How do we convince mom to get rid of belongings?

I'm living with a daughter with some stuff there, some at her sister's, some at her brother's. I joke sometimes about going to visit my stuff that they are using. I also have a business and some space there that is more stuff from my house that I sold three years ago after 40 years. (That was 2 dumpster loads, a yard sale, a thrift store that will come in and take everything you have left over, and a storage pod we used a couple of years to work through as well as the stuff we still have around.)
Yesterday when I got home, my daughter told me about a friend of hers whose father, who had been living alone in a small apartment for several years, had recently had to be hospitalized and moved into AL. Apparently his family had not been to his apt recently and they found it was completely full of stuff he had acquired, lots of electronic and engineering equipment that he had collected, repaired and carefully packed and stored; almost like a museum of technology, often multiple similar items. We now have some of it in our garage, as my daughter does a lot of ebay selling. And they found out that his brother's place is similar!
My dad stayed in our old house after Mom passed and I got married, and he was only sick a short time before he died. My brothers and I went through quite a bit that summer, and then I closed up the house for a little over a year before we could get back, clear it out and sell it. We stayed there six weeks and did a house sale, packed up the biggest u-haul they had, and the buyers said we could leave anything we needed to. We moved some of the stuff a couple of times and I still have some things in boxes after two moves myself. The world is full of stuff!!

You do understand, that doing this forces her to accept her death. Sure not easy if she still has her mind. You almost have to sit with her and show her the things and let her talk about what they mean to her. Then, you can decide which to clear out and which have special meaning.

Good idea to give her more time to acclimate to her new space.
I might have missed this:
(1) what is the cognitive functioning of your mom? What will she be able to recall/remember?
(2) Does she have the financial ability to pay for storage unit herself?
(3) who or what is in the house; it is getting readied for sale and/or why is she 'keeping the house" - does the house eventually belong to the family/you - wherein she has a place to keep things vs renting a storage unit?
(4) For my client, when getting her house readied for sale, I took just about everything to the Good Will/Salv Army or tossed out. Books to library (?). Hazardous waste type things went to specific entity managing disposal.

I had to read this for myself. While not a hoarder at all, I live in a small space.
Letting go of things often feels like letting go of my life, which it is - a trail, a history of who I was and perhaps am not (so much) any more... and then there are the WHAT IFS . . . I want to do watercolor painting again . . . (keep these expensive top-of-the line paints). I love my juicer and may want at a later time... keep it and it goes on and on.

Just started doing exactly this yesterday! Mom has been living out of state with my brother for almost a year now. She went there because she had been in and out of hospitals and nursing homes 6 times in 7 months last year. She has a 3 story house and could not take care of herself by herself there anymore, even with caregivers coming every day. Doctors, therapists, etc., would not release her the last time to go back to that house, but she fought going into AL (my house is actually worse than hers and we really don't have room for her without major renovations!) even when they were going to give her a month free to try it out. So my brother stepped in and took her to live with him 3000 miles away. We told her we wouldn't sell her house right away, trying to give her the chance to say "OK", but now almost a year later, I decided it is time since I am the one who is stuck maintaining it. We live in a cold weather state, so this winter has been filled with worry about burst pipes, roofs caving in from heavy snow, etc. I live an hour away and cannot just simply run down there all the time to check on things. The last straw was when we received an almost $600 water bill, when no one is living there! We had to drop everything to run down to find out that, thankfully, it was only a toilet that hadn't "shut off" properly the last time it was flushed. My husband was fully expecting to walk into 3 feet of water in the basement based on the water usage showing on the bill! Anyway, I contacted my brother and said it is time to sell as I'm not going to go thru another winter worrying about this property! Additionally, mom will lose her senior freeze exemption in our state since she won't be considered a resident anymore.....so more money going out the door for taxes! Plus the utilities, lawn and snow maintenance, etc.....silly silly silly! Anyway, I started with cleaning out all the clothing and bedding/blankets/towels. I figured if she hasn't missed it in almost a year, she has either replaced it or doesn't want it. Plus, most of her stuff was junk anyway! We donated as much as we could, took some to an animal rescue and threw out what was really "rags." I kept a few things I think she would like and will send to her eventually. Next I will work on all the toiletries and cleaning supplies and kitchen ware....pots/pans, dishes, etc. Chuck what is old and not useable, donating the rest to Goodwill, Salvation Army, etc. We have put it out to our family and friends that certain furniture is available for the taking. Three pieces have already been spoken for! What doesn't get taken we will again donate. I even found that a local nursing home will take some of her nice blankets and crocheted afghans! I was even happy about that! My plan is to try to go to her house once a week for the next couple of months and slowly clean things out. I've told my brother this is what is happening and he is ok with it. We both agree that mom isn't going back to this house, ever, but I think it will actually be easier for her to accept if the house isn't there for her to go back to! It may sound harsh, but it's kind of liking ripping the bandaid off the wound. I'm not really going to tell her week by week what I have done, because I feel that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. As time goes on, she will miss her "stuff" less and less, so no need to keep reminding her about it, when there really isn't anything she can do about it. And yes, I have to do this on my timeframe, too. I still work and have my own household to take care of. Right now I have time to take care of all of this, and have also prepared myself mentally to do it. If anyone thinks it's easy to start cleaning out a parents house without any mental preparation, I'd like to meet them. I look around and see things from my childhood, even though I haven't lived there for over 30 years, and see memories and ghosts every time I go there. So to just wait until mom is ready to move on then expect me to jump into gear and take care of it all then is not realistic. I am the one having to look at everything again, and decide what to do with it. She never will have to do that and her memories are in her head....where they belong. Anyway, good luck! It's definitely not an easy process but you will get through it....and so will your parent.

