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i would practice the conversation with a friend and figure out the best approach. Don’t leave wiggle room. Just say Living with us in OUR home will not work. And then long pause she will say what she will say. Then basically just repeat. I would write some lines down. That’s how I have handled conversations with my mother in the past. She probably won’t like it but honestly it’s pretty rude that she thought it was ok to move into your house without talking to you regardless of what her son said.
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You don’t have to explain yourself, it is just stating I work so many hours, I am not available/ tired/ otherwise engaged after work and I will be for a long, long time.
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If you have to talk to your b/f's mother at all about this, I'd tell her this: I'm not sure if Sonny has made you aware of the fact that I'm half owner of this home we live in. And that it's my intention to take in NO roommates of any kind, including my own parents if the time comes that they want to move in. I'm not quite sure why Sonny felt it was okay to invite you to move in when I was quite certain he knew my feelings on the subject of having no roommates in my home. This is nothing personal against you, dear lady, just my line in the sand about having NO roommates living in my home. It was a personal decision I made decades ago & I thought Sonny understood it completely, but apparently he did not. If he would like you to move into our home, he will have to buy me out of my half of the ownership of this home b/c I am not going to renege on my decision.

If you put it to her in these terms, then it's putting the blame on HER SON for his dense lack of understanding of his own g/f's line in the sand decision on the matter. It leaves no room for arguments about you having to 'care for her' (OH I WON'T REQUIRE ANY CARE AT ALL) or her making noise & preventing you from working at home (OH I PROMISE TO BE AS QUIET AS A MOUSE). When you put it to her in the terms I wrote above, there is no room for negotiation. If Sonny moves her in, he buys YOU out and your relationship is over. Period. Plus it shows her it's nothing personal against HER moving in; the rule applies to your own parents too, and anyone/everyone else who wants to move in: no roommates means NOBODY moves in.
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polarbear Oct 2022
Yes, airtight and non-negotiable.
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Whitsend - a few points.

Keep the focus on you and your preferences. That way she can't say you don't want HER. Tell her:

1. You want and prefer your privacy, especially couple privacy in your own home. You can't share a home with another woman, any woman, or man or that matter.

2. You work at home, so home is your office. You need your office to be a quiet place where you can focus, do your work, have meetings, etc.

3. You understand that Sonny (her son) wants to move her in to take care of her, that he's a good son. However, Sonny will have to buy you out of your half of ownership. This is where she'll learn that you are an equal owner of the house, and that you'll move out if she moves in.

You don't need to say anything about her, her needs, her care, nothing about her personally. This way, she can't take it as an attack on her.
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To cover all my bases, I know what to say to his mother should I have to be the one to explain to her that this will not be happening, but I will be blunt and truthfully honest and this will ruin our relationship and my BFs relationship with me as well if I speak my mind right off about how this was all handled. Can someone suggest a way to tell her this isn’t going to happen, obviously from my side of things because she already thinks he wants her to come. Anything I think of comes out sounding rude, justified as they have not been respectful of my right to to refuse this, but to keep the peace is there anyway to explain it nicely without offending his mother outright? I’m just too offended by the audacity they both had to plan all this with no thought of my feelings about it that I just can’t think of anything nice to say.
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MargaretMcKen Oct 2022
Whit, my guess is that BF didn’t tell your mother the truth about how you feel. Perhaps something like “she’s not too keen at the moment, but she’ll come round”. Perhaps mother wasn’t ‘planning all this behind your back’, she was actually mislead. That’s why it’s important to talk to her.

How to do it? I’d go back to my first suggestion. You could say ‘I wouldn’t be able to do my job if you are in the house while I am working, so I will be looking at an office share. This means that you will need to arrange your own care and company for day, and also for any night waking. If your care doesn’t work out, I will have to leave, and then the house will probably have to be sold. I don’t think this is going to go well for any of us, and I have been objecting since I first heard about the plan that BF says he’s made with you”.

That approach focuses on you, not on criticising her.

If MIL is ‘normal’, she will be backing out of personal responsibility for this. If both MIL and BF are adamant about it, you really are better off backing out. It may be embarrassing to split again, I understand that, but it’s better than the alternative. If you look again, remember the old advice “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst”.
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Whitsend, send him, his cats and his mother packing. You put up with this selfish boy long enough. He needs to go live with his mother. Case closed. Hugs.
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👏👏
Bravo Whitsend!

