Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I thought this situation sounded familiary, and sure enough -- you wrote back in October 2022 regarding the same situation.

You are the only male -- you have five sisters. Two of them are local to MIL and FIL. They are the ones making all the demands, correct?

All the siblings are not caregiving the same amount. In October, you stated that some sibs are looking into ALs. So this tells me that your H is not the only one who is unhappy with the current situation.

Did your H follow any of the suggestion that the forum gave back in October? Do you think he will do so now?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
CCWargel Mar 2023
You're right. That's me. Nothing has changed since October, though we've: managed to get my FIL to tour 2 care facilities. (He liked them. He's willing to go. Mom wants kid care to continue. No one wants to cross her. My H told her "this is unsustainable." She said--"You're just too busy. You need to back off some things in your life.") There are some really stubborn folks in this equation (mom, 3 of the SILs). Though it's bad for his health, my husband can't break from his lifelong desire to please them. He's mentally broken that several siblings only see Mom's needs and overlook his stress and health.
(3)
Report
See 3 more replies
There are close families (often meaning that they're manipulative) and there are caring families (often meaning that they're manipulative). You've got both.

If the parents haven't recognized that this can't go on, they're in deep denial.
Why can't your husband speak with his parents separately from his sibs? He could point out that what was only a short-term solution in the beginning has become long-term and unsustainable. In this wonderful close family, isn't it okay to talk with each other? Or can people only communicate through Leader Sib? Who guilts everyone, apparently. Why would your husband even want to maintain ties with siblings who refuse to respect him, his opinions, his work responsibilities and his own needs?

I don't for one minute believe that there are no caregivers available. There's always someone who sits with elderly people, or has an aunt who could use a bit of extra income and helps around the house, or a nurse who enjoys working with elderly, or something. This narrative suits someone's purposes. Very interesting.

Your husband needs to maintain his health for your sake, and I hope he'll man up and say he's out. I wish you (and him) lots of luck.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hang on. What's this bit about "kowtowing to mom"?

Who is the actual decision-maker here?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
CCWargel Mar 2023
Several siblings refuse to admit the folks are no longer capable of reasonable decision-making about their care. They're waiting for my MIL to just pop up and say she's ready to go to the nursing home, apparently.
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
It's interesting that all siblings are at least somewhat in this rotation of "helping", yet can't see that it isn't working and that it certainly can't work long term. Usually, the family members who aren't the caregivers are the ones who don't understand the hugeness of the work and strain on family life. I guess all your husband can do is state his and your opinion, give notice that he is going quit his part in it, and then quit. He can also offer his opinion on other alternatives for their care, any facts from his research on assisted living facilities or in home care, and be sure to say that he feels it is in everyone's best interest. Everyone can still visit the assisted living facility or home with hired caregivers, take the parents for outings, and remain a family. A very much happier one. Even with assisted living or in home care, there is still plenty to do to help manage the parents' lives.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
CCWargel Mar 2023
Two kids aren't helping much, so they have little to complain about. But of course they like the arrangement--MIL and FIL are at home, and these kids don't have to do much. They're kind of "checked out." No, they don't understand the strain. Some siblings are unmarried. Several don't have kids. So their obligations are different, you know?
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Your husband is absolutely right to throw down the gauntlet with his siblings. Be supportive of this. Everyone has to come together now and democratically figure out what the long-term care solution is going to be for the parents.
If the default "leader" of the siblings refuses to discuss any different care options, I suggest your husband and his agreeing siblings stage a care coup d'etat and topple the regime of the current default sibling "leader". Otherwise your husband and his agreeing siblings will have no choice but to defect from the family. His health, family, and livelihood has to come first.
How the care is being managed now is not a long-term possibility. This will fail. It already is because it's a short-term solution.
What you can do is try to convince the other siblings of exactly what I'm telling you here.
This caregiving situation as it is cannot continue indefinitely. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I have seen many good families wrecked and scattered to the winds because they tried to maintain a care arrangement that was impossible to sustain in the long-term. The end result was everyone turned on each other and stopped speaking and the elderly LO's ended up in facility care anyway.
You know something like 40% or 50% of caregivers die before the people they're caring for. One person can only do so much. Your husband is right too say enough is enough. You have to say it too.
There are care options for your in-laws. The thing is they're not free. The parents will have to pay for them. The siblings will have to accept that. Mom qualifying for nursing care really isn't going to make all that much difference if they're living as small-town rural as you say they are.
One option here would be to bring in a live-in caregiver. Or two live-ins who split the week and privately pay. Use a caregiver website like care.com or others.
Another option is the parents get moved to an assisted living facility that also has a residential nursing home so they can still be together but mom will get the skilled care she needs.
One of the siblings can quit their job and move in with mom and dad. The parents then become their new job. They get paid by mom and dad's income and they inherit the entirety of their estate when they pass, or at least the lion's share of it. The other siblings provide coverage for their respite time off.
Your husband continuing to keep this care arrangement going is not an option.
If his parents or siblings have a problem with it, that's on them not him and you.
Call that meeting. In fact demand it.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
CCWargel Mar 2023
Thanks for the support and thoughts. Yep, there are lots of options, and they do have money for these. We are just getting stonewalled at every effort we make to have that conversation. We will keep trying. I just hope a change can come about before my husband is part of that 40-50%.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Are both of your parents incompetent to make their own decisions?
Are THEY going to be at this family meeting?
Does anyone know their wishes for their own life, or is it that they expect the children they have to act as their slaves for the duration?

