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If she has the resources, Is it time for Assisted Living (or an independent living situation where she may transition to AL without having to move)? My experience as the primary CG for 2 sets of parents is that it doesn’t get better. If Mom is that insensitive now, it will become more so as she ages. And it’s likely your resentment toward her and your clueless sisters will increase.

In AL there will be activities and social opportunities, too, that you are not able to provide. She can build community there. Whatever you do, keep receipts for EVERYTHING! Best wishes.
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If she has resources and needs the help have her resources cover caregiver expenses and personal supplies.

We allow a rent free situation so that resources can cover caregivers which gets expensive quickly. And will be necessary to keep in a private home.

Also I am no longer on speaking terms with one sibling who refuses to help with anything to do with our elderly parents because 1) she refuses to help with their needs which are basic and not specialty and 2) she suggested allowing the parents the opportunity to move in with her at market rent AND having them pay caregiver expenses. AND she still wasn’t going to help them.

Regardless of your outcome is sadly you may find permanently strained relationships with your siblings if their were never conversations previously to your mother’s downturn.

I have a mother at 88 and father at 92. Did well medically until Christmas 2020. Now both need basic help. And it’s just myself and boyfriend and paid caregivers involved. Have 2 siblings that could help but won’t. I caregive 3 overnights a week to reduce cost and it is costing me a lot as unpaid. However these are my parents and I find peace knowing I am doing what I can to allow them to stay out of facilities. And your mother likely didn’t charge you as a child. Your compensation can be knowing you did what was best her last years.

