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Hello, I need some guidance. I think I've made a significant mistake. I'm eight months pregnant, and when I was five months along, I moved to be with my family and have been staying with my grandmother. She has been trying to control every aspect of my pregnancy, from whether I should have an epidural to who can be in the hospital room with me. While the baby’s father hasn’t been the best support, those decisions should be mine to make. My grandmother is also trying to dictate things like baby names and what I purchase. Since she lives in a remote area, I feel like I have no choice but to depend on her. She didn't inform me that she got rid of her other car and that her husband drives two hours to work every day, leaving them out of the house most of the day. I came to her for help, but once I arrived, everything shifted to being about her. She's even suggested that I need to manage everything on my own, in case she's not around someday, which makes me feel like I should have just stayed with the baby’s father. When I try to talk to her or ask for assistance, she often ignores me or claims she's too tired. Today, when I asked for advice on baby items, she instead went on a long rant about how challenging it is to care for a baby and made a comment about always wanting a baby, which felt uncomfortable. I’ve also been discussing my desire to return to the state where my baby’s father is, but she keeps giving reasons for why I should stay with her. I feel stuck since I can’t get around, and I’ll need to find work soon, but I’m dependent on her. She treats me like a child and is very overbearing, making everything revolve around her. I want to leave before the baby arrives, but I feel guilty as I've already told them I’d be around for the birth. It seems like no one has considered my feelings throughout this pregnancy. She appears to be trying to keep me trapped in her home and suggested finding work, even though she can’t take me out to the store or to appointments, as we must work around her husband’s and other house members’ schedules. She had assured me this wouldn’t be the case, and I’ve been relying on my baby’s father, which has been costly since I'm forced to order everything online.

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Things that are for sure: a baby shouldn’t live in a tense, emotionally healthy environment, few employers will hire you at 8 months pregnant, guilt feelings will leave you stuck and not accomplish anything, you tell grandma far too much and give her ammunition to use against you, you definitely need court ordered (not “ he said he’d help” or “he plans to pay”) child support in place, becoming a mother requires you to act as an adult, ready or not, and this includes making the best decisions you can for your own family, not grandma. I wish you the best with your new baby and life. Parenting is both a huge challenge and joy
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Move back to the original state before you deliver. I would start seeking out places that will help single moms until you can get on your feet again in the original state and county you left.

If you are not happy where you are, can you go back to the baby's dad for now? Can you try to make your relationship work with him?
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Reply to Scampie1
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You need to move out as soon as possible. If you do not, you will more than likely become a caregiver. I'm not saying that being a caregiver is bad, but everyone's situation is different. You are about to become a new mother and will have an infant to care for. You will need reliable transportation at all times for the yours and the baby's doctors appointments and etc. Many states have programs for single moms that might help with housing. The key is to leave! I hope you can leave before the baby is born but if not, please as soon as the baby is born and you are able, make plans to move.
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Reply to faithfulbeauty
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cover9339 Oct 29, 2024
Problem is she is in NV, with no access to a car. She didn't state what city/town it is, though it must be a nice distance from a bigger area since she mentioned it takes grandpa 2 hours to get to work, and they're "stuck" until he gets back.
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I don't think this is the forum for your situation. This is a family issue, not an eldercare issue.

You are in a tough situation. You need to figure out how to get your s**t together and stand on your own two feet.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Color me confused....You say she is trying to dictate baby names yet you say you asked her for her opinion on baby names. Can't have it both ways sweetie.
Unless she has you chained or has broken your legs (thank Steven King and the book Misery for that) you are not "trapped"
Move out of grandma and grandpa's house.
I have the feeling if you do not leave before the baby is born you will not be leaving anytime soon.
By the way, she is treating you like a child because to her you are a child.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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cover9339 Oct 29, 2024
Not as easy to do with limited access to transportation. In some places it can feel like being "trapped" especially with no access to a car and/or public transit.
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There are two reasons why your family might be pressuring you to stay with GM:
1) They don’t think you can cope on your own or with the BF; OR
2) They want you to turn into a caregiver for your GM.

Think carefully about which it is. If it’s the second, work out when to leave as soon as you can. You need somewhere to give birth and for the first weeks, but it will be easier to cope with if you have a clear exit plan.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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There must have been a reason that you left the baby's father in the first place to move across the country to go back home, why was that? Were you working when you were in Maryland? Sometimes it sucks to realize that you can't rely on your partner or your family and that you have to be the one to make things happen. Do you have a driver's license and a car? What are you planning to do for daycare or have you signed up assistance through your county? I think that there are bigger issues here than how grandma is treating you. You are going to be responsible for another life soon and your relationships with boyfriend and grandma are quickly going to become secondary to what the baby needs.
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Reply to EmotionallyNumb
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Say, there are lots of things you can do to improve your mental health if you can't get to therapy.

I would start with Googling everything about codependency. I would look up Melody Beattys books, she helped me the most, actually my therapist suggested them years ago, "Codependency, No More."

