Why do so many mothers emotionally blackmail their grown children with fear, obligation, and guilt?

Curlysue - DON'T jump to your mom's tune! So she can go out on her own..or find some friends.You're not obligated to be her entertainment. If you jump every time she mentions being alone, she'll never learn to entertain herself - just like a child. Do what you want to do and let her find her own way. And ditch that guilt!

Thing is blannie she doesn't like anyone she is very judgemental. We had her enrol in a social activities club after dad died, she does go on days out, holidays but she has always got a gripe, either someone is too fat, or scruffy or bossy you name it she'll complain. I try and spend as much time as I can with her but it is not enough I feel as if I am really fighting to lead my own life if she happens to ring me and my phone is engaged she wants to know who I'm talking to, I never tell her and it drives her nuts. My partner lives in another state he would love me to go and move in with him and the way I feel right now is to pack a bag and just go. I've sworn not to be like that with my two kids, I let them get on with their lives but I'm here if they need me, wish my mom was like that

Curlysue -- your mother's gripes are NOT your problem to solve. Repeat this over and over until it sinks into every cell of your body! It'll take a while, but begin to practice this attitude, and combine it with actions like NOT picking up the phone, getting off quickly and politely, and letting her handle her social life herself. YES, it's so hard, and you'll feel so guilty and awkward and horrible -- at first. But keep doing it, and you'll begin to get stronger. And happier. Believe me! :)

Curlysue, I believe that if you can afford it that you would benefit greatly to see a therapist to help you achieve the emotional freedom that you seek and need.

Your mother is the way she is and nothing you or anyone can do will change her, fix her or control her. Also, it's not your fault that she is judgmental like she is. The only one that you can is change and control yourself by putting yourself on a healthier path in life than the one she walks on.

Please read the thread "The Power of Emotional Blackmailers.
What is it? its origin? Its effects? How it's defeated by some? Why it's victorious over others?

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm?cpage=0&cm=440543#440543


I wish you the best getting out of this emotional mess.

all above answers good and need to follow. Thanks!!!
Believe I fall into this pattern.

My mother is a class act at blackmail and emotionally plays on her role as my mother and everything she has done for me in the past making me feel guilty for questioning her. As I write this 10 minutes ago, her and I had one of those talks where I asked her about contributing to the household as my partner invited her, my brother and two grandchildren to live with us. Its been 6 months and there has never been any financial contribution to the household. The granchildren and my brother are also caught up in the emotional blackmail saga as she has done this to all her children. Everytime I bring it up she threatens to go and live on the streets and how could I do this to her. She rattles off the same blackmail lines and today for the first time I didn't argue I just stayed calm and told her you've always tried to make me feel guilty and emotionally push my buttons and threaten me, I don't deserve it and I'm not playing your game anymore. She walked out went into her room and won't talk to me. As every child always wants approval from their parent, I used to follow her and apologise so she would feel better and then feel like I'm going crazy. I know realise that this is a pattern we've played out since I was a child and I choose to stop feeding into it. I am looking for a house for her and the others and the sooner they move the better. She is manipulative and will continue to do so as this is ingrained in her dna, all I can do is choose to change myself and my need for approval from an emotionally defunct parent who doesn't have the skills to love me without strings attached. I encourage you to stand up for yourself, its called tough love, it will be hard but we can always change ourselves and the choices we.make. I choose to move on with or without my Mum. Its my choice and I choose healthy love not love with restrictions. All the best, just know many adults who still are abused by their parents understand your predicament and are sending strength, courage and wisdom to you. Be encouraged, stand strong you can change your life.

I am happy to find this thread. I have a special, hard case of this. Looking back over my life, my mother has ALWAYS been clingy. Have grown up, I think it is because she was a parentified child, and so she parentified me. I did not have to do work in the house, but I remember being a teenager and going out with my friends, panicking to get home by 11, so she would not worry and would not feel alone.

Fast forward - she is 60, I am just turning 30. She has, almost surely, some middle or late stage of early onset dementia. She can eat and dress herself. She however will perhaps forget where are her shoes etc. She needs 24/7 support really and COMPANY. Not only does she expect me to provide these, her family members expect this of me as well. NOONE except one of her friends has ever mentioned that I am young and need a life.

