Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
I have three friends that have lost one of their parents in the past three weeks, one right after another and one tonight. They were close to their parents--except one, she lived like me, manipulated and controlled by her father. Actually, he just passed away tonight. He has been in the hospital for two weeks and she lost him tonight. As I sit and ponder on all this, I realize that tonight she is free, even as bad as she is hurting right now, she is free from all his madness. She is 43 and he was 68. She lost her mom when she was just 28 and now her dad. The door to her past is closed. So sad, but yet the torture of my mom lives on. As I think of my other friends that had the best parents have lost them too soon. How do we go through this and make peace with all of it? I have struggled, been anxious because of my mom's willingness to control and manipulate me and I finally "broke" free, but I sit tonight anxious once more knowing that she still has that "spell" on me. My armor is weak tonight, friends. Please help me put it back on.
I have been getting better( I still have some days like yours for sure), but overall I am improving. I have been learning that my mother's incendiary, mean words should be given little or no weight. These are the ramblings of a nasty, albeit a little confused, but still nasty lady. Sometimes she is truly wonderful but too often she is just plain mean even if she doesn't realize it.
Your mother has not shown you the love and support that you needed and deserved. I know this because I really really love my kids and I would never treat them like this nor talk to them in this way. I would never want to hurt them, and if I truly, truly thought something was amiss in their lives, I would approach it so carefully, if at all. I just want my kids to know I am there if they need me. Through counseling I am now trying to mother my own inner child. Slowly it is helping.
I am sorry she got you so upset. Be kind to yourself and imagine that her words are in a balloon and you popped it and they all just evaporated. I hope you can calm down and maintain greater emotional distance. I am so happy I am in counseling. Maybe it would be helpful for you if you can afford it. I am thinking about you. Glad you wrote in.
When that happened to my mom, the events she thought real were indeed wild but her level of alarm and distress was not what you or I would have felt, thinking rationally about it. I mean she just took it in stride when she believed a man in the facility was actually a convicted murderer and might be taken away to be executed any day. To me, that sounded like a living nightmare...but she reacted to it more like it was juicy gossip. Sorry you are going through all this. Just check your own connection to reality and general sanity and if its relatively OK given the circumstances, you're OK. And your marriage is OK regardless of what Mom thinks or says too, and that's a gift in this crazy world.
You can't totally rescue Mom from her own brain.
Got a hostile call from my mom -- well, she got hostile because I wouldn't get cigarettes for her immediately. I was swamped at work and had to clean up after a sick cat and get meds at the vet, so I could have gone a couple hours later. Well, that wasn't doable so she got hostile and hung up on me, but telling me there was a problem and I needed to see what was right in front of me. No clue what she's talking about and she's not elaborating.
Today I got a call and she had something urgent. I find out what her latest issue is. She says she is having company come from out of state, the daughter of a friend of hers. (I think if it were true I would have heard from her mother about the visit.) This woman is divorced and has several children so it sounds even more unlikely she'd just drive five hours to visit my mom since they're not close. Friendly some years back, but not close.
But my mom goes on to say that this woman and my husband are having an online affair and I should check my husband's phone and emails. For one thing, my husband has met the mom three or four times and never met the daughter and has no real reason or means to. For another, my mom told me since I now have a full time job and my husband works part time and freelances (never mind that our situation was reversed three years ago), that I was mainly of use to my husband as a workhorse.
It's almost laughable and upsetting all at once. It's absurd. Sure, husbands have affairs, but I don't think my husband is having one. No suspicious behavior etc. We're both two odd ducks who are happy to have each other. But it does hurt in some ways. That my mom only sees my husband as wanting me as a source of income so he floats around and is lazy -- and it's far from true because he does work hard and takes what work he can get. I feel sort of slapped in the face. No true love, you know, only commerce?
My mom then goes on to say that my dad had affairs. Oddly, though, she did, too. My dad knew that she'd had a fling before I was conceived I was told he didn't quite believe I was his until later when some bloodwork seemed to confirm I was his! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!
I went to court about the guardianship. I was mixed up. My mom called at 6 a.m., said she wasn't going, that she'd have nothing more to do with me. I ended the call, then left the attorney a message and the social worker, too, recapping that she said she didn't want to come in, but my husband and I would be there. Called mom again then, to ask if she was sure. Yes, she was done with me. Then 20 minutes later she called and said she'd go.
She lugged all this paperwork because she thought they would help her with her bills. (We can't even get a look at them to see if they're EOB or anything.) She rambled in the court, and I told the judge I really was hesitant to be her guardian because of the family drama, relating what happened this morning, including her threats to off herself, stop taking her medications, and telling me basically to "eff off." Judge decided to appoint an attorney to oversee some things, act as a guardian. I'm not sure what is going on now. My husband says it sounds like a "guardian lite." My mom put on some better, albeit confused behavior in court, which of course was frustrating.
