted over and over that I was driving he wrong direction (which I wasn't). I am going to give the geriatric psych a call this week since she is the one that manages his dementia. I'm sure she will support me in my decision. THANK YOU ALL!
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kirahfaye Dec 2018
The very best to you and your dad, Babs75 - and your extended family. My mom hasn't been diagnosed with dementia, just simple age related memory loss, but that has me stressed out enough that I can't even imagine dealing with the more severe forms of memory issues. Best blessings!
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Tell the nieces and nephews that he is just too frail to make this trip. He also has dementia, so he hardly knows just how bad off he really is.

tell them they must come to visit him. Let the pick the days.
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In my experience caring for my husband with dementia, change and locations they are not familiar with only confused them more. Have the relatives visit him in his environment.
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You got your answers no to travel. It depends on how they are in their disease. Like my Dad he is always wanting to go somewhere. Which I have to take him every where I go any way. But on a long travel it is be best if you have someone else with you to help you manage him/ her. My Dad did okay traveling in the car. But when we were in the motel, he wanted to go home. He has problems with sundown syndrome. I brought his cot that he is familiar with. Slept on it fine. He wouldn't lay down on the motel/hotel bed because it was too high and it wasn't his bed. I had my brother and his wife travel and stay in the same room with us. And had to block the door to our room, so he wouldn't open the door and get out while we were sleeping. My Dad is 84 years old. We were going to my niece wedding, but traveling a long trip again I probably make arrangements for him to stay at a respite care place or have home care to stay in the home with him.
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Babs75;
Your response on 12/28 to Meisie1's comment says all I need to read, but I read all the responses from others as well. My gut instinct says no way. I took my mother on a trip to SC years ago, when she was still in good health and no dementia. That was it for me, never again! Now just taking her to local doctor or dentist visits is a chore.  Why do I have to go? There's nothing wrong with me. I don't want to go. Where are we going? Do I have to go? The worst is for macular degeneration treatment (4x per year) because we go to the place she has always gone and it is now over an hour to get there (due to move to MC to be closer to where two of us live). The comments she makes are not so bad, but it is quite a trip! At this point I have asked one brother to take over that because she needs a walker and cannot get in/out of my cars easily. She outweighs me by a lot - if she falls on me, I'm done for!

Let those who want to see your dad get off their butts and come to visit. If your dad did not have dementia, perhaps. Medically frail would still be a concern.  Certainly two people making a long trip is "easier" than all of them making the trip, but he is not healthy and the dementia will bring in more issues than you need. THEY are younger and presumably healthy. Let them make the trip. Leave your guilt and desire not to do this out of the discussion. Just say it would not be good for him to make this trip. They don't like that idea, too bad. As others have sad, if they have not seen him in years and/or have no experience with dementia, then they have no clue.

Although a grand party with everyone coming to visit at the same time might be nice, I think given what you have said and what other's have said about routines, etc, it might be best for them to visit at different times. All at once could be overwhelming.  Just those short visits to your house gives you a preview of what you face. Too many visiting at once might be too much. Multiple visits with less people spread out over time would be easier to manage. To make a long trip like that, not sleeping in a familiar place (and you said no sharing room with him, which could be a huge disaster!), upsetting his usual routine, etc, it has all the ingredients for a mess.

As to his desire to visit the cemetery - is it local or located where the other relatives live? If not local, any chance of finding a local place and passing it off? If it is local, it might be okay - if he is still aware that they have passed, that is the biggest issue. Our mother started asking about seeing her mother last November, and more recently asked for her father too. They have both been long long gone (40 and more than 50 years ago)!!! We just make excuses for now, too late in the day, they are away on vacation, etc. It would not help to say they have passed on as in her mind now they are alive and she would not remember us telling her anyway, so we would have to do this over and over. Excuses and redirection/refocus are easier.

So, my feeling is this is a bad idea. Most of the responses seem to be the same. For those few who say it might be last chance, it is what he wants, etc., there's no way to know if your experience would be good or bad, but most likely it will NOT be pleasant. The only inkling is the trip to visit your place during the holidays, and that is only a short trip. He is not well and has a "routine". Stick to that. No, just no to this trip!
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My suggestion is that is someone else wants to see him, have them make the full drive and make it a week long stay. Pre-plan two telemedicine check-ins with a nurse or doctor to help the family attend to Dad's needs. Let it be Dad's last road trip, everyone jump in and give him a chance to see his family, and and get the family to do as much as possible that doesn't involve you.

I had to take my mother over 1,000 miles to come stay with me after her previous situation got abusive and she ended up with a scary wound but refusing to tell a doctor or police officer what happened. She could not be allowed to take a plane because the last time she got lost at the airport and called people who were too far away to help her, crying, rather than work with the airline employee. She refused to be accompanied to and from flights. She missed her connection, then stayed at a sketchy hotel an hour from the airport as a big football game meant all the local hotels were full. I was a nervous wreck, so vowed the next trip would involve driving her.

