POA has denied me access to my mother's room at the nursing center. Can this be legal?

NO THERE ARE NOT. Its perfectly acceptable not to have visitors before 1 with getting patients up breakfast medicating doctors visits.Its perfectly acceptable to limit your visits to afternoons and leave the evenings for your sister since you can't get on and I think almost all of us feel sorry for her after she has given a home and board to your mother for 30 years and to you for 10 of them and then you turn on her?

YOU are the irregular one; YOU don't understand the work of NHs. If she chokes or holds food in her mouth then of course they will choose pureed food TO PREVENT HER CHOKING HERSELF TO DEATH. Of course they won't tell you of your mums condition THEY ARE NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED TO. YOU however want to flour the rules and the law, have so little regard for their awareness of her condition, that you want to feed her food she mustn't have BECAUSE SHE LIKES IT?????? and think YOU are the right one? - I don't want to hear one more word about it so people I am stepping out. ML Regardless of what you may think you DONT have a clue, and I gauge that from the utterly ridiculous repetitive responses that show you do not understand/will not understand what people who DO know, say.

Ohjude let's get this straight my mother supported my sister for 30 years with her SSA/SSI in a dilapidated building that had so many code violations and no utilities most times as I paid rent and legally could have with held it but instead I stayed and helped my sister who called me from my Hyde Park apt. crying saying she couldn't pay her bills after she never wanted me living in her building before. She had no legal right to collect rent on a dilapidated infested building but she did and I paid it for my Mom's shelter.

ML ~ I am glad that a little of what I and others have said is seeping in and you are trying to take on board what we are saying.
This makes it all the sadder when you do an about turn and go backwards.
If you want to have help and support from people here then you really must stop alienating them.
We all know what happened in the past, now it is truly time to draw a line and go forward. It can not help anyone to keep raking up what happened. You know from my very honest post about my own past that I really do know what I'm talking about.
Your Mum is NOT being hastened to her demise by anyone in NH it pays them to keep her alive at all costs. Each day she lives, more bucks for NH. OK they are not killing her!!
People here truly want to support you, but we are also living with our own pain and we need to read good stuff as well as negative.
For example, I care for my widowed BIL who has dementia and other health issues. Right now he is too frail to leave his home easily and it breaks my heart to know he's slowly slipping away. I am trying to come to terms with my own appalling health issues and my recent diagnosis of my own dementia.
Today I had a lump removed from lymph node under my arm and a biopsy done on another lump in my breast.
I can no longer get out of my flat in my wheelchair on my own unless the weather is hot and sunny, because I'm no longer strong enough to put my warm covers and my waterproofs on alone.
But this is not what I'm sharing with people all the time, neither they or I can live with the constant sadness.
So today at the hospital when the nurse helped me to use the toilet and was surprised to see my feet can't reach the floor (my spine, head, arms and legs are all shrinking). I laughed and swung my legs backward and forward inches off the ground. I told her I was emulating a book I read as a child about a little old lady who used to shrink to the size of a pepperpot. It made her smile.
I chatted to my BIL and persuaded him to look out of the window and see the clouds and the cherry trees across the road just coming into flower. I got him to tell me the latest antics of his 2 cats and shared what my 4 were doing (snoozing for the most part).
I'm frankly distraught about my future, I know there will be a time when everything I care deeply about will no longer matter to me.
I know when that time comes I'll be ok, because I won't remember anything else. Right now though I do know that day is coming.
I'm not spending my today's though dredging up the hurts I've suffered and believe me they would fill several volumes. I'm not being angry/dismissive of other people. If people hurt me I try all the harder to be nice to them. If they are nice to me all the more reason to not burden them with woes they can't fix.
So today on my way home from my procedures we (my lovely Support Worker and I) stopped at the pet shop and bought a beautiful little grey Hamster that I first saw on Fri.
I had my first ever hamster, a little golden boy when I was 10 and there have over the years been many others.
Now little "Grayling" joins my furry family. She may well be my last one but I'm going to enjoy having her in my life whatever her placing.
When I'm not sleeping at night I can watch her rearranging her 3 storey mansion of a home.
Let us know what's happening ML but give us some joy to share not just grief.
I'm sorry that for now I can't answer the comments you raised in your earlier posts, I'll try to later.
My fur babies are sleeping and I should be too :~)

LucyCW thank you for being so experienced with caregiving and people to definitely say, "OK they are not killing her!!" My Mom is struggling harder and harder just to talk, but she wasn't struggling to talk when she was first admitted October, 2014. My joy is that I have you all that are experienced caregivers, but I must be frustrating you with lack of knowledge, but you care enough to "adopt" me, so I am thankful for that and always will be. Good night fur babies.

"My Mom is struggling harder and harder just to talk, but she wasn't struggling to talk when she was first admitted October, 2014."

