I'm afraid my sister is trying to steal all of my mom’s money by being on joint accounts with her. What can I do to protect my mom?

A short answer....from lawyer advice, when I took over for both my parents 5 years ago. I am a lone child. My brother died at 37, so no sibling issues. However, relative to how to deal with parents money, your money, your future, what you give up to be a caregiver that may affect the rest of your life. My parents lawyer said, right in the beginning....you never, ever use your own money to provide care for your parents. You do not give up your job, income, retirement, future security, relationships with husband, children or anything else, and he definitely encouraged me to take out a caregiver's salary. I refused, because my parents had plenty of assets at the time. I was retired already, so the income issues for me did not not apply. I sort of felt at the time, since I was the sole recipient of whatever was left, what was the point trying to take any up front, if I didn't need it. HOWEVER, at that point in time, I had NO IDEA how hard the job would be, how time consuming various parts were, how frustrating dealing with my parents, who had, financially planned all things out very well ahead of time...trust, poa, wills, wishes ...all done up nice in a tidy little book with the lawyer all paid for for the rest of their lives....and a few hundred thousand in investments plus the house, cars and RV on the side. I thought it would be smooth sailing. AND...to be clear, I lived out of town and never did take on 24/7 care. I was a coordinator of care and handler of resources, and I still felt like I was going to die sometimes. All went fairly well with my parents, until it became clear they needed either helpers to stay in the home, or they needed to consider memory care or assisted living out of the home. Brakes went on, attitudes came out big time, fights ensued. NO strangers in their home. I and our daughters....as family, would be the only helpers allowed. No one lived in town with my parents at that point. Parents fighting with ea other as Dad's dementia got worse. He was the head of the house and always took care of Mom, so none of her reminding about missing bills, meds, lost items etc were going to be acceptable to him. Only me on the phone would be seen as a resource. I was traveling 5 hours every couple weeks, and staying for 3-4 days to help, do MD appts, fix things, find things, organize things, create stability, meet with attorney, plan for future stuff. Eventually Dad had to be forcibly removed from home and ordered into Memory Care. Then the money started to flow out of all accounts. I had to plan how to prepare for eventual Medicaid approval, with 'spend downs' and look backs and all that, and understand how the estate gets saved for the left spouse in the home, but how certain financials MUST be done in the right way or Medicaid would not be approved or would be delayed due to gifting punishments. Again, I was told....set up checking accounts for trust and POA...and do not mix money. Once Dad was approved for medicaid (after spending down nearly $100,000 in investments), then his money had to be in totally separate account from Mom's money too....to ensure that his money only spent for him, and that he never had more than $2000 in assets in that checking account. Mom, showing signs of Alzheimer's herself, needing caregivers...refusing help, being a stinker....complaining about all aspects of Dad's care in his facility which was very nice, but not to her perfections. We got to where we were paying almost as much for 6 hrs/day of caregivers for Mom, so she could visit Dad and get to drs and food shopping, but not drive herself.....almost as much as assistive living would cost. BUT, I did not want to separate them, so we considered moving both together to an AL in my town....VERY hard to coordinate. We considered moving both to daughter's in WA, where they lived on a sm farm and wanted both of them, but hard to move those with dementia for fear it will get worse, due to changes, and Mom refused to leave being around me. Obstacles at every turn, until Dad fell, got worse, and died at 93. Then, a few months grieving for Mom and lawyer told her we had to sell the house and she had a month or so to find an AL by me that she chose. I was never able to take Mom or parents in with me, because at my age, with my own health problems, I already had a hubby with early Parkinson's and even though a retired RN, I just could not sign on for having 3 patients and care for myself....so moving in our home was never part of the plan. Did my best. Had lots of support from two daughters, though both of them also out of town. But I would use parents money and fly them in for crises situations. Seems like, every time I had an application deadline, there would be a fall, hospitalization, sickness, whereby I couldn't meet financial deadlines and still be there with the parent in need. VERY HARD times...with NO caregiving at all! And no one fighting with me over anything....just trying to help. My end.....Mom came here, lived in AL for a year...fell, broke a leg, rehab for 3 months, never adjusted and still unhappy even though she had me at her side for 4-6 hours daily. I started with more health problems due to stress. NOW...as of October, Mom has finally moved and on her own asked to live with the granddaughter in WA state on the farm, while I was getting work ups....and I find myself with all works ups normal, til the last one....a lung tumor that must come out at 72 years old! Not CA, thank you GOD....but seems the end result of the years of constant stress on me. And, finally....last bit of advice.....why do any of us children start out with this thinking about 'our inheritance'? Our parents saved this money all their lives...a little, a lot....whatever they were able to plan....it's is ALL THEIR MONEY until the day they die. We should all be expecting to use ALL that money, if needed for their care and needs until the day they die. If there is extra then, that is where a family should start looking at 'inheritance'. But we don't neglect parents in order to get inheritance. And, I am of the opinion, that who ever does the 24/7 care....IF they've put themselves in a position where the rest of their own lives could be affected, they need to get that caregiving salary right up front, so they can still save, and invest, and handle their own needs and their own health care. Other siblings who cannot or do not want to help, simple get to look at the left overs after death....period. Of course, others can help. Duties could be split, people out of town can do internet research and drum up support ideas and be supportive. And it absolutely infuriates me that there could be any children who would quit visiting and staying in touch with their parents during this end of life stuff. I mean, if one is unable to maintain even a polite, regular visiting relationship with a parent, then don't dare come out of the woodwork in the end looking for your 'inheritance'! I don't much care what the issues were. My parents were not perfect. My Mom was somewhat abusive when we were little. Life was not always happy. But when you come to end of life, all you have is family. Yes, I am sure that some have totally burned their bridges by bad actions earlier....but whereever possible, I believe an elderly person should die with family around, knowing that people cared that they lived. Dementia has nothing to do with it, because we all feel love, safety and caring inside our souls. So, summary.....if you are just starting out....consider an elder care attorney and getting things set up right. Do NOT use your own money or endanger your own future if you elect to be the caregiver. If you are not the caregiver, then please find a way to support and be a good family member, and do not expect to end up with everything 'even steven' as to financial decisions. If one person is the caregiver and one person controls the money, there absolutely CANNOT be any fighting or control over money. IF you cannot be on the same team, then get a third party guardian to handle money. The caregiver needs to get what ever is needed to get the job done, without fighting for it. Life is hard enough doing 24/7 care. If there is strife among everyone.....it's sad, but better to let them all go, and be the lone caregiver with all the control in your hands. Find your other resources and give it all to GOD. Better peace for your parent/LO and health left over for you in the end. And NO ONE talks about inheritances until all have died and there are resources left over. This is all THEIR MONEY til then. Bad enough that they desired you to have an inheritance and was not ever counting on the enourmous medical costs that come with elderly end of life issues.....but the government (meaning other tax payers) doesn't it owe it to anyone to get it all for free, to ensure the 'inheritance' for family members. May not seem fair, but no one promised that life would be fair.....

