Please don’t think I am the worst daughter on earth...

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Please don’t think I am the worst daughter on earth...

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The ONLY person who doesn't need to think that you are the "worst daughter on earth" is YOU! No one else is living your life or helping your situation. Anyone who tells you that it is YOUR responsibility to care for your father in your home is speaking from their reality, not yours. Caring for our parents means many things. Helping him find a great living situation shows love, just as much as having him live with you, maybe more! Loving yourself and your family enough to express your feelings is a great start! You, your husband and your little ones are your priority. Keeping dad around and becoming resentful will do nothing for you or your relationship with him. Do what works for you and tell anyone who has anything negative to say to back off. I am really not sure where this idea that caring for our aging parents means that they live with us and we give them the best part of our lives, came from. It does nothing but make sweet, loving people feel like crap. You know what you need to do - do it!! :-)

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“He’s 86 and a wonderful man, no doubt there, but the constant idiosyncrasies, his weird habits, the noises, lack of social graves and just blatant absence of manners is driving me mad.”

You sound like ME!!
You can add “constant demands, constant complaints about the food because of his teeth because he doesnt have any and his partial doesnt fit anymore and the constant smells of medicated lotions and his furniture stinking to high Heaven!”
I finally told hubby “Its your dad or me!” “I cant take it anymore!”

Your too young! You are barely starting your family! You DONT NEED THE STRESS!!
Its not good for you but especially not good for the baby!
You need to sit down with your dad and be like “Dad, I love you, but this isnt working. We are going to have to find you your own place. I am really stressed out with the baby and the little one and doing everything around here. I cant do it anymore. I dont want to hurt the baby because Im stressed out.”

See what he says? If he loves you and cares about you he will understand, but if he doesnt then your going to have hubby tell him to get out!

I know its a really hard thing to do but my father in law is the same way! Since they are old men they like having the woman do everything for them. Its the old west 1950s mentality. “Women should cater to the man”
Well I DONT cater and I DONT follow demands, not even for my husband!

Your way too young to be going through this! Your dad needs his own place! Theres social workers and elderly services to help him. Make phone calls and start the ball rolling, the more you work on getting him out the more relief you will feel.
Believe me, since hubby agreed and we found a place for his dad, Im still stressed out but I see the light at the end of the tunnel! I know soon he will be out and that gives me piece of mind everytime I see him being arrogant and making a mess. In my mind Im like “Dude your days are numbered!” I laugh because I know that he will be living with his arrogant self and I dont have to have the constant stress!

Do yourself a favor and start looking into senior care and living options! Get him out before he gets sick and he cant live on his own!
Sometimes you have to do tough love. It sound harsh but your dads life is almost over and yours has just begun!
Good luck and HUGS!!

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I understand, it's difficult. Moved my mom with us, we have no children and a bit older 57. Mom will be 93 in June. Hard part is the only one who helps me as much as she can is a sister who lives in the other side of the country. Maybe you can take him to some of the nice, appropriately priced senior living community in your area. Do a little research check them out before you go. They usually give free meal with tour. Try Christian care, they have places all over. So maybe he can get a feel for it. Because it sounds like you need the space and time for your growing family. Not cruel just reality. He can see the grands still.

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You're all set up for him there......so it will be easy to say that he must go to another living arrangement, but, he can visit occasionally. You can decide what that will be. Every weekend, one weekend a month, on holidays, whatever, and he gets to see his kids. My mother in law used to stay a week with us at Christmas. The other option is to somehow separate his space from yours, like an in-law apartment AND he hires a full-time caregiver.... You are obviously overwhelmed, particularly thinking about the addition of a newborn. Do not feel guilty.

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Good advice, BUT. He will get you the point where he needs care and it will be more difficult to find a place for him when, not if, it becomes necessary. If he's under your roof, it will be very difficult to move him. He needs to leave home just like your kids will need to leave.

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Oh sweetie! No, you’re not the worst daughter. I’m almost twice as old and all my children are grown...and we struggle with the same things. It’s wearing.

I’m not going to give you advice, because there are so many different variables. My family made our choice to stay in the same house...but we have a large house which allows all of us to have our own space. However, my father is still self-sufficient. Just a lot of odd habits and demands to be waited on. Mobility is an issue since he’s got bad knees and often never leaves his bed.