Your mother has a PROGRESSIVE disease. That means it gets worse over time. That means she is going downhill. That means she will CONTINUE to get worse -- no matter where she is or who is taking care of her. And then she will die from the disease.

What part of this concept is so hard to understand? Have you never known someone with a progressive disease before? Or have you been so self-absorbed all your life that you've never paid attention to sick people before? I can't believe that you are old enough to have an adult son and you cannot grasp the meaning of "progressive disease"!

"They" are not killing her. "They" are not making her worse. That is the nature of the conditions she has.

You have heard from dozens of experienced caregivers who have been or are now dealing with progressive diseases in our loved ones. What on earth reason would we have to lie to you? Why do you want to continue to interact with us when you refuse to take us seriously?

I watched my awesome, sweet, intelligent husband slowly deteriorate for ten years. Then he died. My mother can no longer do several of the things she could do two years ago when she entered the nursing home. We know and accept that she will die. Our goal is not to prevent that -- impossible -- but to do all we can so that she is content and sometimes even happy in the time left to her.

For you to keep nattering on about your suspicions about why your mother is getting worse is not only tiresome, it is insulting to us.

You can say, "My mother is struggling more and more to talk, and I am sad about it." We can relate to that! We have been/are/will be sad as our loved ones lose skills and get worse. We could then say to you, "Oh, I know how that feels. When my dad lost his ability to read the newspaper ..." We could relate to you and share your sadness.

But, no, you are not just sad that your mom's disease is progressing, you are sure it is somebody's fault. And that is just plain paranoid. We cannot share your feelings about that. Sadness? YES! Delusional accusations? NO and NO.

In the 200+ posts on this thread, we have tried MANY TIMES to explain the nature of progressive diseases. And all you want to do is establish blame.

ATTENTION LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-BEAM ME UP SCOTTY!

ML, I've said this before, and I guess you've just disregarded it. I'm not sure why I bother but I'll try one more time.

All people in a care center who have dementia don't go to the "dementia unit." That is primarily for the residents who are in danger of wandering off or running away, or who are disruptive to other residents.

That fact that your mother is not on the dementia floor in her nursing home is nice for her, BUT IT DOES NOT MEAN SHE DOESN'T HAVE DEMENTIA, or that her dementia is severe or isn't progressing. It just means she is not a risk for wandering or disturbing other residents.

My mother's dementia is obviously progressing. She is not on the dementia floor, and most likely never will be. That is just not the nature of her dementia. More than 60% of the residents in many nursing homes (and assisted living, too) DO have dementia but can be cared for along with other residents.

You seem to be in denial about your mother's dementia. But the fact that she is not in the memory care/dementia unit is NOT EVIDENCE that she doesn't have dementia or that it is not severe.

Dementia is a progressive disease. The symptoms of dementia include things like speech impairment and increased mobility problems. If you are thinking that dementia is only about memory loss, you are absolutely wrong.

ML, I did not mean to offend you, so sorry. However, my situation was VASTLY different than yours. Your mother, as you stated, needs SKILLED CARE. That means caregiving by an RN, LPN and aids. My mom did not need skilled care, just someone to cook her meals, bathe her, give her meds, socialization, and help her use the potty. (ADLs). Your mother needs care from a registered, licensed medical team. You said it yourself....SKILLED CARE is nothing anyone can do at home. If my mom did need skilled care, I would have had to put her in a NH. But again, forget about Catholic Charities, they do prayer service which is wonderful, but that is all. Please google skilled care to see what that means. Also, the past is the past and dwelling on family issues, we ALL have messed up families. Shoot, I have an alcoholic brother, a selfish sister whose husband was taking furniture from moms house, while she was alive and I was caring for her (totally inappropriate), and 3 other siblings who were absolutely useless when mom was ill...I could go on. But you know what? I didnt and dont care, my main concern was my moms health..medically and psychologically. If your mother needs SKILLED CARE, the one and only place that gives SKILLED CARE is a nursing home. Please visit her as often as possible and with a smile. When people came to see my mom, I told all of them to leave any negativity outside. Please google 'skilled care' and perhaps then you will realize that it is impossible to give someone skilled care at home, unless you can afford to hire an RN at roughly $45.00 an hour, 24 hrs a day. I cant afford to pay a qualified RN $7K a week. Skilled care is the key here, and why people are trying to help you understand so you can help your mom the best way for her health, and out of love.

