Is it normal she's so negative?

Is it possible she is punishing you for her placement there? My 92 year old mother could have her own wing in The White House and would complain that she could not have breakfast in the Oval office. She also lives in her own beautiful apartment in a great Senior Living community ..and feels that she should be living the same life that I am at 68..constantly whining at me.."Wait until you re my age " (I wont make it, at 68, with all the stress she heaps on me ) When I was 16, my wonderful dad had to take me prom dress shopping …Mommie D did not want my prom memories to compete with hers. I have a long long list...She was passive aggressive and jealous all her life ....Many like her who were very entitled by their own parents and husbands. Reality has set in and she needs to place her anger on you, couched in depression and negativity, so you can keep "rescuing "her. Im currently on another no contact break with mine and its very very hard not to do that.. Sending a hug.

Being negative or having memory loss in people with dementia are only two of many problems affecting their brains. For instance there are personality changes, impairment of comprehension, poor judgement, disorientation in time, place and person, a tendency to become obsessed and ritualistic, poor control of anger, false beliefs (delusions), false perceptions ( hallucinations), hygiene neglect, poor concentration, impaired abstract thinking, body incoordination, poor balance, indifference to the surroundings, reverse sleep pattern, repetitive behavior, mood changes, depression, anxiety, agitation, angry outbursts, aggressive behavior, desinhibición of basic instincts, etc., etc. These characteristics in various degrees and intensity will affect different demented people.

I feel very much the same but live with it every day! I consider you very lucky. You got her to go into assisted living. You have a life, maybe not full time perfect but at least you can go your own way most days and know your mom is taken care of.
I don't think I will be able to continue the way I have living with my mom is making me depressed and I am starting to resent not having a life. I used to be able to find some humor in it but her negativity is draining me!
It seems "normal" how you feel but I would say hang in there. She just needs to vent her emotions on someone who loves her as you do. You just have to learn to shake it off when you leave her side. Good luck!

I thought I was the only one going through this for the past two plus years…. You can’t reason with them. That is the hardest part. Trying to reason with the unreasonable. I hear you! I understand exactly what you are going through!

You do have a choice here. And I don't blame you at all for wanting to just get away from the situation. You have every right to.

ONLY CHILD HERE!
Her personality change is the disease. Whether it be dementia or alzheimer's. I recently (TODAY) have finally convinced myself of this very same thing. Things are progressing so quickly with my mother. We went straight to the nursing home in lieu of assisted living. The upbeat person I knew has been replaced with a negative Nelly.
Our Mom's who we knew are no longer the same. I am so sorry - I too feel guilty for wishing I didn't have to deal with it.

Well if its not normal, we are both in the same boat. My MIL went to AL 4 mos. ago. Just wants to sit all day and wet her clothes. The stench is horrible. Hardly talks to us when we go over. We do have a camera where we can keep an eye on her. Had it for 4 yrs when she was in IL. We look at her throughout the day. She's not smart enough to push the alert button hanging on her neck if she falls. Looked at her at midnight last week and she was on the floor trying to reach for a doorknob to pull herself up. Called to office for someone to help her up. That camera has been such a blessing. If something happens, you can go back and see it. I offer to get her up to brush her teeth and go to bathroom and change underpants, she refuses and waves me away. What do you do?
I read someone wrote on this site that their mother had the right to rot. I agree.
You can't let her live in your head. You will go nuts.

I can 150% relate to this. I’m in my mid-30s and an only child as well. My mother had me late in life and is 78 and not yet in assisted living. My father died in 2020 and she is still living at home. I do all I can to help her, but my help is never good enough for her and each time I leave she berates and manipulates me with new “issues” that arise that I believe she’s mentally concocting. I am planning to move her to the state I live in now but I am very concerned about setting the right boundaries. I’ve never had a child and much of that I think is due to the fact that I have a 78 year old one already….

Ask yourself this: If you had a friend with whom you were close and all was fine and you enjoyed one another's company, what would you do if the person became cruel, nasty, mean, no remorse, nothing kind about them any longer and they hurt you constantly - and you can't stop them. Would you stay in the relationship or would you move on? If you had any sense, you would move on - no matter what the past relationship was. Just common sense.