Why are you selling the house and giveing away her things ? Is there a will to contend with that you might be giving things away that are supposed to go to someone else ? We're going through the same thing the MIL and FIL were put in a nursing home and there things were removed the MIL asks for things to be brought, and both want to go home for a visit its a mess, the family is fighting over things they all want, There are going to be some final bills to pay etc. They were ok with giveing some furniture away but I am really not sure of the legality of selling or giveing away the things before theres an estate opend and closed. and any madacaid or medacare is satisfied. my advice is dont push it let her keep her stuff as long as she wants unless she gets worse or needs the money. then it might be the right time to talk about it and give her a reason to part with her things.

I am looking at my own clutter and have found that Assisted Living facilities love getting books, magazines, etc. I even donated a book shelf. For their Bingo/game gifts, I donated costume jewelry and odds/ends that might be useful for a resident. They might like art supplies mentioned in previous postings, for their crafting classes?

Dear One,
Our local library has a “free” bookcase inside the entry. Books and magazines fly off the shelves. People going on vacation in campers and motor homes love to pick up materials for leisure reading. Others who don’t have a library card stop in as well. People in our area also have decorated “help yourself” boxes out in front of their homes. Goodwill and veterans organizations in both states where I have lived will take books. There is an organization that takes only books to recycle to disabled people (check online). Good luck. Much love

My parent has dementia and has moved out of her home to an ALF with memory care. She has never been able to return to her home and after three years we sold it. I have to say I fully respected her very well organized stashes of collections and keepsakes. In this adventure into the unknown territory of Dementia I HAVE BEEN VERY GRATEFUL that I sifted through everything carefully. What you think is an old card turns out is a message from a long time ago friend. As mom's memory goes back into time I have brought things like this to her. It is her new reality, though years past in time, she relives the friendship as if the person is still with us. She may not remember that person died, yet she smiles that the person "took the time" to send a birthday or Christmas greeting that day - her new time orientation. Moments like these have brought joy and conversation - validating her here "now". The past is the present now and I bring something from her "past" each time I visit her. That is her "present time" and it has been a gift to figure out that things of the past are her current "present" time orientation. I say, sort through everything - her sentimental collections meant something when she first kept them AND now they bring joy in the midst of this long goodbye. Grief yes but the blessings of the past revisited and "remembered".

I started with things I could throw away, recycle, or are broken. That was enough to keep me busy for a while. Then moved on to clothes and shoes. A 40-year collection!
HA

We are going thru a similar situation with my MIL. Putting myself in her shoes, I truly understand her reluctance to get rid of items. Especially her craft stuff that she thinks she will start up with again. Convinced my husband that we should pack it all up in bins & store in our now-cleared out shed. There are many other collections in her home that we will do the same with. Luckily, we do have the space for it to be stored, so what's the harm in waiting? I view it all as part of the grieving process of letting go of her many many things. Heck, I myself have been struggling with the same thing as I declutter my own items. Oh, and MIL's house either has to be rented or sold, as she no longer can afford the payments on it since FIL passed a few months back. More grieving.

My mom had dementia and we moved her in with us. We arranged our furniture with many of her pieces in the same layout. She said "That's not my stuff". So we had it easy. My MIL saved every cool whip tub and plastic bag and everything. We couldn't "off" anything. We finally said "So what, It doesn't matter if we get rid of (sell, donate, trash) her stuff after she is gone. What's the big hurry? " So when it was time, we just went through it in a relaxed frame of mind. Who says everything has to go ASAP anyway?
A side note: A friend was cleaning out her closet and tossed many old items, including some 70's disco boots. After the trash truck left, she asked her husband whatever happened to her diamond wedding ring set from her first marriage (RIP)? He told her she wrapped it in tissue and hid it in the toe of her old disco boot! Check everything

During the time that my dad went to AL and we were still trying to figure out what to do with all his stuff there was a serious plumbing leak that destroyed most everything. You are doing the right thing if you box up those items that mean the most to your mom and put them in a secure place. We didn’t get a chance to do that, but fortunately most of the family photos were saved.