I have just had my brother and sister n law accuse me of "embezzling" my mom's money(which is not much per month although they think it is.) My mom added me to her checking accounts because she was forgetting to pay bills and Also she was ordering things from catalogs donating money she didn't have to charities, odering books, magazines Etc. Etc. and every month she was overdrawing her account. Well it took me months to try to get these monthly drafts off her account for these charities and I am still trying to pay her bills off. I actually paid off some of her bills with my credit card and had a talk with her and told her I was paying the bill from her account since i had to use my card to pay off her bills. She has a room fool of things she ordered and just never paid for. Well now my brother says I stole her money by using it to pay the monthly bill on the credit card that I used to pay of her debt. His wife accused me of opening credit cards in moms name---which is so easy to dispute because moms credit is ruined and she couldnt qualify for one. Now the twist of this is I was living another state while they were supposed to be watching and taking care of her. I was away for 4 years living in Wyoming and while I was away my mom started ordering all the stuff and donating to charities and spending spending ! When I came back home I went to see my parents and was disgusted --my moms room was a hoarders dream. It was horrible. I ask my brother and sister -n-law why was it like that....her reply I didnt know about it ---You live right beside them, your kids stay down there alot and you expect me to believe you didn't know about it. Well to go on, i tried to help her have gotten accused of stealing money, guns. While all along these two sorry people got my illiterate Dad and uncle to sign the house and land over to them many years ago. My dad thought he still owned everything ---so obviously they did not explain to him what he was doing or he didnt know what he was signing. I dont know what to do at this point, because my sister n law did the same thing to her own sister accused her of taking her moms money, jewelry and whatever. There is a pattern of these people accusing and causing hurt and pain.

My husband and I gave up two good jobs in a big city to move to her small town to be close. My job here pays $20K less than I was making, and my husband retired early with a reduced pension. We still help our young adult kids, and my mother agreed to help us continue to do that when she begged us to move closer to her. Now that we're here, all she does is panic about money - and it's not like tens of thousands of dollars! Or even thousands! She has a healthy income (thanks to my dad) and a very fat investment fund (thanks to my grandfather) and she still acts like she's broke, and refuses to acknowledge what we gave up to be near her. She makes me wish I had my old life back, but given her health issues, that's not possible. She was literally coming out of anesthesia recently and as soon as she was conscious started talking about her "financial hole." I'm on her bank account and my out-of-town sister is supportive of us, but my mother hits the panic button about every day. I'm at my wit's end with her. Seriously, folks, no good deed goes unpunished.

