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SummerHarvest,
You are making perfect sense.

If your husband can't come to terms with common sense, just say:
"How can you be happy changing your own mother's diapers?"
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Why is he going to visit her so often without you anyway? He's already participating in a triangle that supports mother's wishes. Sounds like he is very afraid to disagree with his mother. I also wonder how long she has been there - and it is often important to give the situation a real chance, not to have family visitors who even seem open to them "returning" home - it has to be a real trial, say for a month or two at least, some period where the elder is making efforts to make a new situation work. I wonder how the decision was made for her to go to that facility? And have you and he shared your concerns with the leadership in that facility, to get their input on how mother does at times when he is not there? It is not always possible to fully convince and elder that there were important reasons why her safety was at risk at home - they forget, minimize, assume things will run as they had in the past.

What is best is to visit with affirmation and joy, and say when leaving, I'm so glad to see you, I'll be back next Tuesday, big hug, and leave. If they say they want to go home, say, I know, I wish it could be, but we are hoping you will find this a good solution that gives you the help you need now. I love you, see you soon, bye.

I love Katiekate's solution: tell him you will agree when he sets up arrangements for a part time job, and you each agree which days of care belong to each person.

I find it very frustrating to deal with people who get strong opinions based on one piece of a complex situation. All we can do is say, I agree with those concerns, and I think we need to agree based on the whole picture, not rush to accommodate wishes of someone who forgets the hard times she had before - OR - if his mother wants to go home, then tell her she can do so only when a plan is in place to pay for at home caregivers, on a regular basis - not you and your wife. For at home, with impaired abilities, she will be lonely and have many needs, which grow with time. Best to try, after her adjustment, to enjoy some of her hobbies at the facility - like set up easy carry boxes, attractive covers - with items for her hobbies. Also, check out the hobbies in the facility, and see where some of their setups might help her do her hobbies easily - like do they have a room with a long table and good light, where she could make her scrapbook, do they have activities to develop some people's interests?
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It IS a bad idea! She will grow to accept the facility where she lives, probably after another month or two. It is ridiculous to uproot your family home to accommodate someone who will only get worse as time goes by. Once she starts wandering, which could be soon, you can't even take a shower or use the restroom without worrying about what she is doing. It could also be physically dangerous for your child. Your husband maybe should visit his mom less frequently, as that would help her to adapt, and force her to develop a social life where she lives now.
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Don't do it! The older your child grows the more work homeschooling becomes as the curricula become more complicated—taking more time to plan. On top of that, your child will probably want more and more outside activities in middle school (most of our homeschool friends who have older kids encounter this)—and those can be harder to find and take more time to commute to as a lot of homeschoolers return to school in the late elementary school years (though there has been a boom of all ages because of Common Core and No Child Left Behind). 

You do *not* want another full time+ job—and that's what being a caretaker is. You will not be able to homeschool nor caretake well having to do both at once. It's too much. Your husband has no business expecting you to be the full-time caretaker for his mother—especially when you are already working full-time educating your child. Though even if  you weren't, he still shouldn't expect it. Most people are not emotionally or physically equipped to be a caretaker for another adult. That's a very personal choice and no one should be judged either way. 

Homeschooling aside, moving in with your MIL has the potential to be emotionally damaging to your child. No child deserves that. And then your mom is ill on top of this? You have way too many obligations—and you need time to for self care somewhere in all that as a lot of this can be very emotionally exhausting. 

Your husband is either exhausted and not thinking straight (which is most likely from the sounds of it) or incredibly selfish to expect this. I agree with others who said it may work well if he cuts down the visits for his sanity and to encourage his mother to settle in more on her own. 

Please speak up. If it is hard to find the courage to do for yourself, do it for your child and mother.
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You sit him down and tell him. Write everything out on a Pro & Con sheet if you need him to see it in writing.

Your life will end if you do this - everything will be about 'Mom' and you will come last.
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Don't do it. It will ruin your kids lives. You are responsible for your kids first.
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It's a shame you can't sit both MIL and hubby down and do your talk in a kind and straightforward manner and let the chips fall where they may. If she moves in, you'll have four unhappy people on your hands. MIL will be fine in AL. Your hubby and child deserve your attention.
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summer, I hope you have all the input here you need! I've noticed how many folks have said on other threads that the child should reduce the frequency of visits to help with this. It won't make sense to him, but you can find plenty of supporting evidence. Like others, I note that the 'we' of taking her in is really going to be 'you.' So stay clear on that and be strong. I'm so sorry your mom is ill, I hope she will have a successful treatment. 🍀
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Oh good heavens NO. What everyone above said & all the other posts in this forum saying the same thing -- heck no. 4 years ago we offered for my ailing in-laws to move in with us & thankfully they declined. 3 years ago we had my mom with dementia move in with us. She is only 1 and a million times sweeter and more agreeable than either of my in-laws....and it was a disaster. Lasted 2 months & we realized we weren't capable of meeting her needs. Moved her to AL where she finally adjusted. Now in-laws want to take us up on our offer and we have adamantly said no.
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Please do not do it.
It will ruin your marriage and you.
Your mother in law will adapt to the nursing home.
Take care of your child first .
My husband ask me to bring his mother to live with us
When I said okay only if he quit his job and stayed home to
care for her it was a different story.
He placed her in a nursing home.
Good luck
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You already know that this will not work - so don't let him persuade you to try it etc. Your MIL is only going to get worse and end up right back where she is now, or in a SNF. Why not keep her where she will end up anyway - but help her to adjust? You are not a one - person assisted living. You must be direct to husband - you guys are not abandoning her, you will visit, see that her needs are met, but at the same time making sure you and your son's needs are met too for schooling. He might think you do not care - you can tell him how you BOTH can care for her but not be hands on in-home care.

