She has been in Assisted Living for 4 months now. Her five bedroom house is still full of many of her personal belongings. Family members have taken some furniture and she's fine with that but there is still quite a bit left. I would like to start getting rid of things but I feel like I'm doing it behind her back. Occasionally she will ask for something like her craft supplies for example or a piece of jewelry. I feel like I can't get rid of anything because what would I do if she asked for that item after it was gone? She also can't stand the idea of strangers living in her house whether we rent it or sell it.
I know this is a slow process and maybe she will eventually give in but I'm wondering if other people who have been in my position could give me some advice.
The girls understand DH is emotionally challenged but don't realize the importance of staying ahead of the game if one is going to maintain any semblance of sanity.
I am dreading tomorrow when he gets home from rehab. he already tells me that he is feeling ill which is the key to "I am too sick to be able to do this" and takes to his bed till the movers carry him out in it and put it in the van.
He did almost the same when we had new carpets installed prior to listing our last house. He sat in his recliner and refused to move and they actually cut the old carpet and removed it with him still in the chair. He did eventually get the hint and go upstairs.
I have already lined up a friend also in his late 70s to help DH pack his office which is sacred ground and his first thought was to have the man climb up on the roof to remove his HAM radio ariel. Maybe I will just forget to pick him up tomorrow or break another bone.
Mean? Well! - you said it, not me.
But what you definitely were is pretty cavalier with someone else's property. I don't suppose for a moment you'll ever be called to account for it, or that your aunt's welfare suffered in any material way, and perhaps in the long run yours was the simplest, quickest and therefore most cost-effective solution.
But on a point of principle... cheerfully chucking out someone's belongings... it's not going to feature in the best practice guidelines, now, is it?
And you couldn't have found a dishcloth?
As noted by others, some libraries will take them for their annual book sale.
My last place of work had a 'leave one take one' cart - if you don't have one, suggest it!
I believe my former library also had this leave/take setup
I haven't looked at it, but I think a hanging box with a door on an outside wall at the post office has this as well.
Ask at community center, hospitals, nursing homes, adult day cares, AL and MC units. I'm sure they would all take many of your old books. I brought a bunch from mom's condo to the facility she is at - their choice where to distribute them. Someone might enjoy reading your old books!
I'm sure I'll find a way to make this work, it's just harder than I realized it would be. The other day she asked me if she would be living in the apartment the rest of her life and I got choked up trying to come up with an answer.
I didn't mention this earlier, but I also have a disabled brother who was living in mother's house, so we have moved him into a new place too. He has his own issues and challenges that I am trying to help him deal with. I do the best I can.
Here are a couple of tricks I learned. 1. "Touch everything." Stuff gets hidden in pockets, in boots, between tableclothes, etc. 2. To check pockets and look for things hidden in the folds of tableclothes, I set up a very bright light and instead of unfolding everything completely and then having to refold it, I hold stuff up to the light. A real timesaver if, like my mother, your mother had several dozen large tableclothes, four closets jammed with old clothes, a couple of hundred doilies and table scarves, etc. Lordy, this is hard!
These same daughters grew up in thrift store clothing till they discovered where I did my shopping. Made sure everything was in good shape and had a reputable brand label. Lots of stuff I just made new out of old things so they never knew the source of my fabric. When the eldest was in grade school , I think third grade, I knitted her a sweater that she wore a lot. The bus driver admired it and told me none of the other kids ever had hand knitted sweaters.
I've seen- and used- book drops that exist all over our metro area. Drop your books in one of those or take them to a "free library" near you. There's a neighborhood very near us that has a covered book nook on their sidewalk, where books are left and picked up to be read by the neighbors on a regular basis. I've also seen "libraries" like that in the middle of community gardens, and at community centers, such as Boys and Girls Clubs, homeless shelters, and more.
Many thrift stores take all books and, by the number of people I see going through books at Goodwill, I'd say the staff is probably not letting out a big sigh of disgust when those books arrive. No matter how much money they make on one book, they don't take up space like furnishings and bedding and decor, so they're profitable for most thrift stores.
Fine china is not too different. These days, few people want delicate china that you can’t put in a dishwasher because of gold or silver. Sets sell for next to nothing in the OpShop. Perhaps you could keep four places out of a twelve piece set to produce for a visit, or even just a cup and saucer for her to use.
You will be very lucky if you sort clothes and blankets, and don’t find moth in them.
Sorting for my late mother, I found that she had washed and kept a large number of plastic bags (mouldy), small pieces of string, and other ‘depression treasures’, but had thrown out all the family correspondence, including my ‘diary letters’ from my trip through Europe. I wished that I had checked some things out a bit earlier while she was still in the unit.
It is all quite distressing, whenever and however you do it. We now have too much ‘stuff’ to keep things in use regularly, and imports from China are too cheap for old purchases to have retained their value. There are many good ideas on this thread, but nothing is likely to make it an easy and fool-proof job. I have now done this for my mother, aunt, parents-in-law, and for myself in a house I lived in for forty years. You have my very sincere sympathy. Do your best, check the tricky bits with another (friendly and sensible) family member, and brace yourself to ignore both personal guilt and other people's criticisms.
My Durable POA allows me to do the things discussed in this thread. I am not needing to yet with Mum. A Will only applies after death, I am Executrix. By writing a Will, I am not guaranteeing that the items listed in it will still be around, it is stating that if I still have my ring, it goes to XX.
Often it is necessary to sell the house to pay for care, whether or not the house is left to someone in the Will. Otherwise who is responsible for paying taxes and upkeep while it is empty? Mum knows if she needs to move into a nursing home (she decided which one she wants over a decade ago), we will sell her house.
If a person has made a list outside of their will for who they want to receive items, then those things can be given away to the recipients. If there is an Intro Vivos Trust the goods can be transferred prior to death. But a Will only comes into play after death.