While he can can get out of bed, bathe, dress, and feed himself, then we’re willing to stick it out. But if lifting becomes involved, we just won’t be able...and that’s because we want everyone to be safe. We also have a lady in once a week to clean his room and change his linens.

But it that’s us. You have a young family that demands your attention. You’re not horrible. You’re tired. And don’t minimize being tired.

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Hi you are not the worse daughter on earth you have a family which is about to become larger. You will have to find somewhere for yor dad for the sake of everybody. You have done well to do it on your own for 3 years. Where ever your dad goes you can still visit him and if its possible take him out. Although all of that has to be your decision, your are still young and need to enjoy time with the family. Good luck in what you decide your a loving daughter otherwise you just wouldn't care which you do hence feeling guilt which you have no need x

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I think part if the reason you are feeling the way you are (bad about wanting him to live elsewhere) is because you ARE young! You haven't had a chance to learn that you are allowed to have boundaries with your parents, live your own life and put yourself and family first, etc. But this is exactly what us older people will tell you! PLEASE put you and your family first, ESPECIALLY because dad can self fund other options! Sure, he doesn't want to if he doesn't have to, but it's time for you to focus on YOUR family. Trust me when I say things will not get easier with your father at 86. And you have young children who absolutely need and deserve your attention first...and you and your husband, too. Get dad into independent or assisted living somewhere. If he is a social butterfly, find a place where there are lots of activities and clubs, so he can make friends and find things to keep him busy. Let him be a grampa to his grandkids the way he should be. BUT DEFINITELY don't feel like a bad daughter about all of this. That is why there are so many senior living communities and facilities springing up all over. Seniors need a different level of care than children do, and it wouldn't be fair to either your children or your dad to have you splitting your time and efforts between both. They both deserve the right level of care which you will NOT be able to provide to both, no matter how hard you try. You will make yourself sick trying and that just isn't fair to you and your family ...you have a long life ahead of you, which you deserve to enjoy. Don't miss out on your kids growing up because you're trying to care for dad. It will not get easier with him, just when your kids will likely need you more, too. So please help him find a good place for him elsewhere and be happy!

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No, you’re not a bad daughter. You’re just nearing the end of your rope trying to take care of a difficult aging parent while managing a growing family. You have a family and a marriage, and they are the new priority.

I would get him in his own digs before he’s too sick to live on his own. If he has the means to live outside your home, he should do so. It doesn’t sound as if even he is happy with the current arrangement.
Maybe you can get some information on senior living places (some are very nice near me) and talk to your husband and get him on board. Hopefully your husband will support you in restoring peace to your life - well, as much peace as you’ll get with a newborn. 🍼

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NatalieSofe,

Stop beating yourself up and go find a 55+ community and/or Assistance facility that offers everything your father needs and more. There many places for seniors that are active and their around people of their own age and can get involved in activities or they can stay in their apartments.

You need to take care of yourself, your baby and family. Your health is paramount.

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Stop thinking as a daughter. If he can afford it, then move him out by taking him to assisted living places.
Take a deep breath. Sit him down, and tell him just (nearly) what you wrote here. But, add that you are concerned with his safety and his mental well-being. Like a kid, he needs friends that are his peers. Take him to the places you think he'd approve. Then have him choose. Put a deadline on it and stick to it.
I can hear you now. I CAN'T THROW HIM OUT. Well, yes you can.
Before you end up with an elder that needs care that does him no good, your kids no good, and most of all, your marriage no good.
Look into Brookdale facilities. My parents lived in one and it was fabulous. Like an apartment not a nursing home. No shared rooms, unless he wants to share a two-bedroom. Terrific food with a daily menu, not take-it-or-leave-it. Lots of fun including outings.
Believe me, I've been there. Your dad will flourish. Your home will be yours again. Just do it. Remember you are responsible for his safety, not his care.

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Patti,

Great advice! More of us need to listen. I want my life back too. Working on it, takes time to prepare and sort out.

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I felt the same way with my late dad more than my late mom. I don’t think you can make your dad understand that it’s very difficult for you and your family to take care of him without him feeling like he is a burden on you.