Afterwards we took her for breakfast because she hadn't eaten anything. During lunch she complained about the restaurant changing prices (she'd last been there a month ago and the menu was the same from the last time I was there a few months back), and complained that she'd go elsewhere another time because she thought it was outrageous to order a breakfast special for $4. (We treated her, even though she'd offered to pay, but we figure we don't want her to act like we owe her because of breakfast... she's weird that way.) While eating she got loopier and loopier, having a hard time holding her fork, and she got egg on her chin. I had to wipe her face several times. I noticed women at the next table seeing her behavior, too, so it was pretty obvious she was off. Took her back to her place, thinking first she was tired, but then she could barely keep her eyes open. My guess is she took two or three Xanax, since this is her past too-much-Xanax behavior. That probably made her agreeable in the first place, and then act all stupid drunk. I'll be mentioning this to the attorney. Frankly I still feel stuck with her, and now we'll have to keep an eye on her and shop for her, drive her to the doctor, etc., and meet with the attorney and maybe more social workers, and in the meantime we'll get talked down to, accused of more crap and deal with the same crap, just on a different day. A bit discouraging!
I cannot remember what I told months ago about how and when I was able to walk away from my mom. Physically have stepped away, but I still check on her unbeknownst to her--which is best. I am still making sure that she is well cared for from a distance. The way I was finally able to step back is when I talked to her in March and told her my feelings. I had been going to a counselor--just started and she suggested that I tell my mom my feelings. When I did and told her that she hurt my feelings when I come or she is always saying negative things that are directed at me.... My mom said, "Do not turn this on me". She told me that if someone hurt her feelings she just wouldn't come around them. I tried several times during our conversation to get her to take just a smidgen of responsibility for her actions. She would not. But this goes back many many years. She has never taken responsibility, she always plays the victim. She manipulates. She told me to stop coming. I asked her if that is what she wanted and she said, "Stop coming".. I took that as permission.--being that "child" I guess in some way I still needed her to tell me what to do. This time she told me what I needed to hear. As each day, week and then months went by, I realized how much better I was feeling. After talking to my aunt, I realized I should have done this a long time ago. I was too scared of what the consequences may be.--Can't even start to tell you what I even think they could have been. Now I realize the best consequence is not talking to her. If I didn't do everything she thought I should do, then life was h*ll. If I did what she wanted she still made it h*ll. It was very hard at first, but now I am at peace with it. After about two weeks she told my aunt that I had deserted her. That I had stopped calling and what kind of daughter does that. she never would admit to her that she told me not to come. Once again, she manipulates the people around her. That very week my mom closed the account that I was writing her rent out of. YES! My mom took charge and closed her account and moved her own money. She called the attorney that week too and asked to revoke my POA but he didn't do it. He realizes she still needs that just in case. It only took her one week to do all this. That really gave me more gumption not to talk to her. She told my aunt I would take her money. Look--we have been through this for 5 years. I have had plenty of opportunity to take it. It took me two years to start paying myself back and paying myself for care giving. She is so unappreciative.--that hit me after that week. It has now been 7 months. I do worry about the holidays coming up. I worry if there were a death in the family and we had to be in the same place. I am not ready for that yet. I probably would avoid these situations not to be around her right now. I am still a work in progress If my mom is able to write out her rent and pay her own bills, she was very capable of this before and manipulated me to do everything for her and then complain about it. Think about that for a minute. That is tough to swallow sometimes, but I am really trying not to dwell on it. If I could go back, then that summer I gave up my family and moved in with my mom, I would go back and send her to the hospital like the doctors wanted to do. But, no, I did what she wanted. Look where it got me. No where with her. Just another manipulation by the narcissistic mother I grew up with. Dont read this wrong, I am not bitter, I am not dwelling, I am just stating the facts which help me move forward.
Do what is best for you. There are other people out there to help. I didn't see it either, I thought it was only up to me. There are delivery services for food and groceries and babalou is right, 911 is right around the corner. I have come along way to say that and mean it. Take our advice, take care of yourself.
My mom does drive and is pretty competent when she needs to be. I need to back off and give up any wishful thinking. Literally change what I have been doing my whole life. I need to stop trying to be the perfect little girl. I am doing lots of work with the scared inner child. I am so happy with my counselor. Thank you for responding and caring.
"The only time she considers me is when I do something wonderful for her or she feels great and notices that I am fabulous to her."
Classic narcissistic approach to life.
"I wish I could relax and enjoy her,"
A good wish, but not likely with a narcissist. Case in point my MIL.