I love my mother but I am so disheartened that everyone just throws things on me to do. I have been living in a different country for about 6 years now, but as soon as I come home, people throw so many things on me to do in the 7 or 14 days I will be around. And then they scream at me that I am no doing enough.

It is such a long story -- I cannot write it all here. But basically, when I noticed some seven years ago that something was wrong, almost everyone told me she was pretending and carried on with life as usual. Now that it is obvious that something is wrong, people are quick to tell me how much I need to be there, never offering how they will help.

It makes me so sad to see her like this. But I also get angry at the thought of being her constant companion... I dont want to live like that. I am contemplating moving back to the same country and into the same house, but I dont think I should. Into the same country is enough... she does not have a lot of money, but I need to get her paid company... i just cannot become a sad, sorry, depressed, paralyzed person, which is how I always feel when I am visiting.

I feel like I got the WORST draw. When I see people talking about their 90 year old mother, I think, my mother is 60!!! I have no children and am not married - I am yet to START a life. She has always parentified me. Now add her being newly retired, with dementia, living alone...and I feel she expresses venom towards me for having a boyfriend and having a life. It is a real mess.

itgetsbetter123,

I"m glad that you found this thread but sorry for why you find it useful.

To me there is a very fine line between being parentified and being made one's parent's partner either just emotionally or otherwise.

That thin line sort of breaks down when it comes to the problems it creates for adult children of such abuse. At that point labels are not as important as the process of getting one's own life.

I've recently developed a labor analogy.

While some people need to get a life, there are people in unhealthy relationships who need a new life.

I will say up front that I don't know anything about labor other than having been with my wife when she gave birth to our children.

Yet, the idea of labor comes to mind when I think of people who are trying to give birth to a new life, their own.

There are many people in emotionally unhealthy relationships. They desperately need to get their life back. Some are staying in those relationships. Some do so out of fear. Many of these were groomed by toxic people in their lives to not leave no matter what. Others think that if they give enough of themselves the person will change. That choice only leads to self destruction. However, some blindly believe they will be the exception to the experiences of others.

Like the labor of childbirth, there is a lot of painful labor in giving birth to one's own new life. Why? Severely toxic people will fight one's efforts to have one's own life. How? They do this via the tools of emotional blackmail, fear, obligation and guilt which is also called F.O.G.

Next, labor pains are so quickly forgotten with a new life birthed into the world. Likewise, one's labor may (likely will) belong and hard. However, the joy of giving birth to your own new life will out shine the pain!

In the labor of giving birth to one's own new life, remember to both push and to breathe!

Leading up to and in the experience of actually laboring to give birth to a new life, a mother has the support of her doctor and others. Likewise, a person gearing up for the labor set before them and in the labor involved in giving birth to one's new life needs professional help. it often calls for a therapist and others in completing the journey of giving birth to one's new life.

A major part of the whole process involves setting boundaries. Also, concrete consequences are needed in case they are broken. Boundaries are not set to change the other person, but to protect oneself. This step can be filled with fear. Yet, many things in life that are worth pursuing are often filled with fear and anxiety, but we push on.


Here's a list of some books about boundaries with toxic people.


Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans

Dealing with the Crazy Makers in Your Life: Setting Boundaries on Unhealthy Relationships by Dr. David Hawkins

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Ph. D. with Donna Frazier

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon, PhD

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans

Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life by Patricia Evans

Who’s Pulling Your Strings?: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life by Harriet Braiker

These are basic books to find help from. My list would be far too long if I listed those that deal with specific toxic relationships or those with specific unhealthy personalities either within our immediate family or with an extended family member.

Having said all of that, you are still young at 30. You can have your own life. What I went through as a child with my mom and what my wife went through as a child with her mom led us both to not feel ok about moving on with out lives and getting married until we were each in our 30's. I hope and pray that you can see the light of a new day and get your life.

Keep coming back and venting all you want and letting us know of your progress. We often take a few steps back for the steps we take forward. At times it is very hard labor, but it is worth the gain despising the pain and its often attached shame.

