Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
I continue to make progress, but still working hard. I felt as though I had a major breakthrough this past week and the psychologist agreed. I am connecting more than ever with my "inner child," and keeping my emotional distance from my mother much more effectively. I am not used to this! It mostly feels great, but also sort of sad. The other day, my mother and I had a very long conversation after she accused me of saying something I did not say. I eventually went over to check on her and when I entered she was sitting, sort of deeply sleeping but not completely. She mumbled she was trying to kill herself by no longer eating. (She has a pretty good body weight and that would certainly take a very long time...) We started conversing about what I said that was bothering her, and she felt a little better, but manwhile I had an idea to record our conversation on my phone. I listened to the recording a few times in the evening until my husband told me to stop and erase it, which I did. But is was worth all the listening. I noticed a few things--my mother is starting to slip cognitively more than I realized and I now know there is no hope whatsoever for us to ever have a true and meaningful relationship. That ship has sailed. I also learned that she just did not ever really see me as a separate person. The discussion was so long that I couldn't begin to describe it all here, but by asking her some questions, I realized that I absolutely cannot fix her. (Like you all told me!!) No wonder all of my ridiculous, herculean efforts haven't worked all these years! No wonder I haven't had a nurturing mother--she just cannot be that person due to her own issues. It was like an epiphany. I am now trying to balance what I need to do to help her while protecting myself from her verbal onslaughts. She continues to be mean but also periodically confused. i have to learn how to deal with that a little better. Today she told me she could feel me distancing myself from her, and she is right -- I am, but I didn't say that. Her expressed solution was, "Now I need to distance myself from you..." and not ask me for another thing, besides what I already do for her... Her nastiness is intact for sure, but she is somehow more vulnerable. I have to work on keeping myself steady and in control as she gets more confused and angrier.
But here is the really good news-- I hardly call her anymore--she calls me, and that seems to work better. I am not rushing over there all the time--I am trying to skip a couple of days per week and only go over once a day when I do go--she lives in a duplex, not a senior independent living place. (I used to do a ridiculous amount of work to try and please her or make her happy with me...) I am keeping a journal, and... well... I feel different--not so connected to her. I think I am on the road to recovery, but I never thought it would happen. So, once again, thank you, and keep wishing me well. I am undoing a lifetime of "brainwashing," but it is actually happening. I guess a good way to sum it up is that I am still concerned and bothered when she is upset and angry, but I no longer perform as her super-woman or her whipping post. Nor do I think I have done something wrong for which I need to be forgiven when she is angry. That is major. Thanks, friends, you are making a huge, huge difference and I am getting better!
When my mom was in IL, I visited once a week. I rarely spoke to her on the phone. There was a doctor on site several times a week, so she could get herself to the doctor if there was a problem. There was also a geriatric psychiatrist who visited her once a month for management of her anxiety meds.
Just a little reality check for how often someone else checked in with an elderly mom in a facility where there are always people around in a real emergency.
Men tend to view romance different from women. So, it might be very interesting to ask your husband what he thinks is romantic. Hopefully he will answer you and ask you what you find romantic.
Then, ya;ll go out for a romantic night that included some from each list. Be creative, unwind, and have fun! Who knows, but ya'll just might have such an enjoyable and refreshing time together than both of you might find yourselves feeling much younger because romance can be so re-energizing.
There is one more book that comes to mind, but I think I've said plenty. Unwind and enjoy being a wife again whom I'm sure he will enjoy and feel closer to you again for.
Have fun, but don't feel that you have to tell anyone about it for it's not like your date, dating, but your dating-married which is no one else's business who is on the outside.
I think romance in marriage is part of one's own private world that is to be enjoyed and kept alive as well as protected.
Your children will be glad to see a sparkle in your eyes once again and it will be good marital modeling for them. As true as that it, do so primarily just for you two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife and I have been married since 1988 and we were in our early 30's when we got married. . We continue to find creative and fun ways to be a fun loving couple! Ok, that's all the suggestions that I'm go to say for each couple must create their own private life in their own way.
If it's a real emergency, she'll call 911. If it's not, it can wait til the morning. This is called setting boundaries.
Here's a wild idea just the two of you go out and have a good time on the town but spend the night in a nice hotel. In other words go out for a date. I think too many couples stop dating each other over time.
