My dad finally passed away. He was diagnosed with Parkinsons in 1999. It's 2026. My parents blew through $550k in a stupid, "Italian way" attempt to keep him home - at not just a financial expense - but the expense of my relationship with my surviving parent. And my mental health. And almost my marriage. To make it all worse, my relatives (who "didn't want to get involved" yet enabled the situation by coming over daily to my parents' house and never openly said, "Maybe you should listen and move into assisted living while you can" ) didn't stop me, my sister, or my cognitively impaired mother from spending her last 20k in cash on a funeral last week. And it's not that I want the 20k. It was just such pomp and circumstance. My dad wasn't religious! They called my sister and I daily before the services - to make sure we were doing everything "right" - as if a funeral home had never buried an Italian before. When I told one aunt "enough" she still kept calling! Now I've blocked them all! And they were incredibly detailed to me about my dad's last day - his begging, his pleas, his vomit - even though I made it clear my sister and I had said a peaceful goodbye to him 5 days earlier. Such judgment! And then, within 12 hours of him passing, the phone calls started that I needed "To get my mom to the funeral home to make plans." I hate open casket events. So did my dad, and my sister. Sure, it gave my relatives peace - to see my dad resting - but can they refund my mom the $$$ for it? She has no money left. The whole thing - 20+ years, the last his last days, the pre-services 5 days, the services themselves - caused me massive trauma on top of years of trauma. Now I'm mad at them, myself, and "ritual and religion and culture" which is just a mask for trauma and dysfunctional families. I'd always thought of my extended family as supportive. Now I don't ever want to talk to them again. And I'm not sure what my point is to posting this. I guess I'm wondering if I have to talk to them again or forgive them. They were sorta there for us, but also, I'm now seeing - superficially there.
What I think would be helpful to you however is to get clear on what makes YOU feel peaceful about how to move forward. It is about what you do for yourself and the boundaries you instill from this point on.
I agree with what you said about "ritual and religion and culture" which is just a mask for creating trauma with dysfunctional families. There is one word - BOUNDARIES. If you forgive in the sense that it means you acknowledge the hurt they caused, and do not carry anger with you, then great. Yes, go ahead and forgive in that sense.
I have lived similar aspects, so am replying from my point of view only. Protect yourself, your life, and your wellbeing mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You do not have to sacrifice those things for anyone.
May you find peace in the next coming several years.
Italian histrionics are second to none, in my extended family.
I'm so sorry you had to go through such a thing with dad. Imo, goodbyes should be private with no "show" or fanfare for the masses. I hope you can recover from all of this, and put these people on pause or delete, your choice. Bless you, my friend.
My dad was pretty young when he died, and so many people came to the viewing and funeral. He wasn't Italian, mom was, but the 20 year difference was so huge. There just weren't that many people left to see my mom when she died. We couldn't afford a big funeral anyway, but I admit I felt a little guilty about it. It's not rational, so I don't give it much space in my head now. I can see where it would have been a little harder if we had more money to turn down all the stuff involved with the funeral.
I still feel like the whole thing was a huge ripoff and there's always someone that wants to take advantage of the grieving people left at the end. There were just so many things that were adding up to a gigantic bill and my sister and I just sat there, stunned at the costs. We sat down and talked about it and said this doesn't matter, this other thing is irrelevant, we don't have to do this, we don't need to do that. It was freeing and sad. Frankly, I felt like doing some histrionics myself but I kept it together pretty well. It is true, the person the funeral is for will not be attending.
Spend your energies making real, solid friendships. Understand that your relatives will judge you and you can't control this... but who cares what they think about you? Are you that desperate for human interaction?
I'm sorry for your loss and that the relatives made it so unpleasant for you. That generation can be full of superstitions, unhealthy traditions and part-time "religion". Although there's much I cherish about my I-A unbringing, I don't miss any of that or the drama and busybody-ness.
I wish you clarity, courage and wisdom. Mostly I wish you peace in your heart as you figure out (and defend) healthy boundaries.
I wouldn’t be bothered with the relatives. They did not sound supportive. They hung around daily to make sure you didn’t place Dad in a nursing home.
What about Mom? What happens to her now? She’s broke? Who has POA? Don’t use your own money to pay for Mom’s care. Don’t move Mom in with you. Does she have a house to sell to pay for her care in assisted living?
You may want to go to a therapist to deal with this trauma.