Please don’t think I am the worst daughter on earth...

No medals for martyrs. Time to own your own life since he can be moved to assisted living. From my experience HE will probably be happier there.

You are not the worst daughter in the world. I am and my Mother tells me I am daily.
Save yourself, your marriage and your family. You, your husband and your children must come first. Time for your father to live out the remainder of his life in an environment of his peers, in a level of care that is appropriate for his needs (professionals will assist you in determining this). I wish you all the best.

Your father does need a new place to live. Two small children should get your total attention. You must be exhausted and you need to take care of yourself.
The part I don’t understand is the people who all are supporting you but turned on the man who wanted his wife’s parent out. Granted, the wife wanted to keep her parent but the husband did not. I guess the support depends on the writer.....

I really feel for you as I was feeling those same feelings last year before my dad died of Mesothelioma in Sept. I am 58 and my brother is 51. My large family (7 kids) are all grown and I'm divorced and lived 2 hours from my dad. My brothers kids are young and he is married living 3 hours away from dad. He has a "good" job and I am a nanny for a family I have been with for almost 6 years. So everyone thought after mom passed that I should leave my job and move in with dad, since I live in a mobile home and my dad had a big beautiful house on a Lake. Well I took a "leave" for a few months and moved in and I went NUTS! Nothing I did was right. I didn't cook like mom, didn't dress like mom, didn't wanna do the things mom liked to do. OMG it never eneded and he wouldn't listen to anything I said. He believed he BEAT his cancer but I believe it had gone to his brain by the end. I got so stressed I got sick myself with Sacroidosis. It is an inflammatory disease that can shed due to stress. It causes nodes and grandulomas to grow in your lungs, chest, skin and eyes. I was so sick but still cared for him til the end. He eventually fell and broke his back. Something that certainly could have been avoided if he had listened to us all and let us help him. Sad. So my life was totally turned upside down. I was lucky my boss was so understanding. She is from India and the value of the elderly is completely different than here. They did all they could to help me and I went back when I could. But I am so sick now and might need to go on disability if my sight continues to get worse. While living at my dad's I fought with everyone. It felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I found him a wonderful assisted living 20 min. from my home with an open apartment that was brand new. He belittled me in front of all the staff there and said I had no idea how to manage money and that is why I live in a trailer. LOL totally untrue as he has no idea of my finances or life. But it was very embarrising to say the least and my son and his girlfriend were with me so that made it even worse. It was a two hour drive home that was absolute hell. I had just lost my beloved mom 5 mos. before and hadn't even had time to grieve. I was literally falling apart. I was getting no sleep as dad would wander at night. He fired all the hospice CNA's and would leave when he had scheduled therapy appointments. He insisted on going for his drivers lic. renewal. All of his neighbors complained to he registry but they could do nothing. He still had his rights. So he got it and was dead a week later, before he got the chance to kill someone on the road. So you are not alone. Take some time and think about what you can handle. Tell people what you can do and do no more. Get as many services as you can. Look at the places you may need down the road so you arn't caught off guard like I was. Running around once something happens to check out places. Some are great, some are really not. But most of all give your family the attention they need. You CAN do it all but with the right kind of help. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I miss my parents so much and I rest my head on the pillow everynight knowing I did all I could. I think its something we are never truely prepared for. These are the people who cared for US. But with love and help you will get thru. Best of Luck!

It's time for the heart-to-heart talk with dad. It's just too much with soon-to-be 2 young children...the family needs its space. And you need a break.
He's in a different time of his life than you are.
Hopefully, he'll understand. If he doesn't, well, that's life. Tell him you love him yet this is how it's gotta be.
Be reassuring that a good fit will be found for him (he'll adjust). Then visit him and invite him over for Sunday dinners or something.
It's rough caring for elders. They are children that can and do say NO (!) Tough love, sister!

All the best!

You are Not by Far, The Worst daughter, Instead, AN ANGEL. Many like you have Dad Move in with them, It ends up to be a Hellion on Wheels, Such as no More Meals on Wheels.
Might I suggest Beginning to make arrangements for Bad Dad to Go into a Nursing facility, Such as a Rest Home. make sure his Affairs are in Order, Or Medicaid will Take every single Dime of his Money, honey. Look into this and make sure you have a Living Trust that Dad has Put you in or Check into this NOW.
You need time in your Own at Home Life of Strife, It seems You are Following up right behind him and will Get Old and Gray just Caring for him and with Dad...He just gets more Difficult as he Gets Older and Bolder...

