Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Worried: Agreed - EMS has no other option but to break the elder's door for safety reasons.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

SO complicated and yet so necessary to have good evaluations done. If doctor and OT recommend ALF, talk with mom about the deficits that everybody sees. She needs to work with you, not feel she is being forced out of her home, her norm.

Ask her what living at home safely "for as long as she can" means to her. Outline the problems you, doctor and OT see. Home health care agencies usually have checklists like you describe. An agency can help list mom's needs and the resources and costs for their services. ALF can also do similar evaluations and provide estimates/price list for services. Be realistic about what you can provide to help out and what additional help mom needs to stay in her home.

It is possible to let her stay home with help. My MIL lives in a condo in Hawaii. She had round the clock home aides for many months. She now has a live-in caregiver. Expensive but my FIL's life insurance is paying for it. She is also on a wait list for Adult Day Care. No matter which direction you go, consistent communicating with care providers is essential as mom's health declines.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Dora1956 Aug 2019
Interesting feed back. My question, does a parent have total say as to when it’s no longer realistic to stay at home or Unless there is a medical POA? Can hospice make recommendations? I’ve only been ‘caregiving’ for 1 yr. this month. Hardest work I’ve ever done, emotional stress, strain. Physical wipeout. My mom lives with me. Siblings think they know but they will NEVER have a clue until they are with Mom 24/7 from the moment she opens her eyes in Morning until she closes them at night. They have no idea. Diagnosed with Dementia then had a hemorrhagic stroke & she lived. She can walk, talk, eat. Pretty mobile that’s why siblings think she’s ok. Her mind is a mess! It also has a hard time talking to her body. Mood swings are horrible!
I recently applied for Medicaid just waiting for ‘accept’ or ‘declined’.
Thank you.
Sometimes it just helps to write to someone that may see this or not. Siblings have stopped calling or asking questions. To much drama? Same ole same ole? Meanwhile for me I never know which Mom I’m getting from 1 day to the next.
(4)
Report
I have no family, no one. I lived in a lovely home with my animals but due to an old spinal injury I could no longer walk. I would have sold my soul to the devil to live out my life in the house but I could not handle three floors. When I had to have two banisters and use a rope to lift my leg onto the next step and then pull myself up and start over again, I knew I was done. It was sheer hell for me to do what I had to do in the house. I loved taking care of the outside property and being outside but when I had to shovel my walkway holding onto the railing with one hand and pushing the snow away with the other, I realized the end was near. I finally went into assisted living because I could not walk. I never thought assisted living was what it is - where the misfits of society go because they can't take care of themselves and no one wants them. Sad but true. Here I am, a fish out of water, nearly 86 years old. But I fooled everyone by taking 30 college courses on line in six years (stopped six months ago); going to computer school; writing book; still drive and go out to eat by myself; read two books a week; have all kinds of hobbies and take care of myself 99.9% - all because I am disabled. I hope I don't live long as I hate this environment but what could I do - I was so helpless in that house. I am in constant pain but I refuse to stop doing all the things I always loved to do and sheer determination and impossible guts makes it happen - and I succeed. And thank god my kitty keeps me company.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
Beatty Aug 2019
Riley2066, thank you for sharing & telling how it is from the other perspective. I expect it's normal to miss / grieve for your house. My Gran missed her house & her own space - was mobility that forced her move too. I hope you can still keep enjoying life, your kitty & hobbies. And keep making choices for yourself!
You sound like a very strong & determined person - all the best!
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
That's a great question Beatty. My mother was indeed unreasonable...all the way! She couldn't see enough to drive, hit a car, we took her car. Had to drag herself up the stairs to her apartment, (still refused to go2 ALF). But after admission to hosp, she was easily placed in ALF near me. That was 3 more yrs of complaints, ER trips, & blowing up my ☎. I hope I can dig up some better memories to remember her by.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Tiger,

Hubby’s grandma was like that. Big two story uptown home that she just had to live in. When I took her shopping it was a pain. Lug all the groceries upstairs because the bottom of her home she converted to her art studio where she painted.

She painted beautifully but wouldn’t part with any of them because she was so attached to them she couldn’t put a price on them. The family has most of them. She donated several of them to different organizations.