One word of advice and I learned it too late - I wish I had learned this long, long ago - it would have made my life kinder. When people change and are no longer what they were or kind and nice, you have two options: You can love them and tolerate all they do and say and destroy yourself or you can love them but at a distance which will protect you from their harm.

Your mother has dementia so just ignore what she says. As to refusal to wash, wear clean clothes, etc., don't even try - tell the staff they are responsible to make her wash and wear clean clothes AND MAKE SURE SHE DOES IT. Don't waste time and effort. As to the personality changes, this happens and it gets ugly. Think on her past if she was much better and to the extent possible ignore it. And because of her behavior, and I know you love her - but NOT at your expenses, why do you go away to see her so often. Don't go where you are not welcome and cannot bring happiness to her or to you - keep your distance. That would be the normal and right thing to do. Don't try to fix what can't be fixed when it is broken. Think of YOU.

OH my that is exactly how my mom is. My mother is 85 she is at a rehab in a nursing home because of effects of having covid. MY mom has always been negative she had a tough life as a child and also my dad was not a great father or husband also. SO she dealt with alot My mom sheltered her life never wanted to go out just stayed home and did her little routines in the house and thats it!! We as her children wanted to take her out and she would say i cant walk i dont want to see people blah blah blah. MY mother is very negative also what your mom does or say is exactly what my mom does and say to> I am the youngest so i took care of her more my brother and sister did not see or hear all the negative comments complaints everyday BUT what i did was baby her i let her do whatever and say whatever she wants and let her get away with it. NOW where she is in the rehab she is even worse she complains and complains everythime we call or we go visit she says people there are horrible place stinks she isnt eating they did not give her medication to her then when we ask the nurses its all opposite whatever you say to her like example: ma eat your food do the physical therapy listen to these people and you will feel much better her response is : IN A BABYS VOICE: WHY do you guys yell at me you guys are leaving me here to die i want to leave i hate it here you guys are doing this and that and they stink blah blah blah!!!! I cannot handle it anymore either!!! ITS constanly complaining and negative every single day and i noticed within mysel and usually i am not like this at all. THat i was getting sick and tired of hearing it and it was making me pull away from her. SOOOO DO NOT feel quitly for the way you are feeling there are alot of people out there going through the same thing we both our with our parents . YOU are a great daughter and doing the best you can. I rememember one person said to me once: YOu need to focus on the best care for you mom care and safety is the most important thing what is best for her! Even though she might not agree that is ok, We are her family wants the best for her thats #1 she might not like it but thats ok she is safe and getting the best help good luck and stay strong and anytime you want to chat here i am! I AM IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOU!

I just want to say here that it's not just dementia that causes tantrums, disrespect, needling and being overdemanding.

Sometimes, it's just lack of control, fear or both.

FMIL got cancer and FFIL had a stroke. FMIL was under the impression that we would be there every overnight but that wasn't possible. I was the one to bring up the idea of an aide, and she cried, then screamed at me, then offered to show me her checkbook about how she's helped out SO, then banished me "to my room."

Fortunately, she now loves the aide that Brother picked.

FMIL's cancer went into remission, but then it came back. She was offered an easier and newer option first, but they took that away at the last minute and said she would be getting a stem-cell transplant. A month in the hospital versus a week. No winter holiday season. The idea that a second caregiver be introduced.

SO asked her innocently one day if she'd started looking for this second person, and she BLEW UP. It was on speakerphone, and it was just ranting about MY HOUSE and I WANT and HOW DARE YOU.

SO said he needed to go and hung up.

Now the doctors are rethinking giving her the newer easier therapy. This reduces the hospital stay, makes it so that she can go to restaurants for Family Dinners, and obviates the need for a second or more skilled person, for now.

For now, she's gotten what she wants. And the defensiveness masking as grouchiness has dissipated. She's a friendly person again.

I know this is an old post from 2014 but see new posts on here as well.

I have been trying for so long to keep my mother at home. She is 96 and times of her being negative and nasty are increasing faster nowadays. I know she has dementia, but knowing that does not help when she is being nasty to my daughter ( 39 ) who also lives with us and has been a tremendous support to me in caring for mom and has helped mom herself A LOT !!!

