My mother is being difficult about her upcoming surgery. Any suggestions?

An update; she answered the phone and said she'd been sleeping. She is understandably exhausted after all the commotion, so I can give her a pass for that. I am hoping we can continue with a relationship where she knows her limits with me and vice versa. Time will tell, but I know I will have to remind her when she's doing too much.

Right now, I am asking the maintenance person where she lives to go check on about the door, as he said he'd be working on today anyway. He says he will be calling me back about it, but at the same time I'm also really checking on her without having to be right there. *Praying and keeping my fingers crossed*.

Hi CTTN55,

I brought that up to her yesterday and she claims she is going. I'm sure her doctors insists upon that, but I can't believe she even considered not going. I know she tries not to be bothered, because all she really wants to do is get back to "normal" and bet on her horse races all day long. I also think she just wanted a reaction from me. This is what I mean about her. She is truly going to turn me off all the way one day if she doesn't get wiser.

I just read through this thread. So your mother is intending to skip rehab after her hip operation next month? Bad news...for her and for you. I would set new firm boundaries, and stick to them!

Hi Jeanne,

I just saw your reply after my last post. I wonder if people are seeing all of my posts because everything gets scattered when talking in this manner, but I certainly do not let anyone walk all over me including my family. Once again, when you're dealing with narcissists every little bit of contact, they will tend to run with it. In other words, just saying hello can end up being something else. I know you may be saying, yes if you let it, but no one is letting it; I will tell them where it's at in a heartbeat. I feel like my dilemma is that we're all only human and will react when there's an emergency. That's the point; I'm trying to wonder if I should become cold hearted or something in order to be left alone. That's what one of my sisters are, cold-hearted. I didn't want to be like that. Even this sister's poor son--who is an angel even to her--says she hardly ever contacts him. What kind of person is that? Even  I'm surprised at her. I don't want to go that far cuz I know what it looks like. So I look to balance things out where I have my boundaries and at the same time help if truly needed. However, sometimes balancing things out get uneven due to only being human. I hope that sounds like something someone can relate to.

I am busy doing things to prepare to return to school and I just called her to see how she's doing; her home phone is busy as if it's off the hook and her cell phone is going straight to voicemail. I texted to see how she is doing but she has not answered. This is what I mean; just a little courtesy contact and she has used it where she is probably figuring I'll just start worrying. I'm not, because the neighbor has my phone number now. Don't want to have her too involved though because she's facing her own surgery soon and doesn't need this drama either. Wonderful.

To get off the merry-go-round, you might need to be willing to jump. You may scrape your knees. It might be painful for a while. But being off the merry-go-round will more than compensate for risks and minor pain.

Since you grew up with narcissists you have been trained to endure the ride, no matter how nauseated it makes you. It may take a lot of support for you to break those habits. Does your school have a counselor? Come here often for pep talks!

Notice that your planning ahead involved contacting your instructors about their policy on family emergencies. That was good thinking. But have you contacted Mom's doctor or her neighbor and explained your new policies? Don't just plan for "what if something bad happens?" but also for "how to I make something less bad happen?"

Instead of getting off the merry-go-round, you are telling the neighbor how to help keep you there. Hmmm. You have a goal. You need to measure your actions by how they help or hinder that goal. (Just like for school.)

I hope this doesn't seem like criticism. You are not a bad daughter. You are not a weak person. None of this is your fault. You are enmeshed in patterns you were taught. It isn't easy to break through that. But it can be done. Might take several tries!

Thank you, Blannie. I really like that. The neighbor also will be receiving a copy of my mother's keys after she gets her door changed from the firefighters breaking it open. This neighbor is a Godsend because she also read my mother the riot act in a sense, basically telling her she needs to prepare better; with her will and everything. We both got after her and I was happy because it wasn't just me for a change. I knew my mother would listen when somebody else was in the room other than me and her. Also, because of what she just went through. After all of this I'm hoping she is not going to be looking to cry for me after one her reckless accidents.

What if you lived in another state? What would your mother or your mother's neighbor do if she's fallen? Whoever knows that needs to call 911, not you. You are not 911. Let emergency services handle it. You don't have to jump everytime anyone in your family or the neighbor says jump. Or if they call you, YOU call 911 and let them handle it. You can thank the neighbor and let them know you'll call 911 on behalf of your mom. You're getting her immediate help, it's just not YOU. 

Oh yes, and I gave my phone number to the neighbor just in case. You guys have me regretting that I made a big mistake because I do hear what you're saying but I told them in case of an emergency they could contact me. This is very confusing!