So thank you for housing your mother. If she is of sound mind it’s not unreasonable to have a conversation relating to finances but at that age your mom may become stressed and feel like a burden from the topic. It’s difficult. If you are not financially burdened another alternative, if she is of sound mind,is you could consider amending her estate planning. But the cost of attorney and further stress with siblings may not be worth it. I know now my last years with my parents will be at the cost of not having relationships with my siblings in the future. Unfortunate but reality. This is where you realize you may have grown apart from your siblings as adults. Good luck. Make sure you put your mother first. She has less time left and you will need and want peace. Not ugly burden memories.
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What’s wrong with even MOTHER sharing with expenses?! She’d have expenses if she lived anywhere else. Her living with you is costing you financially and emotionally and other support. Your siblings know there will be more inheritance for them if she doesn’t have expenses now. They will want an equal share even though they’re not helping care for her. Take your heart out of this part and think rationally. ❤️
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Can you get paid, from her LTC (Long Term Care) insurance?
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Gracie61 Jun 2021
Usually there are conditions to be met to use the long term care insurance, certain amount of ADL need help, or what the facility offers like on site nurse, check the policy. Different $ limits per day in home or in facility care. Also usually won't pay for Independent Living.
My Mom's LTC insurance has a dollar amount cap per day and also for lifetime benefits. For her current Memory Care cost , her policy covers all but $200 each month, after she private payed for the 1st 90 days. But based on current costs, the policy will have payed out all they will in 5 years. Then she will be back to private pay. She has had to private pay for an extra caregiver when she needed more help after a couple of falls/hospital, also as she had maxed out her daily rate from just regular memory care costs, and at $28/ hr it adds up quick. You don't want to start using the policy too earl if you don't need to, then have less choices when you need LTC
So....if you are not finding her living with you a burden, either financially or emotionally, I'd let the money thing slide. Now she should contribute something to the household, if she can. Help with meals, laundry, entertaining the grandkids etc, based on her age/condition. You are giving her a place to live, not being her entertainment director or maid.
Dissues now, and research the LTC choices in the area, and her finances, and at what point you would not be comfortable with her living with you anymore. When she needs help dressing, bathing, toileting, dementia issues. When you can't leave her alone, or vacation?
If living with her constantly is too much togetherness, find a solution. Like she spend 3 months with each adult child, or finds a close senior living apartment or IL/AL.
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I'd be taking the household bills and dividing by 3. Get some guidance re a caregiver agreement from a certified elderlaw attorney. They've been down this road many times. I'm sure if you let your siblings know you are DONE and they can take over, they will see things differently as they go off free to lead their unencumbered lives.
My only sibling left town claiming she didn't like winter (nor her family meddling no doubt) and moved thousands of miles away. Prior to leaving the righteous little you know what told me that if mom and dad had some issues, that I should just put them in a home, as I was entitled to a life of my own. Well, here we are nearly 20 years later. Situation a bit different as my employment is low pay and I am living under THEIR roof, rent free...however I feel I more than earn my keep for helping with their major needs...there to clean poop off the floor and laundry which we all know is women's work; to cook, clean, pay attention to safety issues, make appts, advocate, hear, explain (dad is deaf) and so on. I figured that was my rent and then some, and because I do feel a family obligation to help as I can. However last fall the stress of it all and working caught up with me and I nearly died. My health situation took much out of me, and now I could use some help! The sibling couldn't care less, but makes twice weekly phone calls to her daddy to remind him how she loves him. He is naive and clueless. Our mother wouldn't be conned, but she has dementia. I do think it takes a long time, but once you adjust, if you can, to the siblings not going to do a thing, it will make you do what you need to do to make the circumstances you are in as tolerable and comfortable for all of you. Wishing you the best....
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Daughter2peeps May 2021
Please take care of yourself! You need to put your needs first. Obviously the stress has impacted your health. I’m going on ten years of care giving, although my Dad passed in 2017. I have mom living with me since. I still travel a few times a year, although with Covid I haven’t in the past year and a half. Just started getting back to having lunches or outings with friends. It’s good to do that for our overall health. My mom is almost deaf also, even hearing aids don’t help a lot. I get it, it’s frustrating repeating yourself over and over and having to raise your voice for them to hear you. That alone is stress! Also, I am an only child so I don’t even have a sibling that possibly could or would help. Please try to take the time to do something just for YOU.
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My mother lives with me also. She pays no rent. I and my husband are on a fixed income. Mom sold her home and has plenty of money.
When the bills are high because we can not open windows when it's nice because of her allergies, I just let her know and she's very happy to pay any and all bills.
We cannot burn wood in the winter cause mom is on oxygen 24/7.
The gas bill gets high and like I said I let her know and she's there to help.
We have a different scenario than yours. But I would think and hope that your mom would not take advantage of you.
If things are that bad between you all, I would suggest that she go live with one of the other sisters or pay the amount that you are asking. It's not good for you to be angry with them. If mom would not pay the bills that she has caused to go higher and paying nothing to live there. I would be angry also.
I'm sorry I can't help solve your problem. And I know through my own experience that there is usually more going on. My advice would not help.
I would just pray for God to help me, what ever I have to deal with.
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Sorry if this offends you. Your mother raised you. It is your mother. I would not take her money towards your mortgage . However since she has the sale of her home and able to have care paid for her . Do that. Use some of her finances to bring in care for her. Use her finances to purchase her comfort products. Your mortgage is yours and has been yours mom has not caused an increase in that. You can even use her funds to purchase healthier foods fir her. you can hire help fir her which will allow you time to get out and have space . You need to set up an account that both you and mom are co- owners of and use that account for her needs . I have been in the same situation and spending her money on her needs with bank transactions as proof has shut down people looking at you with I’ll intent. If there is true transparency in her care and the cost of it than there are no issues . At the end of the day can you sleep well knowing you did your best for her. When she is gone you will never get a second chance to make things right . She can help financially for her care but I don’t believe she should pay for your lifestyle.
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disgustedtoo May 2021
While I'm of the same mindset about rent or mortgage payments (they likely haven't increased because she lives there), I do feel that mom should contribute to increase in utilities and food/supplies that she uses. This could be calculated by taking an average of the cost for a few months before she moved in and comparing it to now (some flex due to increases in costs over time.)

However, you and others have said things like "Use some of her finances" to pay these increases and/or to pay for hiring help. While this can be done in cases where the LO has set up POA and is cognitively impaired, thereby activating the POA, this isn't the case. Per OP's original post:

"(She has her full faculties)"

In this case, the mother would have to agree to use her funds to cover these expenses.
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My Mother has lived with my husband and I for 3 years now. She has dementia. Prior to her living with us, I spent increasing amounts of time "checking" in on her in her home. Fender benders, unpaid bills, horrific housekeeping, hoarding etc. It took me 2 years to clean out her hoarder house and get it ready for sale. I did this all by myself. Fortunately I am retired. My brothers are very aware of my efforts.
My 2 brothers love my mother and me very much but they are too far away to help. We are in 3 different time zones.
On the advise of our attorney, my Mother now pays us monthly a "reimbursement" for her care. It is not taxable to me. What she pays us is a fraction of what she would pay in a long term care facility. As a family, we are fortunate to all agree on this arrangement. Also none of us siblings really need the money at this point in our lives so that lifts a huge obstacle out of the way. Yes it is an incredible burden on my husband and me and yes, I sometimes resent it.
My mom will be 90 in September.
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Biggbrowneyes May 2021
Great advice! Thanku because it is helping me also with advice on what to do
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I agree - what do the other siblings owe mom? With that said, mom should pay her own way - at the least her share of the groceries, her personal bills, her share of gasoline if you are taking her places specifically for her. You could charge her rent - and while you say mom has plenty of money - how far will that go if she has to go to AL. Make sure you keep detailed records in case you mother ever needs to be enrolled in Medicaid. There are contracts for personal services, rental agreements. Keep receipts and detailed records, record mileage for her trips alone (see IRS for current mileage amounts).