But tonight, mother being so extremely nasty in a paranoid way to my daughter (who is the sweetest you could want!!) is hitting the tip of the iceberg for me. My daughter was in tears and was worried I was upset with her (not in the least! and told her that) and went to spend the evening with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, my mom continued her nastiness. I plan to call her NP tomorrow to ask for other medication ( ? maybe Seroquel) to get us through until I can figure out moving her somewhere. We can't afford continual caregivers at home, or assisted living, and pretty sure she wouldn't qualify for snf. So I will be starting the "what to do" process tomorrow.

LOL Mom was the same way, nothing but complaints about the food, the temperature, the aids, etc. Funny thing is she put on weight (food is awful), went to every activity and field trip (bored), didn’t trust the staff (they all told me how sweet she was) on and on. I would just say how awful, too sad, etc and change the subject or leave. Her glass was always half empty despite evidence to the contrary. I think it was just her nature to always look to the dark side of life. Maybe it’s a symptom of getting old, medications, not sure about dementia.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS ORIGIONAL POST IS FROM 2014. PRIOR TO THE MOST RECENT COMMENTS THE LAST POST WAS IN DECEMBER 2020

Of course it is normal! But I do hope you do not completely walk away. Your family is first, but if you can, visit!

I have no advise, as you have written my story…

Prozac will stop all this ugly behavior. My dad had a potty mouth towards the nurse assistance and family members who visited him. The doctor prescribed him Prozac within a few days he was really pleasant to be around.

Jeweltone I feel your struggle. I’ve recently moved my mother into independent living and now all I get is negativity! Every time I call I get scorned for “how did you think I could possibly like...”, and “in a place like this you would think they would at least...”, and my ultimate favourite, “I’m very disappointed in ...”. I am overwhelmed!!
I’ve tried so very hard for YEARS to help with, or do anything that needed to be done for her; perhaps I’ve done this to myself?? It took me over 6 months to find a place that was clean enough, organized enough and had services enough that I thought she could possibly like it ... well let’s just say that all that effort seems to be wasted as she hates it and reminds me of that every minute of a phone call or visit.

There was no possible way that Mom could stay in our family home. Recently diagnosed with breast cancer, needing a hip replacement, and suffering from the onset of dementia she was falling and hurting herself, burning pots into oblivion and forgetting phone numbers. On my weekly Saturday visits I was constantly berated for things I hadn’t told her, even though I had at least 10 times over. It’s been 7 years since Dad died and everything just stopped working for her, or was a stupid thing to her as she’s lost the ability to work microwaves and answering machines. I had a million post it notes everywhere with reminders and notes.

I know deep down I’ve done the best thing to keep her safe. I also know that this isn’t easy for her - neither is it for me. What I don’t know how to do yet is protect myself from getting sucked into the negativity, how to get rid of the constant lump in my throat, or even sleep the night through again. I’m hoping with time, and with what I’m learning here with all of you, is that I will find the strength to weather this. I refuse to lose my marriage, my job and perhaps even my own sanity simply to care for a very negative Mom.

My 83 yr old mom's behavior is not new. She has always acted put upon and miserable. She thrives on sympathy and has created a wedge between me and a family I was once close to by lying to get sympathy from them. It worked every time. They no longer speak to me even though they know how she is. She is in independent living. Many resources of entertainment are available to her. She doesn't want to get out of her chair to go to any of them. Complains she is lonesome, bored, nobody to talk to. Pretty much same as I see here. I finally had to tell her that if she won't get up from the chair and go to some of the activities or find some way of entertaining herself, it's on her. I have no living siblings and dad passed a long time ago. Family got so sick of complaining they don't return her calls. Even the social worker got tired of her. SW told me she needs positive encouragement. I didn't say it but thought, you are in for quite the job, lady. She quit 2 weeks in. She will nag me to death to bring her things that I know she won't use. If I only had yarn and a crochet hook. Brought them. Never opened the package. Then it was knitting needles. Package still unopened. SPECIFIC colored pencils and coloring book from her house. Never moved from where I left them. The food sucks. Bought food. Threw it away when it spoiled. There is no happy for her and never will be. I told her this. Her response is the usual, crying, tantrum, threats to drop dead. It used to work. Not anymore.