I'm starting down the same road myself - my husband's parents sprung on us that they want us to live together - me saying "over my dead body" and my husband wanting us to try. Be direct, be strong - otherwise in a few months we'll be reading your posts about how angry, ill, stressed, and resentful you are.
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What your husband really means is that your family move in with his mother so YOU can be free full time caregiver.

Tell your husband he will have to FIRST change to a part time job and then you will make a written agreement as yo exactly which days are HIS and which are YOURS. Make very certain he has the time to honor his part of this labor division...or he will weasel out of it. He doesn't like spending time with her...he wants to dump that on you. Don't let him. Bet he changes his tune in a hurry when he has to FIRST lose his job to be available to her

You are not responsible for her happiness. Do not do this. No one will be happy. And, finally....she is only going to keep getting worse.
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All of the above. Do not bring her into your home.
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Listen to your gut. Don't do it. You're concerned about cooking for another person? What happens when you're in the middle of one of your son's school lessons and your mother-in-law becomes agitated and angry and nasty and it takes 2 hours of various tactics to calm her down?

Your husband may think it's the perfect solution since you're home already during the day but who's going to get up with mother-in-law when she awakens at 12:30 a.m. searching for the antique sugar bowl she received on her wedding day?

When the time comes who will be the one who bathes and cleans your mother-in-law?

What will you do after you've been caring for your mother-in-law for 2 years and the resentment and anger and guilt and exhaustion are tearing your marriage apart?

This is more than you can handle. I know your husband is feeling guilty about his mom being in a facility but when people have dementia that's where they usually need to be. I don't know how long she's been there but it can take months and months for someone to get acclimated. Believe me, if he pulls her out now 1.) there will be no going back. Ever. 2.) It will be the beginning of the end of your life as you know it.
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My dear, what CM said above.

DH needs to understand that he cannot make his mother happy (one cannot MAKE anyone else happy!).

His and your energies would be best spent getting her to a mental health professional, perhaps a geriatric psychiatrist; it sounds as though there are underlying issues of long-standing. They might be ameliorated with meds, maybe not, but certainly worth a look.

Ask DH to talk to the social worker or other advisor at the facility. Is his mom happy when he's not there? Many elders are actually perfectly content in their new lives, but harp on their adult children when they come.

When my mom moved to Independent Living, she would call us to complain about one thing or the other. Our response was "mom, you have staff to take care of that" (ants in the kitchen, broken light bulbs, etc).

"Oh, but I don't want to be a complainer".

"Mom, for $5000 a month, they d@mn well better do what they're supposed to". THAT got her attention!
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As you say, "I don't want him to think I don't care. I do care, but I think we need to be realistic about what we can handle, and I think this is more than we can handle."

You don't know how to tell him? "Darling husband. I don't want you to think I don't care. I do care, but I think we need to be realistic about what we can handle, and I think this is more than we can handle." You can then add the list of reasons: homeschooling, existing difficulties to be accommodated, the need for you to be absent regularly which can only increase, alas, and the fact that your MIL's own care needs also will necessarily increase.

You're right. It's a difficult conversation, but don't be in any doubt that you are correct in your assessment. I'm sorry DH is sad and stressed, but bringing MIL home is not the solution.
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You are right on target.

I would only add that it sounds like he's emotionally enmeshed with his mother and needs some healthy boundaries with her. He needs to realize that by moving into her house, he will be seen as being her little boy once again and will be treated as such by her. That will set up an emotional triangle in which he is caught in the middle trying to keep two women happy which want work. What I am saying is that he needs to put his marriage first, his job second and his mom third for she is being cared for at an assisted living. 

Also, this running back home every time she complains is a war trying to make her happy that he is not going to win. We can't make others happy. That is something she must find herself. I am sure a lot of people in assisted living places would like to go home, but many of them realize that this is not possible anymore for various reasons and reasoning is something that just can't be done with someone who has dementia so give it up and try distracting the conversation to something else. 

I think you two need to be somewhere without distraction from other family members and have a very important heart to heart talk. You may want to begin by empathizing with his concerns about his mom and how hard this must be on him, and then bring up your concerns in light of how you see the bigger picture which you don't feel that his over focus on his mom sees. The less you can sound like you are attacking him, the better this should go. He needs to hear and understand your concerns.

I hope this helps.
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I am sure your husband is worn out and looking for a way out. It may seem to him that it will be easier if he isn't running to her house, but it will not. It is also hard to listen to the complaints. I don't know how long your mother in law has been in her new place, but it takes time to adjust. My mother took months. If she has dementia, it will not get easier no matter where she is. I suggest your husband cut back on his visits so she starts turning to other people and activities in Assisted Living. Right now, harrassing him is her entertainment. Set up certain days and don't leap to instantly get what she asks for. For some time, I only visited my mother with another person because she behaved better.
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You have very good points, and as a full-time caregiver to my Husband (with dementia) and my Father, I support your conclusion 100%. Never do anything that will put your marriage or family at risk.
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