She insists that she takes her own baths and just took one, which of course she didn't. She cannot get out of the tub on her own. She will only bathe....has never taken a shower. I have tried everything. I have her tub set up with shower chair and removable shower head with hose.
Is she cold? Get a space heater.
Is the stream of water too forceful? Get a hand held unit she can control.
Is the shower floor slippery? Get her water shoes from Amazon. This was my mother's problem and once the water shoes were put on, she was fine.
One woman was scared of the mirrors and being seen naked in them. Cover up the mirrors with towels.
If you can figure out what the issue is and fix it, then set 2 days a week for showers and don't ask.....just say Lets Go Mom, Time To Shower. No choices. Tell her the doctor ordered daily showers if she insists she took one yesterday. Tough love, be firm but insistent yourself.
If all else fails, hire a bath aide whos EXPERIENCED giving showers to elders with dementia.
Good luck to you.
With my mother, I had to accept that with bathing, she had to call the shots. The more I nagged her, the more indignant and rebellious she became and the more she refused to wash or even change her diaper. When I backed down, she wouldn't bathe every day but every third or fourth day would ask me to help her into the shower. In between showers, every morning I would get her to wash her hands in the sink and while she was doing that, I'd clean her with hospital grade bathing wipes. This went well for awhile for a few years but as of last month, does not take baths anymore. I use hospital shower wipes, and she's fine.
I don't know how far along your mother is with her dementia or how bad her health is, but just know that there'll come a time when showers and baths are out of the question, and you'll have to use bathing wipes from that moment out, which is what hospitals use. With some people, it's like there's a switch marked bathing/no bathing that gets switched off permanently. A nurse who took care of my mother during one of her hospital visits confirmed it. She said she sees this all the time with dementia patients. She says that it doesn't make sense to them at their age and health to take baths and showers anymore and then ended with a cryptic, "They catch pneumonia fast."
I don't know if she was saying that maybe it's an instinctive thing to avoid showers because of potential pneumonia or they're just afraid of catching pneumonia but just know that it's not a simply a dementia issue, but something else. For instance, Christina Applegate admitted that since her MS progressed, she's become terrified of showers.
The terror is real. One of the biggest thing I ever regretted was making my father take a shower. He was in a shower chair and everything and in no danger of falling, wasn't in pain, water was perfect temperature, or but was so stressed out, he blacked out. I literally thought I had killed him, but no, he was fine but now knowing this "terror" angle, I feel in retrospect that I must have been like a torturer subjecting him to waterboarding. Showering is just this bizarre primal-like terror that some people with advanced age/dementia/illness have. If I had known then what I knew now, I would've never done that but I had no idea this was such a "thing". I thought the not taking a shower thing was just a head trip, a pride thing (older person not wanting to feel helpless, etc.) but it's not. It comes with the territory and you'll have to do with it the best you can. Not showering becomes a New Normal. I know it sucks, especially if your parents were the cleanest, most fastidious people you knew, but unfortunately yes, they may come to a point where they don't care about bathing, brushing, grooming, etc.
wherever there is a crease, wherever skin meets skin. You can always wash their hands wherever they are just by bringing the wash cloth to them. Especially if they're going to go somewhere, you can tell them you have to wash up a little first. You can try that and it may or may not work. Another thing is this....
The stronger language you use with them the worse it's going to be. If you act like they are going to push back they probably will. Try to set routines. After eating wash face and hands. Washing hands and face does not have to always be done in the bathroom. Especially if they like to go out or have something special they love to do, Tell them you can do that but they need to wash up "a little" first. "This will take just a very short time and then we can be on our way". Or something like, "We can hurry up and get our hands washed and our faces washed and then we can go". DO NOT ask their permission because you can tell they're gonna say no!!
Note- They will always think they had a shower yesterday because they don’t process time or language well so yesterday may mean “not so long ago.”
If you can ever get into shower, make sure it is a pleasant experience-slow, calm, let her help hold sprayer or wash cloth, give her towel to put over eyes when you do hair, massage her back, head, shoulders. Afterward, dry thoroughly, use lotion, file toenails and fingernails. We only do this once a week. I think she would like it more but I only have the energy for once a week - that is why I thoroughly clean bottom each morning and then apply salve/lotion to bottom to prevent sores. Keep bedding washed at minimum weekly, and air room when not in it.
My aunt would fib that she sponge bathed. I knew it wasn't true because you smelled her.
When her neighbor would visit, she would want to sit and be social, and smelly.
Afterwards, I couldn't take it, and told her, I was getting her bath ready. She went to her room, shut the door, jumped in the bed, and threw the covers over her head. I don't believe I saw her spring so fast. She just wouldn't listen to me andwouldn'tlet me bathe her. Probably about three times I had luck.
So now my cousin has help coming, and since the help isn't family, I think the caregiver is having better luck than I did. Sometimes it takes an outsider that they'll listen to.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-help-with-bathing-and-personal-hygiene-top-tips-from-caregivers-212010.htm
It may need to be sponge baths for your Mom. It may also be time for her PoA to read the document to see what activates the authority -- if she has a PoA and they are already active in taking over management of her affairs.
That way she'll feel safe and you'll know that she's actually clean because you cleaned her yourself.
I would have to help my late husband into his walk in shower, sit him down and then wash him up real good, and then again help him out and dry him off.
And yes I always got a little wet in doing so, but at least my husband got his needed showers and he felt safe with me right there.
And of course if you're not comfortable bathing your mom, you can always hire an aide to come at least twice a week to do so, and then use the extra large body wipes and waterless shampoo caps for the in-between.