They had money so the bulk of the caregiving was done by caretakers. She had a housekeeper as well. I took over running errands with her when her daughter, hubby’s mom became sick with lymphoma.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
anonymous828521 Aug 2019
Wow, the painting sound like a wonderful hobby... Wish I had the guts to try that years ago. (To me, painting's such an emotional expression that I can't make myself do it.)
(2)
Report
All the replies are very useful. To satisfy my need to take action, I have advised her Doctor & lined up 2 aged care facilities for respite (if ever agreed to go). Called EMS & yes they would come if unable to get out of bed but may be long wait as an uninjured person laying in bed is very low priority (yep, agree). Apparently they CAN get in (via a building maintence guy?) but could be redirected to a Police welfare check instead - take longer & ? possible break door.

Until yesterday I had been considering just nailing that blooming key box on her wall myself! But she is worried it will be broken into & she will be robbed (would be MY fault of course).

I don't know if she is capable of comparing the risk/outcome: being stuck in bed (soiled) vs key box robbers ??

But going to try BarbB's approach at today's visit... what a shame you don't have help to get out of bed when you need it. What a shame the Aide can't get in & you will miss your shower, getting dressed/housekeeping/driving to wherever you wanted to go that morning. Wonder what YOU can do about that? If she is stuck for ideas, I'll mention Santa's elves ha ha!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2019
Beatty,

You know what? The damn anxiety drives me absolutely batty! When I read the remark about fearing that someone may break in, geeeeeeez, that is exactly how my mom is! What if? What if? What if? They say this constantly! Fear everything! I feel your pain, honey.

I told her primary doc to give her anxiety meds! Hahaha. She said because of mom’s current meds that mom would have to see a neuropsychologist to make sure the meds did not interfere with each other. She takes Parkinson’s meds and seizure meds.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Another solution to the locked door is to use a digital lock. We put one on mom's front door.

You CAN use a key, but you can also key in a number combination (most use a 5 digit code--we used mom's birthdate). In case of a 911 call, you can give the dispatcher the code for EMS to use--the code can then be changed to something else. It gave us much peace of mind.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

"...Until yesterday I had been considering just nailing that blooming key box on her wall myself! But she is worried it will be broken into & she will be robbed (would be MY fault of course). ..."

If you pick one up and then show it to her - it would be fairly clear that it isn't likely to be "broken into." She may be thinking it is a box of some kind.

As another said, get the kind with a key and a keypad - so the code can be used in emergency and changed later (good for when no key is available at the time of need.)

Last I saw these things (generally used by Real Estate agents when selling a house. You could mention this to mom as well, these are used ALL the time without mishap!), they can be locked over the door handle - you don't have to nail it to the wall....

I would only tell her that a key is used to open it to get the key to the house - leave out the code part, as that will just add to confusion and perhaps increase her anxiety.

Breaking into that would be more difficult than just breaking into/picking her own existing lock - you can tell her that when you show her the lock box and explain it!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If and when she has a medical emergency and is actually in the hospital, that is the time to transition to other housing. She might go from hospital to rehab, then from rehab to memory residence--tell her the memory residence is another step in the rehab process. At the memory residence where my mother is, they are very used to the common situation where the resident doesn't want to be there. They didn't require guardianship documents--they accepted her on the basis of POA and medical records. It is true that legally, they would not be allowed to stop my mother from walking out of the memory residence. But even though my mother's number one goal in life is to leave the memory residence, she can't quite put together how to do that, and she's not violent or aggressive, she's quite passive, so it's easy for the staff to distract and redirect her. In the 3 months she's been there, she has never just called a cab to come get her, even though she has access to telephone and the address of the residence. She's on Wellbutrin 300 mg per day, the only psyche med she takes.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Beatty Aug 2019
Safer environment & settled as she can be - you did good! Many others have got used to the new place in time - hope your Mum does too.

Yes I am waiting for that hospital admit!!! Then me & my point of view decend on the discharge planner & request a social worker, stat. I cannot prevent a solo taxi ride home but certainly won't be the driver/welcome party/enabler. Will make very to her & hospital staff (letter already sent to her Doctor) - I won't be doing any hands-on care, driving, food or medicine deliveries as this just prevents obtaining the proper care & supervised setting she needs.
(2)
Report
Just a quick question here, what is a key lock box? Is it like something real estate agents use? or is it a key pad with a combination? thank you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
NancyInSc Oct 2019
It is what Real Estate agents use. Good to have for allowing workmen into vacant property. Since my Father had rental property, I have several. I keep one on a side door of our home for a spare or if my parents locked themselves out of the house. Great if a key is needed to let emergency staff in without leaving the oldster.
(1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter