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Yep, most people find it easier to find fault than offer a helping hand.

This is a situation that only you can decide what is best for you.

Personally I would let the state deal with him. If he can't handle activities of daily living then he needs more care then 1 person can realistically provide, as you yourself can see by how tired you are.

I would rather live in a nursing home than with someone that was sacrificing their happiness to take care of me. I don't want to ever be that kind of burden on my husband, I love him enough to let him go if I was unable to care for myself, but that is me.

I, also could not go have sex with another man and come home to someone that believes that we are in a relationship, nor would I want to have my husband do that to me.
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krisinCO Jul 2020
I’m with you on not wanting someone to be burdened by me. I’m an extremely independent person. My mother and sister both have that personality trait. I say that I don’t want to care for anyone ever again. But I would take care of my mother. Not only because she is my mom, but because of that personality trait. She’s totally the type that we be crawling on the floor down the hall, “mom do you need help?”, “ no, I got it”.

My guy and my father (when he was alive) both (shocker) are people who like to be cared for. They like people to do things for them, more than necessary. I make him do things for himself. That tug of war is highly annoying to us both.

I agree with you on the sex thing. But, I don’t feel like I’m in a relationship...aside from name. I have a guy that can’t dress himself, can’t care for himself, has lost some mental function, we don’t have a physical relationship. I show that I care by dressing him, cooking all the meals, cleaning the house, paying all of the bills including his medications.

I am not fulfilled in this life. I need more. I should be in my prime, living the best life and I’m stuck in this cycle of exhaustion, loneliness, and unhappiness.
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There are people on this forum who took vows ("...in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer...") and still feel the way you do about their caregiving situation. If you don't love him enough to stick with him, then leave. It may be worse for him to know you are only staying with him out of pity and not actual affection. Have you ever thought that after you leave HE may find his independence and someone who accepts him and his challenges (and maybe even loves him!) and it may be a blessing to him if you go. But you can still set up as much help for him as possible before you do. Contact places of worship to get him on their radar for help and companionship and support; let his friends and family know he could use more help, encourage him to join online clubs or do volunteer work within his abilities, etc. You won't be able to have it both ways so pick one and make peace with it. He will need to do the same. Here is an analogy that is somewhat pertinent: I'm an employer. The thing I hate to do the most is fire people, even when they deserve it. But I've had to let some very deserving and loyal people go over the past 30 years due to economic stresses. I horrible-ize it in my mind, I envision their anger, imagine them in the bread line, etc. Almost without exception they've gone on to get BETTER jobs than I could offer them. They are doing great! Was it emotionally, mentally and financially tough at first? Yes. Shocking? Yes. But then the smoke clears and they "righted" themselves and moved forward. If you leave and he doesn't move forward, that's on him -- not you. I sincerely wish you all the best and much wisdom and peace as YOU move forward!
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krisinCO Jul 2020
Well, he would have to leave. It’s my house. He has no money. Which is one of the major issues. He would basically be homeless in a wheelchair. He gets a small stipend. Which wouldn’t cover regular bills. I pay the house payment, the utilities, the food, the insurance for the vehicles, for the animals. Etc.
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