We stored the best linens, the collectibles, the best clothing and shoes, all of the non upholstered furniture. Books, household items and gadgets went to charity. We tried to involve mom but after a time we just finished it. To our advantage mice had gotten into the kitchen cupboards. Her hatred of all things dirty allowed het to say "get rid of it!" The house was a hot button issue, but she actually seemed relieved once it was gone.

Do you not have any sympathy to spare for a daughter who has a pretty major project on her hands, who would like to be getting on with it, and who can't even make a proper start on it because of her respect for her mother's sentiments? It must be extremely frustrating.

And, since the OP also states that the house will have to be either rented out or sold, then yes I think we can assume that in due course the income or capital will be needed to pay the mother's ALF.

It is the mother's house, they are the mother's belongings, it is important to respect the mother's feelings. But don't get snippy with people who raise an issue, and dismiss it as though there isn't a problem.

I am a librarian so here's a professional opinion on books: do not try to donate all of them! No one else wants the old finance books or novels from the 40's. Or things marked up with notes or highlighter. Ask a used bookstore or local library what they are looking for before you bring anything in - and ask what they recommend you do with stuff they don't want. Every community has different resources. But throwing away unwanted books is not a sacrilege! I weed out my own and have been ruthless in looking at my dad's collection. Most if it was tossed with no regrets. He doesn't know what's gone, but he didn't know what was there, either.

 Is it "her" house?" Are they "her" things? Are you afraid there won't be enough time to get rid of her things when she is gone? 4 months? What is your hurry? Are you having to pay for her home or her assisted living accommodations?
I understand that this is supposed to be a compassionate site.
If it is her home, if she has the income to pay for it then leave her things alone until she decides what she wants to do with them.

Books can go to Goodwill along with some appliances, dish ware,
Etc that she will never need or likely ask after in AL. Call church and they may have a thrift store or be resettling immigrant families and can use much of the furniture. Agree with others on selected keepsakes you keep or divide with siblings.

I cleaned out moms house in a week with a big dumpster. I had no time for yard sales etc. I put a lot out on curb and many neighbors and passerby’s stopped “to ask after mom” — then her furnishings. I told them if they could haul by end of week they could have. One lovely family was helping their son set up household and they cleaned my house the last day in exchange! One mowed. So nice to have it all over with in a matter of a week and on the market for sale.

Some questioned why I did what I did, but honestly—it gave me comfort to know the furnishings, prints, lamps, etc went to good homes where families will gather around the dining room table again, kids will be sitting at their new desks, someone crafty will repurpose and adorn an old dresser, etc.

Don’t think of it as disposal-but of giving new life and new memories.

Since she likes to give to charities, the blankets, towels, comforters, and cleaning supplies like old bottles of chlorox, laundry soap etc can all go to the local humane association or animal shelter. She might like that.

Thank you everyone for the good suggestions. I will keep discussing this with her and I'll begin boxing up a sampling of her craft supplies and most of her jewelry for storage. She likes to give to charities so that's where books will go. She still needs more time to come to grips with renting the house, so I will wait until she's ready.

I have a Red Cross bookshop just down the road from me. Soon after I moved in I trotted round there confidently with two big bags of choice books to donate. The look of dismay on the shop assistants' faces when I walked in...

You literally can't give them away.

Mother had so much junk...true, honest junk. And she gets more everyday.

And everything has "value" to her, so throwing anything away is pointless. At this stage, we sometimes can get her to box up a certain amount of junk, label the box and put it in the basement in storage. Absolutely nothing of value.

It's not worth the headaches/heartache of watching her dither and fuss over a card or a piece of mail--she literally came unglued when I gave a plastic frog to GoodWill. She went out to the box I'd put it in and scrabbled through it to retrieve the nasty thing.

Choose your battles. It seems inevitable that you'll toss a piece of junk jewelry or a mug and the next thing you know, she's wanting it back. She had a commercial grade meat slicer that went when she moved from the "family house" to her apartment and she honestly mourns that thing. It weighed about 20 lbs and was huge, but she remembered she owned it and wanted it back.

Now we just placate her and try to keep open walkways in her place. Not worth the battles and anger afterwards. She is content to know that a lot of her stuff is "safe" in the crawlspace under the house.

Mother notices if she doesn't have 20 boxes of Kleenex. No way could we remove a dresser or chair she doesn't use so she could have more space.

I "deep cleaned" ONCE in the 21 years she's been in her current apartment, She has never forgiven me, not forgotten a single thing I threw away. (ALL with her permission). Not worth the hassle.

We did a big clean-out, throwing out all the obvious trash, things Mom wouldn't use or miss, etc.