My mom constantly ran down my dad after the divorce. My dad did not run her down and did not like me complaining to others about her. My mom constantly predicted that my dad would one day let me down. That has never been the case.
Here's an idea about if she gets sick or pretends to get sick while you are gone. Tell her to dial 911 for medical help.
I assume that living at independent living must mean she can drive herself and still has a car. She could drive to an urgent care unless her doctor works people in on short notice. If she no longer drives maybe the place where she is living has some transportation provided, for a cost of course, that could take her back and forth.
My MIL played sick one time. She had a trip in the ambulance. The trip was so bad, she never did that again.
My good news for today is that I met with my doctor who added another drug to help with my bipolar depression which is having a good impact. After listening to me and questioning me, she decided to double the dose for what she started me on she called a baby dose. I see her in four weeks. I look forward to see what this higher dose does for me.
Take care, keep up the good fight, don't forget to romance your husband, but don't over do it, and enjoy ya'lls trip.
Nijny, that describes me a lot. It's nice that your mom still has interest in getting a dog -- something for her to look forward to -- but it's not always realistic. If it's a young dog you have the training and energy, and it needs to go outside, and you need to clean up after it and take it to the vet. It sounds like she's not realistic about it.
That's why I've fought my mom having a dog. She won't take it out regularly if she has one, to the vet, or clean up after it in the yard of her apartment and no one wants a neighbor whose dog poops all over the yard. Years ago when she had one and was more mobile, she'd visit me and while I was at work that dog would pee and poop on my bathroom rug because she couldn't be bothered to take it out. And that was then. And I was the bad guy for being annoying about coming home and finding pee and poop on the bathroom floor!
I had a lot of that only-child stuff, too. My mom was unstable, but when I was five or six I just saw mom crying or having some kind of meltdown, and then she'd insult and mock my father behind his back (even spitting in his food and mixing boogers into his meal -- she was proud of that, too, which is sick), and I honestly am not sure he was such a bad guy.
He was sort of on the quiet side -- though he would perk up in certain social situations or about certain topics like history or geography -- and I took after him in a lot of ways and took verbal abuse and insults from her as a result. (Any time I didn't agree with her or match her mood, I was nasty like he was, according to her.)
It's a lifelong learning process, isn't it!
Heidi--my mother could compete with the best for drama, but sometimes she is kind and considerate which makes the whole thing more complex. Babalou and cmagnum--your ideas and comments are so helpful. I need to say less and WORRY LESS. I honestly think she trained me (or it is genetic) TO WORRY LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS. I am less emotionally attached to my mother but still feel responsible to some degree for her emotional well being. Not like i used to but I know if something goes wrong and she doesn't get her dog (can you believe I am still writing about dogs?) it will impact my visit with a friend and then my daughter who is flying in to see me. Why do I put her needs front and foremost? Why do I not put my needs first much of the time? Great training, I guess. Only child, stay-in-the-background but loving father, unbalanced mother. I was always the problem solver and peace maker. It was up to me to make sure mother was okay so much of the time. I guess this was both bad and good. I have been a successful educator and, believe it or not, counselor, because I care so much about the well being of others. Just not myself! Brother--oh well, one day at a time. My daughter is a worrier (no surprise), and we both committed to STOP! Easier said than done, but I will not ever give up the good fight. I am in this counseling for the long haul and feel like you--my support group-- are always there when times are tough. I hope I can be there for you. Maybe we need to start a mother-drama discussion. We could share stories for both humor and to help each other feel not so alone.
P.S. I cannot see the screen with all the prior posts and I cannot get access to a "like" or "hug" link. What am I doing wrong? It says something about a reader view being available but I don't know how to get to the way it used to be. I emailed agingcare.com and they are trying to help me. but maybe you know?
Love you all!
I have a friend whose mother always has that kind of drama. As soon as she plans a couple days out of town, mom calls her and starts the "oh, I'm going to die" routine. This friend's mother lives with her son, too, so it's not like she's alone even.
My mom pulls stuff like that, too. My plans, my schedule mean nothing, but her whims mean everything.
Right now it's going into guardianship stuff, with a hearing Wednesday, and she all of a sudden is throwing out tons of flattery to my husband (usually she calls him a greedy thief), and she's saying she wants me to be her guardian (I don't really want it after more than a decade of drama). She didn't even ask me what I wanted, or how we could do this, or how I feel. Just an order.
I suspect she thinks I'll agree to be her guardian and then she can order me around and do as she will. She's going to be really mad in court!