Mind you, I am disabled with cerebral palsy…. When I finally gave up, and to keep my promise for my dad to die at home, I decided to hire one of the in-home agency without Dad’s consent. I knew that he would say no if I ask him if it was okay. My dad became a very stubborn person. I used his money for his care ($2,000/month). I actually got some relief from worrying about my dad.

So, I think you should do the same thing because if you don’t, you definitely will have a nervous break down!! However, first, tell your dad that he needs extra attention, and care. Then, make the arrangements for the in-home care or senior living facility. ❤️🙏🏻

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You were smart to handle it that way, madtoe.

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Hi there, please believe that obviously you are a kind and caring daughter that your father had a part in raising. You were brought up to be an awesome person and want to do the best for your family. You are struggling with asking him to leave but, in time you may very well find out he is happier with people his own age and, if in the right facility he will get appropriate care. He may very well be feeling out of place where he is now - obviously a smart man his lack of “fitting in” with socialization may simply be an indication and knowledge of being a burden and not knowing how to proceed. Give him an opportunity to live somewhere else and hopefully he will live his life in a situation suited to him and his capabilities.
Take care of you! You want your family to thrive and it is okay to realize he may thrive in another environment.

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Hello! I was recently in the same situation with my mother. During the time she stayed with my family we also had marriage stress, so much that it almost ended our 10 year relationship. We also have young kids and it is a very important time for them to see how a family dynamic works. I chose to move my mother out to a care facility because I can never get the time back with my children and while they are so impressionable it is important to show a loving union with their parents. You are not a horrible daughter... you are just trying to be a good mother and wife. It is a very hard balance. We didn’t have the funds to place my mother in a place I would have wanted so you are fortunate to have that on your side. This is something only you can choose but know that if you do it, it’s ok and you aren’t alone. It’s very demanding and you start resentment toward your love ones if you prolong the care you are able to give. I do feel guilty but I also know once my mom is no longer with us my family will still be together and I can’t say that would be the case if I continued to be her care giver. It’s easy to lose yourself, remember you can’t care for your kids and husband if you don’t take care of your self first. Luck to you!

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I well understand your plight. Look for a functional Senior Living where they play card, trips to plays, meals made for them. If you have to visit it yourself, talk to them, get rates. If it checks out take dad there and let him look around and then tell him it is close to your place so you can still drop in. But with a new baby, you really can't do it anymore. And really do visit him there.

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I will answer before reading the other 71 "answerers" here :)

Please do NOT in any way, shape or form, be apologetic. You sound like a very conscientious, wonderful daughter, with a huge age difference with your dad.

When I was 19 and first married, because I was a nurse and my husband the "golden child" of his family of 8 brothers and sisters, they naturally assumed his father would come and live with us. I said NO. I am pretty sure my husband did not want to either; I really do not remember but both have passed away many years ago. But I was married my husband, not him and his father.

Fast forward to my being 60+ and Mom (90's) living with me. She has no one else and despite our differences, we get along fairly well 95% of the time. BUT, I am single, 3 children grown (youngest about your age), and her husband (my dad) and my husband passed away a long time ago. So it works.

But, I never never would have had a parent(s) live with me while we were a young family with children at home. We needed our privacy and to deal with the ups and downs between the 5 of us, not the 5 of us plus a parent.

Both of you and your husband sit down with your father and have a discussion with him to let him know that although you all love him and will always love him, that the situation is not working out and that you all need your privacy and find an assisted living facility (ALF) where he can live and you all can visit. Sounds easy... it isn't, I know.

But YOU and your family are important and need your time alone, to live, to love, to argue, to "everything" else in between. Just please do not feel guilty.

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I agree with everything you said. I was going to write just about the same answer. Dad will understand...

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I absolutely know where you are coming from!!. My mum moved in with me over two years ago. She has sucked the life out of me with her negativity, her ridiculous ways and behaviour and has dragged me into depression needing counselling. I hate living with her and can't wait till the day I am free to have my own life. You are not alone but you need to try and find a solution before it damages you and your family life. My mum is 93 and has no idea of the adverse effect she is having on me as she is so immersed in herself and has been for many years. Good Luck for the future. X

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NannaJ..... you are my twin, same Mom age, same length of time living together ..... on many, many of the days.... "sucked the life out of me with her negativity" ....

