Hello everyone. I’ve spent countless hours reading through articles on this forum. I have found this community to be exceptionally knowledgeable, helpful and simply a good group of folks. As a first time poster, I’m hoping you might be able to offer me some advice. I’ve updated my profile with details about my situation but will also include a summary here. I grew up in a narcissistic family. Mom (75) is a covert malignant narcissist. Dad (86) is the kinder of the two, but the Enabler, always defending my mother to keep the peace. My Golden-Child (possibly a covert narc) sister (50) is a Mooch - talented, smart, capable, but a mooch. In fact, she’s been mooching off the family for most of her adult life. I got sucked into her woe is me act for 14 years and finally cut her off financially. This is key because it ties in with the issue. My parents have made a lifetime of bad financial decisions. Neither me nor my sister are POA (I am not throwing my hand up for this role, nor do I want it). My parents don’t have much savings, if any. They live on SS and live in a house that is falling apart. Over the years, I’ve offered to buy them a house, twice, make numerous repairs, set up an investment account for them for their ‘elder care,’ offered up long-term healthcare insurance and the list goes on and on. My mom takes any offer of help or any kind gesture and weaponizes it against me so I’ve finally just decided to quit putting my face in front of her foot. So, here they are, little to no money, a busted house, no longterm healthcare insurance and now, my Dad is having health issues, specifically with walking. After a full MRI and some research, it appears that he’s got Vascular Parkinsonism. He’s had chronic high BP and high Blood Sugar for years. I’m fairly certain the High BP is directly caused by my mother but I digress. I learned that these two things can lead to the VP but we won’t have an official diagnosis until next month (September 2026). Unfortunately, my mooching sister will likely impact getting Medicaid for my Dad when they do their 5-year look-back audit, at least, that is what I understand. This means getting in-home care will be delayed based on the penalties unless I cover the costs. My mother has stated that she refuses to do any caregiving for my father which is infuriating since he’s taken care of her for most of her life. She refuses to leave the house and won’t drive even though she CAN drive. My parents are about a 30-minute drive from me and my sister so we are close. After reading many stories about caregiving, I’ve decided I won’t be moving my father or my mother into my house, not ever. I’m not keen on showing up for two people who weren’t there for me and I’m at peace with this decision. I don’t mind covering some of the costs for my father but I realize that this can get very expensive. That said, my husband and I are both retired, no kids. We’ve worked hard to save up a nest egg which includes funds for our own elder care. I don’t want to burn through our savings to financially support either of my parents. My sister is no help so I’m the only one who can afford it. At this point, my Dad can shuffle around the house but since this is progressive, I know he will get to a point where he can’t move. He’s got full cognitive function so that is good. I’m thinking ‘in-home’ help is what will be needed in the near future. What are some of my options to cover the costs? Is it too late to pay for long-term healthcare insurance for him? Are there other options outside of Medicaid? Has anyone else run into this kind of situation? I would love some advice. Thank you!
You do have to be careful because Medicaid has a 5 yr look back. If your to sell his house or even car, they must be sold at market value.
If no one wants POA, then the State can step in when your parents need LTC. Lets say Dad is hospitalized and its found he now needs 24/7 care and no one is willing to do it, then the State takes over and places him.
My sister passed in 1996. She was intellegent and had a well paying job. But she was lousy with money. She would have been 73 now and I wonder where she would be if she had lived. My parents are gone and lived from SS check to SS check. My DH and I are older and retired. We could not support her nor could I have lived with her. You really need to sit down with your Sister and explain if something happens to Dad, Mom loses about 1/3 of their Social Security. She will only get what Dad received, hers drops off. Same with Dad if Mom passes, Moms SS stops. She can't depend on them forever. And now your retired, you will not be supporting her.
Thank you for the tip on Medicaid. That puts my mind at ease a little bit. Your sister sounds like mine. At one point, she was an interior designer and one of three people responsible for designing the largest casino in the world, the Venetian in Macau. Right now, she’s got a 4.0 in school as she’s about to graduate and get her Masters, yet… She can’t get a job? Like your sis, she too is lousy with money, like getting DoorDash using mom and dad’s SS money. I don’t know how she can keep taking their money with any kind of conscience which is why I think she may have picked up some narc tendencies from mom. I keep telling myself that I’m doing my sister a favor by not giving her money. She won’t learn until she’s forced to learn. It’s a sad thing that some people have to hit rock bottom before they figure things out. The last time I told her “no” she asked me if I was trying to “teach her a lesson” like her situation was my fault. Sometimes I feel like I was adopted because I’m nothing like anyone in my family.
