I need some perspective on sibling relationships. Any suggestions?

I doubt your sister is unhinged.

You let your sister sacrifice her life and shoulder the burden because you’re a busy person with your life to live. Like she doesn’t have a life she should be living?

There is no easy way to be supportive (I’ll order groceries is farce). The hard part of the care giving is loving someone enough to put your life on hold to live a depressing life while waiting for that loved one to die — and life now includes mental exhaustion from death by a 1000 cuts.

Do you call your mom once a week or month and think that’s enough while the burden of everyday conversations fall on your sister? Do you want to make it your sister’s job to pacify you with sure, life is hunky dory because you made an appointment and offered to hire a stranger your mother might object to?

Creative ideas
1. Call mom every day just to say hi. Reinforce any decisions your sister makes.
2. Hire a housekeeper for your sister. Tell her she deserves to walk into a clean house.
3. Send flowers to your SISTER once a month to brighten her day. Or send a gift certificate for a facial or manicure.
4. Call your sister and tell her “I don’t understand what you’ve been through. I do know you have had the unfair burden. If you need a safe place to vent, I am here for you.” Then just listen.
5. Accept that your sister probably spent 5 years wondering where the hell you’ve been when it came to any substantive help.

This sounds a good deal like the situation between mother an YB, with whom sh lives.

He is completely burned out, his health is worse than hers (he's 58)..we fully expect he will die before she does. He refuses ALL help, keeps mother on a tight leash through fear mongering about how ALL facilities are simply rife with abuse and the elderly are not safe.

He's angry and quick tempered and the rest of us sibs have simply given up trying to make a difference. I visit mom about once a month, and sometimes not even that.

No matter what we've tried to do to help, we all get slapped back. It's a sick and twisted relationship, for sure.

In the end, all I plan to do is to gift my 'inheritance' to him and that's what 2 of the other sibs plan too. It's only going to be about $30K and that won't change his life at all.

I don't get it. I don't understand his desire to keep mother under his thumb, but I have quit trying to be an active part of the caregiving.

As the primary caretaker sibling, I feel for your sister. I ditto the others that asking, versus suggesting, what you can do is the only way to go. I know personally a lot of the things my sibling "suggests" as ways to "help" feel like another job for me. Delivering meals — but does she need to identify the restaurants and tell you what to get? Drivers — who is finding them? That's where my mind goes.

The truth is, what your sister needs and what you think she needs may be two different things — and I suspect that what she needs is more than you can offer, and that's why she's so angry. Ultimately, this may not be a solvable problem.

(oh, and nothing gets my back up like when my sibling tells me they are "worried about me"!! Great. So now I need to manage my reactions to the issues that caregiving create in my life so that I don't cause "worry" and "concern" for others. Fun! Thanks!)

In addition to burn out, the sister may also be overwhelmed. I don't think people quite realize the amount of cognitive energy and labor it takes to be a primary caregiver. When someone is overwhelmed, they don't have the cognitive bandwidth to really think through things because, at that point, they are in survival mode - it's just about getting through the day or the hour. Any form of disruption, no matter how minor, can be extremely distressing, especially, if one's survival is connected, in some way, with routine - sometimes it's the routine that keeps us alive. I say all of this because I'm that kind of person. So, it may be less resentment and more that the sister is in survival mode. If this is the case, any kind of deviation may be challenging since one doesn't have the cognitive bandwidth to see whatever option as a viable option. I also want to point out that it's very easy for folks to say that they are willing to help. It's pretty typical for "help" to come in the form of a platitude that doesn't entirely indicate a true willingness to help and also places further pressure upon an already overwhelmed person to ask for that help, especially if it comes in the form of "Let me know if you need anything, I can help." Personally, when I hear this phrase, it rings empty for me: 1. Saying that one wants to help is entirely different than actually wanting to help. 2. Talking the talking is not the same as walking the walk. I would rather for the person, the one who wants to help, to take action and initiative on their own. If a person wants to help, do it - make it happen without me, an already overwhelmed person, having to take time out of my day to provide direction or guidance.

Here's a different perspective for everyone that is bashing the boots on the ground for 5, five long years of caregiving, sister.

Great, she gets one month a year vacation but, then it's back to 24/7 for the next 11 months. Sounds like a frickin nightmare to me. Anyone that has EVER done the actual hands on care knows it takes days to wind down from it, so there's a week out of the month, then hopefully, siblings aren't calling with any questions, concerns or at all, that's weeks 2 and 3, then vacation is rounding down and your head starts in on all of the issues you are heading home too. That's week four. Then you get to do it all alone for the next 11 months. Lucky you, how could you be so ungrateful for all we have done for you?