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Find him an assisted living apartment (close by so you can take the kids over regularly) with activities and a cafeteria. This will be difficult and your dad will probably fight back but this is what is best for all involved. If you struggle with this, think about a possible future where your dad has passed away and you are an unhappy, divorced, single parent of two struggling to make ends meet. Start looking for a nice home where dad can make friends. Use the new baby as an excuse if you have to.

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Reading this forum helped me to realize that bringing my mom to live with me and my family with young children is a totally bad idea. I am forever grateful, because it seemed like an automatic thing we all should do...let our demented parents come live out their years with us. Gosh, I didn't even realize it was a healthy option to do the exact opposite. It also make me think about having a definite plan in place to NOT burden my own children and their families when it's time for me to live out my final years and possibly with Dementia. I will not do this to my kids!

I'm trying so hard to build healthy boundaries with my mom and my failure to thrive, 55 year old, addicted brother, who lives with her. I have decided that having compassion does not rest in family obligation. That taking care of myself and my family first is the loving thing to do for all. That creating a different living arrangement than what they expect is not cruel. That guilt can be a liar and we give it entirely too much power in our lives. That one person in our lives cannot have the power to destroy the rest of relationships.

Whenever guilt paints my thoughts, I try to reset my mind and rest in creating a loving plan for all involved and stay firm in my resolve. Tell guilt to essentially "*iss" off!

I wish you peace, strength, health, and clarity as you move forward in creating these things in your family.

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Bssmb02.. I want to say that I agree. I know that we purchased our home with the idea that our mother would live with us. It was what good family does! But then I learned a very valuable lesson.
When on an airline... the stewardess will give the departure discourse on what to do if air cabin pressure is lost and you are seated next to a young child, or older parent who are unable to care for themselves. Do you know? Do you give them their oxygen mask first? Compassion would suggest firstly that this would be the best answer because after all you are responsible for their safety and well being and if you don't give them their air oxygen mask they might not get it!
But that is the point.. The answer is You give the oxygen to yourself FIRST. That way there will always be someone capable to give the oxygen and anything else that is required. A young child, or an elder parent with dementia could not save you if needed, but if you take care of your family and yourself first you can make sure that life balance is kept.
So.. to Natalie.. You will find that having help to care for your father's increasingly medical and mental conditions will help you. And as I discovered, my mother is much happier with others who are of her own generation.

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Hi Nataliesofe! Sorry to hear about your ordeal. You are not a bad daughter at all. You tried your best to make it work for everyone . It sounded like your dad is not the same person anymore when he just first moved in with you. I think its best if you find a place for him and a private caregiver.

Everything’s done for him here. Why would he want to? * i think this statement is uncalled for though.

I hope all will be sort out in a way where everyone can be content and happy.

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No guilt! My two cents: anytime everything revolves around ONE person, something needs to be adjusted. There are other people around you who also have needs. I think your entire family, including your dad, would benefit from him being moved to whatever level of care accommodations he needs. Then you can set aside dedicated time that works for your schedule to go spend with him (once in awhile, the whole family can go see him). With someone else taking care of his physical needs, you can focus on your father/daughter relationship and enjoying each other's company as you walk him through this stage of his life.

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First off you are not a bad daughter, you are an amazing daughter and have an amazing husband. That being said your Dad SHOULD NOT be living with you all on a permanent basis. A parent should not expect to be able to live with their child permanently any more than an adult child should be able to move back home and live with their parent without expecting to need to be making other arrangements eventually. Other accommodations are an absolute must. Bless your heart for putting up with him for 3 years. My mother moved in for a week after falling and I nearly went off the deep end. I didn't give her any choice and found a assisted living home for her. She didn't like moving there but in the end it has turned out to be the best thing for us all. We enjoy the time we spend together and I don't feel used. After she adjusted ( that took a couple months) she now likes the place and enjoys all the activities and being with people of her own generation. She still asks to come home every time I visit but I just change the subject. Until this year we would go get her and bring her home for family activities. She is now getting to hard for any of us to manage so we go to the home and visit, go to "movies" or "out to dinner" at the local restaurant in the facility.

