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I literally cannot find myself anymore. I cannot think of my own life without mom's needs and life coming up huge and foremost in my mind, body and soul. I don't know where her life of suffering ends (she is 80) and the life I want to create for myself begins or get to be recreated at age 60?
How can I remove myself from mom's mental decline...progressively getting worse, and she's so mean and does not seem to appreciate the help I try to give her. I want to run away...or at least go somewhere where I can find own self. I'm single so I don't have anyone to bounce my deepest struggles off.
She has 3 other adult children who also try to help...so not asking what they can, cannot or should do...
I'm writing for me...I feel like I am focused so much more on her than my own life and I cannot seem to ESCAPE, nor just get my own life in order. We cannot afford 24/7 care... nor does she quite need that yet....
I know this is not much detail, but basically I feel like I have lost myself in caring for the painful miserable life of my mother (she ia widow living alone). And I need some tools, tips or strategies on how to stay whole and not enmeshing my life into her ungrateful misery. I don't mind helping a little but it's my internal emotions that are not free.
Are there support groups that might help...I just need a life, a different focus...time away...therapy? drugs? (jk...a little) something...but I'm not sure what I need to do for myself as I see that she is declining further into mental hell.

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None of what you describe is healthy, not only for you, but for mom. You’re both too isolated, mom needs to soon learn to accept help from others. You desperately need to reclaim your life. Think about what goals you might have, places you’d like to see, things you want to experience….time is ticking on all that. See a counselor to learn to reset and move forward. Learn that you don’t need to obsess or always be the answer. Accept other solutions, even less than perfect ones. I wish you courage to change this
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Please try therapy. I recommend DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) where you will focus on your values, your wants and needs, and how to set boundaries. (But you may also get some supportive and exploratory therapy mixed in around your overall relationship).

There is one exercise in DBT called “check the facts” meaning does your emotional response fit the actual situation? Are your emotions justified by reality, or influenced by assumptions and/or distorted thinking?

Example of potential distorted thinking — “I am the only person who can care for mom. If she isn’t happy, I can’t be happy. If she isn’t happy, it is my fault and my responsibility to fix it. I don’t deserve love, happiness, or relaxation unless she approves of me.”
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Reply to Suzy23
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Your mother should not be living alone with dementia. If she were to sell her home and be placed in Memory Care Assisted Living, that would allow you more freedom to focus on your own life. There's still plenty to do for her in managed care, but some of the fears are alleviated for you when eyes are on her and care is available 24/7. Hopefully you have POA to make decisions for her.

Otherwise, set boundaries and a schedule of what you'll do for her and when. Knowing ahead of time what's expected of you makes the burden a bit lighter. How you can stop dwelling on your mother would be best facilitated, imo, by placing her and or by formal counseling.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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If Mom can't afford care, apply for Medicaid. Have her evaluated for 24/7 care. My Mom was 88 when she entered care and all that was wrong with her was Dementia and needing help with ADLs.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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MG8522 asked if someone is her PoA -- and this is important information because this will determine what options there actually are for a best *sustainable* solution.

Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms. If it doesn't, then burnout will follow. You and your siblings are at the beginning of orbiting around your Mom and it will only increase and worsen unless you are all willing to accept certain realities and solutions.

Your Mom would probably benefit from meds for her mood. This is very common in elders since cognitive decline robs seniors of their ability to work from reason and logic; it robs them of their ability to have empathy for others; it robs them of their short-term memory; and it keeps robbing them. But it doesn't need to also rob you.

You are not obligated to provide her daily hands-on care. There are other options, like a good, reputable care facility (where she won't be isolated) or hired in-home aids. Even if your siblings don't like this solution, you get to choose how much or little you participate, or at all.

More information from you would be helpful.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You can free yourself, and you should. You deserve so much better.

With more details, we can offer more suggestions.

Has your mother always been mean, or is this a new development? Does she have a diagnosis of cognitive decline, or are her issues physical decline, or a combination? Does the "mental hell" mean dementia, or is she just an unpleasant personality?

What is her financial situation? Since she lives alone, does she have a house that she owns, or is she in an apartment? Does someone have her POA, and if so, has it been activated?

You can fully put any boundary into place that you want. If she pesters you on the phone, you can let calls go to voicemail, or block her number. If she expects you to come over, you don't have to. If she wants you to take her places, you can tell her to make other arrangements. No is a complete sentence. If she's an incessant complainer, you can refuse to listen.

Also, when you say WE cannot afford 24/7 care, you should not be using your own money to support her -- none of you. Your mother's needs should come from her money, and if she doesn't have enough, that's something for Adult Protective Services or Medicare or Medicaid to take up, depending on the details.

Please let us help you by giving us some more details. And also, consider getting therapy to help you cope and to see how to create the better future that you deserve. You don't have to consider it a joke, if you need it. Likewise, some medication to calm your anxiety might be worth looking into.
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Reply to MG8522
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