Hi Surprise,
The reason my sisters are MIA is because as I keep saying they are just like her, narcissistic; I sure would like responses based on that and not assume it's something else. And while I wholeheartedly agree with you about the mother and grandmother, are you saying that I should ignore her calls if she has fallen?

Let's think about this as if *you* were in the hospital or had passed on. What would your mom and grandmom do then? They would not come running to you, that's for sure! They would call 911 if they thought they were having a heart attack or if they were laid out on the floor. Stop being their private EMS service. Mom said she did not need your help, and YES, you can take her up on that and say, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you right now." There are people she can pay to help her. Don't argue.

Your dreams are worth more than her manufactured emergencies - don't quit work or school! You can do this - just be one of those people they gossip about who does not worship the ground they walk on. There's a reason your sisters are MIA.

It isn't about you. Don't make it about you.
Agree with cwillie. Be encouraging. Have discussion with doctor and mom about how much help you are willing to be and that it is absolutely necessary for mom to arrange for any care, help, rehab or other sisters to take time to help in mom's recuperation. Period.

Do what you need to do for yourself during this time. PS. I wouldn't take Family leave to help mom when you've only been on the job for a year. Mom has the means and insurance and should arrange for her own care and needs through this surgery and recuperation.

Don't use up your Family leave for this. Don't skip a semester in school. Time for sisters to step up. Tell them as much. Make mom understand that as she recuperates - that Sister Ann's telephone number is XXX-XXXX and that is the number they call during this hip replacement (give it to the doctor, rehab coordinator, home health nurse, etc.)

This is your chance to step away.

Hi Jeanne,

My sentiments exactly, but it's the "how" to part I've been trying to figure out for a long time now, because of saying it but then these emergencies keep getting louder until I have to step in. I should point out that my mother and I aren't estranged like one of my sisters. So while it's pretty much black and white for them, it's gray for me where I have my boundaries, but we know that any contact with a narcissistic person means "fighting" to get them off you because every inch you give them, you know how they will take a mile. That's how they react which I can't control, but can only keep putting them back in their place. But then the damage's done. And I'm considering taking school off my plate, because they weren't real about how heavy the load would be; it takes an insurmountable amount of time to do it. Nothing else can come up once it starts, even though they should know life happens. I've emailed the professors about any possible procedures for family issues so I won't be blindsided (even though I plan to go about my business). I asked them would they relax on (their tight) deadlines? They haven't responded, even though my academic advisor suggested I do this. So, I'm basically in unloading mode at this point because without the proper support, I know how stressful this all can get. And I'M not trying to end up in the hospital! I'm trying to find another way to get credit towards my education and I'm currently studying for certifications instead, where it's self-paced. While I want my degree, I am realizing it could literally kill me to try to get it. I'd need all the right things in place first.

Ceeceeneedsme, I think that is an absolutely excellent plan. Get off the merry-go-round for a while. Notify everyone who needs to know, and then do it.

Thanks again for all your responses. The things said here is what I have been doing; saying what I will and won't do. I also warned that once I start school again, I won't be available. There's still back and forth going on almost as if I never said anything. When she fell, she left me about 10 messages, even though I didn't know at first because of the Voicemail app kept saying I didn't have any. But today, I tried calling the voicemail number, something I never do because I'm used using the logs. Should I just ignore messages like that that she is on the floor; in the hospital? Please know I'm no pushover either. That's why I'm at my wit's end, because like I said, I will tell it like it is, go on about my life and things become to the point of alarms instead of settling down. What I did at her apartment before getting her out of the hospital was clear the area where she can move around better and set up her rocking chair to the table she likes to sit at all day and night and put a door stopper pillow under it because she was saying it was too unsteady for her to get up from. Then I cut out, letting her and the neighbor she was explaining everything to that I had things to do and had to go. She was very thankful, so that was cool. Therefore, I am VERY vocal and stand by my plans. That's why I'm frustrated this still keeps happening. I have my boundaries, but with a narcissist--and I'm dealing with my sisters and grandmother (yes, her too I decided upon quiet inspection of how she came at me this past week) who are also narcissistic to some degree or other. THAT'S why my sisters don't come around as they should. Not because they learned healthy boundaries, as a poster suggested. That's a laugh. I may decide to unload school right now (and I'm an 'A' student, so not trying to get away from it) because all that family drama, school and work (my job is a crazy place too where it's hard to concentrate on anything but mostly drama--a place that helps disabled people but there's staff who is mentally challenged their damn selves) is pissing me off where I just want peace of mind right now. No one is listening no matter how much I go off--even had to tell my 93 year-old grandmother to back off and she claimed she was going to have a heart attack. I responded all of them are about to give me one, the one they keep calling on! Does that sound like someone who doesn't know their boundaries? But I'm just sick of it going there and right now I need to get off the merry-go-round for awhile.