I am going through the same thing with my 87 year old Dad always being negative and it drives me CRAZY! Just think if you lived with him...I ignore him a lot and sometimes I feel guilty. But I have to do something because I can't let that depress me or get me stressed. It's SO HARD let me tell you! Everyday all day he has something negative to say and the ironic thing about this whole thing is that he will be ALWAYS be positive about winning the lottery....lol
I love him to death, and I also need help coping with this. This post and comments has helped me some but my situation is different because I live with my Dad. But yeah just hang in there because I DEFINITELY understand and I might just make my own post about this myself.

People who were negative when they were young will usually continue to be negative when older. She is following life long patterns.

You don’t have the power to change her behavior but you can certainly change your reaction to it.

You can also break cycles. Don’t copy any of her personality traits.

If she isn’t willing to change her pessimistic behavior she will become lonely because most people will avoid her.

People like this are extremely difficult to be around. They will drain all of your energy.

Life! it does have its ups and downs.. I believe a person should do there very best. Mom is your mom and the only mom you will ever have. your mom maybe thinking negativity because of the things she have seen and have been going through. In fact, she maybe going through it. you can't absolutely trust what the people are saying about your mom. stop by there on a different day or hour to see for yourself. I'm not saying this is what's happening. I have heard stories of things happening. Listen to your mom like your mom use to listen to you when you were little. She means will. I never wanted my mom in any kind of home other than mine. Because she had lived in Va. I was in NYC she did not want to come reside with me. She had a home. i always say its better to be in your own home and get assistance. i know she worked you could have someone come to her. Everyone when there sick or dying and no one can or willing to give up there lives for whatever reason. should let them stay in there own residences i feel that way. everyone feels at peace and secure. just like your mom would get annoyed with you at times same goes for us. always put yourself in those shoes. Its not a guarantee your husband and or children will be there for you and if there listening to you talk about your mom they will do you likewise. i would ask my mom what do you want mom? i would also, get a therapist for her. there are ways to help her. if you would try not to be selfish. mom was there for you so do your best to be there for her. figure out what options are good for the both of you. this way you will not feel guilty. we can only do the best we can. As always pray about everything. Hope I'm not being harsh. I'm just being honesty.

Reading a lot of the responses here and I'm also going through this with my grandmother. I have posted here before about her and my grandfather and how they both starting ailing around the same time a couple years back while I still lived with them. I moved (best thing I've ever done), she recovered and is still at home, and my grandfather is in a nursing home, actually in the hospital right now due to some broken bones from several falls (that's a WHOLE other story). My mom and I are caring for both of them, visiting, etc., but my grandmother hates when anyone pays my grandfather any attention or visits him. She's been holding THE longest grudge ever over something he had done in the past (and he apologized for). She's been using COVID to tell us not to go visit my grandfather, claiming she's scared of catching it. Even told my mom if she goes to visit him to not come over to see her. I knew I would get this same speech when I went to check on her yesterday and I was right. She was trying to make herself cry and saying she's sick (she has CHF but has been doing pretty well). I get it but she then says things like "He's 92. He's lived his life already." and then goes into how much she's done for him and how he hurt her. It's infuriating. I've spent a good chunk of my adult life trying to look out for her and I have been tired of her mess for years. I told my mom after I take her to the doctor this week, I'm not coming over as much because I have to protect my energy. Normally she'd say something like "Oh don't do that you know she's older" but this time she completely understood.

My Mom is very negative and has alienated almost everyone in her life. Boundaries and Grey Rock are helping me but still difficult. I usually try to paint or draw when we talk by phone as it serves as a nice distraction and I don’t listen very closely. I also changed her ringtone on my phone to silent as hearing the phone ring was a huge trigger.