You are partially correct about annuities in that they pay out earnings over the term of the contract, but you are wrong in your assertion that the premium stays with the insurance company after the term is over. It is then returned to the annuitant, less any fees. If the annuitant dies before the maturity date of the annuity, their principal which was paid up-front is returned to their estate, less a hefty early-surrender penalty, which can be 20% or more. I don't think anyone would be dumb enough to invest $500k up front at the age of 80 on the gamble that they would live long enough to reach the maturity date (the ones she bought were a 7 yr and a 10 yr term) if they knew all their paid-in funds would be forfeited once they died. But there are very large commissions paid up-front to the broker at the time an annuity is purchased. I estimate the bank financial "advisor" that sold the 2 annuities to my mom made at least $40k on the sale immediately, so there is a big incentive for them to hard-sell to the elderly. I have even heard of annuities being sold to clueless elderly people and the seller listing himself as the sole beneficiary! But in our case I think my sister was listed as the beneficiary since none of the rest of us were asked for our social security numbers to be listed on the beneficiary page of the document. Also my mom had me read the two annuity documents and I never saw a beneficiary page on either one. So I think my sister may be keeping those hidden until our mom passes away, just in case one of us were to discover it beforehand.

To answer your last question, Churchmouse, the reason I think my sister is planning to keep all of the inheritance for herself...I don't know where to start, but suffice it to say that my brother and I will be very surprised if she doesn't. I don't want to write a book here, but just like I wouldn't assume to know more about your siblings than you do, and I wouldn't expect that you would know more about mine than I do. The fact that she is being so secretive and controlling of our mother's finances is just one red flag that has been raised. Another red flag: after my dad died my mom and sister asked me to sign up to be limited agent on my mom's Vanguard fund account which was held in a trust, so I could keep an eye on it. It had funds of about $600k at the time. Then my sister set it up to have her joint account with our mom as the account attached to the investment account - so any redemption of shares would funnel in to their joint account. This would be a slippery way to funnel all the funds out of the Trust and into my mom and sister's joint account, making the funds 100% my sister's and my mom's property. Once my mom died the funds would be 100% belonging to my sister. So I would be the one making the transfers at my sister's request - into her joint account with our mom. If I ever accused her of pilfering all the funds from the Trust, she would be able to point the finger at me, as I would be the one that initiated the transactions. Then when I caught on to that scheme and revoked my limited agent designation, they together visited an attorney and had the Trust dissolved, and none of the other siblings know anything more about her financial matters beyond that point. My brother and I are pretty sure my sister got half of a $275k insurance settlement that my mom got. My mom slipped and told me she got $275k forgetting that she had told me and my brother previously that she had only gotten $130k. Soon after my sister got a new kitchen remodel...she makes very little money at her job. The two of them are devious liars, so who knows what the truth is? Those are just some of the clues I have about what my sister has in mind. You sound like you have not dealt with a sociopath - it is a whole different ballgame!!

I thought there might perhaps be some different definition of an annuity in the US so I looked it up:

In the United States, an annuity is a contractually executed, relatively low-risk investment product, where the insured (usually, an individual) pays a life insurance company a lump-sum premium at the start of the contract. That money is to be paid back to the insured in fixed, incremental amounts, over some future period (predetermined by the insured). The insurer invests the premium; the resulting profit/return on investment funds the payments received by the insured and compensate the insurer. Conventional annuity contracts provide a predictable, guaranteed stream of future income (e.g., for retirement) until the death(s) of the beneficiaries(s) named in the contract, or, until a future termination date — whichever occurs first.

So if your sister arranged for the purchase of two annuities for your mother, and they were indeed annuities, she will have done so to provide a guaranteed income for your mother over whatever term the annuities were for. Often, annuities are planned to continue up until the death of the insured person. If your sister wanted to steal your mother's money an annuity is not the way to do it, because the premium invested remains with the insurance company and the fixed income from it goes to the insured - that is, your mother.

With respect, you don't have any right to know what is being done with your mother's money unless your mother has specified in an instrument granting power of attorney that you must be kept informed.

You are entirely wrong to imagine that I don't know what it is like to be excluded from financial management of a parent's affairs. While I was my mother's primary caregiver, she had already drawn up DPOA for finances for my brother and sister jointly. It was a massive pain in the arse, it meant that the people in control of the money had no real understanding of my mother's day to day needs, and it made an already strained relationship with my sister worse.

But it did not lead me to suppose that my siblings were out to take all the money for themselves and leave me penniless. What reason other than evident dislike of her do you have to think your sister is planning to do that to you?