Everything else went into a storage unit. Every once in a while she will ask about something, and finds it comforting to know it is still there in the storage unit. We actually can't easily get to anything. We had it professionally packed in boxes, and those boxes are stacked high and deep in the unit so we can only get at what is in front. But at least she knows it is there.

Dear tossit,

I hear your struggle. I think the suggestion of a storage locker might be best. When my grandmother moved into assisted living, we left everything as is till her passing.

I think its an uphill battle to convince an elderly person to let go of anything. They have worked hard their whole lives for these items. My grandparents and parents grew up very poor and it was hard for them to want to let go of anything. I made the mistake of decluttering and cleaning up like a mad person. It only caused them more stress. In hindsight, I think I should have left well enough alone if possible till they passed. I know everyone is different and finding the right balance seems almost impossible sometimes.

Countrymouse,

I have to comment on "Are Books a Problem?" I admit to being an avid reader and keeper of books. I could fill an Ikea Billy bookcase with novels, then there are the craft books, cook books and others. I gave away over 100 books last year.

For places to donate books, here there are several organizations that do big books sales as fundraisers at different times of the year. I give to them.

I probably have 20 books on my desk as I type this.

In my will, all my sewing, quilting and craft books/magazines, will go to the quilt guilds. My kids get first dibs on my cookbooks (favourite recipes), then the rest, plus all the novels and nonfiction will be donated to the next book sale.

I have 3 heirloom books that I would like to pass on to the next generation. If they do not want to keep them, that is ok.

My dad is a book hoarder. He has floor to ceiling bookcases two deep and 15 feet wide full of gardening and finance books. The gardening books would be easy to donate, but most the finance ones are out of date and of no interest to anyone. Likely we will rent a community hall and have a big book plus 'treasures' sale. The property is such that holding a garage sale is not possible (very limited access, no turnaround space).

Don't do what I did, and get into arguments, and try to reason with her. Phewf! I can still hear myself... what an idiot...

Her jewellery you should box up safely and keep at your home (assuming your home is sufficiently secure). In due course, as time goes on, suggesting she might like to make gifts of pieces she doesn't wear is a good idea: granddaughters and DILs and nieces get very special birthday and Christmas presents, and your mother has the pleasure of being thanked in person and not just in memoriam.

Are books a problem? Don't know what you do about books. I'm still working on that one, and my mother died coming up for three years ago (unbelievably). The awful thing about them is finding good homes, it's a real struggle; and throwing them away - yikes. Can't do it.

Clothes: we had endless battles. Then suddenly mother lost interest. Wearable items went to charity, ragged items to textile recycling; and I had no idea what we were ever arguing about. It was like a tug of war where one team just let go of the rope.

You can safely work on the "if she hasn't named it, she'll never want it" principle. I could quietly have stowed all of the disputed items away, dealt with them a few weeks later, and she'd never have noticed. My mistake was to think she ought to be involved in the selection.

Craft supplies: you only need to keep "old faithfuls" - for example, pinking shears that fit her hand perfectly; thimbles somebody gave her that she uses all the time; a pincushion she made herself in grade school; anything that looks as if it was in constant use. Stashes of part-used yarns or embroidery threads or fabrics or other materials; or anything that you can easily and cheaply replace should she ever need it - they can go. Half the fun is choosing materials for projects, anyway.

With *anything*, actually, you can make a certain amount of progress by boxing things up in categories, throwing out whatever is unusable by anybody, stacking it neatly and then just waiting and seeing.

Genuine treasures that don't take up too much space - do you have a nice chest or blanket box that you could store them in?

And on a philosophical note, the very worst that can happen is that you might find yourself in disgrace temporarily. After all, if push came to shove, assuming you haven't done something daft like auction off her great-grandmother's Crown Derby, and she really wanted or needed something you've sold or given away, you could always buy her a new one, couldn't you? They're only things.

Tossi, I found this link that will be helpful, too. https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/how-to-get-your-parents-to-downsize-195854.htm

I packed up all moms craft and hobby supplies into plastic bins and put them in my basement just in case she asked for stuff. Same with the sentimental mementoes that she didn’t bring with her. At least it was organized for the garage sale. Got rid of all the clothes she didn’t need, and got rid of all old bedding and towels and started her off on all new stuff. She never missed anything.

Would it be possible to rent a small storage locker for the things mom really wants to keep? I am not terribly attached to every single item in my home but there are some things that are heirlooms and other things that have value only to me that I don’t want my kids to toss out. If you stored her things for her, you could move ahead with the sale/rental of the house.

Four months is not a terribly long time to become accustomed to her new living arrangements. She has no memories at the AL like she has in her home. Don’t rush her to accept her new living arrangements. Tell her that whomever you rent or sell to at some point will absolutely have to be in love with her house and promise to take the best care of it ever.