My husband and I have an incredibly busy life. We have three sons, full-time IT jobs, he is also a football coach and I'm in the middle of several home projects. On top of all this, we have recently become the 24/7 caregivers for his mom and our caregiving has been mostly at her house, which is 30 minutes away from our home.
When she was discharged, she had some delirium, was very weak and needed assistance with everything. Since then, her mind and body has gotten a lot stronger and we are very happy about that! However, her doctor still thinks it's best for her to have 24/7 supervision.
The issue I'm having is my husband keeps making impractical and unsustainable decisions based on what his Mom wants and is, essentially, putting our family and work life second.
Example #1: We decided it would be best for Mom to stay with us at our house. I converted one of our rooms for her and started getting estimates to change the downstairs bathroom to be ADA-compliant.
But, after staying for three days, Mom was super irritated and wanted to go home. My husband concluded that she didn't want to stay with us and said we just need to take care of Mom at her house and figure something else out. But, he has made no suggestions on what the "something else" could be.
Example #2: My sister-in-law and Mom had a falling out and didn't speak for 10 years. After Mom was discharged, my sister-in-law unexpectedly appeared. Since her return, they've made up. She picks up Mom on Saturday, they go to her apartment, watch tv, and she returns Mom home on Sunday.
My husband doesn't trust his sister at all. He's just waiting for her to show her true colors and the other shoe to drop. I'm also suspicious of her, but I'm glad she's back because it seems to make Mom happy. Plus, it gives us a break!
After three weekends, Mom said she doesn't want to go to my sister-in-law's apartment because she's bored there. She wants to be home on the weekends and is fine spending time with my sister-in-law, but she wants to do it in her own home.
My husband concluded that his sister will not want to spend the weekends at Mom's house. (Even though he didn't ask her.) He says we shouldn't rely on her and we (he and I) should just expect to spend the weekends with Mom at her house and figure something else out. But, again, he has made no suggestions on what the "something else" could be.
Example #3: For financial reasons, it's best to rent Mom's house out and I started making moves towards this when our initial plan (as described in Example #1) was still in affect.
But, because Mom wants to stay there, we can no longer rent out the entire house. She's willing to rent out individual rooms, but only to "certain people" she's comfortable with. (Meaning people of her culture, her gender, and around her age range.) Of course, my husband wants to do what Mom is comfortable with.
However - truth be told - these "certain people" are few-and-far-between AND - if they do happen to come looking for a room - these "certain people" will only agree to pay a RIDICULOUSLY LOW rental price.
I told my husband we need a "cut off date" of when we'll stop dealing with "certain people" and open the rooms to "other people". My argument is if we don't do that, we won't make it financially. My husband says "well, if that happens, we'll open it up". But, I don't want to get remotely close to financial hardship because we are tight enough as it is. (By the way, my husband wants to eventually take over Mom's house. But, I discovered she has a reverse mortgage and - from what I can see - the balance will soon be too high to be worth taking over.)
My husband is a genuinely good man. But, I feel his decisions are impractical and unsustainable for us. I've told him he needs to talk with Mom and have her make some tough decisions because life, as she knew it, is just not going to be the same. I know that'll be a difficult conversation, but other than that, I don't what else to do.
And do stop enabling Hubby. If he says " we need to figure something else out" make sure he's the one doing and make sure he's not committing you to do something without asking you about it first!!
I would definitely hold off on plans to remodel aspects of your home from Mom for a number of issues:
1- township code regulations need to be followed even in ADA compliances for residential neighborhoods (remember ADA only covers commercial properties)
2- funding for renovations is subject to be expensive. If your MIL pays for the renovations, it could compromise her eligibility for Medicaid should she require it in the future.
3-While multigenerational houses were a common thing in years gone by they are less common today partly because most households require two incomes so in addition to wife playing homemaker (laundry, cleaning, cooking, child care, shopping) she is also career woman with all those attendant duties and responsibilities and life is much more complex. Are you really sure that you want MIL in your home 24/7 for how many possible years?
In MIL suffers a severe enough decline in health in the future, she may need AL (usually accepts only private pay for at least several years) or even LTC (particularly if she requires 24/7 care) which will require a Medicaid application since she may not have private funds and with the house having a reverse mortgage on it already.... she will have little equity in it.
Even at this stage you may want to have a brief initial consultation with a certified eldercare attorney as this will give you some idea of where MIL is financially.
Good Luck on your journey.
Stick to your guns, my friend! Step one is that the person (male) who prepares the dinner, also does the washing up!
What I see here is Mom has not really been able to stay in her house since her DH died. Reversed mortgages, roommates. Also sounds like the house is too big for her. She should have sold years ago and gotten something she could have afforded. I know a number of women in their 60s that have had to make changes because of the death of a husband. One moved to an apartment the other already had a MIL suite. She moved in there and the daughter bought the house. Works for them.