Dibbles123, my brother and I find ourselves in a very similar situation to yours. Our controlling, sociopathic sister is in 100% control of our mother. She keeps us all in the dark about our mom's financial business. Our mom was duped into buying two annuities about 7 yrs ago at the age of 80 - one has since matured and my mother doesn't know what has become of the money she invested, and the other matures in 3 years. She is now 87 yrs old. None of us (except socio sis) know who is listed as beneficiaries on the annuities, which amount to about $500k. We don't know where our mother's proceeds from the sale of her house, car, motor home, etc. have been placed. We don't know where two insurance settlements totalling about $275k have been deposited or invested. We know our mom has about a million+ in liquid (bank accounts) and semi-liquid (investment accounts, annuities) assets. To even ask a question about it makes us look like greedy money-grubbers, which we are not. So we have kept silent for the past several years, but are getting concerned that our mom might be starting into some memory loss and once she is declared incompetent, then everything will be as-is and unchangeable. So we would just like to find out how it is laid out now while our mother can still be involved. Our mother claims she has everything set up to be divided evenly 4 ways in her Will, but she is not smart enough to understand (though I have explained it to her multiple times) that if my sister is the only beneficiary listed on her annuities, then they will go to her 100%. Same thing if my sister is POD on her bank and investment accounts. My problem is my mother trusts lying sociopath sister implicitly and she will be able to claim anything she wants about our mother's estate once she is declared incompetent, particulary after her eventual death. I believe my sister is counting on that.

Churchmouse, I can tell from your questions to Dibbles and Sadson that you can't relate to the situation we are in with being excluded from the financial matters of our parent(s). Just asking a question about a will, trust, bank account, etc. can set off a whole $hitstorm because the one in control is so defensive and protective of their future pot o' gold that they are hoping to have all to themselves. My sister will use the inquiry to remind our mom that we are "greedy and asking about her money", "can't wait for her to die", and whatever other nasty spin she can put on it. There is no good way to approach it, as I have tried but failed over the past few years. I have offered to take responsibility for our mom's financial matters, pay her bills, monitor her accounts, etc. But it never goes farther than talk with my mom, and my sister slams on the brakes as soon as she hears of it. I hate to let her win, but it appears the deck is stacked in her favor.

Your sister cannot alter your mother's will without your mother's consent. You say that your mother is still pretty sharp. Sharp enough to notice if one of her heirs is missing from a new will she's being asked to sign?

Separate out, in any case, things that have to do with the future division of your mother's estate - the 70:30 split; and things that have to do with your sister's acting on your mother behalf as her Financial POA and her medical proxy.

You say that moneys from the sale of the family business was invested and that the investment is due to mature later this year. You are relying on returns from that investment to provide you with a pension. Is there any reason why you cannot ask your sister if this plan is still on track?

Can a POA be set in place via email,through an attorney and my sister who lives with mom?Sister is very sneaky,devious,controlling mom's every move.She has lived rent free,mortgage free,grocery free for at lest 20 yrs.Mom is now 97 yrs old.But still pretty sharp. Just has hard time remembering things.Otherwise very healthy.They live in N.Y.state.Just found out my sister has been giving POA medical proxy etc....She is to get 70 0/0 and I get 30.Some of the $$$'s involved is from a sale of family business that was sold.I worked that business along with a brother whom has since passed last yr.Now mom all of a sudden is getting this paperwork done.The $$ was put in an annuity and matures Oct 2016.I am a beneficiary and afraid sister will change that also.What protection can I take?I believe mom is being told wrong info when signing etc.Its a sick and complicated situation.I have spoken to mom,she said don't worry.Knowing how my sister works I am truly uneasy.That $$ was to be my retirement.Any input would be appreciated.

So… Is it that your mother took out a home equity release type loan - isn't that what is called a reverse mortgage in the States, roughly? - and now your sister is questioning where the money has gone?

my sister has acquired a joint banking account with my mother. She is telling me that my mother is 60K in debt....and that I have spent the money. I do not, nor ever have had, access to her credit cards. I do not have a home equity loan, tho such is on my mothers account. I have no access to these expenses, so cannot even prove they are false. My sister has told my mother that she has dementia, tho I don't see more than a little forgetfulness and has convinced my mother to put her house up for sale well below the area rate. I don't know where to turn to get help

What exactly do you want to do, Sadson? Your sister is making accusations. To take them any further she has to prove them. Presumably your point is that you didn't take or spend any of your mother's money, so how is she going to prove that to anyone who can read a statement?

At the moment what you seem to be wanting to do is prove a negative, that you haven't done anything, which is notoriously difficult to do. The only solution, really, is to get to the bottom of your sister's suspicions - what does she think you have spent, why does she think that - and rebut them. And to do that, you'll need to speak to your sister. Are you certain, for example, that your mother hasn't told your sister something along the lines of 'goodness me, how did that happen, your brother must have done it…'? - and that it's not actually your sister who's being misled?

My sister is on my mother's bank account...and has access to her credit cards. She informs me that mother is in debt...but worse, accuses me of doing the spending. What action could I take to get copies of these expenses that "I" did? I know an annual free credit report would show what I need, but my sister has brain washed mymother so that she believes it....and would not assist my efforts. Is there anything else that legally could be done?