If this is getting to be too big an issue for you, see if any of those other siblings are willing to take mom into their homes, or better yet, would mom consider moving into IL. In IL she'd have access to other seniors her age, have activities she can join in. Depending on the IL facility she may have 2 - 3 meals/day, housekeeping, transportation to shopping and medical appts. This would ease your anxiety and mom would be in a safe environment. You and your siblings would still be there for her needs.

My parents took the responsibility on themselves and moved to IL - while still in IL they gave me their POAs to act as their agent and soon thereafter I took care of their finances - paid their bills. I started accompanying them to medical appts as they could never exactly remember what the DRs said. They were both more than willing to pay for gas occasionally. Eventually they needed to move to AL living because of dads continual falls and then dad had to move to LTC where he died a few months later. Mom continues on in AL and I continue to handle her finances.

Find a solution that works for you and mom. Know that if mom isn't happy she is going to complain to siblings - so the siblings will chime in - however unless they have a solution other than you need to do - then ignore them.
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You didn't mention whether you liked having your mother live with you. Is she a burden in any way? How frustrated are you that she is taking you for granted? From my perspective, this is part of the equation.

The easy solution if Mom is causing stress is to help her find another place to live.

If you love having her live with you, then you have to confront her and share your concerns, set up a budget, and tell her if she wants to stay she will have to pay monthly.

Regarding your sisters, you are an "only child" if they don't help you or your Mom. They don't get to have an opinion.
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As far as I'm concerned your sisters have no skin in this particular game. They shouldn't even be consulted. This is between you and your mother.

It sounds like you didn't discuss finances prior to your mother moving in, so it's important to do so now. You need to think about and write out what you want to say, and BY ALL MEANS know ahead of time what you believe is fair for your mother to pay. Be honest, loving, but non-emotional. If you let your emotions enter in, it will not go well for you or your mother.

I hope this helps.
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I think your siblings are afraid all her money will be gone and none left for them. You need to read between the lines. Some family members started asking me for money they thought they were entitled to after my dad passed. I bluntly told them it is moms money and she needs it for her future. One brother actually had the nerve to draw up a will leaving him with lots of money. He asked me to to sign it. I certainly did not sign it. He kept on telling me it was his right as a son to get his inheritance. He wanted me to sell the house and mom and I move to a assisted type living facility. I am glad I was strong, family relationships are not the same. One brother does not speak to me and wrote me off. I was close to him all my life. I forgave him, but do not need all the stress from all the drama he has caused since my fathers death so I welcome the peace. Do what you need to do and never mind the rest. Be firm and insist on your mother helping out. There is no free pass here. It is expensive to live and we need to take care of ourselves too. Your mother is one fortunate lady to be living in a nice house with family. I hope she does not blow it.
Your mom needs to help with the expenses plain and simple .I would have a serious talk with her about the living situation and expenses. It seems everything is on your shoulders and for that I would not give the rest of the family any say about the matter. You have every right to get compensated. I would encourage your mom and you to consult with an Elder Attorney. You are a very kind daughter to take your mother into your home. I hope everything works out for the best and you find a solution soon.
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If you don't take care of her, which of your siblings are ready, willing and able to accept her on the same terms that you currently have?

Time for a family meeting, even if by Zoom to ask who is available starting tomorrow.
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earlybird May 2021
Gary, very good point!
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Dear sandeambernard,
Your siblings will only get worse and expect you to do more ~ mine started in a similar way and ultimately left my mother penniless. And emotionally, it took its toll on me then, and to this day. They will make you the bad guy now or later due to their jealousy of your success and happiness. Act now. Protect your own sanity and create a clear boundary. You have worked hard to create your life, protect it because you deserve it. Mentally prepare for sibs to never “play fair”.

Your mother sounds as though she would thrive in a senior apartment with people her age all around. My parents were in an age-in-place so they didn’t have to move out when health crises occurred.

Find a senior housing specialist if possible (good ones are no cost to you). Have your mom tell them what she would want to have and have them work together. Have your mom sign leases and contracts with movers. Get her out.

I did all of the housing associated tasks with my parents and was rewarded with having siblings turn me into the county for financial exploitation (unfounded), telling my parents lies to undermine their trust in me and ultimately, they participated in draining my parents resources to their own benefit. And heartbreakingly in the end, very sadly, they caused such great stress to my parents, to a point which I often wonder had it been better if I had walked away years before.