As far as having a family meeting - was your mother at it too? She should be. Then you can ask her - with everyone hearing the answers? Also, as an afterthought, record it, as everyone hear things differently.

I wish you the greatest of luck, I wish you some time to yourself and the peace of mind to enjoy it. Huggs

CeeCee, do you mean mom is coming home NOW and skipping rehab, or is planning skipping rehab after the knee replacement.

The first is questionable; the second is nuts. Step back from this madness.

ceecee - decide what you can/will and cannot/will not do. Your mother needs rehab after a hip surgery, She is jerking your chain. Tell her that she needs rehab, but if she decides not to have it, you will not be available to help her except...whatever conditions you set up for yourself. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated into doing more than you have decided to do by FOG -fear, obligation and guilt. You cannot substitute for the staff at a rehab facility. I agree - find a therapist and learn to set boundaries. it is the only thing that will help you.

In life, we all have choices. Choices about what to do and what not to do. Your mom chooses things that imperil her health and safety. She's totally open to doing that. But it's NOT OK for her to then pull you into the drama (or to have other family members pull you into the drama) when things go south from her poor decisions. It's only complicated because you haven't set boundaries and made those known to your family members (including mom). You describe other family members as being "cold" but maybe they've set boundaries and are not willing to up-end their lives to take care of mom and her poor choices. Maybe you could learn something from them?

I think you need to calmly decide what you will or won't do in the future. Just because you drive, doesn't mean you're the only one who can respond. And you don't have to listen to what "other family members" want you to do. If they're hellbent on getting things done for your mom, let them figure out how to do it. What would happen if you weren't there? Someone else would have to fix it (like maybe another sister).

If your mom is going to continue to live where she lives, then she needs an emergency call button and she needs a lockbox on the door so that the police and EMTs can get in without breaking down the door. The lockbox is similar to what realtors use when they're listing a house.

You're being pulled into the drama because you're letting other people put your mom's burden on you. You simply don't have to do that. Figure out what mom's best choices are, make those known to her and if she doesn't follow them and gets into trouble, let HER solve the problem. She needs to go to rehab after this latest fall. If she chooses not to, that's fine, but she doesn't then get to pull you in when she has issues and emergencies as a result of not doing the wise thing, which would be to go to rehab. She doesn't listen to you because she knows you'll jump in and fix her poor decisions. Stop doing that! 

You need to take care of YOU first - GO TO SCHOOL and let mom live her life. Help when you can with pre-set boundaries ("Mom, you need to go to rehab. If you don't, I can't help you if you have problems as a result of not going to rehab"), but don't be pulled in anytime there's an emergency caused by mom's poor choices. You'll still be a good and loving daughter even after you set boundaries.{{{Hugs}}}

Ceecee, it is difficult, and it is stressful, and it is a tangle of emotions and practicalities and too many chiefs and not enough Indians (if we're allowed to say that any more).

Your mother is the chief.

You would be a willing Indian, if she would let you. But she won't. So you can't be.

Go to work. Go to school. Don't skip a semester.

Filter out from your mother's communications anything that you can practically achieve, and do that cheerfully.

Block in your own mind your grandmother's and your aunt's and Uncle Tom Cobley's and all's counsels of perfection. They're stressed too. They don't know what to do either. Fortunately, what you do isn't up to them. It's up to you.

Everyone's entitled to an opinion. Everyone's entitled to express concerns, to offer help, to talk to your mother, to ask questions, to say what they think. You haven't a hope of controlling who does and doesn't chuck in their two cents' worth talking to your mother, and frankly even if you could do that you've no right to.

As things stand, it is your mother who makes the decisions about her own choices (and she who has to take the consequences). And it is you who decides what you can do, if she will let you, to help. Everything else is so much background noise.

You don't like her choices? You'd rather she deferred surgery until a time when you could supervise her rehab? Tough. It's her hip. And if it all goes pear-shaped because she didn't listen to your advice... well, then it will be tough on her, won't it. But that still doesn't make it your decision, and it certainly doesn't make it your fault.

