I'm the primary caregiver for my grandmother age 81. She used to be one of the nicest most positive people I knew. She has since become cold, bitter, mean and just seems to want to die.
It was manageable before I was the caregiver, the voice of reason, and the rock in the family. Every year though she has gotten colder and more depressed. I've grown to resent it and be frustrated. I've been trying to separate myself, but when I'm gone she's so mean to my grandfather and just wallows in her own self-pity and waste. I've tried to get homecare, she sends them away. She only wants me. She's walked out on all her medical appointments and even her hospital stays. She has dementia though refuses to face that conversation. She won't speak to anyone...yet she has me on speed dial and if I don't show she makes me feel guilty. I'm the only one she hasn't driven away. I'm the only one she has left. She won't care for herself, she won't let anyone else do anything. If anything happens I feel guilty, it's my responsibility right?
My own mental health has been suffering and I've started to see a counselor. She wants me to cut her off and step away in care. She's not letting me though. She won't accept any of the resources I've been giving and then basically lets me know if anything happens to her it's on me...but in the same breath saying she wants me to have my own life and go out and be an adult.
My 20's were spent caring for her. Now she has an ostomy and won't do any care for that or let anyone else. So now I'm called constantly for that. I just don't know what to do. I love her dearly... or I loved who she was. I don't want to feel responsible if anything happens though.
I differ in opinion with others in that, since she was formally an awesome person, she is now displaying dementia behaviors. Therefore it’s not that she won’t do things to help herself and see your boundaries — she now can’t.
Who is her PoA? Is it any of her adult children? If so please contact them to hand off Grandmas care. She is at the juncture where someone now has to be able to legally make decisions in her own best interests. And to protect Grampa.
If she doesn’t have a PoA then you step away and keep reporting them to APS. They will start the process of getting her into the appropriate care.
The more you keep propping them up the longer it will take for a long term solution to be put into place. Your Grandma probably now needs meds for depression, which is extremely common for elders. Dementia breaks a person’s brain.
Please watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so you can learn about dementia and understand better what’s going on with your grandparents. I wish you peace in your heart as you love them from a distance, for now.
You don’t say much about your grandfather other than she is mean to him. Can he drive, cook, pay bills? Is his health better than hers? Are there any other family members or family friends or neighbors who can help here figure out how to get them help? This should NOT fall on you. You should be living your own life!!
We have family that will back me up, but she's chased most of them away and they want nothing to do with her care. My family basically has said it's time for her to go into care even though she'll hate it. I just don't know how to initiate any of that.
You say that you are the rock of the family. That isn't right or fair. A person in their 20s doesn't even possess a fully formed cerebral cortex until they are 20. The 20s are the time when you first begin exploration of education, work, family of your own, a future. Isn't a time you should be responsible for someone generations older.
Time to let the family know you are moving out and on. Because guess what, right behind grandmother is the rest of the family just waiting for your services. And there will be no thanks for it. Nor will you even be paid. In fact you have already removed yourself from loving grandson who brings joy to a hated caregiver who brings limitations and who the elder realizes on some level resents her.
It is time now to think this through. Whether it is 3 months from now or whenever it is time to let family know you are moving out.
That would be my advice.
However, you are considered of majority, and will live now, and learn, by your OWN choices, as well as bear responsibility for them.
I am so sorry and I wish you the very best, but people now typically live to 100, often killing off their progeny as they go. Don't let this happen in your family. Your grandmother should be placed in care. I say this as an 82 year old; it would DESTROY me if my children were allowed (and they will NOT be) to waste the best and most free years of their lives, their son raised, on ME. And for that son of theirs to waste his most formative growing years on ME. That simply is NOT RIGHT.
As far as guilt goes, you've been on the hook here long enough, don't you think? Grandma is using FOG tactics, Fear Obligation and Guilt, to keep you from setting down boundaries. Dementia or not, she's a manipulative old woman and playing you like a fiddle. Remove the strings and realize what's happening. When grandma dies, or falls, or gets sick, it's not because you caused it, but because she's old and suffering from, dementia which you have no power to stop.
You've done enough, my friend. Move on with your life now and allow grandma to seek help from others.
Best of luck to you.
You are NOT her plan ABCDEFGH.
walk away, tough tooties if she has a senior brat tantrum.
Are you working, do you live with your grandparents?
Grandma, sounds like there is definitely some dementia going on, probably why she won't go to the doctors.
Your young , you should be enjoying your life, and making a life , building your future, not stuck, full time caregiving
For one, try not to be angry at Grandma and the changes in her, this doesn't sound like the person she really is. Her brain is broke and she is scared and probably had pain.
Next you have to figure out a way to get your life back. Ask yourself , How much is any caregiving do you want to do , there is no right or wrong answer here. Then you have to figure out a way to archive that.
Can grandma go into a facility, do they own there home so it can be sold to pay for a nice place for both of them?
Stop worrying about what Grandma says, she is going to yell and be difficult, just remember it's the deaseas talking not the grandma you knew and loved
Often grief feels like guilt, you are grieving the person you use to know.