Let's see, you are so exhausted all you do day after week after month is put one foot in front of the other, you do everything that needs to be done and usually everything the person you are caring for wants done. You fall into bed and pray they sleep through the night, then you sleep with one eye open because this sh!t is so unpredictable, then you drag yourself out of bed and try to be pleasant so you can take care of everything needed and most of what your loved one wants. Now imagine someone throwing ideas at your sleep deprived, automated brain and saying CHOOSE!

You can't, because you can't think beyond everything that needs to be done, what isn't done and how you just wish someone would do something without looking to you for any part of it. Maybe, just maybe someone else could make a flipping decision and do something to make today easier for you.

She should be ASKED what would help her the most. Then listen to what she has to say. Maybe it's a housekeeper weekly, a home chef, a companion for mom so she doesn't have to be tied to her 24/7 for 11 months or ? But it should be to help her not mom.

It's like when you're pregnant and everyone asks how you are doing, then bam, you have the baby and nobody asks about you anymore, it's ALWAYS how's the baby? Same thing for caregivers, don't believe me? Ask a caregiver, as you look in their eyes, how are you doing? Guaranteed you will get tears, because life is NEVER about them anymore.

So, everyone that is bashing the boots on the ground caregiver, shame on you and may you never be in her shoes.

I just am not getting this, overall.
The Mom is now moving into care, after being cared for by Sister for 5 years. So Mom is getting care, and sister is now free of care. Whatever happened in the last years seems irrelevant to me now, so I am definitely missing something.
I DO think that Sister will have a difficult time adjusting. She has been 5 years 24/7 caregiver, and quite honestly this blurs the boundaries between people. You become almost conjoined like Siamese twins. If you aren't "doing" for the person you are worrying about it.
That one sister decided to do this care for 5 years is her choice, her business, her decision.
That another sister could not do this care for 5 years was HER choice (and would have been mine. My limitations would never allow me to do inhome 24/7 care of ANYONE at all.)
Now that Mom is going into care I don't see this coming as a problem, what can I do for Sister????? I just don't get that. You can only show appreciation, admiration, praise for what she has done, support for her not being able to continue on.
I don't see either sister as "to blame". They made different choices. And the ultimate outcome is what it usually is--eventually most have to place an elder in care. While there are adjustments to be made in the life of one who has been/who decided to be there 24/7 for an elder, most people DO make that adjustment.

Not just burnout but compassion fatigue. Read a little of Dr. Charles Figley for an explanation. One can become so lost that they lose themselves and then lose the ability to reason and function while feeling blind rage. She needs a few sessions or more with a professional who deals in this that is, if she accepts this. Then she needs not to be a caregiver for awhile. Compassion fatigue is beyond burnout. There is no interior source of strength to be able to cope with caregiving at least for awhile even after a month’s vacation. If that means transferring mom to be near one of you so that she’s out of the picture at least for awhile, so be it. Having no personal contact will be necessary unless it’s a visit based on personal choice and ability.
I’ve seen situations for years like this when one sibling does it all for the family system. It rarely works out well. Great and capable people break down when family systems become unbalanced and one member has to over function beyond their capacity.

Compromise and move mom to your home or nearby facility for five years.

You asked for perspective, so here is mine. I am that sister who moved 3,000 miles to help out with Mom. A lot of things went into that decision, especially since my mother and I had never been close. For that matter, I hadn't been close to anyone in the family.

Part of what went into the decision was that I was retiring, my husband had already retired. We were free to do as we pleased and live where we liked.

We had been living our dream in a beach house on the Delaware coast for about 5 years, and loved it, but some of the expenses of living there were higher than we expected. So, part of the decision was that we could live the way we wanted to for about 10 percent less in the area where Mom was located.

Another part of the decision was based on the fact that our beloved beach house was sited on a beautiful half acre, wooded lot--that was about 10 feet above sea level. We were beginning to realize that global weather change was affecting storm severity and sea levels much sooner than we had expected when we bought the place a decade before retiring. Evacuations are highly stressful events. Flooding associated with storms was getting worse, though none had (yet) come within a foot of the ground floor of the house. Fear of a "big one" taking out the house coupled with a growing distaste of evacuations made another reason to consider selling our dream house.

Also, my husband and I had to acknowledge that the dream house of our 50's was not quite what we needed in our retirement. Living in a resort area is really pleasant in the off season but in high tourist season is quite another matter with major congestion, lots of noise, etc. Medical care was sub-optimal. The house had some high maintenance features that were becoming a bit problematic.

