My mother has always talked about her health issues, complaining she never feels well. It becomes negative visiting her, sometimes. I try to redirect the conversation away from her complaints. Every time I would visit her that’s all she would talk about, she was never really there for me emotionally.. she’s 88 years old. Last year she kind of started talking about going to assisted-living so my brother and I took her to two different places, but then she changed her mind. Then yesterday she told me, over the phone, that this place had called her and she told me that I told them I made an appointment for her about going to a place, I never did that, but she kept insisting that I probably did because they knew my name. She told me I need to call them and cancel the appointment and not to do it again without telling her.. I told her I never heard of the place and I don’t have the number. But then she said she told them she’s not coming for the appointment. I understand that she’s been confused quite a bit lately, but it was hurtful because she assumed I would do something behind her back, which I would never do, and she didn’t want to believe what I was telling her! My mother and I don’t have the best relationship at least on an emotional level. She has always been an emotionally distant parent. But I tried to do what is right and help her out as much as I can, I’m the one that takes her to go shopping or to doctors appointments because everyone else in family is working, I only work part time, and my brother lives 45 minutes away. But she has always had a tendency to make everything about herself. My brother and I agreed that she definitely has narcissistic tendencies. It’s always about her. I feel like I need a break from her just to get myself together, thoughts? I just don’t want to see her right now. And there have been other incidents in the past! Her negative energy is quite draining. I have my own health problems, and am little anxious about upcoming surgery on my Cervical spine! Thank you.
I totally agree. Narcissistic personality disorder.
That's why it IS always about her.
And, yes yes yes ... you need a break.
It sounds to me that you are 'doing too much' to please and support her. And then there is no doing enough from her point of view due to her mental disorder. Likely along with dementia.
What I hear you do is explain yourself to her.
"Try' to tell her what you are doing 'right' and not doing so you are not held accountable in her eyes. This behavior says a lot about you and how you likely (or possibly) behaved / interacted with her all your life). You want(ed) your mother to love you so you want(ed) to please her.
There comes a time when you not only need a 'break' - you need to break the pattern that's been created. Clearly, you have your own health needs to manage. It is time you put yourself first. If you continue as you have been, your health will continue to deteriorate.
You need to re-evaluate the quality of life you want with a mother who is a narcissist and with what sounds like dementia.
This mean setting boundaries and STICKING to them. She won't believe you. And, that is okay. Your behavior will speak for itself. She may or may not get it. And, this is up to her. You need to focus on yourself. And, this might be difficult since it is new behavior (and thoughts). Although taking a day at a time ... not getting into arguments or situations where she wants to convince you she is right ... is one major way to get started.
Instead of 'arguing' (or trying to convince her of you doing what a 'good girl' / daughter would do or not do...) about the appointment ... you need to change your automatic response. This means STOPPING before you respond (as it is / will be new behavior).
You say ONCE:
I understand lyou believe I made this appointment. I did not so you will have to cancel it yourself. Then you stop talking - although she'll keep going ... you then tell her "If you continue blaming me, then I am going to leave". She will continue and then you leave. Period. No more conversation.
She will ALWAYS attempt to hook you in - into her mental dysfunction.
If I were you, I would tell her to hire a care giver as you have your own health concerns now which you must address.
The less explaining you do, the more confidence this shows.
People that are insecure want to explain. You do not need to do that.
Be clear on what your boundaries are before you speak to her.
Keep your convesation(s) short and focused.
I want you to start feeling self-empowered.
Know that you matter and deserve a quality, healthy life.
This is what many of us work on - day by day.
It is a daily conscious awareness of self-care.
When we have a mother who doesn't love us in healthy ways, we need to learn to become our own mother 'inside.'
Consider therapy if you can.
Having a neutral sounding board / support could help you sort out your feelings.
First though, remove yourself from this sitution and get your own health care needs met.
Gena / Touch Matters
then you’re recovering and can’t mix
then
you’re weak and helpers need to stay
On the subject of the call
Sometimes people do sell on your name and details - it’s big business - so may have sone truth Altho may not- but may
time to relinquish your support - if you arrange something and then be unavailable she’ll have no choice
eventually moving into care would be a natural progression
Not totally moral but sometimes it’s the kindest way
of letting go
best wishes
You can care about your mother without letting her keep you down. It's all right to take a break when you need one. She will reach out to someone else when you are not available.
Here's what you do. She gets a hired caregiver/companion that she pays for who now takes her grocery shopping and to doctor's appointments. Your reason for why you can no longer do it is you went back to work full time because you need the money. No one has to know you didn't. Keep in regular contact with the caregiver/companion and visit your mother once a week. If she starts up with the complaining, negativity, and stubborn nonsense tell you plainly that if she wants you to stay she will have to stop otherwise you're leaving. If she continues, that's when you get up and leave or a phone call ends.
If she's living alone, it might be a good time to look into a live-in caregiver moving in so she's not alone in the house at her age.
That usually worked better than trying to use logic or reality.
Realize that you do not need to participate in these conversations because they can be infuriating and disconcerting.
While working, I will normally redirect or get busy with another task when all else fails.
I learned not to fed into this behavior, and to disengage.
Good luck, I hope you will take your need to liberate yourself seriously. With your health issues, you really need to put yourself first.
Once we were in a restaurant with some friends, I said something, it got her mad and she punched me in the arm in front of everyone. I tried talking to her about it on phone few days later, stating it was embarrassing what she did, and I was hoping she would apologize. And she stated I should apologize to her for what I said which, was something about bedbugs, no big deal, and she said she doesn’t need to apologize to me because she’s my mother! My response to that was, so I need to apologize when I hurt your feelings, but you could hurt my feelings and not apologize?
And in the heat of the moment, I just hung up on her and didn’t really talk to you for about a month except an occasional text. Of course she didn’t reach out to me at all, she never really texts or calls unless she needs something!
I am becoming the parent she the kid! , she never really texts or calls unless she needs something. It doesn’t bother., she’s that way with everyone!
It’s the lack of respect and boundaries!