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She can only manipulate you if you let her. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

Stick with that therapy.
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When your mother "throws a fit" tell her she has two choices--she can check herself in somewhere for respite care or she can hire someone to stay with her.

Nothing else is on offer.

Has your mother been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? This very much sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. Do some reading about that.
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Beatty Apr 2023
I meet many generous older people - who care about others, appreciate what others do for them, are conscious others have needs too.

Yet there seems to be hefty amount that seem to lose that thoughtfullness & empathy... become unable to see past their own needs.

I do wonder if it is a return to babyhood thinking.. when we think Mother (or main carer) is actually part of us, the part that meets our needs.

(Or maybe some just never grow out of their infantile entitled attitude).
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I have a movie for you to watch. It's called "Now, Voyager".

I'm not going to tell you more about it, but I think watching it will be instructive.
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fluffy1966 Apr 2023
Yes, it's a great Betty Davis role, and a terrific movie!
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The unhealthy reaction belongs to your mother, which I'm sure you realize by now since this isn't your first post about her behavior. Google FOG which stands for Fear Obligation and Guilt which are the typical manipulation devices used on us by NPD "loved ones".

Check out this article too, it's been of great help to me in recognizing passive-aggressive covert NPD traits:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

Mom is playing you like a fiddle, pressing all the buttons she INSTALLED on you. You're now feeling guilty for wanting to spend time with your own grandchildren........mom loves it when her plan comes together. Soon you'll be at her beck and call 24/7 with no life of your own, and still feeling like all you do isn't NEARLY enough.

Wake up before it's too late and you realize mother has usurped your ENTIRE LIFE! Yet she's still miserable and you're on antidepressants. Whats wrong with this picture?
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You say a social worker has visited your Mom 3 times and your Mom is the hardest client she has ever seen .

Did the social worker say that Mom can’t live alone ? That would help getting Mom placed in AL , which you said is overdue.

Also go visit your granddaughter and daughter and whatever family or friends you want on your terms . Too bad on Mom . She either accepts the help you provide or she can get it from paid caregivers in her home or in AL. She does not own you.
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"https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mom-tries-to-guilt-me-into-letting-her-live-with-me-how-long-can-i-withstand-this-emotional-abuse-479808.htm"

Above is your post from February that I am sure you got some good answers. You are 63, Mom is 96 and Dad is gone and u devote one day a week to Mom. You talk to her an hr every night.

What boundries have u tried to set since Feb? Your daughter and grandchild trump your Mom. The only way ur Mom knows ur watching ur grandchild is if you tell her. Stop telling her. I see no problem calling her daily for a check in but it does not need to be an hour. One day a week to shop and run errands, see no problem. But you set the boundries not Mom. She needs you more than u need her. Tell your Mom that your family is #1. Their needs come before hers. I so hope u have stuck by your guns and she is not living with u. Tell her if she wants to be waited on hand and foot, to go to an AL.
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Momsgoto Apr 2023
i Have to tell her when I leave to babysit my grandchild because it is across the country and I can’t do my weekly visit. This has only happened once but she immediately through a fit and I am sure it will happen again. Also my boundaries are very set and I hold them well. Once a week visit, no heavy cleaning or laboring on house repairs. Small jobs are fine but heavy work is for paid workers now. Last year she had me repaving her patio and steps. Once a day calls. She wants and need way more but I don’t give in. It’s past time for AL but she refuses. Also refuses in home help.
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Your mother has never been any different you tell us. You tell us also that you are 63 years old. And that you are uncertain as to whether to tell your mother that you would like some time with your daughter and granddaughter.

If you are unable at this time in your life, after a lifetime with your mother, to make this decision for yourself I don't think that a Forum can decide it for you. I really would like to suggest you think about perhaps seeing a Licensed Social Worker who is in private counseling practice. I suggest a SW over a regular therapist because you don't need any sort of "Freudian" analysis of what went wrong with baby, but rather a solid and concrete approach to make your life better TODAY for YOU.

I wish you the very best.
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Momsgoto Apr 2023
Yes. Thanks for your advice. I see a therapist weekly.
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Since when does your mother direct your life choices?

You are an adult. Do what you WANT to do.

Unhealthy? Yes. I would never tell my adult children what to do. She sounds like a terribly entitled person, used to pushing people to do her bidding.
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Momsgoto Apr 2023
My mom has directed my life choices for as long as I can remember. I know how unhealthy it is but she groomed me from the time I was born. She doesn’t live with me but she is 96 and needs so much assistance. She refuses to acknowledge how much work she is. She constantly says two opposite things: “I don’t need help” and “I’d be dead without you”. I have come to understand both mean the same thing ——I’m afraid. But even with understanding and reassurance she still wants to direct my life. I have been so patient with her. I still love her but my life is short now and I don’t think she is being fair to me.
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She’s trained you well!
Daughter and grandchild come first. Your mother needs to find a new hobby besides manipulating you.
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CaringinVA Apr 2023
Well said.
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Your daughter and granddaughter should be your priority. If mom lives with you it's time to move mom out of your house. If you live with mom it's time for you to move out of her house.
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