CMagnum--I go to counseling on Tuesday and I have to wait until then. The cost is prohibitive if I go more often, but now would indeed be a good time. Babalou--you are so right--I cannot have a conversation with my mother. There is no such think. It is continually walking on eggshells because I never know what to do or say--it is like walking on a tightrope that has hot spots! My mother lives independently. If she were in assisted living, somethings would be much easier--others might be harder, but at least I would know she had someone with her. Linda--you are so right. She will fight to the deth to maintain control and I must find balance and set boundaries. I am working really, really hard, you guys. I guess this is the most challenging part of my recovery. Not giving in to my inner child who wants desperately to have her approval and get that pat on the head. I do think I did not need to say as much as I did, but her coldness and complete disregard for my feelings just caught me at the wrong moment. She is so cold when she is like this. I remember my father who said to me shortly before he died, "She can be so cold...so cold." My poor dad--when he had ulcertive colitis, and my husband and I were visiting, she wanted to shame him or somethihng and asked in front of us, "Did you make in your pants again?" She was often so horrible to him.
Okay--this is scary and I do not know how it will end, but I can honeslty say that I have given my all--as much as I could, until I am literally losing myself. I cannot do this anymore. I wish I weren't so scared and I wish I knew what to do next. Do I call this evening? I always talk with her multiple times. She can call me 5-11 times per day. Do I go over there this evening and check on her? Do I not do anything and hope for the best? I am trying so hard, but I might weaken by later today. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
Your mom's options are to see a doctor or just let things be, there's no magical Door #3. You suggested that she see a doctor, she refused and that's her choice. Often narc moms will bring up a problem, only shoot down the options for resolution of the problem because they don't actually want to solve it. They're mentioning it to elicit sympathy, guilt, whatever. cmag is on point about the counseling - often whatever personal info you divulge to your mom will become a way to zing you later.
Please try to fight the urge to call and say whatever you have to to make her nice for that moment. She's trying to get back the control she sees slipping from her as you start to find your balance and boundaries.
When you are engaged in a relationship in which you never, ever, ever get it right, say or do the right thing, it's time to 1. Stop being friends with the person, 2. Get a divorce or in the case of its being a parent or child 3. Set firm boundaries. Behave as if your mother is a normal human being and don't walk on eggshells.
Is there a nurse at mom's assisted living? If she hates going to the doctor, perhaps she can consult with the nurse.
"I never knew if I was supposed to be her -----"
I realize this is tough, but that's too much to worry about. So, try to just be yourself. She's not going to change and seeking to reason with her accomplishes about as much as spitting in the wind.
Do fight the urge to call her back. Also, there is no need for you to tell her anything more about your getting counseling. That and probably other things in your own life likely don't need to be told to her.
You have bigger roles in life to be about. I hope you will hang in there. When do you see your counselor next? Would your insurance allow you to see them more frequently? Sounds like you could use the extra support right now.
So now I am fighting the urge to call her back and try and say whatever it takes to make her be nice to me again. I am always living in fear of her--that I will screw up and she reminds me constantly that she is old but I have everything going for me. I do not have everything going for me. I am suffering from a kind of emotional paralysis and it is a bad morning. BUT, so far I have not calleed her back and am hanging in there. I just cannot go on like this. At this rate I will die before she does. I could and would never be like this to my children. I was thinking I didn't have to lay down boundaries but here I am again. Detach, detach, detach. Jeweltone and many of you have inspired me. I am at a scary crossroad but hanging in there I just cannot face the rest of my life like it has been. I just cannot do it.
Just an update--I really am feeling good about the counselor. Doing lots of work on healing the child within. I am booked weekly with the counselor through December so I know there is much to do. I am learning more and more everyday and gaining more strength every day, remembering it is two steps forward, one step back. This morning she called and wanted to pick a fight over what she should do in an emergency. We have gone over this multiple times. This is not dementia--this is the same discussion we have had for years--she is always trying to prove that I am not there for her... Always doubting that I will be there. This must go back to her abandonment issues so I try to be patient. Her voice was that familiar challenging, sarcastic tone I have grown to recognize quickly and I am now rolling better with it. "Let me get this straight--if I have an emergency, you do not want me to call you first, right?" "No mom, you should call me first. If I do not answer then call 911 or push your button." "You want me to call you first?" "Yes, mom." "Oh, all right."
Dog update: she is going to receive a dog from a breeder after it has its litter in December. Sweet dog, very calm. I think it will be all right. Yes, I will help, but I am willing to help. If things do not work out, I will keep the dog or return it to its owner. I am also willing to do this. There is no pet therapy or pet-loan in the area, and she is allergic to cats--at least she thinks she is. I am grateful for the period of calm (related to dogs) from now until December. Thanks for all the ideas and advice. If this doesn't work out, I honestly think she will move into an independent or assisted living facility and that might be for the best in the long term, although she will hate the food, the people, the struture, the everything to begin with. Oh--such joyous events to look forward to! (I must have inherited a little sarcasm...) Have a great day!