I think you need to make a big decision here. You may just need to move in with Mom. Maybe that's why DH has no solutions. He is trying to say that we need to move there. Her house sounds big. Could it be set up as two different living areas. No more need for roommates. With the reversed mortgage, if Mom has used up the equity she probably no longer owns it anyway. You really don't want to have a Mortgage at this stage of your life.
Its a shame that as we age we don't realize that life keeps changing and there are choices that we have to make even at 87. That logically, MIL can't stay in her home. If you get to talk her back to living with you, that the cost of adding on is on you. That her money can't be used if she may need Medicaid in the next 5 yrs. (or whatever ur State lookback is) Medicaid looks at it as an improvement to your home that you reap the rewards of when u sell.
A visit to an eldercare attorney would be a prudent move.
How old are your 3 sons?
So there are two other elderly ladies living in her house and paying uneconomic rent for their rooms?
And she can't afford to pay for the house out of income (including current rent) and meanwhile has racked up debt on it?
Oh mother dear, see here, see here...
Mother has some challenges ahead to look in the face.
First is her health. Does she feel she is making good progress? Is she beginning to take responsibility for her own safety and wellbeing, e.g. by conscientiously using her walker, doing any exercises the therapist recommends between sessions, considering a falls alert system (or wearing her alarm if she's already got one)?
Then is finance. Those numbers won't go away. Has someone sat down with her and added them up properly?
Most of the time elderly folks are reluctant to leave their houses because they think that if they agree to move into a senior community or a smaller place, that the next step will be a nursing home.
Your MIL has a valuable asset. Her house. You and your husband should not pay one cent towards anything for her. You are right that if she has a reverse mortgage and it will cost too much for the two of your to take it over at some point, then don't.
If her doctor said she needs to live with 24-hour supervision, then renting rooms out to paying guests isn't going to happen. No one willing to pay rent will ever be willing to become her caregiver.
Your husband sounds like a nice guy who loves his mom and wants to make her happy.
But sometimes what a person needs is different from what they want. You MIL needs to be in smaller, downsized apartment in a senior community or assisted living.
For your sake as well as your husband's, don't let anyone (including your MIL) talk the two of you into moving her into your home.
* DH doesn't say NO to his Mom. Either he never learned, feels too awful or it has never occurred to him.
So he is still living in Golden Boy Land. Where Mom must be obeyed. Mom is always right.
Ask him this. What happens if you say NO to Mom?
Does fire breathe from her mouth & destroy all the world? Would she sulk... go silent, yell? What would happen to him? Thrown into a dungeon? Beheaded?
Unless your MIL is truly a fire-breathing dragon or an evil Queen - I think he'll live.
Seriously, try 3 things;
1. Put all her requests through a *reasonable* filter.
2. Ask her how she will solve her own problems.
3. Support & encourage your DH to say no when he needs to.
My Grandmother's Doctor suggested supervision. Of course she preferred to live in her own home. Was it reasonable her adult children left their jobs, partners & children to come to look after her? A week or so post surgery OK, if possible. Long term forever? NO.
You are ‘enabling’ your husband to feel comfortable about doing what MIL wants (NB not needs), by going along with it and making it easier for him and for MIL. If you really don’t agree, don’t want to do that, don’t think it’s sustainable, just stop. When DH has to do it all, and organise it all, he is much more likely to see the trees as well as the wood. MIL will be more willing to change if she doesn’t have endless company on her own terms.
Focus on your own busy life, don't even discuss all this at any length. Let them sort it out. You have quite enough to do, without coping with crazy complications.
Oh no! I'm an enabler! I know it and I admit it! HAHAHA!!!
It's just so hard for me to not step in and just handle it because, when I have stepped away and let my husband deal with it, I see how much he struggles and I'm like "Oh my God, what the hell are you doing?" And then I'm back.
But, yeah, I totally agree with you! I really need to focus on our own busy busy life and home and my three boys and hope and trust that my husband and mother-in-law will figure it out!
Thanks again!
"When she was discharged, she had some delirium, was very weak and needed assistance with everything. Since then, her mind and body has gotten a lot stronger and we are very happy about that! However, her doctor still thinks it's best for her to have 24/7 supervision."
This means that the doctor does not believe that she is safe to live UNSUPERVISED in her own home or anywhere else. In other words, she either needst to be in Assisted Living or have 24/7 aides, wherever she resides.
You are not providing 24/7 supervision.
Please go back to the doctor and haver her/him explain to mom and both of your what the recommendation is.
Then mom can express her wishes about how she wants to accomplish this. Clearly, with the lifestyle you and DH lead, you two cannot be her caregivers, no matter how much she might want that.
Everyone needs to be clear on what mom needs, first of all. How that is to get accomplished comes second and needs to be hammered out, financially and in every other way.