In our visits to the West Coast, my husband had fallen in love with the small town area where my Mom and sisters lived. He liked the area and the members of my family that we would be interacting with.

Finally, after years of therapy I had begun making reconciliations with my family. I wanted to really get to know my sisters on a more personal level as adults. Things had not been very good growing up, but we had all changed a lot as we matured. We had visited back and forth a bit and I thought these new relationships were worth pursuing.

So for all these reasons, we put our beloved house on the market and prepared for a massive move. This was such a huge thing that none of my sisters ever asked for it. They were over-worked with care-giving, but they knew that this was too big to ask. I made clear to them that my help would be rather limited. I would run errands and take Mom out for lunch and/or some sightseeing once or twice a week to keep her happy and busy, but I would not physically care for her or for her house. My sisters were thrilled to get even that much help.

The results? Mostly positive. Two of my sisters and I have become friends, when Mom passed we were at peace with each other (though as adult friends of a sort, not as mother-daughter). Do we miss our beach home? Absolutely! We put 15 years of our lives making that home exactly what we wanted, developed neighborhood friendships, loved our morning walks on the beach (off-season, anyway). Not everything is cool between my other two sibs and me, but my husband and I do love our new residence, which is close to reasonably good medical services and has been a nice place to live in during a pandemic.

Would I recommend it? Probably not. The only reason this has been so successful for us is that there were far more personal reasons to relocate than family ones. Even though the impetus for considering the move was to help my exhausted sisters care for Mom, I think that if they had asked us to move for them, we would have resented that pressure, however slight. Moving is a really big deal and really needs to be undertaken primarily for the good of the one(s) moving.

You want some wisdom about families? This quote comes right from the great artist Pablo Piccaso:

"I have joined a family, and like all families, it's full of sh*t"

Why does your mother need so much attention? Your mother doesn't care guys. Take is easy and relax.

I guess I'm not there yet because my MIL is resisting every step we take to try to help her. But OP is asking because she genuinely doesn't know what to do, not because she's trying to avoid taking responsibility. When she lives out of state, that means that all she CAN do is call, check in on things, and offer things that she can think of, not being the one there doing the caregiving. Not everyone who has a full-time job can just retire and move. And getting a new job in a new state when you're probably past 50 yourself is NOT an easy thing to do. So, please be kind. I know this is such a hot-button, triggering topic on this board. But there are no easy answers. I can see that even if I haven't lived it yet. (My FIL passed away March 4, so things are starting to heat up on the MIL care front.)

well - your sister may be playing the martyr, hate to say it! she complains but then rejects help! what you have tried to do is terrific! maybe you could try sending her help by way of a part time nurse, a few hours a day. you can certainly check places on computer near your sister's house. good luck - bc you can't just pick up and leave your jobs, etc. at least you and the rest of family are making an effort. sometimes, when a person is that stubborn you just can't get thru to them.

Instead of telling her all the things you "could" do... why don't you ask her what she needs? It may be completely different from all that stuff you figured out from out-of-state...

Perhaps if you maybe acknowledged her for EVERYTHING she is doing for mom, showed her a bit of empathy, and even threw a genuine and heartfelt "I love you" into the conversation she might open up a bit and tell you how you can make a difference for both of them.

And, I know this may be way out there, but how about sending her a small box of chocolates or some bath beads or some flowers so she can get the feeling that you actually appreciate her??? Sounds to me like she may be doing a thankless job without any thanks.... please fix that if I'm right!

Once your mother is moved into AL your sister's demeanor will likely greatly change.
As crazy as this might sound, your sister literally needs a break from your mother, as in her no longer living in her house.
When people get caregiver burnout, they need this. They need to be away from the person or people they take care of.
I was in homecare for a very long time. Nearly 25 years and most of my cases were elder care. It got to the point where my burnout was so bad that I couldn't stand to be around any elderly people. Even ones who weren't my care clients.
Once your mother gets placed, your sister will change. Then thank her for everything she's done. Thank her for making your life possible. If she didn't move your mother into her home and take up being the caregiver what would you and your out-of-state sibling have done?
Would you both have quit your jobs to take care of mother? Would you have been willing to relocate your lives to accommodate her?
Your sister has made sure no one had to make these decisions. you and your sibling should thank her well and sincerely.
Granted, she sounds like a little bit of a martyr, but caregiving for an elder takes a lot out of a person. Cut your sister a little slack. Once her house becomes her own again, she'll be better.