Sounds like he may be ready for assisted living. Don't feel guilty for it, but it may be time. There will be a lot of resentment even if he does move to assisted living. I have seen this a lot. I work in the industry. Speak with his doctor over your concerns. You may be able to get respite care where you can leave him for a couple of weeks. Sometimes just to give you a break and him! There may even be programs you can send him to daily or weekly; like an adult daycare. At his age do try to cherish the time left. He wont be around forever; dont do anything you will regret later. Good luck.

Please do not feel bad. I truly understand your situation and how stressful it can be for you.

While you can't help how you feel you can help how you respond to those feelings. Of course you feel like a bad daughter, but that doesn't mean you are. Your situation with a new one on the way is already tense. When that baby arrives you will need your full strength for that baby. Your husband hopefully will help with your other child and taking care of the house. But it would be unfair to expect him to take care of your father as well. You might want to have a sit down with dad and tell him facts. If that doesn't work you and your husband might try just taking care of you and the little ones, leaving dad to fend for himself for a brief period ie. laundry, food etc. It just might make him see that you are overwhelmed. If it doesn't then you will need to start looking into assisted living places nearby. You can tell dad that you will come visit and still include him in your life but he may no longer use you as unpaid help. Good luck!

I think everyone on this post as a caretaker feels resentment and guilt at least once in awhile (I'm going out on a limb and say it's even more than that), and so no one should condemn you. It's particularly hard on you because you are still young. I am 56, but I've raised my family, my husband is deceased, and I am near the end of my career, so I don't have to sacrifice as much for my mom. Even so, when we had to find more supported living accommodations for my mother, I didn't even consider having her live with me. I do a lot for her, but I need a life as well, and I knew I wouldn't have one.
I researched independent living facilities for seniors at "A Place for Mom". They were so helpful, and I was able to narrow down places that would do a lot for her like cook meals, provide maid service, and plan activities. Then I took her to those places and asked her to choose one. It sounds like your father has financial resources, so I suggest you do this and then ask him to pick one place where he will be comfortable. The only option should not be living with you. My Mom was angry with me, but she is now quite happy and I still visit her all the time...my favorite thing is that many times she asks me not to visit because she's busy with her friends and activities. Our relationship has also improved because we are less pressured. My mother has Alzheimer's, is legally blind due to macular degeneration, and has congestive heart failure, so dealing with those things is tough enough for her and for me without adding other issues into the mix. It must be frustrating for your dad as well because his life is more limited, so places like senior living residences will offer him opportunities to enjoy his life. The upside is that you will find that you can enjoy being with him again, and for the times you can't there's your car and the road back to your own house.

Don't feel bad. I helped my parents stay at home as long as they could. Then in October 2017 everything fell apart. In addition, I started a new job. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. If I had gotten sick, the situation would not have been any different. Take care of yourself. You will outlive your dad and you want a quality of life for yourself and you family. You have done a good job taking care of him. It might be time for assisted living.

Let me start by saying: There is NO bad time to post here. We're from all over the world and there is always someone reading thru to find answers, direction, advice or just someone to vent to. You have a reason to be on edge; you're family is about to get bigger. I can tell how much you're stressed and I completely understand. Also, don't feel like you're letting Anyone down or not Good enough of...Anything...because You Are a wonderful, loving daughter to do what you've done so far. I won't assume anything but I need to ask for some clarification: Does your Dad have any physical limitations? How far along is his Dem/ALZ? Finally, the last and most important question: Has your obstetrician made Any sort of comment that your health is starting to suffer? If your Dad is with you because he has occasional "moments" of forgetfulness but is otherwise capable of doing the basic household chores such as dusting, vacuuming, dishes (or putting them away) then have him do it. You need to convince him, in a way that will make him feel that it's really going to help you out a lot; a.k.a. those big sad Daughter eyes. If his physical abilities are further diminished but he can still do small things, maybe find some type of craft that he and your son/daughter can do together to keep him occupied like making Styrofoam ornaments, woven potholders, paint by numbers or ceramic figurines etc...that they could give as presents or keep at home as decorations. If that's possible, then do it everyday at a set time so you'll know you'll have some time to relax and he'll be occupied for a while. A lot of Dem/ALZ sufferers experience Sundowners Syndrome; whether this is the case or not; the daily activity might help ease some frustration he might be having but not saying or unable to say. He might actually enjoy it and if the senior services center there; like like the one here in my town has a crafts sale once a month; he might be able to make some money. Over the last few years I did by some painted figurines from there to give as presents to my little nieces and they loved them; I kept a large clown the guy painted up as Emmett Kelly's "Weary Willie" and he said; in the spring when his arthritis eases up; he'll do a painting of him for me (can't wait to get it). Try that for a little bit, if you can handle him a bit longer and see if it helps. If it doesn't help, then You and your Husband should sit down together and talk about an AL/Senior community for your Dad to move to. Some people can deal with more than others and there's nothing that you should feel bad about. You had him move in with you so both of you could be happy but when it gets too stressful, resentment builds and one or both of you will suffer. I knowthat neither You or your Dad wants that. I know this was a little bit; probably a Lot a bit; all over the board but I'm on another 72 hour day so I'm a little scatterbrained myself. GOD Bless You and Your family. My prayers are on their way to you.