Sorry, I don't think I was very clear. Yes, my husband and I both work full-time IT jobs, but our work is online and remote. So, on the weekdays, we actually stay at her house, do our work from there, as well as supervise her. When we go back to our home for a few days, we take her with us. My mother-in-law would prefer to stay at her house, so - when it comes time to go to our house - she insists that we leave her and that she's fine. But, we don't leave her. We take her with us and she really doesn't like that.
*sigh*
As to the SIL and who gets along with whom and who is trustworthy and not?
I can't tell if Mom is in need of 24/7 care which you say you are doing; how does that work. Your husband goes over, then he comes home and you go over. 24/7 means that someone is there every moment 24/7. If Mom is, as you say competent, how is it that you feel you can make her decisions for her about where she will live, who she will live with, and etc.
This just sounds like no one agrees with anyone about anything. You describe a very busy life. I can't fit any pieces of this puzzle together, myself, but I surely do wish you all well with it. I hope you find a way to make all the pieces fit.
Yeah, just want to clear some things up that I understand are confusing ...
"I can't tell if Mom is in need of 24/7 care which you say you are doing; how does that work. Your husband goes over, then he comes home and you go over. 24/7 means that someone is there every moment 24/7."
My husband and I have been her caregivers due to the doctor's 24/7 supervision recommendation. So, we are with her all the time, except on the weekends when she goes with my sister-in-law. Because he and I work remote online IT jobs, we actually can do this. But, we have our own home and family to attend to (30 min away) and this is why we asked Mom to move to our house.
"If Mom is, as you say competent, how is it that you feel you can make her decisions for her about where she will live, who she will live with, and etc."
When Mom was first discharged, she agreed to move to our house. But, now that she is stronger in mind and body, she no longer wants to stay at our house. She wants to stay at her house. So, now we're back at her house. But, how can we be with her 24/7 at her house, but attend to our own home and family?
"As to the SIL and who gets along with whom and who is trustworthy and not?"
In a nutshell, there is a long history of past family feuds and bad financial situations that my sister-in-law is the common denominator of. Since her return, we are polite and cordial, but we are wary.
"You would rent out space in your MIL's home, where she lives alone, and you would rent it out willy nilly to people she doesn't want in her home?"
Ever since my father-in-law passed 20 years ago, she has rented out her house rooms to help cover costs. Currently, she has two roommates and she has three more rooms that she wants to rent out. She never rents to people she doesn't know in some way. She always rents to friends or friends of friends. This is nice, but these "certain people" (as I refer to them) pay very low rent and she is too nice to ask them to pay more.
She says she wants my husband to take over her house and my husband is agreeable to this. But, because she has a reverse mortgage and she has had it for a long while - at this point - the balance is very high. To get out of reverse mortgage, my husband would have to buy her house or co-sign a refinance with her, but now at a very high balance. That means a high monthly mortgage.
I would love to continue to rent to her friends and friends of friends if it covers the monthly mortgage or utilities. However, her rent charge is so low, the collected rent total will not cover it. This is the reason I suggested we need to rent to "other people" (outside her circle) that can pay a higher amount so she/we can, at least, cover her house expenses.
Again, I really appreciate your feedback and clarification questions!
I can't see in what way you are providing "24/7" care. She's living at her house. You're a 30 minute drive away. ???
But, it also seems like it's not necessary. Does the doctor say why he thinks it would be preferable?
If I were you, I think I'd sit tight, wait, and avoid spending any money on conversions. MIL seems determined to stay home. Eventually something will happen to change that situation. If you are sensible and quick on your feet, you will then dodge having her come to live with you and instead find her a nice apartment in a nice community, paid for from the sale of her home.
But none of the hypothetical arrangements for her will be up to you. The only thing that will be up to you is whether you agree to take on the care of a strong-minded lady whose son is not good at persuading her out of her own judgement. Have you got a stout stick handy not to touch that with?
"It sounds as if your MIL is making a strong recovery from whatever she was in hospital for, yes? What was that, by the way?"
She had gallstones, followed by COVID and pneumonia. The doctors seemed bleak about her recovery, especially because she is 87. But, here she is! Yes, she still moves very slowly and gets confused sometimes, but I really do think she really is making a strong recovery, all things considered.
"I can't see in what way you are providing "24/7" care. She's living at her house. You're a 30 minute drive away. ???"
My husband and I have been her caregivers due to the doctor's 24/7 supervision recommendation. So, we stay at her house, except on the weekends when she goes with my sister-in-law. Because he and I work remote online IT jobs, we actually can do this. But, we still have our own home and family to attend to (30 min away) and this is why we asked Mom to move to our house.
"But, it also seems like it's not necessary. Does the doctor say why he thinks it would be preferable?"
The doctor recommended this during her hospital stay and also upon discharge. I wonder what she would say if she saw how Mom is doing now? But, her home health nurse and physical therapist that come visit say she really needs to use her walker because her balance is still off. They have expressed how important it is to make sure she doesn't fall. So, maybe that's why they are saying 24/7 supervision still?
Thank you so much four your questions and feedback!