Update: As you know, I have stopped contact with my personality disordered mother. She sucked all the juice right out of me. Slowly I am juicing back up and getting myself back. My family is enjoying having "me" back around. I called the AL the other day to do my regular check in on my mom--I only talk to the director. My mom finally did what we all discussed on here.--she moved ALL her money! HA! I find it funny now. Before that worried me, but now I realize she can pay her own way and doesn't need me to do it all for her. She was using me and manipulating me all along. I knew this, but it is hard to admit it sometimes. Especially when it has been going on for 40+ years. I am now FREE from it. No more negative nancy, no more pity party, no more energy sucking/life sucking vampire!! It is so liberating. I still have those guilty feelings wondering if I am doing the right thing, then I remember for a split second how she always made me feel. I am moving forward everyday. One thing is for certain, she is well cared for, she has the money to pay for a nice place, she has great meals and party planners to keep her busy--that is when she will get out of bed and put her negative self out there.
Another tragedy has struck though that we are dealing with. A VERY close friend of my 17 year old son was in a tragic car wreck three weeks ago and has been on life support. He is now coming out of a coma and is in a minimally conscience state. It is so sad. I have been helping with benefits for the family and watching my son and his friends grieve over their friend. Even though he made it through he 10% chance of living, he still has a long road to recovery. He is still non verbal. He was on his way to a school dance and was 2 minutes from his dates house when wet roads took control of his vehicle. He hit a tree and has severe brain injury. My mom thinks her life is bad, but let me tell you, I have seen bad now.
Hope all is doing well. I think of you often and hope you find peace in all your tribulations. When you say your prayers, please add my son's friend to your list.
Babalou is right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BTW, I typed this this time from my desktop keyboard.
Dictating a post via my smartphone leaves somethings out. :(
That is a very practical way I'm saying damn the torpedoes and actually take no prisoners.
Just say it the way she to put it. Please do not defend it or explain it just state it as a fact. In other words as one's own put it no need to discuss much.
Keep up the good fight! You're making progress! I am very proud of you!
See if there is some way to have her looked after so that you too can go on on this much needed already plan for trip. She has cost you and you two enough!
Frankly, she cannot handle you having anyone else in your life other than her. You two, mother and daughter, need to get an emotional divorce.
I realize that I'm not you. However, at this point my patience would have completely failed. I would feel very tempted to say a line from Gone With the Wind and a line from the Wizard of Oz to express both intention of not putting up with these games anymore and some anger too. However, that's me, not you.
My mother has so many emotional needs that I never know whether she is trying to lay on a guilt trip on me (she has done this all my life) or if it is real. You know... The boy who cried wolf. It makes it tough. I want to make sure she is ok but also need to detach emotionally. Tough road to navigate. Some days she is so excited and happy--almost manic and other days verydepressed. Will not take any pills for the mood swings.
She has found a dog she is waiting for from a breeder, and the wait has been long. The dog just had puppies and my mom is due to get her in about 6 weeks. (Just about the time my husband and I are supposed to be on a short but highly needed three night vacation we have had planned for months...) Anyhow, as she gets older and more forgetful, it makes the emotional detachment a bit more difficult, but my counselor is helping me a great deal. So are you guys! XXOO
If you have not gone to bed yet, guve your husband a big hug, a warm kiss, try falling asleep with an arm ir two around your husband thinking about your best memories together and when mom's voice in your head goes off, tell her you have your own spouse and go take a walk or whatever, but just go. Remind yourself as needed that you're a grown who is married and no longer mommy's little girl who is not grown up enough to have her own life with a married man as his married wife. I would tell you to say to her what my wife's pastor told her to say to her mom that was the same thing someone told me to say to mine. I have, but I have told you more politely the basic underlying message.
Basically, dam mom's torpedoes, snuggle up with hubby and remember yall's good times and take no prisoners in your goal of a good night's sleep. Nite!!!!
I have been doing great not needing my mother's approval so much and not catering to her every need. But today was a big step backward. The stress of a zillion other things didn't help. i honestly think that most of the problem is me. She is who she is (often, but not always, narcissistic and cold and unloving) and I am the only one who can fix it for myself. So why am I still struggling? The big but stupid issue of the day is me worrying. I spent the morning with my mother and she was "extremely tired." She told me she was going to take a shower tonight. I told her that my husband and I would not be around--she likes to call me before she takes it and when she gets out in case she falls. She hasn't fallen n the shower before, but she is ever so careful about all possibilities surrounding herself. This carefulness probably serves her very well. So she told me not to worry about her tonight. I said, "But I do worry." She said, "Well, I am telling you not to." Then I did and said a few more things that annoyed her and here I sit wondering if she is angry with me again. I cannot believe I am worrying like this. I thought I was past it. So... I believe I will get close to my goal of not feeling like she is my "constant job," but now I feel as though I have pushed the end goal of my emotional detachment farther away all by myself. What in the world is wrong with me? Some days I just disgust myself! Thanks for reading.