Mine ultimately ended up being a damned if you do and damned if you don’t because I cared deeply.

With your siblings current stance, I don’t see how your “rift” will lessen - take great care of you now.

Best wishes
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Demand a mediator - impartial third party who has no interest in the out come of the dispute.
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speak up
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That is a lot of work and expense on you. My mother lived with us for two years. She paid monthly and for any items I picked up for her.

I think she should be paying you regardless of whether you actually need the money or not.

I hope it all goes well for you.
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You are doing a wonderful thing for your mother and I commend you for it. But the living arrangement should be businesslike. Your mother should reimburse you for monthly living expenses (rent and food, personal items, etc.) and also for expenses you incurred while helping to sell her house. If you need to hire aides to help her at some point, the expense should also be paid by her. If you need to hire a cleaner or other help because of the extra work, she should split the cost with you. Make sure your mother's paperwork is in order: she needs a will if she has assets, power of attorney for medical and financial decisions, a living will with her medical directives, and some banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms. Be sure you are on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. Hopefully you will be the POA. You'll probably need an attorney to help with these legal documents if she has assets. Take care of yourself and get help when you need it. Don't try to be a superwoman juggling your own responsibilites, work and now having additional responsibility for your mother. Be sure you take breaks and vacations. You'll have to discuss this with your mother and ideally there will be a written contract. This sounds weird when it's your mother, but your situation is complicated by having siblings who may be concerned about what will be left for their inheritance. This is a good thing to discuss with your attorney.
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I feel for you.. and wonder if you have a spouse and family members who are weighing in on this issue. If I were your wife/husband, I would have to staple my lips on this!

My family went through this issue several years back, Mom stayed at my brother's house she and Dad GAVE to them. (.) She stayed there for four months then found a senior apartment nearby. They have the family home and contents... when my sister and I moved her into a very good memory care facility... they were notably absent in the process. Mom and Dad went through all of their resources and traveled in a motorhome cross country for several years before Dad died... almost like he planned it that way.

Folks; No one is entitled to inheritance!!!! I had to work for everything... so should people coming up after me. If there is something left, great. Leave it to them if you like.

PS: Establish the expenses incurred in your Mom's stay and present it now, before she dies and you have a family issue. Good luck to you.
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This is a no Brainer, but requires you and spouse to get Backbone to notice that you are being punished by siblings and mother. Insofar as, yes it is really true that if you do better, then you reportedly owe everyone and get treated like crap if you do not. Been there, was taking care of a sister's cell phone bill in order for her to help out another sister who had money in the bank, spouse so called working and 3 adult children all working too. However, when that Sister who was not employed but donating 24-7 caregiving to our sister who I placed in Hospice and set up, without any income requested assistance with getting to her daughter's, the reply was to come see me. Thus, let your siblings do their part and as I write this you will know mother will pay her way, as she should. People treat you as you allow. I stopped this action after that issue occurred, and although I have always been generous, done with feelung I must pay to be part of family. End this action, it will not matter, others are envious of what you have and that is why no one will assist, or if they do not want her, she can leave and pay for her assisted living arrangements.
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This is a no Brainer, but requires you and spouse to get Backbone to notice that you are being punished by siblings and mother. Insofar as, yes it is really true that if you do better, then you reportedly owe everyone and get treated like crap if you do not. Been there, was taking care of a sister's cell phone bill in order for her to help out another sister who had money in the bank, spouse so called working and 3 adult children all working too. However, when that Sister who was not employed but donating 24-7 caregiving to our sister who I placed in Hospice and set up, without any income requested assistance with getting to her daughter's, the reply was to come see me. Thus, let your siblings do their part and as I write this you will know mother will pay her way, as she should. People treat you as you allow. I stopped this action after that issue occurred, and although I have always been generous, done with feeling I must pay to be part of family. End this action, it will not matter, others are envious of what you have and that is why no one will assist, or if they do not want her, she can leave and pay for her assisted living arrangements.
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If you feel that it’s a drain to have your mother there then other living arrangements for your mother need to be made. And at 85 years of age, your mother’s health could take a decline at anytime soon and you would be burdened with a whole different and more complicated set of issues. And with what you are feeling right now, your stress level may only increase impacting your home and work life.

You need to be concerned about what’s right around the corner. Insure that all your mother’s paperwork (will, advanced directives, DPOA, etc) and finances are in order. Then maybe make a plan for senior independent living with some sort of step up care. Or make a plan for her to pay you for your expenses and pay for any home care assistance she might need.

