My husband is blind to what caregiving is doing to our family. What do I do?

I’m sorry for the situation, it’s heartbreaking for all. Please never look at it as asking your husband to choose between his marriage or his mother, acknowledge that he’s already chosen. He’s willing to jeopardize his marriage, family life, and relationship with his son in service to mom’s condition. I’m sure it’s out of noble and good intentions, he should be admired for his caring. But not at the high price it’s costing. The results, both happening now, and over time becoming far worse, will be a family filled with resentment and a son who grows distant and hates his upbringing. Meanwhile, a mom, if healthy and whole, would never want this for her family. Also, don’t immediately discount using Medicaid, my mother in different circumstances, lived in a nursing home for four years, going from private pay to using Medicaid in that time. Though it wasn’t what our family wanted for her, it was absolutely necessary. Her care was competent, compassionate, and kind throughout, no matter how she was paying. We became her advocates and cheerleaders instead of her resentful, burned out caregivers.
Consider taking your son for a short trip during the holidays. He deserves a break and it might help your husband see things with more clarity if mom is completely his to care for, at least for a few days. I wish you all peace

You have tried therapy.
That didn't work.
Your husband has made his decision and will bankrupt you both.

It's time to secretly/quietly see a divorce attorney and get the finances locked down so that your husband cannot take them all.
It's time to divorce or get legal separation to get your OWN FINANCES secured.

AFTER THAT make it clear (when the papers arrive) why you did it (which of course is to secure your own future).
Make it clear that you had no choice because all remedies have been tried.
Make it clear that your husband has made his choice to bankrupt himself on care of a woman who just may have about four decades left to live, and you simply cannot go that route.
Make it clear that you care for hubby and will attempt to emotionally support him but cannot be bankrupted by him.

I wish there was another choice, a better choice, but I just can't think of one; I would bow to anyone with a better solution for you. It takes a lifetime to save for our care in the future. I am 82 and know this. I wish you the best of luck and hope you'll update us.

What can you do - short of what you don't want to do? Your options are fairly limited. It's awful to be in that position. You love your husband and you want to help him. But at the same time, you need him to realize that he is hurting you and your son.

If you aren't willing to consider the most severe options - which I also understand, then you will have to ensure that you and your son are protected.

If you have talked to your DH and he is unwilling to budge, about the only recourse you still have is to ensure that you (and your son if that applies) do not lift a finger to help him take care of her. And I mean a single finger. Don't be available to give him respite, don't be available to help her to the bathroom or make her meals or anything at all.

If HE is choosing to care for her against what is best for his family and you aren't willing to leave (which again I totally get), then the only other option is to remove yourself as his backup, as his helper. Focus all of your energy on your son. Give him that one full time parent who is focused on him, your home and your family.

Your DH has put you between a rock and a hard place, with zero input into how he handles a situation that doesn't just impact him. You don't need his permission to stop being involved at all. You don't have to help him take care of her.

I know this is hard. It honestly sucks. I was very lucky in that the instant I told my DH I was done helping his father, he agreed and we were prepared to back off right before it became an immediate need to place him. But not everyone has that luxury and I recognize that.

I also knew that in giving him an ultimatum that I would no longer help, I was taking a risk. I took a number of them when trying to figure out FIL's care. They were calculated but still a risk. You never know how someone is going to react when backed into a corner.

But you are backed into a corner right now too. And your responsibility is to your DH and your son. And if your DH is putting your son in this spot over his mother, then your options are limited. Because it is your responsibility to protect your son.

Your Dh may not realize just how badly this is impacting his family. Or just how much you are involved in helping. You can and should take back your own autonomy and focus on your son. Maybe even the simple act of removing your assistance will be enough to open your DH's eyes, who knows.

Again, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's an awful spot to be in.

My MIL was in her 60s when it became clear that she had early onset (early in our opinion) dementia. My DH and I lived in another state 650 miles away, and relocated to be closer to her. He was about 40 years old and I was in my late 20s. No children. Our agreement was that once one of us got employment secured, we'd relocate. I got a job offer. That left DH to stay at home caring for his mother. He couldn't sleep a full night because she'd stay up most of the night smoking. She'd set the trash can on fire once from butts that hadn't cooled before emptying the ashtray. She'd refuse to go to bed, bathe or change clothes. She didn't know me well, and so I could not convince her to do any of this. She'd try to put leftovers in the oven instead of the fridge. She hid things and injured her back trying to hide something under her mattress. My DH understood that as sole financial supporter, I had to get sleep to function at work. In less than a year, he made the decision that she had to be placed into Memory Care. It broke his heart, but as her caregiver he realized it had to be done for everyone's safety and well being - hers and ours. Medicaid and her disability check and SS check paid for the placement. She lived there about a half-dozen years, more or less. It was cancer that finally took her life, not the Alzheimers. I don't know if this helps you. Maybe show this to your husband. It may give him a new perspective. I hope so for all of you.

Nobody "wants" to place a younger parent with dementia into managed care. Nobody "wants" dementia. Nobody "wants" cancer or illness of any kind to strike them or their loved ones, yet sometimes it does.

At that point, the family must decide together what's best for the family. Not to automatically sacrifice the wellbeing of the entire family for the sake of the one who's ill. That makes no sense and turns your husband into a dictator, not a team player. The wellbeing of your son is most important, as you both took on that responsibility when you chose to have him.

I worked at a Memory Care Assisted Living facility where we had 2 women in their late 50s or early 60s with advanced dementia. I'm sure their husbands weren't thrilled to place them, but it was a necessity. They came to visit frequently and the women were well adjusted to daily routines and life in care.