She is not physically frail but it was hell. I got her a map at a gas station so she could "follow our route" and she spent four hours mumbling over the map and looking at all the confusing information, swearing and saying terrible things between quietly trying to fold the map for 20 minutes at a time. The constant stream of angry invectives made me a less safe driver. I had an earbud in the ear she couldn't see, so I could listen to an audio book and ignore the quieter ramblings.

Once the map wore out its welcome, I put an audio book on the car stereo, it was by one of her favorite authors. She could not keep up with the story but would listen to the words, and sometimes ask questions. That helped, A LOT. if she got distracted I could say "wow, XXX is such a great author" and she would agree and go back to listening. Then she decided audio books were terrible and how dare I play one. The rest of the car time was her raving and pouting and threatening to call people to tell them I was abusive, then forgetting what she was doing and sleeping.

We stopped at a couple tourist traps, and that made her angry and more confused. Only stopping at Nashville so she could buy cowboy boots was OK for her. It involved her angrily yelling that she needed photos of her in her new boots by a blooming magnolia tree, which was a huge ordeal because she doesn't like herself in photos because she looks old, but instead says no one can take good photos of her as the photographer is incompetent.

She then spent the next few hours in the hotel room sending her magnolia tree and boots pictures to everyone she knew over email and social media. This created an interesting problem, because it made her look like a capable participant in the road trip, and undermined the family's understanding of her decline. Follow up conversations with relatives were "it looked like you had a great time on the road trip, I don't see what you're complaining about." (This was before I worked with an appropriate therapist, and learned how to control the narrative and make sure everyone was on the same page regarding the reality of the situation.)

I had to stay with her in the hotel and at restaurants because she left drinks unattended, would strike up personal conversations with creepy strangers, and she she left her personal items like a trail wherever she went. While she had a bathroom break I sprinted to three different businesses to collect all the things she left, and got back before she could wander. I had to chase one guy off mom invited to come back to the hotel room.

She needed the television on VERY LOUD in hotel rooms. She had no sleep schedule and would not take sleep aids. If she could hear or see anything else she would obsess over it and then get totally woken up and want to wander.

Make someone else drive him. Eight hours is only one day of driving, leave very early and there's no traffic.
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Have you suggested to your family that it would be better for dads health if they came to him to visit. You should explain that dad requires to much attention and gets very confused when hes out of his safe zone. explain al the needs he has such as medicines, diapers, etc. let them know that the trip would be a total hardship for you to care for him away from home.
I would certainly speak with his doctors also to make sure they are for it or against it. explain to the doctors all of the care that goes into dad on a daily basis and your afraid if his safety zone is broken he could have problems.
I would tell your family that dad is in a frail health condition and that traveling is not good for him. You don't know the length of time dad has on this earth and hopefully they all could find the time to visit dad at his home making things a hell of a lot easier for all.
If they all truly want to see dad they'll have to find the time to come to him.
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I would never be able to manage taking my 92 y/o mother on a car trip of this nature. Never, ever, under any circumstances. Why? Because it's just too dangerous! She can't hear, she can't feel her feet *neuropathy*, she's unsteady on her feet WITH a walker, she gets carsick, she is incontinent, she takes a bunch of medications, she wets the bed every single night no matter what tools are used to prevent it, she has high anxiety and about 1,000,000 other reasons that I obviously won't get into. If I were faced with this type of situation, I would tell the well-meaning-relatives-who-are-clueless that Mom's doctor has FORBIDDEN her to travel, period. Lie or not, who cares? Then I would tell the well-meaning-relatives-who-are-clueless to come on out for a visit, and you'll be happy to book them a HOTEL reservation. You already have enough on your hands without being the entertainment committee for them.

You can create some other wonderful memories with your aging Dad......a road trip is certainly not the only way to do it!! Just think of the possibility that he hurts himself or requires hospitalization while on this road trip! How guilty would you feel then? It's a no-win situation, methinks.

Best of luck!!!
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I realize in recent responses I have been shall we say hypocritical. To this question, I responded that I helped take my dad places prior passing, and while it was hard I look back on those trips as very valued and treasured and suggested to the Babs she look at it the same way.

Then I realized on another thread, I griped my mom who may or may not be on here way to dementia, but in any event has severe OCD wants me to accompany her on a winter vacation to Myrtle Beach like she and my dad did for twenty five years. (MDs are a little confused, as she asks the same question over and over but has done that for years because of her OCD. They have tried to run a test on her but she wont do it

So I wondered, what was the difference, why don't I follow my own advice based on my dad? Well for starters, while my dad had ALZ, he was so easy to deal with, other than the physical logistics and repeated questions. The care givers at facilities he had been at always commented how they had never seen an ALZ so mild mannered and easy going.