Without any intent to sound trite "I feel your pain and frustration"! I am almost 86 years old and the sole caregiver for my 83 yr old wife who is unable to care for herself. I am pretty disciplined when it comes to handling stress, but I have my up's and down's emotionally. Don't feel bad about yourself. You and your family have your own lives to live, and I applaud you for what you have done so far! If your Dad is financially able he should move out on his own, possibly to an assisted living facility. When I was young, my retired Dad came to live with us, but I ended up having to tell him to get his own place. I explained to him that it was too stressful on our marriage and home life for him to stay any longer! He did so, and he got over it! Maybe someone like one of his close friends, a minister , or a family physician, can have a very frank talk with your Dad! If he is not self-centered and helpless he will make the move and learn to live with it!.

Omg girl I feel your pain! I’ve been waiting for a question like this for so long!!!!! My mom is 84 has lived with me for 6 years and I feel the same way! She won’t go anywhere either. I am 53 and have the most amazing husband as well, but I’m just done. I am getting it from all angles. My relatives think I should keep her until she can’t remember me, my brother wants to put her in a facility, BUT no one helps me at all. When I take her to a relatives house for maybe a couple hours, they want to know when am I coming back to get her. My brother lives far away and came home one week so I could go on vacation and he wanted to put her somewhere that first day!!!!! She refuses to go anywhere, says she will kill herself before I put her into a home, she is stubborn as hell, acts totally different around my husband (Sweet) but with me all day it could go from 0-100 in a second! She has Vadcular Dementia mixed with Alzheimer’s now. Some days I just absolutely want to lose it! So the answer to your question, I don’t think you are wrong for feeling the way you do!!!

I am a senior parent...as painful as it is your Dad needs to move somewhere where he has company his own age...it is not good for parents to live with their children..it almost always leads to problems....look into your community to find out what is available. It will hurt during the transition
but it will save your relationship with him and your family.

Although I'm older than you, I felt the same, it was my mother. I could only handle her for 6 months. She would get violent with me and I take care of my grandchildren so I couldn't have her here. We ended up putting her in assisted living which she didn't like, but got used to. It ended up to be much better than keeping her with us. I also felt a break coming, it's just too much. My mom died of a stroke last month. But I think assissted living was the right decision.

Can you arrange a "respite" stay for him at an Independent Living or Assisted Living facility that he would like? It may be that once he finds that in Independent or Assisted Living "everything will be done for him" there as well. And he will have socialization, the opportunity to take trips, join groups or clubs. He may even find that the chaos of living with a young family is a bit much and he will like the more relaxed living in a Independent or Assisted Living facility more to his liking.

By the way side note here....You are a mom to a toddler, almost 9 months pregnant..you are exhausted even without your dad living with you, I think spontaneity and romance are on the back burner for a little while anyway ;)

A few other options that might push your dad to the Independent or Assisted Living thinking tell him that you are exhausted and you are going to need more help and this is a list of chores that he can do:
His laundry, as well as all the towels, bedding (stuff that can't be ruined)
Vacuuming,
Dishes after each meal. Including pots, pans and putting all away.
And any other tasks that you think he would do.
Once he understands that being part of a family means doing chores...(does this sound like something that he may have told you when you were a kid?)

If he has the money to afford Independent or Assisted Living then maybe he should pay "rent" and you can use the rent money to pay for help that will come in and help clean, do some laundry and in general take some work off your shoulders. I would think a "fair" rent would be 1/3 of your expenses for the monthly upkeep of the house. That might even give you a bit to "bank" for the future. Call it the kids college fund.

Oh...and no you are not the "worst daughter on the face of the earth"!

I opened my conversation with my mother with the words, “it’s time for you to move”

Your father is blessed to have a loving daughter like you, but your husband and children have priority. You don’t have to be Superwoman.
I used ‘A Place For Mom’ and they were very helpful and helped me determine what level of care my mother might need and what facilities to visit.
I did learn that I needed to go with my mother for Dr.s appts., and in advance let the Dr. know she had Dementia, so they couldn’t always believe what she might tell them.
May God give you guidance and comfort as you make difficult, but necessary decisions.