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You are 33 married with two children. You are in the prime of life and you should have every right and opportunity to live your life to the absolute fullest. Time will go too fast and you will look back and be resentful of what you never had a chance to have. Do NOT put yourself into that situation. I have no doubt you love your father but his obvious behavior is not something you, or anyone, should have to tolerate. If your father can't understand the effect he is having on your family and marriage, he is very stubborn or stupid of selfish. I think it is time for you and your husband to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms for the best outcome for all concerned, he must go and live somewhere that he will find comfort and be cared for - it is affecting your family life and marriage. And then do whatever it takes to make sure he does this. Get help from the professionals or an attorney but do take immediate action to resolve this issue. Some people may love each other BUT THEY CANNOT LIVE UNDER THE SAME ROOF. Be strong and take care of yourself first. You deserve some peace.

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You are a good daughter. The fact that you have been caring for your father for so many years is solid proof. There is nothing wrong with your wanting him to move out. You must tell him with the new baby, there is not enough room in the house for him and that you will have to spend time taking care of the baby and you don't want his needs to go unanswered. So he must go where they can look after his needs. If he doesn't want to go, you have to let him know that he doesn't have a choice. An assisted living or nursing home would be good options. Don't feel bad. The time has come for him to move on. Let him know you will visit him and look after him in his new home. They have activities for seniors to do. I pray he will not give you a problem, but whatever happens, stand strong and do what you have to do. Its for the best for all of you.

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All of us here can relate - it's time to get Daddy out of Your marriage.

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My heart goes out to you. I'm an only too. You are too young to be coping with this. I did this for a mother for 23 years. It impacted the quality of life and enjoyment with both of my kids. And caused strain with spouse even though he was very patient. I was amused by the comment to "expose" Dad to the baby messes. Oh yes, great idea! Men were not expected to handle any of that back in their day it just the way it was. Your difference in age/perceptions of household responsibilities will likely never resolve. If he has a sudden downturn in health it will drag you down healthwise too trying to handle everyone's well-being. Do you have an aunt or any other older family member who can speak up for you and let the old dude know that you need some space right now? You need at least a year dear. I hope he can find a great senior community nearby. You and your family can visit a lot to make some special memories. Don't guilt yourself out on this one.

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Don't feel bad about your feelings, you have all the right to live your life without taking care of Dad. That does not mean you are not going to be there for him. Is there any assisted living places close by where you live? I would be totally up front with him and explain to him your feelings.He might not like it in the moment but he will adjust. If you don't do it now while you are still young you might start resenting your situation then everyone is going to be upset and words probably would be spoken and you don't want it to come too that...Good L:uck

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By no means do we think that you are a horrible person. You are a strong person who has so much on her plate that its beginning to over flow. You cant be hard on yourself as you are taking on a ton . you have a family and a new one joining your family who is going to need a lot of attention and love being new in this world. you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband , unite on a decision and go forward with your decision together.
Than both of you should sit dad down and explain your decision to him. make him understand you are no deserting him and will always be there for him but with the baby coming you can not handle everything as you have in the past three years. I would get him involved into looking for a senior care with people his age. go over his finances and see what he can afford. take him with you to check out places .
dad needs to understand you are one person and cant handle every thing. tell him all love him dearly and will be there in person and by phone as much as you can. He needs to know he is not being thrown out and neglected .
the other option is to keep it as is and but by reading your story it doesn't sound like that would be a good thing for the future of your health and/or the future of your family.
dads going to have to learn that he raised his family and its time for you to raise yours...
good luck......

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Hi there,
No matter what, do not feel guilty for having these feelings.
I underestimated the stress and strains of having my father in law move in with us four months ago.
All the reasons you listed are exactly what made me want to scream every day!!!
I gave up trying to get him to use a plate when eating snacks(which he did throughout the day)and tossing his dog(ugh, not dog people, have two cats)pieces of whatever he was chomping on.
I tried to reset everyday and start fresh, but by mid morning I was worn down.
My husband and 20 year college student daughter, were busy with long days at work and school, so it was me, 24/7 cleaning and cooking and taking care of a dog that I didn’t want.
Although my FIL was constantly thanking me and appreciated everything I did for him, I became bitter and resentful.
We moved him into an assisted living home just yesterday. The dog is still with us(for now). We will take her over for visits.
He is 93 and going strong.
His doctor diagnosed him with onset demensia, but says he could be at the same stage for another 8-10 years.
I do not feel guilty or ashamed, I know I did my best to take care of him.
I literally, put “my life” on hold for the past 4 months. I’m ready to go back to work (had quit my job to stay home and take care of him after he fell in his home)
If anyone were to ask my opinion about moving an elderly parent in with them, I would stress the importance of having a back up plan!
Best of luck to you, my heart goes out to you and your family.