The account can be listed as a "convenience" account. That way, whoever is listed as her assistant,can write checks for her bills,etc. That person will only be able to write checks for paying for expenses,and there will be a record of all transactions. If she does this,then she can list beneficiaries on the account,and they will All be able to share when the time comes. If Mom lists one person as the "Joint owner", then only That person will be able to cash out the entire account at Any time. This would Not be in the best interest of all beneficiaries involved. Talk to the custodian of the bank,and talk to an attorney to see where you stand in this matter,before too much time passes. I hope this answers your concerns.

I can't believe all of you who expect to "Get paid" for taking care of your elderly parent(s). You should all take a step back, and try to remember the sleepless nights when your Mother (Dad too) rocked you,and fed you,and changed your dirty diapers, Drove you to school,the Drs office when you were sick,washed your clothes,packed your lunch,kept you safe,bought you clothes,paid the rent,along with your Dad working and holding up his end of the deal....And after you look back through all the wonderful memories that you made together, you should be ashamed of yourselves for expecting anything in return,except Love,companionship and a smile or two. I would Love to spend more time with my Mother,especially since my Dad has passed,and Mom gets pretty lonely sometimes. If it were Not for my eldest Sister acting Beligerant towards me,I would be there. Whenever she hears that I may be coming to visit my Mom,she yells at my Mom and carries on like a maniac ! At Christmas time she kept me on the phone for almost 4 hrs,doing nothing more than degrading me,and telling me in no uncertain terms that I was "Not welcome in "Her" home". This is the home that my Father purchased after she cried that she couldn't afford her "Mortgage" any more. While she "Promised" to take care of my dad,he passed after malnutrition,dehydration and bed sores ! Now she's living in His house,and does everything she can to keep Mom in the dark about what is going on. It hurts to know after 26+ yrs, My Sister I Love dearly,can't stand me for reasons only known to her. Yes, it hurts : ^ (

my sister and I were joint bank account holders on my moms account. She illegally took cash out over a period of months at several different atm machines, went to Vegas numerous times and deducted funds while gambling my moms money. She was self righteous about spending it. Also, tried to blame ME. Pitted me against my own mother and told her that I stole her money. So i marched my mom to the bank sat with bank manager and pulled up her bank account. The whole while my moms was upset and asked the bank owner where the monies were withdrawn and who withdrew the money. Well since I had NO atm card or check book in my name or possessiion, it was obvious WHO DID. My mom was in a state of shock yet she still believes after all that was proven in the bank, that my sister didnt do anything wrong. My sister caused much damage to our relationship, no trust anymore. She literally exposed herself for being a money hungry bitch! She attempted to put all the blame on me, passed off phoney bank statements to prove there was still money in my moms account. Told me 'whos mom gonna believe' ? Since she was the caregiver to my mom. She has no children and was divorced, was not working full time. I had three children and a high maintenance child afffected with Aspergers syndrome. My plate was full so my sister took my mom in. We also won a wrongful death lawsuit over my dads botch routine colonoscopy. We were awarded a litle over 450k. after attorneys fees we each divided the funds. A short time later, she approached me for the other half of the money to take care of moms needs. Being that my dad just died, i thought it was in the best interest of my mom. I signed my share 150k over to my sister. She spent that along with the sale of my moms home. She fraudalently took my car and slammed it into a tree, settled with a lump sum of 600k only after several years on disability till 75 and receiving 5000k per month from her monthly statement of previous employment. She staged it perfectly, only after she filed and paid for a disability insurance policy did she stage the car accident. I dont know about all the previous comments above but I smell a few RATS and they are not telling you the WHOLE story. Once a CON always a CON!

my sister and I were joint bank account holders on my moms account. She illegally took cash out over a period of months at several different atm machines, went to Vegas numerous times and deducted funds while gambling my moms money. She was self righteous about spending it. Also, tried to blame ME. Pitted me against my own mother and told her that I stole her money. So i marched my mom to the bank sat with bank manager and pulled up her bank account. The whole while my moms was upset and asked the bank owner where the monies were withdrawn and who withdrew the money. Well since I had NO atm card or check book in my name or possessiion, it was obvious WHO DID. My mom was in a state of shock yet she still believes after all that was proven in the bank, that my sister didnt do anything wrong. My sister caused much damage to our relationship, no trust anymore. She literally exposed herself for being a money hungry bitch! She attempted to put all the blame on me, passed off phoney bank statements to prove there was still money in my moms account. Told me 'whos mom gonna believe' ? Since she was the caregiver to my mom. She has no children and was divorced, was not working full time. I had three children and a high maintenance child afffected with Aspergers syndrome. My plate was full so my sister took my mom in. We also won a wrongful death lawsuit over my dads botch routine colonoscopy. We were awarded a litle over 450k. after attorneys fees we each divided the funds. A short time later, she approached me for the other half of the money to take care of moms needs. Being that my dad just died, i thought it was in the best interest of my mom. I signed my share 150k over to my sister. She spent that along with the sale of my moms home. She fraudalently took my car and slammed it into a tree, settled with a lump sum of 600k only after several years on disability till 75 and receiving 5000k per month from her monthly statement of previous employment. She staged it perfectly, only after she filed and paid for a disability insurance policy did she stage the car accident. I dont know about all the previous comments above but I smell a few RATS and they are not telling you the WHOLE story. Once a CON always a CON!