Dementia is a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned. You lose, your son loses, your husband loses, and mostly, your MIL loses. With such a situation, you choose the lesser of the bad choices because they're ALL bad choices. If she stays with you, 3 people lose....you, your son and your husband since you'll likely get divorced. If she goes into managed care, she loses only, at least in hubbys mind. Which is not necessarily the case, but how HE views it. Once dementia of this caliber sets in, age is irrelevant. They're all 12 years old again, regressed in time back to when they were young girls. They can be 60 or 99, it doesn't matter.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

I'm so sorry. As others have said, you may not be able to change your husband's mind, and you may need to move forward without him. He may decide that his self-imposed requirements to avoid putting his mother in memory care are more important than his marriage to you or his ability to support his son. That is his choice. But you also have choices. They may force a hard transition, but any transition is temporary - it will pass, and the goal is to get you and your son in a better place. Think of how much better your life could be in 6 or 12 months, and hold onto that thought.

That said, some things to bring up with your husband, if you haven't already. These MAY help you break him out of his denial. They may not. But you could try.
- You don't say how the care "the family" is providing is divided. If you are the one managing most of this, and your husband still has more leisure time than you, then he may not "see" the burden because he's outsourced it onto you. Have you brought him a specific breakdown of the burden for a typical week on him vs. you? Pointing out specifically how this is unfair might help, or might not (maybe he feels he is entitled to sign you up for an unpaid second job?) But you CAN say "no" to that division of labor.
- As others suggest, arrange a "vacation" (at home or away) where you do not do anything related to your MIL's care. Focus on your son and make your husband bear the full burden of his decision for awhile. It may give him a better perspective. And at the end of this vacation, consider making this permanent: "I need to focus on my mental/physical/financial health and on supporting our son. That is a full time job. If you choose to care for your mother like this, that is going to be your job, not mine." Then listen to his response and move forward accordingly.
- Re: finances, protect what you can. You don't want to be financially stuck in this situation. If you work, you don't need his permission to switch your direct deposit to a new account that is only in your name. Tell him you want to do this, and be honest that it's because you feel financially unsafe giving him control of your money. Let him manage only his own money plus the care for his mother and see how quickly home care drains his account. Again, it may change his perspective. (Also, it may make him realize that if he doesn't have access to your money, he'll be forced to put his MIL in MC anyway - really, it sounds like there's no situation that ends the way he wants it to, unless he wins the lottery.)
- Only you can say how discussions have gone in the past and how your husband manages money, but consider making him sit down and go over the numbers, especially if he is not the one regularly managing your finances. So, rather than more vague discussion of "this will bankrupt us", instead saying, "we're spending $X/month more than we are making. In Y months, we will be unable to pay for everything. What is your plan when we cannot pay for rent/mortgage/groceries? What is your plan if one of us or our son needs care, of if we have an emergency expense?" His answer may reveal to you that he is a "magical thinker" who thinks "everything will work out". If so, then you know he really cannot be trusted to deal with this rationally, ever, and that he is willing to bankrupt you all. (And if his answer is to borrow money via a credit card or loan with your name on it, consider how that may affect YOUR credit and debt load, even if you eventually divorce.)
- if you think it would be useful, try asking your husband what he would do if your situations were reversed: what if it was your parent who needed care and you were demanding he care for them in the same way? Would that be fair?

Remember: this is not about how much you love your husband or your MIL. Love is not permission to let someone hurt you. If your husband will not keep you and your son safe, then you have to do it yourself.

Have you said to him straight out in stark terms that his mother is going to get worse and die from dementia (unless something else kills her first) and there is nothing that he or anyone else can do about this, BUT he does have a choice as to whether to destroy his marriage? And he has a choice as to whether to seriously negatively impact his relationship with his son likely forever??

It sounds like you need to divorce him to preserve your half of your money before he spends it on her.

please see a divorce attorney at least to talk this all out with a professional

I don’t think your Husband “has placed his mother above you and your son”, as Loopy suggests. He thinks he can have it all – you will accept this as ‘a good wife’ while he does what he wants to do. He thinks you have no options except to go along with this – or divorce, which he can’t believe you want (because actually you don’t want it). Separating the money right now is a good step. It’s something you can do, which has an important impact well before leaving or starting divorce kicks in.

Your post doesn’t say whether or not you are working yourself. “Her care is going to bankrupt us both financially” suggests that you have at least some separate finances. If you are a rare ‘stay at home wife’ in your 30s, you might thing about getting a job. If you work, make sure your income goes into a separate account. Our ex-neighbor stripped their joint bank account (including H’s Christmas pay) the day she walked out to go to live with her mother. If he is angry and self-righteous, he could do that to you. “Now she’s got no choice, ha ha”.

And yes, drop down any care you provide yourself. If he’s out at M’s, take yourself and your son out to do something nice that he would also have wanted to do. Don’t hang around being miserable.

Telling you the following probably isn’t very helpful; I’d rather be telling your husband. May I speak with him for a moment please?

Sometimes the most loving, caring thing you can do for someone with dementia is to find a safe and happy place for them to live so you can carry on with the responsibilities of your family. The tie between you and your mother will remain strong as you visit her and advocate for her. Your tie between your loving wife and son will heal and grow stronger. Your mother will be relieved of the burden of knowing her care is causing strain in your marriage which, by all rights, should carry on long after she is gone from this world.

To you: My experience has been that when men talk about working as a team, it only applies when they are the captain.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find a way to stay together and your husband is able to see the necessity of changing his focus back to the person to whom he made vows. If not, you do have choices; they are painful, but better than the pain you’re feeling right now which is not of your own choice.