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Static,

Bless your heart! And after having been on this site, I believe for over a year now, if ever I were to think about quitting my job to stay home and be the caregiver, I will never, ever do that, especially after reading the experiences and advice on here.

I absolutely 99% of the time loved being as much of a stay-at-home mom when my children were growing up as I could. However, as much as some liken aging adults to having "another kid" at home, it totally is not. An aging adult is its own tenuous category; they are most definitely not children.... not in size, not in how you can try to manage them, etc.

Mom who is 93 is the epitome of good health, albeit her high blood pressure which recently each afternoon skyrocketed after a recent UTI and completion of the antibiotic (all cleared up now; we checked). So after taking her to the excellent ARNP last week and with her suggestion/encouragement of home health and PT/OT for a bit, it was begun this weekend. I already feel a bit of weight lifted just to have other eyes in the house even for a bit periodically. Had we left the decision up to Mom, "no, I don't want anyone in the house (my house :) which I share with her" and it was a definite no yesterday when it was said the PT eval would be today, and again this morning, she comes in with her calendar and says "It's Sunday, the PT can't be coming here today". I looked at her blankly and said, yes, he is, between 11 and 11:30. So she turned around and went back to her room to dress :) Yay! A win for the daughter!!

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"A horrible person" you most definitely are not! But his living arrangements must change. That is of paramount importance, else you fall ill.

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Your post and the comments following have helped me realize that I shouldn’t feel guilty about getting frustrated and annoyed at my situation, my mother-in-law has been staying with us for the last couple of months. It is supposed to be temporary but I am constantly wondering what that means. She has some mobility issues but can, for the most part, take care of herself, it it is the little things that eat at you and having her there 24/7 because she would rather watch TV in her room than go to a senior center or anything like that. It’s the feeling like you are on call all the time. I have a 4-year-old that goes to preschool in the mornings, so I used to have some “me” time. Now, even though I may not see her for a couple of hours, just knowing she is there and could appear any minute is annoying. Feeling like I have to be on call physically, mentally, and emotionally. I know part of that is because I am an introvert and I need my space and it doesn’t feel like I can have that now.
And the little things you have to do, clean up what they can’t, make sure things are accessible to them. My mother-in-law is short, so she can’t reach most of our dishes. I have some set aside in a cupboard she can reach, but I feel like it is on me to make sure there are always enough dishes there because, if there aren’t, she doesn’t say anything, she get our Pyrex containers that she can reach which are then unavailable when I need them! I work at home and I had to stop working on a job so I could turn the closed captioning off on her TV.
My husband tries to make sure I have some time to myself and I have been going to see a movie once a week, it it isn’t the same thing. I do feel bad for feeling like I complain a lot and for constantly asking when we are going to have the conversation about how long she is going to be with us.
I think everyone in this type of situation is going to have some sort of guilt over the negative feelings we have, but we have to realize that it is okay and sometimes we need to get out of the situation for everyone’s sake. Just writing this has made me realize that I should probably talk to my husband about getting her out of the house during the week so I can have my own space for just a little bit.
I feel like I am just rambling here because of all the things that I think about that just stress me out about the whole thing.
I wish you luck and hope you know, I am right there, mentally screaming with you.

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Your temporary MIL is on her way to permanent.

Look for this thread:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mother-in-law-lied-to-us-to-move-in-am-i-stuck-with-her-forever-now-446777.htm

Read all the answers and sub-answers. Learn from it.

The details vary from story to story. One common theme across most of the tales: The man of the house (son of MIL) can’t/won’t get the ball rolling.

Wife always has to be the bad guy.

So be it. Rehearse your speech and deliver it. Soon.

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Please don’t think I am the worst daughter on earth...

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