I am so sorry you feel this way regarding your own Mother but I can definitely understand your pain. I feel the same way about my MIL. She has been a burden to us for over 15 years. She lived with us 9 years and it was HORRIBLE!! I had vowed to never deal with her after we moved her right next door but being the caring person I am, I decided to help with limitations. I don't even see or talk to her everyway and she still gets on my nerves. She is negative, a liar, nosey, unappreciative, feels entitled, drama filled and just a plain ol good for nothing old lady. I am tired of her. I pray that my husband puts her in a senior facility so she can atleast be around othet seniors or people similar to her personality AND so we won't have to deal with her.
I think you should do whats best for YOU, not your Mother. Pray and ask God to take the guilt away. You dont owe your Mother anything but as her daughter you can help when you can or if you want to but if its too much allow the professionals to do it. Step back and stay involve with her overall care as far as making sure she is being treated well. I wouldn't stress out over it. You have a life too. I PRAY it all works out for you.

Hi all. I am somewhat of a lurker on these boards and specifically this page. I have written before about my mom, who will be 62 in June. She has had a series of strokes (talking maybe 7 or 8) since I was 12. I am now 24 and will be 25 in June. She has not driven since I was 12, and when my dad died at 14 years old, I was left to do much of her caretaking. Yes, we have family, but she unfortunately has alienated much of her siblings, mother, etc. I am an only child.

My mom lives off of disability and SS from my deceased dad. I recently married my High school sweetheart and boyfriend of 8 years, and her family decided that her 3 bedroom condo was too big for her now that I am married and no longer staying with her. There were also several times over the summer where she left burners on, left the oven on. Once the fire department had to come because of the excessive gas from stove being left on.

My husband and I bought our house on November 22, the day after, mom has another stroke. Instead of moving to an apartment, she decided she wanted to live in a 5 star retirement community (independent with options for apartment care or to move up to AL). My family pulled many strings to make this happen as she was adamant on wanting to live there specifically.

Well, she moved in March 2, and shortly after, COVID came through and made everything a mess. I worked several hours for several days a week for many weeks helping my mother downsize and move into her new place. Something about the move, while I agree can be stressful, has completely turned her into the most hateful person ever.

My uncle helps us a lot (probably out of pity and care for me), and when he didn't show up one day, my mom called and cursed him out and was so offensive. I asked my mom if he specifically said he was going to be there that day -- nope, he didn't say he was. I said mom, you cant get mad at someone for not helping if they didn't say they would be there. She says - why dont you leave your husband and go hook up with him. My uncle. Still cannot believe those words came out of her mouth. It has nothing to do with my husband and everything to do with her insecurity.

She also recently said to me, how on EARTH did I manage to raise a daughter with the compassion of a mosquito, how? how?!!! And freaked out on me. Mind you, this was after hours of moving and organizing her belongings.

She has called me a b*tch so many times I cant begin to count. The thing is - I never get nasty with her they way she does to me, I stay calm cool and collected. I say, mom, sometimes I think you say things you dont mean when you are overwhelmed. It's almost like she wants me to spit fire in her face right back. I refuse.

RECENTLY, she has been getting into trouble, and even threatened the staff at her new living facility all due to this Covid quarantine business. She feels she is being treated unfairly, forget that thousands of people are dying and especially in her communities age group/health status.

My relationship with my mom has been take take take ever since my childhood. I can distinctly remember even trying to talk to her about things and she says, Im not your friend, Im your mother!

I see all of you who are sometimes in your 50's, 60's, and beyond with the same issues I face. Will this be my life for the next 40 years? What can I do? It's becoming too much for me to emotionally bare.

Yes normal and you have gone above and beyond. Take care of yourself as well.

My 88 year old father was found to be depressed and have dementia after a neuropsychologist evaluation. The depression diagnosis was a surprise, not because he's always cheerful, rather, because he's always been very critical, mean, and vindictive to me and my family. Being put on antidepressants has made him much easier to be around. He still says mean things to and about me, but he is much more easily distracted. I try to focus on being upbeat and positive no matter how negative he becomes and I am also surprised to find that he often mirrors my attitude. I've even heard him repeating some of the positive spin I put on some of the mean stories he tells repeatedly. I'm not saying that this will always work with him or anyone else, but you might consider having your mother evaluated for both dementia and depression. Both can present with subtle mood and personality problems and/or changes.