I am sorry to hear you lost your sister at such a young age. That kind of loss never stops hurting. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for taking time to respond to me. I appreciate you and everyone here who gave me some sage advice. I’ve felt a little stuck with this current situation. It’s nice to have the support of some good people here.
"We’ve worked hard to save up a nest egg which includes funds for our own elder care. I don’t want to burn through our savings to financially support either of my parents. My sister is no help so I’m the only one who can afford it."
There is an error here: you cannot afford it. You have carefully earned and saved money which you absolutely need. If you spend your money on personality disordered people who made the worse choice at every juncture you're not helping them, you're enabling their bad choices while making a bad choice for yourself. Care for yourself and your husband, your top two priorities.
And I want to add a random note just as something to think about, in case it applies to your situation. What often happens if the primary abuser/personality disordered person passes first is their formerly agreeable enabler spouse steps right into the role of center of the universe. Not saying that would be your dad, but enabler spouses aren't victims after 50 years, they're where they have chosen to be.
First off, I welcome the ‘nitpick’ so thank you. You bring up two very good points that I had not considered. You are right. If I start supporting my dad financially, that will definitely impact our elder care. Secondly, while dad is the ‘nicer of the two’ he’s shown some narc tendencies over the years. You can’t tell him he’s wrong or disagree, oh no. I’m the bad daughter who is disrespecting my father even if I can prove my point. At this stage, I just let him state his opinions and let it go. Thank you for this valuable perspective and for taking time to respond. Much appreciated.
So glad to hear you’ve taken moving them in with you off the table. Good for you! So often on this forum we read of kind, thoughtful, conscientious adult children who grew up in dysfunctional families with difficult, neglectful, absent or just plain abusive parents trying to move heaven and earth for said parents in a futile attempt to make them happy and perhaps also finally obtain the love and approval that was withheld during their childhood. I’m so glad you have insight into the dynamics going on here. That should serve you well as you try to assist them as possible.
Wow, that's a lot.
I think it would be a mistake for you to start financially supporting your parent's care. They are grown adults who have made their own decisions, even if it's not what you would agree with. Their dysfunctional relationship and dysfunctional life is not your problem to solve. I'm so sorry this is causing you any kind of distress or worry. You couldn't solve their problems before and you can't solve it now that it has gotten worse for them. Your help was rejected, and now, here they are.
They will have to figure it out. It may not be comfortable for them. It may be difficult for you to see them go through this. Your sister could maybe help. Haha, just kidding.
You've done well to save up and plan for your own retirement and elder care. It is not fair to your husband to lose his nest egg and future comfort because you feel compelled to give it to your father. And, if you start giving, there will be no end to it. You will be drained dry, financially and emotionally.
It has been advised in this forum that the parent's house should be sold to pay for their stay in long term care. But, I don't think you have any power to make that happen. Let them apply for Medicaid, or try to make it on their own, and accept the consequences whatever they may be.
💯
Thank you for responding. You bring up an interesting question about Dad living separately from mom. That is a possibility and one to consider. As he’s gotten older, my mom tells my sister that he’s getting combative but what I’ve noticed is that she pushes his buttons and he finally ‘reacts’ and she doesn’t like it. He might welcome the break from crazy. That is definitely something to keep in mind. You are also right about in-home health and my mother running off these caregivers. She would likely find some reason to complain.
But I digress. I'm glad you're not going to move your parents into your home. It rarely works well, and it would turn you into their care slave for the duration. The home care option is much more expensive than facility care, and it's difficult to manage. That would fall on you, and it's a full-time job. You need that like a hole in your head! Just NO.
The best plan is to sell their rundown house and get what you can for it. The money from the house pays for a facility where there's specialized care for each of them. A team of professionals handles every need. Parents can be there together - or not. The facility provides transportation for them as well as an onsite medical team, meals, entertainment, a social life, etc. Best of all, your involvement with this dysfunctional mess would be lessened. Your sister would not be involved. The house is off everyone's hands. You visit parents when and if you want.
Start looking at facilities. My husband is in one (dementia), and it's the best place he could possibly be. Professionals know how to handle all types of people, and that makes a big difference. It would be especially beneficial for parents like yours.
Good luck, and I wish you the best.
Thank you for the excellent advice. Duly noted regarding the insurance. I wish they would have let me cover that cost 10 years ago but you know the old saying, wish in one hand and… Anyway, selling the house is exactly what I was considering. The only challenge is getting my mom to sell the house. I’m absolutely certain she would be happy to let my Dad go into a facility and stay in the house by herself. I can’t even begin to tell you how selfish and hateful this woman is and the way she treats my father. It’s abhorrent. Since she’s only 75, she could have many more years to go. I will definitely keep this in mind though. Thank you for taking the time to share. Wishing you a great evening!