You can SEE the issue.
You have explained what you see to BF as clear as you can.

Ball is in his court now.

He may be still deep in the FOG.. but starting to see & hear just a bit? Starting to see some new shapes in that FOG. New thoughts??

The F.O.G.
Fear: of upsetting Mom. Does he see his behaviour yet? THIS is his motivation.
Face that fear Man! LET Mom get upset! (Might even lead to a more truthful conversation).

Obligation: "she lonely and scared"
These are HER feelings - OK.
Mom needs to OWN them.
Then take responsibility for them. Her son does not have any obligation to FIX her feelings. Or fix her housing, financials etc. He can however help her to look for her own solutions.

Guilt: useless. Leave it out.
Superman felt guilty for not saving Lois Lane that time..
Many boys want to be superheros for their Moms..

Accepting the baggage of Mom's fear, wrapping it in superhero paper then passing to your girlfriend to open & deal with (like a bomb exploding in her life) is NOT hero-like.

BF can get still out of this well..

By standing up to his Mother.
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Sendhelp Oct 2022
Superman failed to save Lois Lane?
I am devastated to know this Beatty!
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Whitsend - someone already said it, but I want to repeat it.

Don't have any children with this guy. If you do, and you have to quit your job or work less so you can take care of the babies, then you will find yourself dependent on him financially. Then your option to move out (by yourself, or with kids) if mom moves in is not viable anymore or will be very very difficult.
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Whitsend2022 Oct 2022
No chance of that happening! Im 50 and I’m Locked up like Fort Knox as well! Lol
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OP well done! You’ve stood up for yourself, and BF is thinking about options as well as his behavior.

Something you could consider is that it seems reasonably common for someone to go into AL when they have money, and then AL transfer the fees to Medicare when the money runs out. I think that some states require there to be a few Medicare beds, and that’s the way to get them. If that applies to you, it might not be so good to encourage BF and MIL to realise her assets, spend all her money, and then for her to be penniless when she finally has to find other care. You might like to check it out. Best wishes, Margaret
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Whitsend2022 Oct 2022
My mom looked into it in that area and his mom isn’t ready for that yet, probably will refuse it as well when she is, but it would more expensive than her getting an apartment and living on her own. If she stays independent in her own home as long as she can, with BF helping if she needs things, then it’s cheaper than AL and the longer she can stay out of this house the better. I also will not let him take no for an answer about taking control
of her money and budgeting it because she will surely squander and over spend till she can force the issue again I’m sure. I have to make sure she knows, one way or the other that I am uncomfortable with her living here and will not ever become her caretaker so she knows it’s not a possibility so she can save her money for someone else to do
it.
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"...I will insist she has to live elsewhere until the time when she is unable to afford that, and then we can reevaluate the situation."

Whitsend - don't even give him the option that she may move in at a later time. Shut that door tight and throw away the key, or else he/she/they will kick that door wide open.
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Whitsend, Please update us on how this all works out. Good or Bad.

I so hope you get the word NO across. I think you need a good talk with Mom. No BF present. Tell her in no uncertain terms, you will not be her caregiver ever. Just because u live with her son, there is no obligation there. You own half the house and you pay your way by working from home. Working from home means you clock in and clock out like any other job. You bosses have the ability to check on you to make sure you are working 9 to 5. So you would not be at her beck and call, which you wouldn't be even if you were just sitting around. She needs to stay where she is or downsize hiring aides if she needs them. Because...she is not moving into your house. Good Luck.
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Whitsend2022 Oct 2022
I will, BF is staying at a hotel for a couple days to give me time to think about where I want to go from here. He apologized for how he reacted to our conversation the other day. I know his mom texting daily with her guilt trips and money requests and hints she wanted to move in because she lonely and scared (because she’s gotten herself into a bind with her wreck less spending/budgeting), were fresh on his mind. On top of that, he was starting a new job the next day after being off for months and it was too much for him all at once and he snapped because it was one more thing added to his plate of stress. I told him I understood all this but it wasn’t an excuse for anything he said or thought he could demand from me. I know He thought he’d found an easy solution to appease her and save him money and get her 24/7 care/companionship, and I ended that little fantasy and he had to pull his head out of the sand and realize he had to look for another solution to his problem like he promised he’d do a year ago. I’m going to insist on knowing exactly how much money his mom will actually have if she sells the house and car and pays off her debts and then what she has in the form of income and if she has enough to pay rent and bills using her cash from her selling the house and her SS/income for even 2 years then I will insist she has to live elsewhere until the time when she is unable to afford that, and then we can reevaluate the situation. She may need assistance and care later and if she can’t afford it and her insurance won’t cover it then BF will have to pay for it because I’m not free labor and this house is unsafe for her. And if that isn’t acceptable and he can’t agree that she can’t live here until
its a “have to” situation by my standards, then I’ll tell him she can buy me out of my portion and move in with BF and I’ll be on my way and he can take care of her
by himself remotely from work, like through osmosis or a psychic link since he thinks he can take care of her somehow 24/7 when he’s not here!
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@cover999

