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You have become a surrogate wife for your father, in everything except the bedroom. He belittles your fella because he is jealous. He wants him out. This is not going to change by persuasion. Your father is perfectly capable of finding himself other accommodation, help is not what’s needed.

Perhaps you are being too ‘nice’. Next time he has a dig at your fella, throw a major hissy fit and tell him to shut up and get out. Your fella could usefully call him a stupid old git. Three flare ups in a week might finally get the message across that the party’s over.

If you have followed up on the ‘nice’ suggestions so far, and nothing has worked, you need to step back and look clear-eyed at your father’s behavior. It isn’t loving, it’s self-centered and it belittles you and your life. Get him out, and when he has made his own life, your love may come back again.

You haven’t replied to the comments about your fella perhaps also being a user – probably because it’s none of our business. But you might put off the wedding for a while and think about the situation when father is no longer the major problem.

Good luck!
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
The digs have caused full on meltdowns, many, which I am embarrassed to admit I've behaved that way - yelling, cursing, stating this is NOT acceptable for anyone. And now I think I've caused my dad to become depressed. That wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him to seek a good life, his own life.

Regarding the fiance, he's now husband - yes we did a quick elope. And that was done intentionally to address some of this, to ensure everyone knows their place. To make sure the fiance was not viewed as disposable or temporary so the digs would be rendered to have no effect.
Hubby does work. In our relationship there are important things that can't be addressed in our current situation and it has caused a great deal of strain. But I am the breadwinner, it's true. I made a good living -which this overall situation compromises, honestly, because I lost my clear mind. It makes me feel depressed that there is no a clear answer where everyone is happy. I don't want to hurt my father. And I am already hurting him by suggesting he's causing problems.
I'm scared that it's a matter of time, my marriage will fall apart b/c it's already suffering from not having privacy. My fella is who I've chosen. He's not a user. But he doesn't have the same earning capacity as I do. I'm in an executive position, and so grateful for that. Many men are intimidated by that. Unfortunately. But there is only so much I want to get into on a public post, so I'll just say lack of privacy has been detrimental.
The idea that I am viewed as a surrogate wife, I agree with you - and I can't stand it. Why why why why could this be? The jealousy, I resent it to the point it makes me fume. I've expressed that a number of times.
But my love it there, I don't stop loving, which is why I have terrible guilt. It's ruining my life right now.

Thanks for your feedback I appreciate it.
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It does not sound like you can not say no...You allowed it...live with it or evict.
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Dear Seeking, I was impressed with your last post that recognised Dad’s tricks - “it was an act of manipulation - and I resent that so much”. Yes it was, quite possibly like his previous arrangement that broke down. Understanding that you have been taken for a sucker should give you some incentive to take the necessary steps to get him out, without FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) getting in the way. After he’s finished wailing ‘poor me’ and left, I hope that you may find it possible to forgive him – and if you don’t, it’s better than having him make you miserable for the rest of his life.
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
Thank you. The previous arrangement was not ideal, but the family member passed, so that home became no longer available to him.
I have so much FOG it's truly unbearable. See, my father has always been a wonderful father. So I feel like I am letting him down when he needs me. And I do think emotionally, he needs someone, but it should be a wife, or a GF. Or friends. To fill his loneliness. He's not necessarily wailing poor me, he just has old world thinking that this is the right way. I've had to have a number of full on screaming sessions, which I am embarrassed to admit, but its true. I've lost it unfortunately. I think maybe we are making some progress, but surely if I stop screaming, it will all revert. And now I believe I am causing him to fall into depression, so the OG is amplified by 100000X's. I hate this situation.
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Thanks for the reply, and the information about why his last arrangement fell down. Perhaps you should compare your feelings of Obligation and Guilt with father’s continual sniping at your fiance. That isn’t about a need for companionship, it’s jealousy and wanting to be ‘your number one’. Any new relationship would probably go the same way.

I do think that he could find his own new accommodation, but if you do feel Obligation you can help him along. Perhaps make an appointment to see an AL for lunch, take him out ‘shopping’ with you and go to the AL. Next time it’s a real shopping trip, so he never refuses to go. That puts some new information into a situation that has become repeat repeat repeat. Be clear that he is moving out, and this is one of the options. Keep up the good work with the screaming, and don’t worry if the wails eventually start!

Do this for the sake of your relationship with him, which will recover when this all stops. Otherwise you will lose your love for him and your feeling that he has been ‘a wonderful father’.
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