I sometimes go on meta AI on Instagram and ask "it" question. Like if you ask it what is codependency, it will tell you, then give you places and book ideas to learn more.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Anxietynacy Oct 25, 2024
Also to add, be careful of your mom , manipulating you to stay, so she has less worry about Mom
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I forgot to mention my baby’s father is in Maryland and I’m in Nevada
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Reply to Sayori
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Start by not telling your Grandma stuff. The less she knows, the less she can have an opinion about.

Regarding control: YOU are in control. If you don't think you have control it is because you are giving it away to her. You don't know what your boundaries should be or how to defend them.

I'm conflicted about advising you to go live with the baby's father. This is because when my son got his girlfriend pregnant (she hadn't even graduated HS and he was very immature). After my grandson was born they lived together in her home with her Dad but because they were both clueless it didn't last long and the stress caused my son to break out in hives from head to toe. His GF's Dad was a somewhat functioning bi-polar alcoholic. My son's GF was incredibly exhausted and stressed. Living together didn't last long, my son moved back in with us and parented "remotely". Just saying that, although moving back with your ex seems like an option, if it doesn't work out then what would be your back-up plan? How are you supporting yourself? Make sure your ex pays child support, either willingly or not. If you do go back to live with him it may be a good idea to go to couples counseling together. Raising a newborn when you are both exhausted and broke is no walk in the park.

Or, live near (not with) your Grandparents but apply for section 8 housing and financial aid. Go talk to social services for your current county. You will get aid. But don't expect much from your Grandmother... she sounds weird.

I truly wish you all the best going forward. You need to pursue wisdom so you can have the best life for you and your baby.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Sayori Oct 25, 2024
Hello, yes, the goal is to start working as soon as possible. The issue isn't just with him; it's mainly his parents, who influence him too much. We both struggle with setting boundaries with our families. He has started therapy, which I arranged because I thought it would be beneficial. I'm also trying to attend therapy, but it seems like my grandma is looking for reasons not to take me. The plan is either to move back in with him, but I made it clear that I wouldn't return unless we can rent out the basement, or to stay with my mom's boyfriend's family, where I grew up. I want to start working as soon as possible to save money and prepare for the baby's needs. Additionally, I want to establish my credit and save for my own place, but I'm uncertain about how to begin. When I ask my family for help, they delay and seem upset, making me feel that they don't want me to become independent. My mom came for the birth and mentioned we could leave together when I'm ready, but the last time I tried to leave, my family pressured me and guilted me. I'm worried that with the baby, it will be even more challenging, as they might use the baby to manipulate me into staying. Right now, I really need my mom's support.
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A free place to stay is always expensive.
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Reply to olddude
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Please don't feel guilty, and please leave this situation, nothing good will come from it.

Grandma is always going to try and dictate your life. If this is already going on, when the baby is born you will never have peace, she will always be telling you , the best way , to feed the baby, burp, etc.... also I suspect her ways are probably a bit behind the times.

You can't let guilt control you, or your child.

Congratulations on the new baby, move back with dad for now, and just concentrate on the new bundle of joy.

If you have to, to keep the peace , you can stretch the truth a little to grandma, tell her the baby's dad is begging for you to come back.

Best of luck
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Hi, Sayori. I’m also pregnant, which makes every decision you face and every challenge feel that much more difficult! But here is the thing: it isn’t insurmountable. You are far more capable than she is giving you credit for; please try to remember that, as hard as it might be, and don’t let her convince you otherwise.
if you feel safe with your baby’s father, that could be the easiest and quickest solution. Another option could be to talk to your doctor - privately - and share what you are experiencing. They may be able to connect you with local resources who can help you find a better place to stay and make sure you and baby are cared for.
If you do decide to or need to stay with your grandmother, please create a very detailed birth plan. Outline every single thing YOU want, and do not even show it to your grandmother. Make a copy for your doctor and keep a copy handy for when the time to deliver baby comes and hand it directly to a nurse. Your grandma can demand whatever care for you, but so long as you are above the age your state requires for you to make your own decisions, the medical staff will honor your wishes.
I hope everything works out well for you and soon ❤️
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Reply to Loveschocolate
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Living with grandma is not working for you . You have nothing to feel guilty about regarding your grandmother . Find another family member , friend or the baby’s father to stay with until the baby is born and you’ve recovered . Once you decide where you want to live , find a job and childcare . It’s up to you and the baby’s father if you want to be together .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Please go back to the baby's father like asap! There are too many fatherless children in the world.

Go back home and sort your life out from there. Your grandma sounds wacko.

It is not about your grandmother. Can the father come get you? Can you get a rideshare and get to a bus station or airport? A taxi maybe?
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Reply to Scampie1
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Sayori Oct 25, 2024
He’s in another state that’s what the problem is my family is in Nevada he’s in Maryland I feel like she lured me here to control everything and to keep him away from the baby
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Go back to where you were, near the baby’s father! She has no say in what you do and she sounds crazy.
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