I saw your LOL (Laughing Out Loud) under my comment on the thread. You're not the first person to think this arrangement is funny and that I'm joking.
Let me assure you. I am not.
I've seen many marriages ended because of a needy, elderly parent either being moved into a marital home, or a married couple relocating to move in with a parent.
I am divorced from the man I have reconciled with. It ain't our first rodeo as they say. It isn't even our first time at the rodeo together. We've learned from our past mistakes.
We have lots of elderly people in both our families and more than a few senior brats as well.
Having a legal arrangement keeps us both from getting dragged down the rabbit hole of caregiving.
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bettty Oct 2022
I think that many here on the forum can learn a lot from you, Burnt. In other messages you have touched on the arrangement that you and your "ex-ex-husband" are putting together, and I appreciate that you are sharing more of the details. Like so many, you bring knowledge and experience to these boards. All the best as you move forward.
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“you’re going to have to learn to deal with it, if she needs to live with us it’s happening.” This was said in the heat of the moment.."

Oh come on!

This may make you laugh (or weep..) A poster's DH had that kind of Momma's Good Boy, who did not yet know how to say NO to his Mother.

Suffered that grandeous delusion of Me-Hero-Man will always help Mother! Help how? By moving his Mother in & ordering his wife to be Mom's new 24/7 help.

He of course would continue to work outside the home, return to a clean & tidy home, hot meal on the table & well behaved children. He even pulled the big rant *take care of MIL-or-I-will-divorce-you*.

I always wonder how that worked out for him?

So - any divorced women out there enslaved as their ex-MIL's 24/7 caregivers???

I think NOT 😂😂😂
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
Oh, h*ll no. No way. I've reconciled with my ex-husband and when we move back in together we have both agreed to something. That something is that we will go to the lawyer and have a legally-binding contract drawn up stating that both of us agree that neither of us will ever move a family member into our house for the purpose of caregiving. Also, that neither or us will relocate to anywhere for said purpose. If one of us violates this that person forfeits their half of the property to the other. It was my idea because this is how serious we are about no elderly relatives or any relative's troubled kids coming to live with us.
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You seem to have your head on straight. You say "your house". Do you own the house? Then you have the ability to ask him to leave and move in with Mom.

I too felt for my ex because his home life had not been good. Mom died, foster care for 4 yrs because State didn't think Dad could care for 4 boys ages 10 down. Dad remarried and moves from the South to the North. Step-mother not liked and has 2 more children. Thought he would appreciate a home, wife being there for him and some stability. Was I wrong. The man was self-centered and 5 yrs only made it worse. He remarried, didn't work. He stayed single and alone dying at 69 from CHF. He never learned how love anyone. He didn't know how.

I think your aware of what u will need to do. It will be a big NO.
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Just looked this up. Only 10 States recognize Common Law Marriages. Alabama did but abolished it.

To be considered a Common Law marriage both people have to consider themselves married. Just living together does not make a Common Law marriage.

"To enter into a common-law marriage, a couple generally has to satisfy these requirements: be eligible to be married and cohabitate in one of the places that recognize common-law marriage, intend to be married and hold themselves out in public as a married couple. In other words, a couple who lives together for a day, a week, a year — states don't have a time requirement — agrees to be married and tells family and friends they are."
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Whitsend2022 Oct 2022
No worries we aren’t in a common law state, I am on the title with him and have equal ownership of the home and if he were to die the ownership goes to me without probate. I covered my bases on him but his mom was not on my radar at that point.
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I want to thank everyone for being constructive in their comments. I am alone in this mess since moving away from my hometown after my divorce 4 years ago and I haven’t wanted to share any of this with my friends and family because quite frankly I am embarrassed that I have
1. Put up with Narcissistic tendencies knowing full well I don’t deserve this kind of disrespect and
2. I know his background from childhood and I know why he reacts immediately with so much drama and takes things as attacks on his ego, intelligence, manhood, competence, etc. when all I’m wanting to do is have a constructive conversation and compromise to make everyone satisfied and not feel slighted.
3. He has become more self aware of his issues recently and takes accountability for when he loses his filter and what effects it has caused and he apologizes and has mad some progress.

But it helps to have unbiased opinions about this and be able to tell my side of the equation and explain my feelings and be heard because that is very hard to do with him and I haven’t wanted to let my loved ones know I’m going through this so this has been therapeutic and educationally reconfirming to me. Hopefully this will work out for the best, one way or the other for both of us. I do care about his mom but I won’t sacrifice my emotional or physical health and surely my relationship, just so she can be comfortable in my home when I’m not afforded that pleasure myself.
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Based on the OPs reply below her boyfriend is a lazy. Why you would want to be with someone like this is beyond me. If you can still have children please use birth control because you don't want to have children with someone like this.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their animals. And this guy is messed up.

Buying a house with him has unfortunately complicated your severing ties with him.

You seriously need to examine why you would be in a relationship with someone so disrespectful and this is before the mom moving in talk. Just the cat situation should have told you everything you need to know about who he is.

And no your relationship is not based on love. If he loved you he would have never treated you the way he did when you moved in together. He is using you. Now are you strong enough to break ties with him?
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This will be an unpopular opinion, but…your boyfriend owes you nothing because you're not his fiance or wife. It's clear his mother is the priority, not you. Move out and save yourself. If he still wants to date you, he can pick you at your place and take you out for a nice dinner, and everyone will be happier that way.
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Whitsend2022 Oct 2022
I agree he owes me nothing, but basic human rights and respect as an equal. Everyone is entitled to that, BF, GF, Friend, or relative. And no one should expect something from you that they aren’t willing to do for you as well.
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Do you even have room for your boyfriend's mother?

Ask him who is going to take her to doctor appontments since you work all day?

If he throws out the word selfish again you need to give it right back at him. Doesn't he see that it is selfish of him to expect you to watch his mother and deal with all her issues? What is he doing to help?

I like the suggestion of teling them mom has to buy you out of the home. This way there will be plenty of room for her things there. I'd come up with that figure ASAP. Those are his options...mom moves close by but he is solely in charge of her care or she buys you out of the home and you leave.
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BlueEyedGirl94 Oct 2022
Oh I can answer that. He is STILL going to think she can take his mom to the doctor. Because I can promise you that he isn't going to think her taking time away from her job is as important as him taking time away from his. For some reason people just don't make that connection with jobs that allow you to work from home.

I love my husband, but before he started to work from home himself, he was as guilty of this as anybody. I would get so upset with him. When he had a day off work, he would pop into my office and just lounge around and want to talk, or ask me to come help him do something, or ask me how much longer I was working or if I could come out for an extended lunch with him. I work a professional, salaried job that requires me to be in meetings, that requires me to do tasks, that requires me to meet deadlines. I have worked for my company for many years and I have worked from home for a large number of those years. I'm blessed to have a job that lends itself to telecommuting. But I have to schedule my time very wisely and ensure that I get all of my required tasks done, attend all of my meetings and have a quiet environment in which to do so. it would infuriate me that he didn't seem to respect that. For some reason it is very hard for a lot of people to understand that working from home is real actual work.

So I can just imagine that if her boyfriend is disrespectful enough to just decide to move his mother in without consulting her, he's disrespectful enough to expect her to give up her time without regard for her job to take care of his mother and he's going to expect her to respect his job and his time because it's outside of the home and working from home implies a level of flexibility that just isn't always there.
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I told my DH 20 years ago that his father could not move in with us so 'we' could give him better care. "we" of course meaning 'me' and I held tight. It almost cost me my marriage.

Dh used every tactic in the book to get me to bend and I did not. We still had 2 daughters at home and a teenage daughter? They'll suck you dry, emotionally.

When I finally said "Ok, I will move OUT with the girls and you move dad in, that will be the only way he'll live in our home".

20 years and I am still being called selfish and small. I ended up going to FIL's condo 3 times a day to get him meals, dress his MANY wounds and make sure he was taking his meds. It was hard and I was more than a little resentful, but I did it for a few months. Dh did absolutely NOTHING in the 'care' dept. Fecal blowouts make him gag. FIL vomiting made him gag. He didn't so much as put a dish in the DW. Any type of care that involved blood, feces or urine or vomit--he'd sit on the couch and try to keep from puking. I scraped feces crusted underpants off his dad, stripped him naked and put him in the shower---and I never received a thank-you from my DH. Because, as he put it "we take care of our own". I don't know who the 'we' was in this scenario. Maybe he had a monkey in his pocket.

After 20 years, I am still a little mad at my vacant DH. He did literally NOTHING for my parents, yet he expects me to step up for his. Doesn't see the irony.

My situation is different in that I was married--had we been living together--that's a horse of a different color.

Hang in there. Do NOT get sucked into this drama.
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lkdrymom Oct 2022
You basically described what the OP will be in for if her boyfriend's mother moves in.
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I continue to be astounded by the number of people who post here about their spouse or significant other who just decide that they are going to move an entire person into their home without consulting them. It just boggles my mind.

Whitsend, you mentioned that you work from home. Let me just give you a quick snapshot of how this will go if you don't put a stop to this now. My FIL has FOUR caregivers. One of them 100% dedicated(my SIL). Two live in (SIL and BIL) by their own choice. And then two backups (myself and DH). And unfortunately it takes all of us. SIL does not work outside of the home and BIL sets his own hours. DH and I both work from home.

Let me explain to you what a lot of people think work from home means. They think it means that you can do whatever YOU want when YOU want to. Even after COVID and the rush to do many jobs from home. too many people still think that working from home means that you aren't really working. Or that you can just stop working and drop what you are doing whenever you want to. They do not equate working from home with actual work. They do not understand that you likely have set hours and need to be doing your job during those hours. And if you are like me, you probably actually work MORE because you work from home. I likely work more hours from home than I would if I worked in an office. And though it does afford me some flexibility, I am 100% working when I'm working, I can't just drop everything I'm doing.

I learned this the hard way when I volunteered to FIL-sit for a while SIL/BIL went out of town. My DH's computer had to be hardwired to our home network and mine didn't so I moved my work from home set up to FIL's house while SIL and BIL went out of town. DH continued to work from home during the day. I even sat FIL down and told him that I was working during the day and that he could not behave as he would with SIL (he yells, whistles, claps whatever it takes to get her attention when he needs something for example and then he will start blowing up her cell phone if she doesn't respond).

Those three days of working from their home were horrible. Even though he knew and I repeatedly told him (and quite frankly he was better for me than he normally is for her) it was still like I had a toddler in the house. The constant needs and calls for help and phone calls while I was working were next to impossible. Normally he sleeps all day. He chose those three days to be wide awake all day. It was nearly constant. To the point where I just cleared my calendar and did my best.

Why do I say that? You know why. Even if you draw a line in the sand and tell him that you will not help her during the day when he is gone to work....you will be in that house alone with her. She doesn't need help right? Just wait. She will, even if she doesn't really. She will find 5,001 things in her new home that she has questions about, places she wants to go, things she needs to move, find, go buy, questions, etc. And she will come to you because you are home and it will be "really quick".

I don't mean to be a Negative Nelly. I am actually a big proponent of generational living - my family actually does it well on my side (not FIL, but my own personal family with my mom). but when you don't choose to do it and you are forced into it, that's a terrible start to begin with. That is your home too, and those decisions should be made together. There are other options.

He needs to understand that you will not be caring for his mother. But you need to understand that even if you come to that agreement, that's not what will happen in reality and figure out how to deal with THAT as well. What will she do with her days when he's not there and you are? How will you handle that part?

Because not allowing her to come is the only answer and that is what you have to figure out. Because once she's there, he is going to make her your responsibility.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
Absolutely right. People often have a misconception of what working from home is.
It's the same job as when you go into the office only shoes are optional.
Same work, same hours, footwear optional.
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You are not even married for heaven’s sake. There is no legal commitment between you and your BF and therefore it is presumptuous and exploitive for him to even suggest this arrangement. It sounds as though you are adamant that you do not want her living with you and this is a deal breaker for you.

Therefore you should be in survival mode and be ready to dissolve this relationship should it come to that. As selfish as this sounds, you need to put your needs first because no one else will. I know this because I’m going through a similar misery. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.
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If you also are an owner of the home you live in, you have rights. You do not have to allow anyone to move in.
You are right to fight this because you know what will happen. His mother who you barely even know has absolutely no respect for you and couldn't care less whether or not you want her there.
Your boyfriend and his mommy have plans that you have not been made aware of.
Those plans are that he moves her in and you become enslaved to her caregiving needs as they increase.
There is no such thing as 'combining' households. That will not end well.
There's a wise old saying my former FIL used to say. Back in Poland he raised honey bees and continued that tradition in America.

'One queen in a hive'.

There can only be one queen in a hive because when another tries to step up they cannot co-exist and will fight to the death.
Now you are the queen bee of your home. Your boyfriend's mother will want to be in that role. Then it will become a competition for his attention. He will choose mother and you will become the worker bee in your hive. No way!
You lay it on him straight. His mother is not moving in. If he insists, end the relationship. Tell him he will have to buy you out of the house, or it will have to be sold. I hope it doesn't come to this for you, but if it does believe me you will be better off.
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MargaretMcKen Oct 2022
Not wanting to be picky, Burnt, but I think if the worker bees feed up another queen, she doesn’t fight, she flies off with some of the bees to form a new swarm. Just as relevant a tactic for here, probably!
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People are saying: It is a deal breaker!

It is possible to separate/divide the house while you two are living there.

Once a separation is happening, think of it as purely financial/legal. You will feel bad, but leave that out when discussing it with your attorney.
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Is he trying to get rid of you? I can’t think of a better way.
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My husband is well aware it’s not on option. He would be served divorce papers and the house would be put on the market.

Why would you allow this? If he’s so adamant, get a new boyfriend.

Sounds like he needs to get his priorities straight
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Offer a compromise. BF can go live with mother at her home. See how that goes. Personally I would rather live alone than live with anyone other than my husband. I already told my husband I would never live with any of our parents. He was surprised and I was surprised that he thought that it would be a possibility. I actually like his mom the best of all our parents but I still won’t live with her. I work from home too and we have a small house. No way it would work with someone else here all day! Dig in your heels now cause once she is in it will be very hard to change.
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If you are in a relationship where someone decides unilaterally to invite a third person into the home without consultation or conversation, it's time to seriously reassess.

This is how he thinks. His mother is his first priority, clearly. There will be no changing his mind.
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Having read through the comments, and your additional comments, it sounds like this guy is a jerk in any event and you would be better off leaving him.

I know that is easier said than done, as I assume there is an emotional attachment and you do value him in many ways, and as people have pointed out there is the issue of who owns the home, and can you buy him out, or he you.

I dont know for sure, but I would guess this is not the first time he has shown his selfish colors, but it will not be the last.

You are young enough to move on without him, find someone new eventually, and live a better life.

Having her move in would be horrendous on so many counts.
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polarbear Oct 2022
Karsten, good seeing you again.
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Living with my mom was hard enough. I cannot imagine living with someone else's mom. The elder person, as you say, will always want everything their way. And how on earth are you expected to work from home with her around? She won't just plop down somewhere and stay put quietly while you work. You said no. You mean no. You can't and won't. She has a house. She can either stay there and get help when and if she needs it or sell it to move closer to her son. If she wants to move, she should do it now while she is able, but not in with you. You've already "combined" by buying a house with him. How complicated does he want things to be? Suggest to him all the other possibilities you can think of for her. Perhaps he simply does not have a very good imagination. Since her house is big, he could move to live in her house with her and visit you occasionally. But he's probably too "selfish" to do that, right? This all should just be thrown right back at him to show how ridiculous he is being.
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