Here's a question for you.

If your sibling is a narcissistic screw up who can't do anything right, who isn't "stable" as you put it, what does it say the "stable ones" who leave their beloved parents' care up to such a person? It seems to me that the real problem here is that the parents' money is being used to care for the parents and to provide the essentials for the sibling who, contrary to what you said, truly is the responsible and caring one.

After all, if the sibling really was a danger to the parents, the other siblings would have helped or taken the job over themselves if they truly did love their parents, wouldn't they? They wouldn't want their parents in danger, would they? And yet, they've been content to leave the responsibility of their parents all on the shoulders of someone they trash, haven't they?

Uh huh.... It seems to me that some siblings think that they can get away with doing nothing except criticizing, but it just doesn't work that way.

Actually, most of the time, narcissistic family members who refuse to help, who claim to have their lives together and choose not to help, are the ones who show their true colors. What they lack emotionally shines right through all the garbage that they think will absolve them of any responsibility for the care of their elders and their elders take notice, believe me.

The sibling who actually is there, who does the work and who gets their hands dirty, isn't undermining anyone or anything because they're too doggone busy handling and doing what ALL of the siblings should be helping with. They're not the screwups in the family. On the contrary, they're the ones who are the dependable ones. It's the ones who can't be bothered to do anything except demand that their sibling be accountable to them that have the emotional and mental issues that keep them from being there for their parents.

People, I would like to add the sad fact that their ARE unscrupulous siblings that are involved in the "caregiving" role who slowly over time leverage this to their selfish narcissistic advantage. It always starts innocently enough... The other stable siblings have busy family lives with kids , work, etc,, and the elder parents still have the screwed up son/daughter living with them. A stupid decision is made by one of the parents ( usually an enabler to the screwed up son/daughter ) that the caregiver should be none other than the screw up. A role that is mistakenly believed will be good for everyone under this dysfunctional roof. This privilege soon becomes the catalyst for more dysfunction as the normal siblings get harassed and made to feel uncomfortable upon visits to the elderly parents. The older Mom & Dad get, the realization that they are not up to the harassing or fights with other siblings and the "Good" children who mean well are asked to leave ( to keep the peace ) pretty much to stop the tantrum-like behavior from the screw-up. Methodically the screw up now has Mom & Dad's ear 24/7 who soon is convincing them both that the other siblings are troublemakers who don't love you as I do...while behind the curtain like the wizard themselves they only are fixated to seize control of the family fortunes and demonize all other siblings as uncaring or no longer worthy of being part of the inner family circle. BEWARE!!! If the enabler parent dies first,, It is very likely that the remaining elder parent has nothing.

farishta,

This is a difficult situation, and unfortunately, having an attorney’s advice and representation is critical. You should involve the local police department or sheriffs department where your mom lives if: You are sure your sister’s actions are fraudulent or unlawful, you are sure your mother agrees, and you are convinced there is no other way to resolve things. See if they have an elder abuse or elder crimes division and contact them. Have specifics and concrete evidence if possible- such as if your sister went directly against wishes expressed by your mom, or if things she purchased with your mom’s money are obviously for her own purposes.

farishta,


This is a difficult situation, and unfortunately, having an attorney’s advice and representation is critical. You should involve the local police department or sheriffs department where your mom lives if: You are sure your sister’s actions are fraudulent or unlawful, you are sure your mother agrees, and you are convinced there is no other way to resolve things. See if they have an elder abuse or elder crimes division and contact them. Have specifics and concrete evidence if possible- such as if your sister went directly against wishes expressed by your mom, or if things she purchased with your mom’s money are obviously for her own purposes.

My mother and father had a will. When my father died my mother adopted my daughter. My mom said she destroyed the will because my half sister didn't want my daughter to get anything. She left TOD on her home and car to my little brother with a letter saying do divide it equaly between all her children. My mom had stoke. My brother and half sister locked everyone out of home. My sister took her check book and used it. I did not have money to get lawyer, but my sister took my out of my moms account to hire one and get conserveritor. Now whe want's to go in my mom's house this next week and take things and sell house. She wants me to show up and givve me what she thinks I should have and sign paper. Also she is gving my daughter nothing. My dad never adopted her but yet she feels she is owed everything from my mom and dad's estate. Beside getting lawyer (which I can't afford) is there anything I can do?

