My mother lives in an independent living apartment. She has all kinds of activities and three meals a day provided and a lot of people to visit with. But does none of it. She has every excuse why she can’t do anything.. and makes me feel guilty about everything in her life. I love my mom, put sometimes I think life would be so much easier if she was gone☹️
that sounds terrible and I feel bad for thinking that! I have a brother that shows up maybe once a month?? And a sister that tries but my mom has issues with her (goes way back).
I see that my mom is starting to lose it mentally, but a lot of it is for attention and not true and that makes me upsets and makes me angry. I am not sure what my options are? Maybe I just need to vent.
No question about it. No, you can't do that. And you must stop thinking that you can.
When you say "makes me feel guilty about everything in her life." Is she blaming you, really? Or is it more that every time she complains or wrings her hands or dredges up negative memories or just looks miserable, you feel compelled to make everything better?
I don't underestimate the weight of negativity, I promise you. My goodness it can pull you down! But careful adjustment of expectations can really help - maybe that's the thing to work on.
There seems to be a whole world between living & managing independently: going out using senior transport, arranging lunch dates & hobbies etc at one end & being dependant: requiring lifestyle staff to arrange suitable activities at the other.
Your Mum may have left the shore of independence & is coming adrift a bit. She may not trust she can cope in the social activities she used to do. But she feels comfortable & safe with you & so will increasingly want you to be her constant companion.
But you need a life too.
Does her IL have Assisted Living? Would you consider looking into that? If not right now, for the future? (With the intention to steer her to a more structured type of living, more routine, more staff).
Otherwise the old slippery slope is waiting for you & you both begin to live her life (while yours is sort of pushed aside).
the frustrating part is I give her advice and try to encourage her, she agrees with me but then has
excuses about doing anything. And understand being comfortable with me and I do like to do things with my mom and have set up one to two days a week to spend with her. One minute she is really happy where she lives and the next she is not. ( she does not get along with my husband so noway is she coming to live at my house) It has gotten to point I just agree with her on everything and then ignore it. Her new thing is she wants a motorized
wheel chair because a lot of other people have one ( she can walk just fine with her walker). She wanted to paint so I got her everything she would need and has not touched it,
she need plants and did water them and all died. She needed a cassette player to play old music and has not touched it, I could go on and on. She lives in a fantasy would!
Happiness is an inside job, meaning we cannot make other people happy; it's up to THEM to create it for themselves from the inside. Your mother has plenty of opportunities to mingle, socialize and keep herself entertained without relying on you, which means you have nothing to feel 'guilty' about, even when she plays the guilt card hard. Keep reminding her of the activity calendar she's missing out on, of her own choosing, and that you have a job, a life, a family, etc etc, and cannot be making trips over there continuously to entertain her. Get her a magazine subscription (my mother loved People until the dementia got too bad for her to be able to focus on reading) and try introducing her to crossword puzzles and word searches which are very good for the brain. Also pick up a monthly activity calendar from the IL place she lives at so you can remind her of social activities she may enjoy doing.
And for yourself, set down boundaries and decide when you will go over there to visit. Pick a day of the week (or whatever) and a time, and plan an activity to enjoy with your mother. Lunch, a movie, shopping, or something else she'd like. The only thing my mother wanted to do when I took her out was either eat or shop. Nowadays she's wheelchair bound and in no shape mentally or physically to do anything, really (lives in a Memory Care ALF). So once YOU determine what you're willing to give here, then you can calm down and feel less guilty in general. A daily phone call/check in seems to also help with being lonely and having her feel like you are part of her life.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward and finding a happy balance with the whole situation.
You set Boundries. What ur willing and not willing to do. Seems like siblings are somewhat involved. Has Mom been like this most of her life? Maybe brother visiting 1x a month is all he can do because Mom is toxic?
You cannot make her happy. She refuses to be involved that is not ur fault. Do what u can when u can. Put a day a week aside. Take her on errands and maybe a nice lunch. But keep ur life. Tell her she is where she is so she has something to do. Maybe go with her to some of the activities to help her meet people.