I know how you feel. My mom lived with us when she had Alzheimer's. I'm an only child too, so it was all up to my husband and me. We indeed had a mess of stress, I even wrote a book about it, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." We tried Assisted Living for my mom, but it just didn't work. If Assisted Living doesn't work for you, (for him), I have some suggestions: are there any Senior Centers nearby where he could go for a few hours a day? Some senior centers here provide free transportation to their sites, and they have arts and crafts, discussion groups, they provide lunch, etc., for seniors of all mental capacities. Another option would be to have an aide come to your house for a few hours a day, and maybe help your dad shower, if he needs help in that regard, maybe take him for a walk, play cards with him, etc.  That would relieve you of some stress, anyway. Best of luck (with everything).

I haven't read all of the responses so I might duplicate some, but here's my perspective as someone who is 60 (but whose husband is 12 years younger). My husband is wonderful, kind and understand, but the stress is having a negative emotional and physical affect on me, he sees that and sometimes is the target of it, although he knows I don't mean to.

You have to put you and your family first. You want the best for your dad, naturally, but that can't be at the sacrifice of your family or even just your sanity. In the year and a half that my mom has been living with us, one thing I've noticed is that she has become very self centered. It's all about her and her thoughts, feelings, decisions, wants, needs, etc. As her dementia and Alzheimer's has just recently been diagnosed, it seems to already be getting worse. (The difference with her is she wants to do it all, not have it done for her and she simply can't do a lot of it anymore.) Somehow as they are aging their world turns inward.

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it, but one of the big concerns is your children. I have a 24 year old who had both grandparents around until her middle school years when my dad's Parkinson's disabled him and they couldn't visit anymore. She has the memories of fun, healthy, energetic grandparents, but now she's seeing a grandmother who can be difficult, forgetful, and quite frankly, more of a child than an adult. Then there's the added stress that my daughter suffers with depression, anxiety and PTSD and this is wearing on her. And she's an adult. I can't begin to imagine what affect this could have on a very young child.

So, don't think you are a horrible daughter. It's time to sit down and have a serious talk with Dad. We can hope that he will realize and understand that you have to put your family first. If he doesn't, then you will have to proceed anyway - without his input. Your health and the well-being of your family has to come first.

Hello and sorry for your predicament. You are very young to be taking care of kids and an aging dad. I think it is time for him to go to assisted living. You are not the worst daughter. You are human and can only do so much, and handle so much stress. Hugs to you. Handling an aging parent is extremely hard.

Tell him you love him but it is too much to take care of him. He has to go. Sure he will get mad, but you are no longer able to do it. You have a new baby on the way.

He needs to be around more people his age and where he can go to activities to keep himself young. Stagnating at your house is no longer an option. You and your husband took on too much at your age. I wouldnt wish that on a younger person your age. At least with older children of aging adults in their 50-60 etc they have grown children. It is too much with a young family. It is also very stressful on the older generation too!

You will go look at places with him. You and your husband will have to put your foot down and say its happening. There needs to be a deadline too. If there is no deadline, every place looked at will be turned down.

You both need to be firm with this. You can move him into a place nearby. Good luck.

First off, no you are not the worst daughter on earth. I wouldn't even consider taking my mother in - I am not young and my back could not handle caring for her, especially if she fell (she outweighs me by a lot!) and even before she started down the dementia path, she could drive me up the wall, sometimes in a matter of minutes! 6 months, 3 years, no way! I do what I can as far as handling her finances, arranging care, getting any supplies not provided by the facility, etc, and even what I do is sometimes a lot! Anyone here tells you otherwise (that you are horrible), ignore them!

Being in another country, it is difficult for us here in the US to recommend a place for your dad. Also, you mentioned some of his idiosyncracies, but not what his general health and cognition are. The things you did list could imply some early dementia, but it could also just be the way your dad is! Knowing where you live would help anyone who is from there make suggestions, as the offerings are different, even here. Knowing what his health/cognition status would also help others recommend the right place for him!

Meanwhile, you need to find a place asap, before the baby arrives. Having a newborn, you need all the rest you can get and to focus on the baby and you. It is hard to care for a baby, even more so when you have another young child to care for, and you certainly don't need to be pandering to your dad!

If you can at the least find a temporary place (short term placement) for him, start with telling him that you will not be able to care for him when the baby comes (you won't even be home to do it, even if you wanted to!) Once he is there, move forward with making it permanent, either in that place, or another if that isn't a long term place. With being so far along, perhaps your husband can assist in finding a place for him (online searching helps, but someone needs to check these places out and you don't have a lot of time left!)