Mayasbop,

You are so right. Unfortunately most people are people. You seem to have a good heart and put your mother's needs first. Too many people do not. Some caregivers are like your family and position themselves to take advantage. Think if your siblings and niece/nephews were the caregivers, not you, and though they may be there for your mom, they also help themselves to your mom's money, that wouldn't be a good situation for anyone. Not all caregivers are like you. People unfortunately will justify in their heads the most egregious behavior. Your mom is lucky to have you but in too many family situations, if the parent knew what their children were doing, it would be the ultimate disappointment.

The problem with siblings who say that they will help and aren't actually around to do any of the WORK that comes with caregiving is that they just want to make decisions from a distance, even as their sibling does it all. They don't really want to get their hands dirty with the actual day to day of caregiving.

I have a sibling who is an LPN who thinks that she should only have to issue orders to me and not do a doggone thing when it comes to actually caring for our mother. After all, she's an LPN. Uh huh. And she pitched a fit and left when she was reminded of the fact that Mama was her mother too and that she wasn't exempt from doing the work since she wanted the authority. That was two and a half years ago. She hasn't been seen or heard from since.

You know, someone can visit, but unless they're around to actually do the work for longer than a few days, they're not really anything more than a visitor, are they? They don't live there, nor do they want to, because if they did, they'd have already done something about lessening the distance between them and their elder. What siblings who aren't around and available don't seem to get is that sometimes decisions need to be made quickly, instead of playing phone tag for hours while the elder waits and waits and waits for siblings to be found and a consensus formed as to what to do. Here's a clue --- elders don't have the time or energy to do that.

And as far as POA goes, meaning both medical and durable, the one who is actually there is the one who should have it, period. They should have it because the responsibility is literally on their shoulders, not on the ones who live far away. And yes, if you want the power, you need to do more than pick and choose when you'll make yourself available to actually help. Your brother shouldn't even have to ask if you will help. You should already be planning when you'll go and do your share, because unless you're doing that, you're simply hacked off at not having the legal authority. You can't demand to have that you have that power, but stay at a distance. It just doesn't work that way.

You know, the ones who choose to live away from their elders need to stop and think about their own choices and how they've affected the situation with their elder before they blame either their elder or their caregiver sibling. And they should thank God for the one who HAS stepped up to the plate and taken it all on and stop griping about whose name is on the paperwork, especially if they continue to choose to live away from their elder.

My own siblings don't see how easily our parent gives out of breath, nor are they at the ER in the middle of the night. They aren't the ones dealing with wet to dry dressings on an open incision, nor do they have to deal with the stench from an infection. They're nowhere around to do anything that would actually help, so why in the world would our parent give them authority to do anything when they don't even care enough to come when she's alive and could enjoy even a small visit? Shoot, since they all have real lives according to them, my mother could die waiting for them to return a phone call if she had to depend on them to make decisions. Their OWN actions have dictated the decisions that have been made, not our mother's or mine. It would have been lovely if they'd helped, but they didn't.

As far as sharing information goes, my own siblings really don't want to know the details about anything except what they'll get when she dies. I've tried many times to tell them, only to have them scream at me for daring to interrupt whatever they were doing at that moment. And since they didn't seem to get the gravity of the last hospitalization and the open incision (9"long, 3"wide, 4"deep) that she came home with, I took pictures of that very incision and e-mailed the pictures to those very same siblings.

I timed the e-mail to hit right after lunch. I figured that maybe if they tossed their lunch as I've done dealing with an open and infected incision, maybe they'd get a real clue as to how close we came to losing her and make an effort. They've called to hit our mother up for money several times since, but they never want to talk either to or about what is going on with her. One can only conclude that they just are selfish pigs who aren't interested in anyone but themselves.

concernedtoo, as a sibling who is far away also, I 100% agree with you. I can not help that my husband lost his job 20 years ago and we had three small children to feed. My Mom never forgave me (at least that is the story I have heard from various people). Now my brother has complete control and when I say it should be 50/50, Mom says "well you live in Florida". Like I can't ever come home? But my brother did tell me that we would take care of her 50/50.
Really, is that how this thing works? One has complete control and dictates to the other what she will or will not do? Doesn't sound like a recipe for harmony.

I agree concernedtoo, that things should be open, feelings considered and siblings included. It would go a long way in making everyone feel respected and being more open to helping with the situation.

If sibling would help siblings and share information, alot of work for the lawyers would disappear. But that is just not going to happen from what I see.

I've seen way too many people complaining about their inheritance being taken when in fact, they should be concerned about their elder and the care that they need. People who worked and saved deserve more their share of care, whether there is anything left at the end for their children or not. After all, their children are supposed to be adults themselves, fully capable of providing for their own futures. They're not supposed to be worried about whether they inherit anything. They're supposed to be worried about their elder's having what their elder needs as long as their elder lives.

