Should I be calling the nursing home every day to check up on my dad's status?

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Should I be calling the nursing home every day to check up on my dad's status?

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Karsten, we are dealing with this scenario as I type. We placed both of our parents with Alzheimer’s in memory care last weekend. We were asked to not visit for a week to allow the folks to acclimate. Being the concerned daughter and their former 24/7 caregiver, I wanted reassurance that the folks were ok. My parents can’t use a phone on their own nor do much of anything else on their own including self care. Obviously I didn’t want to tick off the CNA’s but wanted to know how the folks were doing. Anyway, after I made the first call, I realized I’d made a mistake. It was like sending your kid off to preschool and coming back for one more goodbye. It just upset all parties involved. Since the folks have no short term memory and get confused easily, I decided I’d call the staff every few days instead to see how things are going and just ask to speak with either parent directly to allows the staff member to do his her duties. So far it’s worked out where the staff knows we are an involved family and they are more then happy to pass the phone call on to one of the parents. As for being able to visit in person, if able to do so, I’d recommend that. It gives staff a break from at least one patient and it brightens the secluded life of your loved one. My dad has a combo of dementias and can get violent when agitated so for my family you never know what emotion a visit or an in person encounter will bring. However the times when the folks are able to connect make it worth the visits to see their joy. Same thing happens with phone calls. You hear it in their voice from beginning of call until the end. All this being said, if your dad can still understand you and or communicate, I say yes to daily phone calls

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When my Mom went into a dementia facility THEY called me every morning the first couple weeks to let me know how she was doing. You don’t need to apologize to anyone for being caring and concerned, especially since this is such a recent transition.

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A good facility would not care and would welcome your calls. I used to check on my husband everyday plus visit every other day. They called me alot too. He was a handful. They encouraged me and welcomed my involvement. It's their job to do so.

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What time are you calling? - 30 minutes before & after meals, during meals & when they do the night to bedtime ritual is a bad time as staff are busy doing care - check with them about when is best to make calls - oddly about 2200 [10:00 pm] can be good as things quiten down by then - however it may be time to cut some apron strings because they will call for every issue that you need to know

If you visit regularly then there is no need to call at all unless your LO has been ill or if you have to curtail your visit do to your illness [NEVER VISIT IF THERE IS ANY CHANCE THAT YOU HAVE A VIRUS, COLD ETC. THAT COULD BE SPREAD] - I also call if I'm going to be away for a few days to insure they know where I'll be - I will call today because the denturist who makes house calls will be there at 4:00 & we need her out of bed & awake

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please continue to call. do not worry about the nurses' feelings. I am a nurse ( icu) for 11 years and i never get annoyed when family members called. I love to talk to family and update them with the conditions of their significant others... right now my mom is in the hospital and i called the morning nurse and night nurse. these nurses need to put themselves in other's pp shoes and have some empathy.

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Personally I think you should call as often as you like. If that means every morning do it. You have to do what is best for you and your Dad at this time. You are your fathers advocate. As time goes along, you may not need to call as often but the choice is up to you.

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You may be able to stop calling this frequently after you ascertain that he is being taken good care of.

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As nice as the staff at my mom's community is, I would drive them CRAZY if I called every day. That is especially true if you visit daily or almost daily. Call only when there is a specific problem that you need to discuss with them. I agree with OldBob. I would add that you probably need to work on getting your control needs under control, so to speak. I think I recognize this because I struggle with them, too. :) I want everything to be okay, but I can't make everything okay. I think it's also a reflection of our death-denying culture. We have to confront the reality that we are all going to die -- our parents are also going to die. That's okay. We will miss them terribly, but they are going to die. It's not even true, as Ben Franklin (allegedly) said, that the only things that are inevitable are death and taxes. I have a brother who has somehow gotten away without paying taxes! But death is inevitable. A good death is reflected by acceptance, rather than denial. Your constant calls may well be reflective of your fear of his death, rather than acceptance of reality.

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I'd like to add a response to Monikalabadi. Calling when someone is in the hospital, especially when they are in the ICU, is different than constant calling when someone is in a long term care facility. I agree with Monikalabadi when someone is in the ICU and the family member can't be there. Calling regularly is okay then.

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To the person who says "if your loved one is cognitively impaired to the point they cannot have a conversation with you on the phone, then they certainly can't appreciate your calls" (paraphrased)
They also cannot verbalize any problems they are experiencing either, nor can they verbalize neglect or abuse!!! If you "Love" someone and you are not just getting them out of the way, you must be vigilant about what is going on with their care. Nursing care is no replacement for the love they need. Healing fails when there is no love.
I know this from first-hand experience!
Though I employed the use of an Ombudsman who took me to several nursing facilities before I decided on one, he also told me that patients who do not have family visiting them on a regular basis are more likely to be the victims of abuse.
I found my life got to be hectic an I failed to visit him very often.
I feel major regret and cry every single time I think about my own neglect of my father and not knowing what he may have been going through. He died alone in that nursing home and no one there had anything to say.
It has been over 25 years since his death and when I think about it my gut hurts and I cry and tell him how sorry I am for just putting him somewhere and neglecting him, (which I am certain was the major cause of his decline)

The Truth may be uncomfortable for "some" people but my intentions are meant to help people avoid possible loss and regret. I happen to care about the Aging and NOT just their EMPLOYEES who are PAID caregivers. Why not watch some undercover camera footage of "caregivers" on Youtube? How do you know what goes on when you are not there?

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Some people think that caregivers, nurses, and doctors don't go to work when they have colds or possible viruses, that's hilarious.
Wear a facemask if you think you might have something that could be spread, but LOVE and attention are more important than nursing care. What do they have to "live for" without it?

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My sister was in a nursing home (memory care unit) 600 miles away from me. I called the nurses station on a regular basis to check on her. The nurses also answered the phones when I was calling to speak with my sister. Not once did any of them sound annoyed by me calling. I don't think you are "overly hovering" you are doing what you should be doing for your own peace of mind. Keep calling!!

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Karsten - The nursing home my mother was in before she passed away actively encouraged me to call whenever I wanted to - I then worked out the shift change and called before the night staff went home to find out what kind of night she had - The nurses shouldnt sound "a bit annoyed " at all !!! I was always concerned that they were giving her the best care - its natural - wishing you all the best.

Micky

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I disagree with all of those who say don't call.

First, her dad is in a facility that is not specialized in memory care and he has Alzheimer's, so he may present the staff with challenges they don't see often. Second, it's the first few days, not after he's been there for weeks or months.

The medical staff answering phones run the gamut as far as their attitude, in my experience. I'd say 95% are really nice. A big "thanks so much, I know you are busy, but I just want to make sure he's settling in ok" goes a long way, and avoiding any questions about what the staff did or not do. Instead of "did he get his dinner/take his pills/get a shower" ask if he ate well, or did he give you any trouble with taking his pills today? The suggestions other have made about knowing when shift changes are and avoiding those times are good, as are asking for a call back at their convenience.

After having my dad and uncle in and out of over a dozen facilities, I would most definitely be calling for updates in the first few days. Everyone needs an advocate, but especially those compromised cognitively. I wish facilities had a better way of "on-boarding" new residents and their families.

Karsten, I hope your dad settles in comfortably. He is the "customer" at the nursing home and you are his voice. He's a lucky man to have you looking after him.

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But the OP and family are *visiting* the NH practically every day. Unless there is anything in particular to be said, what is the point of the extra phone call?

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"overly hovering"? Yes and turn off the helicopter.

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Should I be calling the nursing home every day to check up on my dad's status?

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