For me a family meeting of 5 siblings is somewhat like an attempt to herd cats. I would be skipping that part and moving directly to MY ROLE. The role I am willing to play.

Let me tell you, were I sibling #6 here I would tell everyone this by letter:
"Mom and Dad need now to enter care. The POA needs to assist them in doing their assets evaluation, and in finding the best placement for them. I cannot further participate in care because (whatever...live too far away, too busy in family and job, whatEVER). I can't make decisions for you but I have made my own. Love you all."
End of note. Signature.That would be the end of my sentence.

I think what is needed here is that whomever is POA (and I surely would think THAT has been done in all of this?) sits now with Mom and Dad and tells them that it isn't realistic now for the children to disrupt their lives/and to continue to enable them in denying changes they must make.
The POA (s?) need to tell (TELL) M&D that in the next six months there needs to be exploration of their assets, of their choices be that Board and Care, ALF, or whatever.

I will tell you the truth. Your husband will kill himself trying to bring parents and siblings into agreement.
I am with him but I would not attempt leadership (GOD FORBID!!!!) and I would not call a meeting. I would skip that part and move directly to "For my own health I am out of this. I leave it to the rest of you to argue this. Let me know when you come to a conclusion. I will let you know what I can do, what I am willing to do."

Will he lose siblings? Maybe. But I doubt whomever wants to scrabble will be much of a loss here.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
CCWargel Mar 2023
I appreciate your advice. The POA is the one insisting MIL/FIL stay at home. Yes, it is looking like agreement is impossible.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Start with this- NO sibling in a group this large can be forced to cooperate- ultimatums won’t convince anyone who doesn’t already agree.

For his WELFARE, your husband may wind up deciding that deferring to the group is all he will be safely able to do.

Your husband will need to also defer guilt. “Guilt” can’t do any job that he or his parents or his siblings need to get done. In your (his) SPECIFIC situation, you may be able to provide a “stipend” to the more active caregiving siblings, but ONLY if you can do so without impacting negatively on YOUR OWN household finances.

You and your husband need to address the inevitable tragedy that you will not be continuing the same relationship that you were trying to preserve. The loss of a parent is always a disruption in the fabric of family life, and if it is preceded by tension/animosity, it remains as long as any of those involved give it fuel.

Your safest (not happiest) course of action is to give no fuel to the fire, while moving forward and keeping YOURSELVES emotionally safe.

You know that no sibling should consciously hurt another, but does it happen? You’re living it.

I lived it too. Take good care of yourselves, and watch cautiously how things continue at the parents’ home. Watch for the group dynamics change (or don’t).
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
CCWargel Mar 2023
Thank you! Appreciate these thoughts.
(0)
Report
If your husband is not the PoA for his parents, then the only power he has in this situation is to vote with his feet.

He doesn't need to give an ultimatum. If I were in his shoes I would send out an email to all siblings (simultaneously) stating that due to the current and increasing needs of 2 declining parents into the unforeseeable future, he and spouse are no longer willing/able to participate in the hands-on care. It should be a "facts only" letter so, no whining, accusations, pity party, etc. If you give reasons then they will attack or negotiate.

I'd then say what (if anything) I'd be willing to do (like contribute a nominal amount of money each month), or provide caregiving relief for 2 weeks out of the year, etc. Inforrm them when this change in care participation goes into effect. Then be ready for the blow-back but don't give in. Let the remaining martyrs find out for themselves the unsustainability of their plan.

No one can be assumed into caregiving. You are under no moral obligation to provide anything if your parents didn't create a reasonable plan for themselves. Adult children should not be the default solution. There is a solution but your siblings are in denial. Often in caregiving, the only solution is a "least bad" option, like placement into a facility. where they will have more socialization and attention.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
CCWargel Mar 2023
Thank you. Appreciate your thoughts and support.
(0)
Report
I am sure your husband is not the only one out of 5 siblings and I am going to assume a total of 5 spouses and heavens knows how many children are included in this insanity.
Are any in agreement with your husband that this method of caregiving is unsustainable? If so it is time to buck up and put on a united front with the ones that want to continue this.
You do not give any info on what is going on with his parents. BUT
If both are cognizant it is time to talk to the parents and tell them that this can not continue.
It is also time to tell the "leader" that this can not continue.
If you or he has a bit of time to search resources that will help with caregiving that might be a start.
If MIL or FIL are Veterans the VA might be of help.
Contact the local Senior Center, they probably have a Social Worker. Find out what resources they have that might get some help into the home.
Area Agency on Aging may also have suggestions.
IF there is resistance from anyone for getting help into the home then he has to pull up his big boy pants and tell the siblings that he can no longer continue the rotation. They will either have to take up the slack or they will realize he is the only sane one in the family and will begin to look for AL and it is very possible that with both of them in AL they will get the help they need 24/7.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
CCWargel Mar 2023
Thank you. Appreciate the thoughts and support.
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter