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I like the answer that this is a get away for just hubby and you.

There are so many reasons why he can't go. The edema would be my main reason. I flew home Air Canada from Vancover to Toronto back to the States. The flight to Vancover was almost 5 hours. We flew economy and we had hardly any leg room. Had a hard time crossing my legs. Were like sardines. I just read from Vancouver to Hawaii is over 6 hours. Incontinence is the other thing. Those bathrooms are very small.

I am sure this trip is going to be very expensive. Its your recharging time and you do not need to have Dad along. You want to enjoy it with no worrys. Just tell him that this is a second honeymoon for you and DH and that sorry, your doing it alone.
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BCMan100 Oct 2022
OMG, I am the hubby, least last time I checked! 😁
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i would take the passive aggressive approach and just not mention it again or tell him the trip is canceled (but still go). definitely don't tell him it's because he's too old and frail! February is months away, in that time he could forget (if he has dementia) or something might happen with his health that makes it clear to him that he can't go anywhere. when it's trip time tell him you have to go away to a funeral in some boring place like cleveland. you would of course need to make arrangements for his care while you're away but i'm assuming you're already doing that. but directly telling him he can't go will mean four months of dealing with his resentment and there's no point in that.
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The reason he isn't going with you is not because he's "too old and frail". The reason is because the vacation is for you and your husband to refresh your marriage and you are looking forward to being alone with him — period. He may or may not be upset (and if he is, that's his mild dementia talking so ignore it because it's irrational). He may or may not remember the conversation. Don't bring it up with him again and if he does, gently redirect the conversation to something unrelated.

Are you open to finding someone to "keep an eye on him" while you're gone? I have to do this with my 93-yr old Mother who lives next door to me and still drives, and has mild cognitive and memory impairment. I have neighbors make up reasons to knock on her door and call her, people who just happen to bring by some home-cooked food, etc. I leave on trips with better peace of mind.

You aren't your Father's entertainment committee, even if you are his PoA. With memory loss it becomes more challenging to keep your LO busy in productive or enriching ways. You will need to readjust your expectations.

You maybe can promise to take him on a day trip to some place when you come back (something not strenuous for you). Give him parameters and ask him to think of places (or people) he'd like to visit. If he comes back with unrealistic destinations, this is his early dementia talking. Maybe the days for travel are completely over. You don't have to say this part out loud, but just make reasons why trips arren't doable "at this time" -- and it should never be because of you, it should be cost, travel conditions, timing, etc.

Have a wonderful vacation and don't worry about things back at home.
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Geaton777 Oct 2022
BCMan100... my apologies: you are the hubby!
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Here's how you handle it. He's not going. End of story. Don't tell him what hotels you're staying at or any of your travel information.
As for the guilt, have a mai tai on the beach. In fact, have two or three. Trust me, the guilt will simply melt away with the tide like a sand castle.
Most importantly, have a wonderful time and enjoy your vacation.
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I have a standard answer that I use when others invite themselves on my vacation or weekend trip.. I laugh and say "It's not a vacation if you take everyone from home with you." It's not directly personal to that person, just a general comment.
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How about a long (or short) weekend to a resort an hour or two travel from where he lives.

If THAT works, promise another at some time in the future. If NOT, cut back to a ride, a great lunch, and an afternoon away, then home?

Do not sacrifice YOUR opportunity for misplaced guilt. You and your husband have needs and you are a kind and loving child to your dad.

It may be time for you to begin adjusting to the fact that sooner or later (probably sooner), he will need much more help, whether he “wants” it or not. “Reality” right now is ultimately more fair and loving than allowing him to think that he’s more capable/independent than he actually is.

Super tough for both caregiver and declining elder.
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I'm thinking Dad could go on holiday - just not yours.

I wonder if at some level maybe Dad knows this..

Start researching Senior Assisted Living places that take people in for temporary respite time. Find out what it costs, how it works & if Dad is eligible. (Where I live a needs assessment is required first & it is partially funded by the Gov, the rest self-funded).

Ok yes, 'assisted living' is a fancy version of 'old age homes' but before you write it off..

A place that has full meals provided, a decent room & activities that he may like (not just ladies doing flower arranging) well it WILL give him a change of scene, new people to meet, a break from cooking & other chores.

Anyway, that's one idea.

PS. Dad's motivation to join you on hols may actually be caused by feeling anxious to stay home without your help.
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I haven’t been through this, but I think you should stop feeling guilty, and focus on how to make it clear without upsetting him too much. Perhaps you could check the airline conditions of travel, and also the insurance policy issues. Find a way to tell him that they won’t let him go, rather than a judgement on him. The insurance is actually quite important, in view of the risks he runs and the costs of ‘air ambulance’ type emergency options.
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