Barb Brooklyn,
She said she is skipping rehab and coming straight home afterwards which is crazy. That's what puts me between a rock and a hard place because on one hand I leave her alone with her decisions and on the other it ends up becoming an emergency. I'm counting on her friend to be here during that time but he lives down south so I always have to be ready anyway. And I repeat, I do not want to have to do anything where her and anyone's life is concerned that is causing chaos, whether they mean to or not. That's why I had to unload the friend who was sticking her nose in. At this time in my life I know what peace is and I'm fighting for it all the time it seems.

To answer some questions about being too involved I need to clarify I definitely do not want to be immersed in my mother's affairs because of her narcissism and therefore it gets chaotic. I am the one who lives nearby so I keep getting caught up in her stuff in the end. They all call me and also because I drive. Plus I thought being her daughter that I was doing the right thing but in no way do I need or want all of this! I want to be left alone if you want to know the truth. The bottom line is I am not a cold individual like I'm finding some to be in my family. I'm also not looking to jeopardize my health or time. So what should I do, just ignore any calls for help? And to answer about the door being fixed somebody has to be there because her things are there and I have her spare keys being I live about 15 minutes away. Lord knows I wanted to move a long time ago, but I live in a co-op and they have their rules about moving; it would take forever. Also, I got laid off for a while. The poster who say things are getting complicated couldn't be more right. That's how I've been feeling; that it seems my situation is more complicated than others. I thought it was just me but the poster confirmed that for me. I'm actually running over there right now. Like I said, I'd normally be going about my life but when it comes to emergencies that can't be avoided. And I'm afraid my mother is finding a way to get to me through these emergencies even though I know she didn't do this on purpose, of course. But she has this way of smiling and saying I worry too much after she gets me all riled up. And I tried the family meeting suggestion with everyone and they just go silent like there's nothing to discuss. This is definitely too much. I'm at the point where I need to unload some things and talk to a professional if possible.

Dee Dee, I understand that you are a loving daughter. But listen to what Jeanne is telling.

The fact that your mother is making poor choices does not mean that you have to fix the consequences after the fact.

Isn't mom going to rehab after this accident?

Thanks for the update, Ceecee. You describe a very complex situation that is very stressful. But you know what? It doesn't have to be that complex. Simplify, so you can continue with your schooling and get on with your life.

Could you have simply called the caretaker or super or maintenance person at your mother's apartment, explain the situation, and ask to have the door repaired? Was it really necessary for you to take off work and go there personally? This is just a small example of what I mean by simplifying.

Recognize that you cannot control your sister or your grandmother. Your sister can change jobs, stay where she is, take FMLA, take care of mother, or ignore all of you. Her choice. Extricate yourself from her decision process. She'll do what she's going to do. You need to decide what YOU are going to do, and stick to it. Let others know your decisions. "Gramma, mother says she will get some in-home help when she comes home, and she doesn't want me there. I am going to respect her decision. I will be working and going to school during her recovery."

This situation has gotten way too complex. Work to make it simpler.

CC, you need to take care of your own life. Could it be possible that you are using mom's surgery and the family situation to not go to school?

Following mom's surgery her doc will likely prescribe rehab. That would be for a period of about a month. It could be longer or shorter depending on Mom's progress. She will have 24/7 care there and PT twice a day and OT at least once a day. And rehab she would not need to leave the facility, no ice and snow to deal with at least until sometime in March and she will be stronger and hopefully pain free.

So, try to relax, let it go, sounds like mom wants to handle it her way, let her. You go on with your life. Who has mom's power of attorney? That should definitely be done before her hospitalization.

If mom is going to return home, she will need a Medic Alert necklace or bracelet. When you fall just push a button that alerts medical authorities. They call her and can hear her from any room she's in. If she needs an ambulance, they send one. Can't remember the price but very affordable ($25./mo?)

You sound overwhelmed-like many things are attacking you. Can you limit the amount of time you spend doing things for your mom and let someone else help out for awhile? Can you reduce the amount of phone calls you take from everyone who wants to information about your mom? It sounds like ya'll need to call a family meeting and discuss who is going to do what for your mother. There's a lot of drama in your family that needs to be cleaned up. Each sibling needs to take some responsibility for your mom (it's not just your job).

Do NOT skip school. There is a high probability that you'll never go back if you quit now. You owe it to yourself to finish your education.