My mom, for whatever reason, OCD or dementia is terribly difficult. I get tired out after being with her for an hour she is so emotionally intense. (in her defense, I think my dads passing has magnified her psychological disposition and she is very very depressed, but refuses to seek treatment for it)

So to Babs, I should perhaps apologize for my earlier advice of considering how she might feel later if she did not make the trips. I am glad I did this for my dad, but just don't know if I can do it for my mom. Or maybe do it for my mom, suck it up, and feel good about it later. The problem is she NEVER stops asking for new favors. Not like I would do this and she would appreciate it. She would just ask for more. Or I have thought of saying, I will go with her, IF, she wears her hearing aids, IF she wears her safety pendent, IF she tries to learn how to use her cell phone and bring it with her, IF she stops buzzing all the time (drives me nuts, but maybe she just cannot stop) and IF IF IF , she seeks professional help for her emotional issues. (Problem then is if she follows through, I will have to go with her :) Oh, and START to get the house ready to sell. It is an absolute junk pit.
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At the risk of nasty responses I have to say most of the responses I have read (haven't read all of them) are missing one consideration, Dad is asking to make this trip and that might be an important consideration. I'm not really clear on just how advanced his cognitive issues are, I understand he has other issues as well but if he is in the here and now enough to ask and continue to ask to make this trip and see his nieces and nephews who are obviously important to him I would want to do everything I could to make that happen.

That said I have to agree whole heartedly that having them come to him would be the ideal but it may be that there is some significance to him that he go there too so I would feel that out a bit. I also agree, no matter what happens as far as a visit goes, starting some regular Face Time or other electronic face to face contact should happen asap. It might satisfy his need to see and visit with them, it will help them better understand his limitations, at least cognitively and if there is a visit either way it will certainly help enable the family expressing a desire to give you a break do just that. As his primary family caregiver you are and will be his security blanket but if others, your sister, her daughter are willing to take over as much of the work as they can, for goodness sake take them up on it! Having face to face contact with them for a while even electronically can only help him be more comfortable with that.

We (the brother who lives closest to Mom and I) took mom, also diabetic and with heart issues...lot's of important meds and timing for them...across country to see our other brother and his family. The plan was to combine an event with a long term visit to give my brother and I a break, they have an in-law set up ready made. We flew her from CT to CA and I stayed in CA as well as her security blanket until she was ready for me to leave, tried to just be in the background letting my brother and sister-in-law take over. The travel wasn't as difficult as we expected it just took a little thought and planning. We traveled with 2 weeks of medication portioned out in her dispensers (so familiar to her). We put her in a wheelchair for airports and my brother in CA brought her home easily enough too (both brothers are pilots so fly on passes making this easier). I live about a 5 hr drive from Mom & bro another 30 min from her, they just drove up to us Christmas day, spent the night and drove home the next day, Mom is still raving about what a special visit it was. She does get anxious about any plans, visit's, appointment's & change in general so we tend to wait to tell her about things and while she knew about this trip well in advance and I'm sure stressed some it didn't seem quite a bad as usual and when plans needed to change she didn't take the out we expected of making the trip at all which is why the day was pushed back, I guess is was something important to her, she wanted to do.
A couple ideas, is there any option for one of his regular caregivers to make the trip with you? Plan the trip to be a long weekend, you stay in that hotel room, he stays with family after you settle him in that way you are close enough if needed and rather than seeing everyone at once maybe the family there could stagger their visit time with him, going to him perhaps at his home base there, this way he won't be overwhelmed by too may people at once and can enjoy his time with each of them. It will also keep him busy and engaged while there of course. This is all if he is insistent about going to them rather than having them come to him of course. It seems to me that his wishes are what is of importance here not their willingness or lack of to travel. But your needs and support are also of prime importance so anything that can facilitate both, if possible is what I would advocate for. It sure sounds like your family while not able to grasp the day to day wants to help and want's to appreciate it.
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Simple Answer. No. I cared for my Alzheimer's mother for 5-1/2 years. My niece wanted me to bring her to a baby shower. Two and 1/2 hours away from our home! (5 hour R/T drive) I said No. She got angry. I didn't care. Family members just don't realize the weight we carry when taking care of a loved one - then let alone want to travel? They just don't get it. Plus, I agree with other posts. I would take Mom somewhere then 90 minutes later she was ready to leave. It is overwhelming for them. Plus, it is overwhelming for YOU. Family tensions may arise but it's better than jeopardizing his health and yours. . . . .
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Jasmina Dec 2018
I think family members who havent seen the elderly person in a long time, remember them as they used to be years ago. Not how they are now. They have no concept of the changes.
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I took my 90 year old mom with dementia to Vermont from FL to my son’s wedding. She complained the whole time before and during the trip. It was So stressful! I have to say that she glowed during the wedding and had a great time; although she had many moments of confusion. But just the other day, I asked if she liked the picture I sent of us at the wedding, and she asked, “Who got married?” Do you really want to put yourself and your dad through that kind of stress only for him to forget you did it?
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Your dad's health and safety come before your family's priorities. If family members want to see him, they can come visit (and stay at a hotel). Dementia isn't a cold, it's not a slight inconvenience, it's real, it's permanent, it's debilitating, degenerative and difficult and apparently none of them have a clue how to deal for even one day with what you deal with every day. Be as polite as you can, but stand your ground. To be honest, if you can get them to stop "pushing him" for a visit to them, he is liable to forget about it in a few days, anyway..... And yes, get input from his doctors. I have serious doubts that any of them would think this is a good idea and would give you the solid information you need to (hopefully) convince your family.
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