ML, you yourself said, that your Mom doesn't remember her Grandson, whom she lived together with you, for yen years. That means, that she does in fact have dementia, to some degree, though you wouldn't know all of this information as you have no access to her medical chart, HIPPA LAWS. Just because she isn't on the dementia floor, doesn't mean she doesn't have dementia! You have no idea how very difficult this would be for you to ever bring her home with you. And in some of your posts, it appears that you intend to keep your job, for a while at least. And if you were to retire early, to care for her, the Only person who you would be doing a disservice to, is yourself! So many people struggle financially because they have a LO, living in their home, thereby cutting down, and into their own future financial security, and who is going to make up the difference, once she has passed, and you ar so beat down by caregiving, that you are unable to ever return to the workforce? Your own Son? Don't count on that! Would you want your child to put his life on hold to care for you? Poll the crouds here on the AC, non of them wish to ever ge a burden to their own children, almost none! As we know exactly what that does to a person, physically, financially and our relationships suffer as well! I'm sure that if your own Mom, were in her right mind, and could think this through and verbalize it to you, she would tell you the exact same thing!

OMG Stacey, I know this thread isnt about me, but you are sooo right on. I am having a helluva time trying to find a job after caring for Mom. My husband and I are struggling $$$, and my resume with the not having 'worked' for 6+ months is not impressive. I have been offered jobs for 1/2 the $ I was making and me being 50 doesnt help, competing with younger, pretty applicants. Sad but true ... ageism in the workforce is alive and well. It really sucks. I used to hate it when people would say to me, "Be glad you have a job", but a truer statement was never spoken. I am lucky my husband is very supportive and was very proud of me when I left to care for my Mom, but now that I am back home wanting to work but cant....is very stressful. I had no idea job hunting would be so hard, but again, no regrets regarding mom.

Or of course you could put brief career break as sole caregiver to xxxxxx duties include: Then list the lot - most employers don't have a clue what we do and let me tell you the list is impressive especially if you have been POA. From start to end the list alone will be over two pages/ some may include:

Liaising with consultants: financial medical and legal
Arranging auditing and monitoring care
Attention to details relating to appointments
Checking reports reviews and ensuring actions are put in place
Researching a variety of care facilities
Managing day to day financial arrangements for another
Handling probate
Care planning and review
Monitoring and reviewing behavioural issues

Depending on what sort of post you are going for you can add in

Understanding, knowledge and experience of
Safe handling of medication: includes but is not limited to
Checking dosages, timing, monitoring and handling adverse effects appropriately
Prevention of cross infection including but not limited to personal hygiene of carer and caregiver
laundry, furnishings, personal protective equipment, care of equipment aids
Care skills including but not limited to awareness of wellness/unwellness, specific information pertaining to various dementias and the likely progression route of them
Awareness and adherence to laws relating to the elderly and disability
The significance of socialisation in the lives of people who are deteriorating in health
Reporting responsibilities and actions

If your work is likely to be admin then you can also say
Extensive use of PC using spreadsheets to maintain financial and care records, databases to maintain contact records, use of word processing to write and amend reports, use of whichever mail system you use to write and send emails
Additionally I have conducted thorough research using browser to establish the best routes of care or procure materials that are fit for purpose
I have also contributed significantly to improving care by contributing to blogs and forums

And conducting interviews for new staff
Conducting background checks
Taking up references
Filling out forms (and more forms oh and more forms!)
Appealing against poor decisions

Oh Jude, you are so right, no wonder we are so burnt out, and worth one heck of a lot more money money once we've completed our caregivers role, however, as statistics show, upwards of 30% of cargivers actually die, before our LO'S, and then we are worth NOTHING, to our spouses, children, grandchildren and our potential future Employers! My husband and I will never know what our own financial potential may ever have been, as we got boxed in the other side, due to our age. Yes, ageism is alive and well! And obviously not only for caregivers, I know of several people who lost out on their full pensions, due to ageism, my sister being one of them. To be cast out at age 63, over "cuts", after serving your employer for over 28 years. It happens all the time! ML, I hope you are thinking all of this through, as you are currently in a position to enjoy your Mother right where she is getting the best possible care that she needs. And you have the ability and are willing, to make her life so much right where she is! No, it may not be posh, but just your commitment to being there as often as you so clearly are, finding ways to improve on her enjoyment of her final time with you, will bring her so much joy, and allow yourself to continue putting money away for your own old age, and from the sounds of it, you may not be faring too well on that front. Most of us at least own our own homes, usually they are our largest investment, so unless you have one heck of a tidy nest egg, you yourself will probably find yourself in a subpar Nursing Home one day! I'm sure if at all avoidable, your Mom wouldn't want that for you. The great majority of her life is behind her, yours is likely ahead of you. Where do you want to be in 25-30 years. And don't keep coming back with "I only want the best for her", what about you! We all must think of our Own financial future, without a husband, a PAID FOR Home, and if you quit your paying jobs now, you are all but sunk! Do you want to be financially dependant on your Son, the government? I definitely do not! I have 4 Awesome kids, but still, I do not!

and that's why I don't want a HELOC

Thanks for the advice Staceyb.