There are various values of subcultures and religious subcultures that have a very twisted view of people, children, spouses, selfishness what you do and do not talk about, and what it means to be an unselfish, helping person for others which so often is taken to a deadly extreme. A definition of selfishness that says that taking care of yourself is not as important as taking care of someone else, it's a set up for being walked on like a door mat. When folks isolate you by telling you to not tell anyone outside of your family about your life, you're being groomed for abuse. If someone says if mom or dad is not happy, then no one is happy, you are being told that your own happiness does not matter and you will never have your own happiness apart from them. When a parent says something like "I brought you into this world and I can take you out" you're dealing with a potentially harmful person at least emotionally harmful.
Some people's subculture grooming includes twisting of religious teaching for the parent's advantage that I've mentioned in another thread somewhere on AC.. Nowhere in the bible does it say you have to only take care of an elderly parent at home (your's or their's), give up your job, loose your marriage, leave your own home or in practically honor them in the name of the the bible's call to honor one's parent to the degree that you no longer honor an existing marriage or honoring ones own self care. There's not any religious teaching that says when your parent gets old and unhealthy that you leave your spouse and cleave unto your parent until death do you part! Some narcissistic and borderline parents seem to have a different view from what is actually in the Bible and actually said in wedding vows.
Self-denial does not mean denying or destroying the very unique self that God made us as. Our lives matter too! Lastly, if we don't find ways to have our own life before such a parent dies, we will find it very hard to have a life after they die because their voice will still be so strong in our lives for we had not started detaching from them earlier.
Take care!
I'd say instead of getting a new dog see if your mom could help at an animal shelter every week or two. If she could go in and just pet some animals and give them attention it'd do the animals and her some good, and then there's no worry about her having to walk or clean up after a dog, etc.
Philis, you made many good points? Thank you.
I would say no to the dog. Why? Who is going to take the dog out? her? no. Who is going to pick up the poo when the dog goes poo/pee in her or someone else's house? Her? No. Who is going to wash the dog? Her? No. Who is going to go to the store to buy food for the dog? Her? no. Who is going to take care of the dog if she passes away? Her? obviously no.
Meaning the thing that when you lie down to go to sleep are saying to yourself "I was so stupid, why can't I just do this". That is the thing that usually contradicts what you are actually doing out of fear of being called unloving, but it is the exact thing you SHOULD be doing. WHY? Because YOUR life is just as legitimate as everyone else's life, you know those other lives you think are suffering, yea well wake up YOU are now suffering too, so WHO TAKES CARE OF YOU???? Only you can at this point usually since no one else is in your life anymore after going through these kinds of situations.
I am coming to figure it out that it is some of the twisted interpretations of cultural or spiritual morals we have learned or been taught and don't think there are exceptions or limits to those things. We are taught that selfishness is wrong, again another example of a moral which has limits and exceptions, if no one were selfish then no one would even work or eat or buy a tshirt for themselves. Deep down we are tormented by wrong interpretations of words like selfishness, love, caring, helping, etc. We think all these things have no conditions (a lie) and no limits (a lie) and no exceptions (a lie).
So in the end you will have to oppose the tormenting voices in your mind that constantly tell you that you are being bad and evil by setting limits to people and their behaviors. You will have to be ok with people cursing you and saying you are uncaring, unloving, selfish, greedy, etc. etc. You know what it is that is right, that which tells you "I wish I had not been so stupid and done so and so" that is usually almost every time the thing you should ALWAYS be doing.
"I didn't know I was competing with you," I snarled back at her. Then I added,
"If I knew I had to compete with you I would have had a better time and really picked some winners!"
We both laughed!
I was just trying to think of how the thinking of others might be. I remember riding down the backwood roads of south Georgia back in the 1980s. People would have areas that they dumped things -- old furniture, tires, garbage, etc. Crews would come along occasionally and try to clean things up. Finally the county started posting "No Dumping" signs. It worked fast. I think caregivers have to make their own signs or people will continue to dump their negativity onto them. The signs don't have to be mean or angry, but they do have to establish that you are a no dump zone. This sounds like what you are doing with your mother. So cool the progress you are making. You're giving me ideas on things I can try.