When I stepped up to manage and oversee my mother’s care there were some people that seemed to have a lot to say about what I should be doing although they wanted no responsibility. I had to ignore that and make decisions on what I thought was best for me and my mother’s health and safety. I was the POA - not anyone else. Make that long range plan ASAP because worrying about the “rent” for now is only a temporary bandaid to what might become a huge headache in the future.
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Tell your mother she either needs to move to her own apartment (or AL) or pay you to stay in your home. If you don't immediately this money, you could keep it in a separate account for helping with expenses if you need to hire extra help for your mother in the future.
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Your sisters don't want you paid because that means less inheritance for them. Your mother probably isn't thinking about money at all, or she feels she's getting a great bargain. Talk to your mother and set down some rules. If she won't contribute financially, send her to one of your unhelpful sisters and see how she likes it.
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ssnow04 May 2021
You are exactly right....my family is the same way. They had their eye on her inheritance and acted like they cared so much.
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You should speak to your mom about it.
Don't worry about your siblings as what ever arrangements you make with your mother, let your siblings know that they can make the same arrangements and mom can live with them.
You should let your mother know that you love her but you feel used that you did everything and wasn't compensated for it when she has plenty of money to have done so.

Let her know what amount you think it was worth and for the time she's already spent staying at your house room and Board free.
Since you don't need the money, you can have it all written up the amount and what it's for and have your mom date and sign it stating that the money will be paid to you once your mom has died before the inheritance is given out.

I assume the inheritance will be divided equally amongst you and your siblings.

Then, let her know that she has a choice in regards to the future.....

#1
She can continue living with you, for Total $$$ Amount. Have a list of what will be provided, rooms, food, cookinh meals, cleaning, taking her to her appointments, ect.

Choice #2
You will help her find her own Senior Apartment, ect to live in.

Choice #3
Go to Live with one of your other Siblings

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you getting reimbursed for your efforts since she is more than able to do so.

I find it totally selfish and unfair for your mom and Siblings to have not suggested what would be a Fair Amount.

The only reason they haven't is so they'll be more money left for their inheritance.

You are more than late to be bringing this up but better late than never and SHAME ON YOUR MOM AND SIBLINGS!

Juse because you have more than they do doesn't mean anything, you worked your butt off as it wasn't handed to you on a silver platter.

Be Fair and don't worry about anyone's feelings as they have already shown not to worry about yours.
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clavecin May 2021
The mother signing an agreement needs to be done with a lawyer, witnesses etc..to be a caveat to her present will.sisters can always sue the estate on charge that mom signed under duress.
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If she has the money and her faculties why is she even living with you. For her socialization and your mental health, it’s time she lived in Independent living someplace. I’d like to hear why you don’t consider this and then the fight over her paying you is a non issue.
your siblings have no say in this matter...period. It’s your home, your rules. If mom doesn’t like it then she gets to pick which child to live with. You teach people how to treat you is the saying Dr. Phil uses. Set your boundaries and don’t allow them or mom to trample on them.
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We went to an elder care lawyer when confronted with a similar situation. We had an off the record candid conversation with him covering all areas and then brought in my MIL. He suggested an equitable arrangement going forward for all concerned. We were very happy with his suggestions. We presented it to the other siblings as the lawyer plan and no one had any objections.
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I’m sorry but she wouldn’t be able to live rent free anywhere so I would be asking her to do so it’s very unfair of her to think this is acceptable tell her you are finding things tough and she needs to start contributing as you can’t pay for everything your family are being selfish and when the time comes that she passes away they will want their equal share stand your ground and get something worked out
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The rift is already there, unfortunately! It is your self respect that is at stake here and I would fight to keep it.
Hit them all with some hard facts - stats are useful at this stage. Say you have worked out how much it is costing to keep an additional adult and send them a break down, all of them, so there is no interpreting/misrepresenting. Compare what it would cost to pay commercially for what you do. You will surprise yourself and them!
Be prepared for a change and if this involves another sibling taking your mum, then good! Even if it was temporary it would demonstrate that it is never easy to accommodate another person - even if it is your mom. My guess is they will not want that and then a compromise can be met.
Being taken for granted and guilt tripped is horrible. Stand up for you, no one else is.
Good luck! xx
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Merely explain to your siblings that because they are okay with mom freeloading from you ask them what date would it be appropriate for her to move in with them.

As for your mom just sit her down and explain that it is respectful for everyone to contribute for the day to day expenses. If that is not expectable to her feel free to move in with one of her other children. There is no debating about it. When the bills come in we will have a sit down and each will pay their share. If she does not the locks will be changed on the door as she leaves.
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