Debdaughter, EXACTLY! I never understood why people who are older and retired would ever consider a reverse mortgage or HELOC? I would think that the only people making money are the banks! So dangerous to go into debt at that age! From what I understand anyways!

The banks won't deal with reversed mortgages anymore. The only companies that deal with them are the ones that did the sub-prime mortgages in the early 2000s. My thoughts on reverse mortgages are the only ones that need a RM are the ones who can't afford them. I wish they would make them illegal, since people can get themselves in a mess by not understanding them.

ML, I think this thread has outlived its usefulness and is on to other topics.

If you want to continue interaction, I suggest you start a new post, called something like "Vising my mother in her nursing home" and then stick to that topic. Tell how your visits are going and how your mother is doing. Don't bring up all the other issues we've gone over and over in this thread.

Thanks

LucyCW and Jeannnegibbs yesterday my Mom said, "I want some !" in the loudest and strongest voice I 've heard in a long time when a CNA walked pass with some pork skins. She sung "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly, and we listened to "Lean onMe" by Bill Withers. My Mom ate all her food that was puréed lasagna and vegetables. Have to go. Have a good day. I stayed longer than 5pm, about 6:30 pm😀

Thank you tacy and jude, i will research resumes and take the dates out and/or put my caregiver duties in. I have signed up with Robert Half, even a temporary job for 3 months so i could get unemployment would help. I literally have zero income. Had a couple interviews, but the birthdate (ageism) is right there on the drivers license, cant hide that part. Awful, thank you. Back to ML, on this thread, thank you all. Definitely something for future caregivers to think about.

Time to stop the hamster wheel. This is going no where. I agree with Jennegibbs, time to start a new topic of visiting Mom at the nursing home.

Liz it is always easier to get a job once you have a job ....fact So apply and then apply again. If you think they are concerned about your age go for it up front you have nothing to lose. Some companies are ageist (even though they are not supposed to be so say something like...... You will see from my drivers licence I am xxxxx years old which is fantastic because not only do I have a wealth of experience I have also been trained in xxxx and in the more modern methods of xxxxxx so you get the best of both worlds. That couple with a solid work ethic blah blah blah. If they don't want older people you have nothing to lose and if they are waivering on this you can turn it to your advantage.

You might also see that I have been caring for my mother for 6 moths. It has been an incredibly challenging time and one thing I learned about myself is that I can take on new challenges and embrace them and succeed at them

since this thread is on to other topics, anyway, to go back to the whole reverse mortgage thing, not so sure I'm so much against that for the elderly, why not get the money out of your house to use now and let the house go, unless you have some real reason for hanging on to it? I almost wish my dad had done that and I wouldn't be having to worry about his now; if I could sell it, the money might be nice, but if we don't have it that's our problem, and it is a problem right now, which is why the HELOC is even an issue, but I'm not wanting to get into that at our age; talking to somebody today, though, who's turning 65 next week and they've never bought a house, still renting....

Reverse mortgages are only good for those who are healthy and want money to travel, to update their house, or help a grandchild go to college.... it's rarely a good idea to use for major elder care. Eventually the loan needs to be paid back to the bank, along with higher than normal interest, mortgage insurance, closing costs and fees. If an elder forgets to pay their property taxes, the loan can be called in for repayment.

Let's say the average reverse mortgage dollar amount given to a home owner is $1,500 a month. That would give an elder maybe 75 hours a month of care at $20/hour, which comes out to 2.5 hours a day. But Mom or Dad needs 8 hours of care.

What happens if something needs to be fixed in the house? Like the refrigerator stops and it's not worth repairing? Or the furnace is on its last legs?

Much better to sell the house while you can, put that money into a safe account so one's parents can draw on that money when needed, and have Mom/Dad moved into an elder friendly environment. If they can afford to do that.

Oh, I will never purchase another home. We've been in this one, our second home together, about 21 years now, purchased it new and it's all paid off, and still in fairly great shape, new roof, new siding, well maintained, but our kitchen could use a little refurbishing, new paint all around and new carpets. But all of this will have to wait until after our Daughter's wedding in October, then we will do all of these things and reevaluate whether to sell up and move into an apartment or condo. Of course, alot depends on if FIL, is still with us. If not, were definitely selling and moving on, to begin enjoying our retirement! It couldn't come fast enough for me! Home ownership is a lot of freaking work!

Could I suggest that things like employment after caregiving and reverse mortgages each have their own separate topic? Otherwise only people who have stuck it out in this thread will respond. I'm not worried about following rules ... just in getting broader exposure.

ML, Please check your message board as I have responded to your posting here on there so that it isn't swallowed up in the new issues being posted in this thread.
Well done your last post which was very positive.

Okay LucyCW. Thanks.