Hello,

Well a lot has happened since I last posted my response. By the way, speaking of my last post please forgive all of the typos as I was having trouble posting it and didn't even know it went through. But I do thank everyone for very good advice. Some things are doable, such as if she wants to do this surgery now during the winter time then that is her choice. I let her know this by saying I didn't want to cramp her style and she should do what she feels she needs to do. My thing with that is that I've seen for a few times over the years where I had to see her face busted up and one time her teeth as well. There would be a screaming match for her to get checked out and to take precautions but she would just yell to leave her alone. In the meantime, my sisters nor anyone else had to deal with it, it has just been me. So I hope you can see where I would be concerned that she would be rehabbing while there's ice and snow on the ground because she is not the type to stay still until something happens. Which actually brings me to the unfortunate situation that has currently happened where she is in the hospital as I type this because guess what... she fell again while dozing off in the house. To make it worse, no one knew until two days later. She had to lay on the floor and she says she fell asleep again while trying to get up. Thank God, she was able to call 911! They came and busted the door open to get her and bring her to the hospital. Everything went wrong because for one I didn't want to bother her after that discussion about the surgery that I tend to do because she gets irritated real fast. So that's the only way I can reset our buttons. Another thing is my grandmother found out and was trying to call me while I was busy getting things together for school. But I was checking for any voice mails which kept saying I had none. Turns out something's wrong with my voicemail app! So my grandmother's niece finally texted me and I had to find out the phone number where I called her and she told me to check her apartment because it probably wasn't secure. I go over there and I had to be careful because I was able to push the door open even though it was closed. But I didn't know if anyone was in there. Long story short, I went over to the hospital afterwards and everything is okay even though I have to take off from work too so I could do solve the problem of the door which is locked now because I went over there earlier today and then a maintenance guy was able to turn the key to secure it. Tomorrow I hope to have it fixed before she gets home from the hospital. What a scare! This is what I'm talking about what I go through.People tell me to just go about my business, but it's impossible because I'm dealing with a mother who is both stubborn and tends to make bad decisions at times. And we tend to go back and forth because she thinks I'm trying to control her where I really wish not to be having to deal with it at all. I try to be a planner to avoid issues that she thinks I'm crazy for. So we definitely think differently. You have no idea how much I want her to just live her life. I'm not the type to be wanting to tell anybody what to do, let alone a grown person. I feel like I'm in hell right now, and to make it worse I have had family like my grandmother and sister in my ear sounding accusatory about things I told them I cannot control. One minute they would tell me to relax and the next minute they're going off on me. My sister even claims she will be there for my mother so I wouldn't feel alone, but at the same time she sends me FMLA information that I already know about by the way, as if she's telling me that I will need to take off from work to help with my mother. Then she tells me recently how she wants to change jobs so how can I even think about her using her FMLA to come help? Do you see all this back and forth and how it's not as simple as it seems? On top of that, I have a friend who happened to be a neighbor of my mother who I recently had to end the friendship because she was intruding on our family business. Even though I asked her not to get involved, her response was "what is it, do you think I am going to replace you"? I told her she couldn't if she tried. There's even more to it with another sister of mine she was also sticking her nose in about. So I ended up having to tell her off and left her alone, but the thing is my mother still talks to her. Before they were just going to tenant meetings and such, but when my mother found out she was a friend of mine's she started acting like they are these good friends now. She has always done that where she had to be involved with my life and friends (the competitive thing). So do you see what I mean by the moving parts I'm dealing with here? I'm trying not to let it interfere with what I have to do but it is very stressful. How can one go to school and study heavy material like that? I keep going back and forth in my mind about skipping this semester that I don't want to skip. That certainly is more than enough for now. Any more good advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you for all of your great advice.SueC1957, I most definitely don't think that that to heart and that's exactly what I want to hear; your objective truth. My thing is this more moving parts in this whole thing that I could not put all in one post. I will explain further, right now is late

When mother needed a hip repair aged 99, she changed her mind from having it done locally (to her, I am 5 hrs drive away) to having it done in another city even further away from me. She made arrangements for her own transportation, and rehab for afterwards was set up. I had said would come down when she had planned for it locally, but couldn't when she chose to have it even further away. Her reason for the change was she could have it sooner. So be it. It went well without me around. I would just have been another body anyway. When she discharged herself from rehab before she was ready, I was not available then either. She managed without me. Go along with your mum's plans, and your own plans. My mother is hard to get along with too, and I have learned that I need to keep firm boundaries, and that I will never please her. Don't even try! Good for you going back to school. I wish you success. Use your money for your own old age.