Meanwhile, if he is still capable of caring for himself and doing some chores, assign them to him. As someone else said, he might get tired of that and WANT to move! Eliminate any/all care you currently provide - only ABSOLUTE necessity, such as a bathroom 'accident'. Let him fend for himself - so long as you cater to him, why would he want to go anywhere?

You be an example to your kids. Show how you care for your parents. They will have to do for you. You can not have everything in life. Yes sacrifice some of the sex life romanace. If your dad is helpful and does not diatribe your family life and enjoy the kids good for you all. Work with dad and tell time has come to listen to kids and slowly give him the guidelines to live a happy life in the house. You are lucky you have a good husband. For few more years you have lot on your plate. Be a daughter be a wife lover and a mother. Try to our source some of the work which others can do it.

I know what you are going through is so hard. My Mom, age 93, never wanted to be moved from her home. She has physical issues along with Alzheimers. Our home is not handicap equipped. My brother (POA) put her in a large mc facility. She did not do well, had many UTIs, then got c-diff 4 times from all the antibiotics. It was a nightmare. I would suggest you contact A Place for Mom and have them find a smaller place for your Dad, My Mom is in home (a normal house) run by an LVN. There are only 4 residents and she receives personal care and attention, It took her a few months to adjust, but now she really likes it there. She has become very close to the 2 caregivers. Before she only wanted me or my sister. It is such a relief and an answer to my prayers. I feel like I have my life back and can enjoy it without feeling guilty. I also would recommend getting hospice involved, not for end of life care, but for monitoring his vitals weekly, showering , etc. They really are great and your Dad would come to know the nurses and aides also. God bless you and you sound like a wonderful and devoted daughter. You deserve to have your own life with your sweet little family. ❤️

You are not a bad daughter whatsoever. You are young with a young family and a husband who need you. Dad's gonna have to go elsewhere. If you can afford assisted living that sounds like it would be perfect. He might even like it!

Some have suggested you reason with your dad. I found this an impossibility with my mom. She insisted that I stay to care for her in her home or get someone else to do it. My son helped for 4 months. That's all he could take. After 7 years of caring for her, it turned out I couldn't handle it any longer. She was mostly nice to me and to everyone else. Sometimes not, but that was the Alzheimer's. Even so, it wore me down. You say you can't do it any longer. You know that and it really doesn't matter if your dad or anyone else thinks you should continue to do something you know you can't do. Find him a good place and move him. My mom is happier now in assisted living, which seems a miracle, considering how determined she was to stay in her home.

Hi Natalie. I have just read Your post and I could feel Your Heart break. Of coarse I could never think I'll of You because You have Cared for Your Dad these past three years with the greatest of love but unfortunately a time does come when We need to make the right choices, and You are doing so by putting Your Husband and Children first. You are a young Girl and You and Your Husband & Family should be enjoying Family Life Together hence please do not feel guilty as no Person here on this wonderful Site could condem You as We are not here to Judge rather to help and support fellow Carers. My advice is to make arrangements to get Your Dad into a nice Care facility near You so You can call to visit once weekly.
Yes Natalie most of the Members on this Site are American, also Canadian and World wide as I am Gaelic and many of my great Neighbours from the UK subscribe Here too.
Good Luch and I wish You great peace and joy. John Joe.

You have too much on your plate! You need to tell him how you feel! It sounds as if he's kind of clueless to the needs of others. It is easy for older people to become very self centered and not remember how it was to be young. It also sounds like he doesn't know how to do for himself! You may need to teach him and then don't back down! Let him do it! He needs to see how hard it is for you! If he can afford assisted living look into that! It might help for him to have a social life! He's tooooo comfortable right now!

I couldn’t imagine what you are goi g through. It is too much for you and your family but on the other hand blessing your dad with your care and a home is the the greatest thing you can do in hindsight.
If he has the funds, what about having someone come in from a reputable care agency a few days a week to give you a break? Say three days a week where you leave and they can provide him with companionship, light housekeeping, and any type of medical appointments. I didn’t have my mom move in with me because of this reason but I did get a caregiver for this reason in her own home and carried it over when she moved into her Assisted Living for peace of mind.
You need to care for you and your family and as you go through each day the stress will build and believe me there will be break downs. But now that my mom is gone, I am so happy I got her the extra help when I did instead of just brushing it off because I was frustrated and felt like I was going down a rabbit hole.
It is awesome you’ve come to this site to get some great ideas.