My own mother gets one hundred percent of her needs and ninety-nine percent of her wants regardless of whether there is anything left for anyone else to inherit. She earned her pensions and she has the right to use them for her own needs. She doesn't owe any of her children, including myself, a doggone penny.

And when we moved, it actually reduced the amount of miles that her two youngest would have to travel to see her down to a mere third of what it had been before we moved.

Just so you know....

If, as you say, your sibling refuses help and will not discuss the finances, I'm wondering how you can be so specific with the amounts. How did you come to that conclusion? If she's POA, how did you gain access to that information?

And the issue is not that my siblings have taken advantage of me. I've already offered to sign an affidavit signing away any right to any part of my mother's estate just to shut the mouths of those who think that their inheritance is being taken from them. It's the fact that their mother means so little to them, but her possessions are already theirs in their eyes that bothers me so much. She's very much alive and she's fully able to make her own decisions. It's not her brain, it's her body that gives her fits.

Imagine how she feels when the only time any of them seem to know her phone number is when they want something. It's not just her own children, but her grandchildren as well. Funny how when she was working and spending freely on them, they came and fawned over her. And then, when her health failed and she didn't have that income level any longer, they all ran.

Guess who got the responsibility of straightening it all out? Yours truly did and it took years to do it. Not a dime came from anyone to help, either. And when I moved us to be closer to my dad's family so that she would have more than just me, we found out that I must have done something right by taking over the bill paying. We didn't have ANY deposits required for anything because her credit is excellent now. It was a nice surprise.

It seems that people are people aren't they and maybe they just can't help it. Your situation is, at the heart of it, the same. Bottom line, one way or another, most people take care of themselves like your siblings not wanting to help because they only have their own interests at heart. Not all who take care of their parents are doing it with the good intentions you have. Too many do it for other selfish financial reasons. That's the situation in my family where the sibling responsible doesn't want the help, wants to maintain control, does not want to account for the money and over half the money is gone but in a relatively short period without reasonable explanation (it is a sizeable amount, almost half a million over a 3.5 year period w/out major medical expenses).

I am so sorry that you are being taken advantage of by your siblings. It is so painful when you finally come to recognize that "family" is not what you thought and maybe that's really a naive concept anyway.

One can hope for karma or pursue legal action and hope they land in jail for those who decide outright theft is somehow justifiable. In your situation though, what recourse do you have; maybe only the satisfaction that you helped another human being make it through one of the most difficult stages of life, and not just anotherr human being, but a mother whom you love dearly.

I wish all the best for you and hope that somehow you will be blessed for your honorable deeds and loving care you've given your mom.

Yeah, right. Siblings can do much at a distance? Um, not from where I sit. Distance is one of their excuses for why our mother's care is ALL on me. They don't want to help, don't want to contribute anything that might give me a break, and yet even their children feel like they have the right to demand an accounting. I've done the best I could in my own situation to be as transparent with her finances as I can, but there is a limit to what one person should have to do, especially when the ones who do the most whining are the ones who always want money that just isn't there any longer because it's ALL being spent on my mother's needs, as it should be.

I'm not the oldest, I'm the exact middle. And I have loved my mother enough to do what needs to be done. I've done it knowing that it would cost me my own future. I've done without what I needed, I lost my job because she could no longer be left alone, I lost any health care I had at an age when having it can make or break how long I'll actually draw a breath on this earth and I can't imagine ever being able to retire.

Because I love my mother, I've stuck it out with her through more than I can say for nearly two decades while my siblings and their children went on their merry ways. It's always pointed out to me that they all have lives and I don't, so it's all on me. You know, maybe I'd have had more in my life if they'd have done their fair share, but pigs are more likely to begin to fly than that ever happening now.

I'm sorry, but the thought of someone who does nothing to help with the day to day and considers a phone call to be a big deal just hacks me off. Of course, you won't be able to stop them from backing up a truck to carry her belongings off.

Funny how that works. They don't have even one spare moment even once a month to even send an e-mail, but they'll make time to take what they consider to be rightfully theirs. That four hundred mile trip won't be such a huge imposition when they're coming to get her antiques and her china.

Personally, I think that unless you're willing to shoulder some of the actual responsibility or you're willing to hire someone on your own dime to help the one who is doing the caregiving of your elder keep building their own future, you've lost any moral high ground you might have had to demand accountability from anyone. I personally stress over buying a ten dollar pair of shoes, because I never know what else is coming that my mother needs, even when I'm to the point of literally wearing the soles through the ones I have. The vast majority of caregivers aren't getting rich off their elders. No, they're stressing over even pennies to keep their elders going and giving their elder everything that they have to give, even if it costs them everything, including their health and future, to do it.

I know because I make that decision when my own health seems to be failing. I know I need to go to the doctor myself, but finances don't allow it and even if they did, the ones who always keep themselves at a distance wouldn't allow it either.