You are very sweet to try to help her. No doubt she is the oldest and might just feel responsible for taking over the head of house roll. I am the youngest and also burnt out and overwhelmed, but my sister has passed so it falls on my shoulders.
Maybe try helping her with some of her other responsibilities, gets some work off her plate, but in a different way? Or just ask her what you could do to help her help your parent? Maybe start little, like I'm here for an hour, go enjoy a bath? Or here's dinner for all of us tonight. If I had living relatives I think I would love that!!
Its lovely you care and just the fact you asked the question means your heart is in the right place! Tell her you asked and read these answers to her. Who knows, it's a great way to start the conversation and she can agree with or roll her eyes at these answers without it seeming personal towards you.
Good Luck ☺

Your sister maybe rejecting your offers of help b/c what she really needs is to NOT be the hands-on caretaker 24/7/365. Anything short of that is going to seem puny and almost insulting. A temporary break is nice, but she knows she soon has to step right back in.
There is no reason you need to quit your job and move back. You are not there and you are not available. It seems the care taking has become too much and that it is time to find placement in a care facility. If your mother does not have resources enough to cover her own care, you should chip in equally with any other siblings.

Your sister has taken an emotional, physical, mental, social, and financial hit caring for your mom. Generally, caregivers lose 5-7 off their life due to caregiving. Even after placing her in AL, your sister will still be stressed as there are many things to take care of.

To all the people posting, I would love to know if they are a full-time caregiver or not as the comments can be skewed. To all the "martyr" and "you have done everything you can do" are clearly not full-time caregivers! Interesting you are making multiple trips now but not before your mom was being placed. Why is it you do not want to be inconvenienced to lose your life, job and sanity.

What I believe your sister meant was she wanted you to come live her life for a few months being a 24/7 caregiver so you could see how "being in the trenches" feels. Offering groceries, etc only scratches the surface of what needs to be done caring for your mom. Why didn't you take a leave of absence/take time from your job to give her a break? Why is it she is bearing the brunt of caregiving? You would be unhinged in her shoes!

This is coming from a caregiver since 2015 for both of my parents with dementia and my father's death. My sister has never done one thing including coming to my father's funeral. She has been no contact with the family since my father was diagnosed with ALZ in 2015 (father passed in Nov 17) yet in 2020 she accused me of stealing my mother's money. How would she "know" this when she has never been around? Why is it that all the caregiving fell solely on me? While other's situations are different, this is a common theme where one sibling does the caregiving while the other's siblings no have interest (sit back and watch) of giving any of their time to actually care for their parent.

Spuncrack: It is NEVER advisable to quit one's job, such as your sibling is suggesting, to care for a parent, albeit the parent is in managed care.

I am afraid she expects the rest of the family members to drop everything and help on a weekly basis. If you don't live nearby, that is unrealistic.. but that is where she is emotionally.

You might start by working on your relationship with your sister. Ask questions about her: her health, her interests, her goals, her desires and her dreams. Ask what would be "ideal" for her in the situation she currently finds herself. She has probably felt like she is ignored and that mom gets all the attention.

After you focus on her - and her only - offer whatever help you can that she finds helpful. Ask her to make a list of things you can do from where you live and work. Ask the rest of the family to do the same.

We cared for my mother she had parkinsons and was on a feeding tube. She required 24 hour a day care. My sister told me if I would give her $20,000 she would take my mother off my hands. I never asked for any help from her. Now that Mom has passed she is suing us.

I saw an answer from another poster: "What I believe your sister meant was she wanted you to come live her life for a few months being a 24/7 caregiver so you could see how "being in the trenches" feels."

Yeah, the trenches is the hardest you'll ever live through. BUT, having said that, I was willing to take any help I could get. My brother from Texas helped financially and came home twice a year. There were times I wanted to send my Dad out there, but knew realistically that wasn't an option.
I have a friend that each sibling takes Mom for 3 months out of the year. Kind of like rotating. If Mom is going into assisted living, that should at the very least help your sister. God bless you. It's hard on everybody. There are no winners in this game. Just everyone do your best, and try to keep your mother at the center of your attention. When she's gone, you don't want any regrets. Your sister needs some down time. I've been where she is. She does need to be realistic though. :)

I could be the sister. I've taken care of my mom (94 with vascular dementia) since 2009. Out of my five siblings, one sister helped on a regular basis until her husband became ill. I hired a full time caregiver (10-5, 6 days a week), but was still responsible for my mother from 5 p.m. until 10 a.m. the next morning. When I asked my siblings for help/respite I was told it wasn't their responsibility and that they had lives of their own. I have a sister who lives about 2 hours away and only came to "help" about once every six weeks, if then.