These were all important stories for me to read, I have one too, and I'm hoping for advice, or at least some support, and I'll try to not bog down in the details. I'm mums sole caregiver, and she sure needs one. Only child, both our husbands are dead. She has always been difficult, and I have been doing pretty well, really, but tonight I could use a little help. My Mum thinks she's Elizabeth Taylor or some such.Well, not really, but a Big Deal, Big Wheel, Better Than the Rest, and Entitled like you wouldn't believe. I don't appreciate having to do this, but if God entrusts me to do such a miserable job, He must have great faith in ME, because He believes I can do it, so I will. Today was rough. Nothing is ever enough. I say, "Look, I took care of this and this and this!", all important and hard things to do, and done well. But instead of, "Wow! It's super!", she gives me, "O, but I see you didn't do this this and this!" I am pulling out every grain of patience I have, and it's failing me. I could tell her the sky is blue, and she would contradict me. Maybe it's passive aggressive, but I don't know why, I have been a cheerful, delightful, efficient slave. Today I think she disagreed with everything I said, just to be contrary. Still hanging on to my patience. It has been pointed out to me that she hates my computer, my friends, the book I'm trying to read, and the one show I want to watch - just one, but it's my favourite, only a half hour - Because it takes me away from my being her bottomless receptacle. She agreed to let me see my show today, and then interrupted me every three minutes, so it was useless, and I gave up in absolute frustration, which I guess she takes it to me that she won that game. ( If I want to see it, I can go ahead, but she'll make it miserable for me. ) I have some personal things going on, and I need SOME space to either work it out or forget it for half an hour. But by God, I was NOT going to see that show. So I finally did lose it, and she's mad, and began to cry, and then was nasty and disagreeable for the rest of the evening. Now I have guilt, but I really, really do think I deserve just one or two little things for myself, because the entire rest of my life is devoted to her. So there's my story, I needed to vent it, and I just wonder if anyone has a little encouragement for me. I don't drive a car, and she doesn't go anywhere, so I am trapped with her 24/7. I'd really like to do better, and I think that guilt thing is an UNFAIR card to play. I am also Sick To Pieces of aaallll the stories over and over, she is the heroine of every last one, the most beautiful, most sought-after, men pining and dying right and left for the privilege of kissing the ground she flies over. Hell, she was even the heroine in MY car accident, and she was three states away. Thanks for listening, folks.

These were all important stories for me to read, I have one too, and I'm hoping for advice, or at least some support, and I'll try to not bog down in the details. I'm mums sole caregiver, and she sure needs one. Only child, both our husbands are dead. She has always been difficult, and I have been doing pretty well, really, but tonight I could use a little help. My Mum thinks she's Elizabeth Taylor or some such.Well, not really, but a Big Deal, Big Wheel, Better Than the Rest, and Entitled like you wouldn't believe. I don't appreciate having to do this, but if God entrusts me to do such a miserable job, He must have great faith in ME, because He believes I can do it, so I will. Today was rough. Nothing is ever enough. I say, "Look, I took care of this and this and this!", all important and hard things to do, and done well. But instead of, "Wow! It's super!", she gives me, "O, but I see you didn't do this this and this!" I am pulling out every grain of patience I have, and it's failing me. I could tell her the sky is blue, and she would contradict me. Maybe it's passive aggressive, but I don't know why, I have been a cheerful, delightful, efficient slave. Today I think she disagreed with everything I said, just to be contrary. Still hanging on to my patience. It has been pointed out to me that she hates my computer, my friends, the book I'm trying to read, and the one show I want to watch - just one, but it's my favourite, only a half hour - Because it takes me away from my being her bottomless receptacle. She agreed to let me see my show today, and then interrupted me every three minutes, so it was useless, and I gave up in absolute frustration, which I guess she takes it to me that she won that game. ( If I want to see it, I can go ahead, but she'll make it miserable for me. ) I have some personal things going on, and I need SOME space to either work it out or forget it for half an hour. But by God, I was NOT going to see that show. So I finally did lose it, and she's mad, and began to cry, and then was nasty and disagreeable for the rest of the evening. Now I have guilt, but I really, really do think I deserve just one or two little things for myself, because the entire rest of my life is devoted to her. So there's my story, I needed to vent it, and I just wonder if anyone has a little encouragement for me. I don't drive a car, and she doesn't go anywhere, so I am trapped with her continuously. I'd really like to do better, and I think that guilt thing is an UNFAIR card to play. I am also Sick To Pieces of aaallll the stories over and over, she is the heroine of every last one, the most beautiful, most sought-after, men pining and dying right and left for the privilege of kissing the ground she flies over. Hell, she was even the heroine in MY car accident, and she was three states away. Thanks for listening, folks.

NomdeVoyage, you have been heard!
I really believe you can learn to stick up for yourself, spending time reading about the toxic relationships on here, especially written by cmagnum and others.
How do I know? From recent personal experience.

I see my mother in all these stories. Someone commented that you'll never be free until they die and it was that way for me. My mother, in a NH the past 3 years, passed away a few weeks ago. In accordance with her wishes I scattered her ashes and felt absolutely nothing. I'm finally free.

Dear Ashlynn - I get that. Perhaps you are one of the lucky ones, I can see where it might even carry on afterwards. I am inclined to say, "I'm so sorry" to you, but I think, "Congratulations" are more in order. And "Bless You."

For some, the bondage reaches out beyond the grave for the abusive voice is still in their head. This is when some very serious counseling is needed.

Maybe I am not following your story well. So, help me understand?

Your profile says Location: Germantown, TN

It also says, your mother is in her home in Alabama.

I don't quite understand the in and out of the country. Do you want to live here and care for your mother?

Who cares for your mother when you have to leave the country because of immigration laws?

How long do you have to stay out of the country?

What country are you from?

Aren't these trips expensive?

How long can you maintain this going back and forth?

Why are you dong this for such an abusive person?

Do you have a life, job, and house of your own overseas that you maintain?

As you can tell, I'm confused. Please clarify my confusion?

Cmagnum : I have read about hearing the "inner parent", so I am cautious and make myself aware of that. Otherwise, I'm sorry you are confused. I was in Germantown when I joined this group years ago, before I was married, and when my father was alive. ( Probably should have changed that in the profile. ) The rest is quite involved, and I don't think I will go into all of that right now, because the story just doesn't extend as far as all that, I was trying to spare us all of the minute details. The trouble has been that I am impatient with my Mum, and wish I weren't. I have received some very kind and helpful answers both here, and in my email. Thank you all.

Thanks for you reply. Healing the inner child is not a self-help journey by pulling oneself up by their bootstraps. The journey really needs a professional therapist. Part of this inner healing is learned to detach the hurt inner child and detach yourself as an adult who is not bound by the emotional quagmire of one's childhood.

Some impatience is normal. Continued impatience often means help is needed.

Are you still married? If so, what does he think of all of this?

In my case , this continues after marriage too. Keep commenting about my parenting style , about my in laws behaviour , character. About my husband all the time. Threatening that I will end up a bad life if I don't understand or appreciate her comments (so called care) . Taking the breath of my soul while battling with these.
I havent found a better way to deal with this emotional balckmail yet. Luckily mine is love marriage and I always discuss with my sweet love to resolve mental conflicts.
Otherwise these blackamails are intimidating.

vidya1904,

Yes, for many it does continue after marriage for neither it, nor advanced education, or professional achievements will defeat its power until detaching with love by setting boundaries with real consequences, placing and keeping oneself on your own healthy path no matter what and facing three realities 1. You didn't make them how they are! 2. You can't control them! 3. You can't fix them!

All much easier said than done and that's why a person needs a well trained and experienced therapist to make it through the journey.

I would suggest reading the thread

"The Power of Emotional Blackmailers: What is it? its origin? Its effects? How it's defeated by some? Why it's victorious over others?"

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm

Since it is usually a female relative who does the caregiving, one would thnk that the mother would show her appreciation. In so e cases maybe the mother had a rough time during her childhood. Still therenis no excuse for laying on emtional blackmail. From my experience, dealing with this is very difficult especially if your childhood was traditional. You know the old "children are to be seen and not heard" mentality. Also agree with the connection between emotional blackmail and money. I think that the money aspect is a powerful tool, especially if the femaol caregiver is struggling financially. The parent plays on it to get their own way and take control. What these people don't realize is that resentment builds up in the caregiver. The controlling party gets so wrapped up in their own world that when the caregiver has to tend to their own needs,these people put up a fuss.

What I sometimes think that we don't get is that these emotionally blackmailing parents, usually mothers don't give a damn that what they're doing upsets anyone. Just like with a narcissistic father, a narcissistic or borderline mother is no different. With H, everything is only about them.

Money is merely a tool of fear to empower the whole dynamic of fear obligation and guilt. So much of what we consider a traditional child-rearing actually contributes to the whole dynamic of emotional blackmail.

Whenever children are treated as possessions who are to be seen and not heard or treated as little goddesses or gods something is horribly wrong.

My MIL is a narcissistic waif. She worked in a NH years ago, which was from the description a last-stop Medicaid one. He PROMISED her that she would never have to go to one. Fast forward to Parkinson's journey of many years and a recent recurrence of T-cell cutaneous lymphoma; and she and FIL stroke survivor with COPD live 60 miles away. She has now decided to try to redirect the FOG my way since my parents are both dead and MIL doesn't think caregiving my son, helping my best friend and her 89 near old Mom, and working my 2 part time jobs are the same as working full time (my husband). You have to maintain the boundaries with the helpless ones even more, because they will suck you in and drain you dry. MIL had little use for me until her health declined and my husband was not able to run to her rescue for last FIL health crisis. That is when MIL made FIL move near us 5 years ago. I have to do the boundaries with husband too because he doesn't want to see her FOG and would ignore it until I was BOGged down (b* with obligation and guilt). I keep telling him that I will provide him research back up and cover care for son at our house for all the care HUSBAND wants to give hands on to his parents. Changed the dynamic dramatically when it became I will cover other stuff, YOU cover your parents.

I agree. The blackmailers don't give a care what they say or do. As long as their needs and wants are met its okay. In their eyes, the world revolves around them and everybody else is here to cater to them. They can snap at you, insult you or treat you like a second class citizen but do that to them and it's war.

I'm a 52 year old only child. My husband and I moved in over a year ago with my parents to assist my mom at her request. Upon arrival I started noticing her very odd behavior (she has always been very controlling) however, she never sleeps, cries at the drop of a hat, follows us everywhere, goes through the trash to see what we've eaten, keeps going to the store and buying foods for us that we don't eat, and then getting extremely upset when we don't eat them, insists that we all have a set down dinner and then won't talk to anyone, sets and twists her hands in a nervous state, claims that if we don't eat exactly what they eat each night for dinner and set at the table we are destroying the family. If we offer to take them out to dinner she always says no thank you. If I try to take her out shopping she says no thank you. If we try to go out to dinner or away for the day she throws a fit. She is still driving and has totally banged up their truck and has had three accidents with it (only one was actually reported), if you try and discuss if she should even be driving anymore she get super smart with me about it. Also, she thinks she is young and in great shape. She wobbles when she walks, never sleeps, ball of nerves, claims P/T, non driving, benefits, lift chairs, walkers, elder events, etc.... are for OLD PEOPLE and they aren't old or sick. Dad had Quad bypass 3 years ago and walks with a walker, and won't drive anymore, still as sharp as a tack, but he is deaf and refuses to wear his hearing aides. He just stays in his chair and won't move unless she tells him because I think he's afraid of her. It is really becoming hard to live, and just to exist here. One day she will be super nice and almost dripping with sweetness, and then the next day all grumpy and moody and crying. Dementia, Bipolar, any help anyone???

Girlgirl what kind of help does your mom need? Do you really need to live with them? Couldn't you live nearby and just go over frequently?

She sounds to me like she has some kind of anxiety disorder or OCD (obsessive compulsive stuff), but I'm no doctor. You don't mention things that would typically be dementia - poor memory, mixing up people/things, etc.

Could you ever get her to someone who specializes in seniors, even though she's still young and vibrant (in her mind)?

I feel bad for your poor dad. Sounds like he's just trying to stay out of her way and not engage. My dad never wore his hearing aids either - I think it was his way of keeping people out.

I agree maybe not quite along the lines of Dementia, etc.... however, the story repeating is coming into play super heavy currently, forgetting, not wanting to get dressed all day, etc.... We sold everything we owned and moved down here. We don't really like Florida and aren't really planning on buying another home down here we could rent however, Dad is falling on occasions ( We pick him up and help him into bed he's 6'3" and about 210, and we are pretty much taking him to all of his many Dr.'s apps.. I can't get her to any specialist(s), and she will NOT let me attend any of her Medical Dr. apps. with her, or I would speak up. She also doesn't want to shower or wash her hair, sets in her pj's most of the time staring at her computer and playing online gambling games. She exhibits possibly Depression and something else that I am not equipped to understand on my own.

So in the overall scheme of things, it sounds like your folks could be OK on their own. If your dad falls, either just go over or have them call 911. Taking a senior to doctor's visits don't require you live with them, particularly if your mom won't let you sit in.

One thing you could do is send a letter to her doctor with your observations about her behavior and how it is affecting your dad. Make sure you indicate he's not to mention it to her. But he can ask her questions to get at some of the answers. But if she won't comply or answer honestly, there's not much you can do. Since she's so abusive to you, I'd certainly consider moving out. Or moving away.

Narcissistic and borderline parents literally believe that "the world revolves around them and everybody else is here to cater to them" but also, in their eyes, others, particularly children, only exist as a an extension of them. If their spouse dies before they do, they mainly tend to miss that _____ is not around to do for them anymore.

Therefore, you don't have a life to live apart from me (the narcissistic or borderline parent) because you are an extension of me and thus you are not a separate, equal adult person apart from me. It's just not possible for them to have an adult to adult relationship with them.

Those who grow up with such parents might think their life was normal, but it was not. They were and some still are victims of child abuse. This is what I call the dark side care giving. The dark side is very powerful with these emotional blackmailing moms and dads. Far too often they hoover their overly trusting, too wiling to help, groomed adult children into the often self-created drama of the parent with the personality disorder that they are standing in the middle of like a victim when they started it themselves. Very often when the adult child realizes they have been seduced into a trap, it is hard to see their way out. In my opinion, borderlines are the must seductive of the two personality types.

Girlgirl, you are no longer the "52 year old child." You are now the adult in this situation, and it is up to you to make the call about not driving and getting a decent medical geriatric evaluation for them both. If you can't insist because they refuse and won't be cajoled, you may have to see if someone would come to the home, unless they refuse that too, then you may have to involve social services and withdraw whatever help you are providing that enables them to continue as they are. Her buying food for you is just insane. This may require legal help as well. Things will get worse, and just waiting for something bad enough to happen so that needed change can occur really sucks if you end up trapped into that.

Dad may be more amenable to help. He may not wear hearing aids for any number of reasons - they may hurt, they may not be adjusted for his hearing loss, they may be the wrong type for him - maybe he'd go to an audiologist with you and see if at least that one small piece can be figured out.

Some of the time your mother has BPD like my mother. Borderline Personality Disorder. If these things have happened to you, you should research about BPD. I am not a reader, but there were two books that helped me get through this...The Borderline Mother and Emotional Blackmail. It took years to change myself in order to change my mother...somewhat. The hardest thing as a child is separating the idea that your are the child and must respect them. You have to find the line that is respectful to your parent or parents and also stand up for yourself. You ARE an adult and though they are your parent(s), they must respect you as an adult. The number one thing is guilt. DO NOT fall for this. Focus on the reality of the situation. If you have done nothing wrong, do not let them force you to think you did. Please please please research BPD and emotional blackmail more if you are going through this! I am helping my boyfriend go through this now and its so hard to watch, but I know there is so much happiness on the other side. Me and my mother have a better relationship today because I have learned and practiced dealing with her BPD everyday!! I am happy to share any other information or experiences if someone needs it! I am not a professional but I can tell you what worked for me and tools to help you deal.
I hope everyone here finds peace with parents and emotional blackmail.