My mother's caregiver, who I have relied on and trusted for over three years and counting (employed by an agency), really did dumb yesterday. She used my mother's credit card to make a relatively small purchase on her own personal amazon account. I discovered this immediately because of all of the alerts I have on my mother's credit card (this was a "card not present" transaction).
I followed up with Amazon, and they were able to confirm who the purchaser was. I very grudgingly offered the caregiver's name, hoping that it wasn't her. The customer service person said yes, it is this person. I was so deeply disappointed and felt very much betrayed and taken advantage of. As someone who I've put a lot of trust in, and have had tremendous faith in her judgement and reliability over the years--and what could well be years to come -- even though the amount was pretty trivial ($28 and change for goodness sakes), I'm struggling.
Amazon removed the credit card info from her account, and she won't be able to use the card for any further purchases. I also disputed the amount with the credit card company, so all of that is good to go.
The thing is, I don't want to get rid of her, and I feel really conflicted about that. She has been the best caregiver in the past 5 plus years -- all of the others have been flakey and unable to use good judgement (I live 3 plus hours away, work full time, and need someone who can take responsibility and initiative when necessary). This person was someone who would demonstrate good common sense, keep in good touch with me, run interference in any number of difficult situations. When my mother fell last March, she handled the paramedics, the ER, and the cleanup at the house. I was very appreciative and gave her a monetary "thank you" since I know her agency wouldn't pay her more than her hourly rate. Now that it's holiday season, I was (maybe still am???) ready to write her a check for her annual Christmas bonus, which I'm pretty certain other clients don't do.
Sigh...a few months ago, she was driving my mother through her retirement community, and she got a speeding ticket (I was notified since my mother's a resident). The community "police" are hypervigilent and my reaction was to think "hey, it happens" (she was going maybe 40 mph in a 35 zone), and I paid for the ticket so she wouldn't be out the $50. I just thought "don't let it happen again" and moved on.
I'm just so deeply disappointed, and wonder if I'm being a total chump. Searching online, I've found posts that use the terms "elder abuse" and I wonder if I should immediately terminate her, and then embark on the horrendous task of finding another replacement. The agency would of course send someone else, or more than one person if necessary, but the upheaval to my mother (and me, honestly) is just overwhelming to think about.
And I don't know if, or how, I should approach this with her! Amazon couldn't tell me if the caregiver would receive her order or not, but she will be able to see plain as day that the credit card info is permanently gone from her account, so she'll know what's up in that way. I wonder if maybe it would be beneficial to just let her twist in the wind--not say a thing to her, but she'll know she's on notice.
It was such a stupid thing to do. She knows I watch my mother's accounts like a hawk, or she should know. Would it be awful, or stupid of me, if I continued to keep her as my mother's caregiver? I know that it's the nature of the situation (my being long distance, my mother having dementia, caregivers earning a crappy wage for difficult work) that things may go missing, they might take advantage in small ways if they can get away with it, and I've made my peace with that. If she throws a few groceries for herself into the cart when she takes my mother shopping, I'm not going to sweat it. If a tchotchke or two or three disappear, so be it -- that's the way it goes, is my attitude.
But this...???
Be human about it. Pick up the phone and call her and say something like "Best caregiver ever, I'm hoping this has a simple explanation but I got a notification from my mother's credit card that you used it on Amazon." And then be quiet and listen to what she says.
Whatever explanation she offers, just accept it. There's no point in interrogating her. You want her to know that you know. This situation reminds me of a scene in the movie "Annie Hall":
ALVY'S FATHER
You fired the cleaning woman?
ALVY'S MOTHER
She was stealing.
ALVY'S FATHER
But she's colored.
ALVY'S MOTHER
SO?
ALVY'S FATHER
So the colored have enough trouble.
ALVY'S MOTHER
She was going through my pocketbook!
ALVY'S FATHER
They're persecuted enough!
ALVY'S MOTHER
Who's persecuting? She stole!
ALVY'S FATHER
All right-so we can afford it.
ALVY'S MOTHER
How can we afford it? On your pay?
What if she steals more?
ALVY'S FATHER
She's a colored woman, from Harlem!
She has no money! She's got a right
to steal from us! After all, who is
she gonna steal from if not us?
anyway, I am feeling cowardly about actually talking to her about it.
if my mother wanted to buy a gift, again, caregiver would have said something to me. Anyway, you are right about me needing to put on my big girl pants and say something
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.
it sounds like you handled the missing money really well. I’ll try to use the same kind of approach.
Speeding ticket happens to everyone. I would not make an issue of it unless it happens again.
You have a reliable caregiver that are very hard to find. Talk to her and ask why, give her the benefit of the doubt. Then secure mom's Amazon account. Is it used to purchase items for mom, by the caregiver? I can easily see that this was a mistake.
My mother doesn’t use her computer at all (thank God). And this wasn’t her Amazon account, it was the caregiver’s :(.
Yeah, I felt the same way about the ticket. Thanks for validating me - I wonder if I’m a total pushover and that’s why this is happening, but it helps to know that I’m probably keeping this in perspective.
I’m having a hard time believing that this was not deliberate. But I am willing to consider that, having her payment methods on her Amazon account obviously “adjusted” to remove my mother’s credit card within 24 hours of her purchase, she may have some remorse and maybe a little healthy anxiety about being caught. I’d like that to be good enough for me. I just don’t want to give someone another chance and have it bite me in the ass, but if this is what I’m gonna do, then I have to take that chance.
I know how hard it is to find good caregivers and am aghast at what agencies take out of their pay. It’s hard to find a good caregiver who will work for $13 to $15 an hour. We went through 5 caregivers in a year until we found our gem.
Good luck
if it were something my mother needed, she could/would have just told me. Either I would have ordered it myself using my mother’s credit card, or they would go purchase it directly and use her credit card then. The fact that she ordered something on her own amazon account (not my mother’s, which has had no activity in years), to be delivered to her own home address, is 100% sketchy.
I appreciate your understanding how difficult it is to decide to let go a caregiver that, up to now, has been really really good.
part of me totally agrees with you, and part is just not there yet. But I do NOT want to give the impression that I’m a doormat, or oblivious.
Thank you for responding :)
I would pick up the phone and tell her you got a fraudulent use of card alert and canceled the transaction. Let her know amazon has told you whose account the transaction was made under. Then ask for an explanation.
It may be time for Mum to lose the credit card.
Let's gather all the facts before blaming a caregiver that you have had for 3 years, and whom you and your Mother likes
Usually if a person is likely to "steal" something they would have started during the first year of their employment, not 3 years later.