So maybe you need to take your vacation and spend it at your sister's house, giving her a break. Give her a gift certificate for self care, such as a mani/pedi, massage, or maybe for a weekend stay at a B&B nearby, while you take care of things at her home. One thing that I would've loved would be to have someone take mom, even for a weekend, so that I could have some time alone in my home with no one to worry about but myself. Maybe during your stay you could look into SNF nearby, contact home health agencies, help fill out paperwork, etc. There are so many little things that need to be taken care of, it's difficult to list them all. Once you do this, you'll have a better understanding of WHY your sister is angry, frustrated, and burned out. Sometimes I found that it was easier just to do it myself than having to put things in order and get things ready for someone else to do the caregiving; it was just one more thing to add to my "to do" list.

I finally realized that my anger/frustration was only hurting ME and not them. So, I changed my mindset and limited my contact with my siblings (I began thinking of myself as an only child). When I did see them, I'd hear "Oh, I appreciate what you do for mom," or "I really want to help but can't because of _________(fill in the blank)." Whatever; I'd just turn and walk away. When my mom fell a few months ago and ended up in the ER, the doc suggested a SNF for "acute rehab," and I agreed. That put my siblings in a tailspin because all of a sudden they were worried about their mother and wanted to know how she was doing. Of course the SNF would not give them any info due to HIPAA laws (as well as my request). Fast forward three months, and mom is in a new SNF and doing well, and my one sister and I are the only ones to visit her. I think that guilt was a huge factor when she fell, and as my other sister put it, "I need to see her before she dies!" (Wth--where did THAT come from??) Whatever.

I'm still trying to get used to not being a caregiver for the first time since 2007 (I also had to take care of my DH until his passing in 2018), and being able to go and do what I want when I want. I go every other day to see my mom, as does my one sister (whose DH has since passed). My mom is happy and at peace, and I know she is well taken care of. I'd been feeling burned out and was researching facilities when she fell, but was having a tough time making the decision to place her; at that point, God stepped in and made that decision for me. I miss having her here with me, but I know it's the best for both of us.

I’m my mother’s fiduciary and healthcare POA. I’ve hired a FT caregiver to live with her in her home. It costs about $83,000 per year. Maybe you and your siblings can divide up the cost of an in home caregiver?

Anything less is not fully appreciating you sister’s time and energy and likely is undervaluing her worth.

Im sorry to say this, but offering to order/pay for groceries is like throwing her a bone to make yourself feel like your doing something.

She is on call 24/7 for the remainder of your mother’s life. Are you? Maybe this is why she’s angry.

I, myself, have 4 siblings who aren’t helping. Two of them live 1 hour from my mom. One lives 3.5 hours. I live 20 hours from my mother.

I have great communication with my moms caregivers and manage her bank accounts and healthcare from my home. I have a son and husband, so I can’t move closer. I visit my mom every 6 mos to check in on her and make sure the house is OK.

But, the hardest thing for me is that, even with a FT caregiver, I am tethered to my mom until she passes away. My siblings do not experience the constant need to be near a phone 24/7 to talk to the caregiver l, order meds, make sure bills and taxes are paid and anything else that comes up daily. Its like having another child.

I suspect that her resentment could lie in the same place as mine. My siblings are living their lives freely while I’m not. When you plan a trip, do you have to limit it in case your mom goes into the hospital? What if she dies and the caregiver needs immediate help? No backpacking for me. I can’t go out of cell phone range. And, keep in mind, I’m not even the front line caregiver. My guess is that you have no idea what your sister is going through.

Your sister is probably stressed out & frustrated. Moving Mom to AL makes her feel guilty, & like she's not a good daughter. It is hard seeing other family members going on with normal life, while she has been under constant stress mentally & physically. Moving to AL doesn't lessen the worry & anxiety for her.
I had a similar situation but I was the caregiver. My siblings constantly criticized and told me "how" Mom was & what she needed, but didn't spend time with her. I harbor a lot of anger & resentment, but am working on it.
If Mom is incontinent, order products on-line & ship to AL. The personal hygiene products along with toilet paper, trash bags, Kleenex, paper towels are not included in AL rent. Take over this responsibility, and cover the costs.
She has did the hard work for years. I'm sure she doesn't expect you to quit your jobs & move, it's more of a wish list. Has anyone else in the family looked into AL near them? Doing the legwork and taking the time to search may go a long way towards goodwill, even though she will probably not want Mom to move. It shows effort.
Good luck

What type of vacation can your sister afford? Hopefully one that is relaxing and enjoyable. If she can't, maybe chip in towards a great vacation.